Quick Update

I've been tired this week, not too much on the computer after hours and during work I've been pretty swamped. Here are some random things if you wanting to keep tabs on me (which is really nice of you).

Less nausea early in the week -- and then there was yesterday and today where I'm just having a hard time keeping up with my water and caloric intake needs. I think it's partially the heat and also my body maybe going through some more big hormonal changes this week.

I got my hair cut on Wednesday, the first time since April 2005. I didn't feel like getting it cut and I was also liking it being long. It was long enough that a good trim has it looking healthy again and it's still long. My stylist commented that I had a lot of new growth coming in, I muttered about being pregnant but he didn't hear me. So I guess that tale about pregnancy and your hair might be true.

My partner started checking my belly out more this week. He does it while I'm sleeping, just grabbing and feeling things. He says I'm definately getting bigger. Still not that big though and my transition clothing is holding up. Definately not that comfortable in some of my regular summer clothes though -- more that I'm not liking the way they hang on my current build.

I had acu yesterday, the first time in a few weeks. She did the standard ones that she's been doing -- inside ankles, inside wrists, crown of head. After she left the room I started feeling some achiness, it's related to my fibroid, sort of a line the runs up and down on the right side of my navel, down deep. I had it a lot this spring as well. Hopefully it was just things adjusting. I dozed on the table for a good 45 minutes and then the pain was gone when I awoke. She asked me if I had any sense of what we were having, and I told her that early on I had an inkling that it might be a boy but I really don't know. She said she was trying to check on my pulses but she wasn't sure yet, maybe next week.

My prenatal appointment and next check on things is coming up on Tuesday. I think we are ready for it. My partner is feeling pretty confident about things, me I'm just surviving -- being tired, tired, tired and keeping up with work.

We interviewed 6 people this week for a few different positions and none of them were quite right. If we are less picky then maybe. Sigh.

Nine Weeks Today

That seems like such a crazy idea, that I'm still pregnant at nine weeks. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm still pregnant and then I just press my boobs and they are still sore so I figure things are just keeping on.

I caught a virus this week, the first time I've been sick while pregnant I think. For all the normal queasiness, light headaches, fatigue and general malaise that comes with pregnancy it is in fact possible to feel worse. I couldn't eat, I didn't want to get out of bed, I had a low-grade fever, and my joints ached. Thankfully it was mostly one of those 24-hour affairs, at least the worst of it. I think that's why my mood was so dark this week though, that can happen when I'm fighting a virus.

Work was really strenous this week, I totally need some more help, particularly since my new project manager quit (but that person had some serious personality issues so it's no loss for us). I've already set up some interviews for this week. I hope that some good come out of it. It's hard to find talented people who are a good fit with our little company. We'll get there though -- we have to.

Feeling kinda lost

With infertility and loss I at least felt like there was a common struggle for me and my online buddies. Then there are all those happy pregnant people online, or the ones who obsess over every little symptom. I feel like I don't know where I fit in right now. I feel closer to my infertility and loss buddies, but I know that my being pregnant can be trying for them. I feel I have to hide it even a little more around them -- and generally I'm not boasting about it.

It's weird to not have people know at work, yet I've known for 5 weeks now. Then I have so many work responsibilities -- so now I get to do them, with out letting on that something is up, but feeling twice as bad with half the energy. I guess that's sort of raining on my parade too. The fatigue is pretty common, but I guess for me I still have so much going on that it's hard to just be thrilled about it.

I've sort of noticed that the women who seem the most thrilled tend to have invested the least in their education and careers. So, again it makes me feel like an outsider -- though I know there are lots of women out there like me as well. Besides, with infertility and all the other delays that contributed to some of us being more mature as we approach uncertain motherhood, we would be pretty lame if we didn't at least have more than pregnancy and TTC going on in our lives -- right?

The other weird part is just knowing how much the past four years have put a damper on my relationships. You find with the problem fibroids, and the infertility and then the miscarriages, that people who you were close to just couldn't deal with the intensity of it all. I found that I pulled back from developing new relationships -- and it ended up being for years. Now I'm trying to find my way out of that as well, and it feels awkward. I guess the little bit of success I've had so far with this current pregnancy has helped cushion my heart so I can speak more honestly about my losses. But then now I worry that I shouldn't let on too soon, because if something bad was to happen right now the whole world would dissolve into tears.

I guess that's the complexity of it. And its my reality.

More Nutrition Information

I found this great doc from the USDA last night which details the amount of folate in different food items.

Use the Acrobat Search feature (binoculars, fourth icon from the left on the Acrobat toolbar) to things up such as grapes or tortilla chips)

Folate Contents of Foods - USDA (PDF)


Also from the USDA there is also a tool, available online or for download to a PC, that will let you search items, enter in portion and then it will spit out a fill report on the nutritional content

What's In The Foods You Eat Search Tool

I also have these posts you might want to refer to:

Anemia & Iron Rich Foods

Non-Dairy Sources of Calcium

Tuesday

It's been two weeks since we saw that first little flicker. Kinda weird isn't it that I'm still here and my period is still staying at bay.

I've been feeling a little better, but still fatigued, and the nausea and heartburn come in waves. Today I feel like when you first get your period and you just want to stay in bed all day. But of course I couldn't. I managed to keep my growling in my head, except for one client who was being a bit stupid -- shaving 2.5 days off of our print production schedule and thinking that was okay. Not!

I think what is weird is having people expect me to be all thrilled and stuff. I just feel like I'm hanging in there. I'm not unhappy, I'm not happy -- I just am. There's still a long way to go.

My MIL spoke to my partner yesterday and said that I seemed reserved/cautious/not happy -- something along those lines. He told her I was doing fine, just being really natural about it all.

I told him that of course I wasn't thrilled, or ecstatic. We've been through too much for that. I'm doing just fine. My parents are really happy (first grandkid) and my partner is excited and that's enough for me.

I'm 8w3d today (45 days since conception) and evidently more than 17% of the way there -- since I would deliver early that percentage would shift a bit obviously. Supposedly the end of 8 weeks marks the end of the embrionic stage of development and then begins the fetal stage.

What else can I tell you...my partner spaced on our prenatal appointment on the 25th and booked a business trip then but I couldn't move the appointment so he moved his business trip --that's how much he wants to be there (which I think is really sweet).

Take care and let me know how you are doing.

Ultrasound Update

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, the acid indigestion/reflux was out of control. But eventually I crashed out. My partner came to bed late though, a couple hours later, and he woke me up and I was soooo grouchy with him. I had to get up for a while and drink some fresh ginger tea and have some cookies to try to soothe my stomach before I could get back to bed.

We got up and went to the ultrasound appointment this morning, I stopped off to buy some bottled water -- as again the acid is so bad. At the doctor's they tried to help move things along but someone was hogging the ultrasound suite so we just waited and waited. My doc came in to ask how I was feeling and to see if my symptoms were still strong and I said yes, and mentioned the lovely indigestion. He said in the second tri I could use one of the acid blockers if I still needed it. He stepped out again and my partner commented on how much he liked the doc. He's a good guy my OB.

Suddenly the door opens again and there's my doc, dragging an ultrasound machine on wheels into the exam room we are in. He said they brought down a portable, lesser quality machine from their other office since they were having that delay with the other machine. He looked so funny and determined though, dragging that machine through the door that it made me laugh. He looked like a determined little boy (and he's a mature man).

The scan wasn't as clear as last time but the baby looked a lot larger and the heartbeat was again visible. I had my doc check on my fibroid as well, to see what she was doing. She's grown but is way off to the side away from the pregnancy so there's nothing to worry about with that. No pictures today though, but they were really blurry anyway. We didn't take measurements either, it just wasn't of a good enough resolution.

My partner commented that there was no getting out of this one, that statistically each time we were closing in on the gap of having a kid. He said our bigger problem now is that we are going to have a kid.

How did this happen to me? I don't know if I'm ready for all this.

My next appointment is Tuesday July 25th, though my OB said to give him a call if I needed any reassurance. I actually told him that I almost feel better when I don't have appointments looming -- that's when I get anxious, when they go and check to see what's going on.

You've probably been checking in on me but I haven't been writing. I don't know, I guess I'm in a bit of denial about things. Sometimes I think it is going to work out, sometimes I brace myself for another loss and lots of the time I sort of just ignore it except for managing my symptoms.

I went camping for a few days which wasn't that much fun for me. It's hard to be out in the heat when your body is trying already to adjust to so many changes. Then there were the swarming mosquitoes, not fun for a pregnant person who is having to pee multiple times a night -- try not getting bites with your butt exposed. And there was my dog, who fell into the cold mountain river late at night because she was thirsty and her water dish was empty. We found her downriver the next morning, about 8 hours after she disappeared -- and evidently none the worse for wear. I've got a ton of bug bites and I'm tired and recovering.

I go in for my next ultrasound first thing tomorrow. I don't know what the news will be. I've seen too many friends online have a good first scan and a bad second scan to be too hopeful. All I can do is count out the things that I know:

sore boobs
slow digestion
contipation
fatigue
bloated belly
and my period hasn't been here in almost 2 months.

Factor v Leiden & Pregnancy

I gathered these links this morning for my friend Bridget who just found out she was pregnant again. She's got this blood clotting disorder which is one factor in her having had three miscarriages since December 2004.

Bridget and I met up in Chicago in November when we just needed time to vent about our losses and hang out talking about it without judgement. We shared a hotel room and had a great time. I only knew her online before that. Other loss gals, you might want to try it -- it was an amazing experience and we're even stronger friends because of it.

Factor V Leiden and recurrent miscarriage—prospective outcome of untreated pregnancies
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/17/2/442

The effect of factor V Leiden carriage on maternal and fetal health
http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/167/1/48

Gestational outcome in thrombophilic women with recurrent pregnancy loss treated by enoxaparin.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=10823264&dopt=Abstract

Enoxaparin ( e-nox-a-PA-rin) is the generic name of Lovenox
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/uspdi/202686.html

Pregnancy, Clotting, and Factor V Leiden: An Overview
http://www.naturalchildbirth.org/natural/resources/prebirth/prebirth35.htm

FVL-PG · Factor V Leiden and Pregnancy Issues (Yahoo Group)
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FVL-PG/

Anticoagulation Forum -- click on the link on the left labelled Clinic Locations to find anticoagulation specialists in your area.
http://www.acforum.org/

So I'm up early for the second day in a row. This time because my digestion is slow and my body is uncomfortable about it. Hopefully that will rectify itself later this morning.

I haven't posted much this week, I almost have felt like there wasn't too much to say after the shock of seeing the h/b on Tuesday. I'm relieved that so far there is nothing to grieve but I'm so tired right now and still trying to keep it together with stuff at work (yes we sooo need to hire more staff) that it's almost nice just to have a bit of a break from my previous pg experiences.

I'm amazed that we got this far, that each test and check so far has been stronger and more advanced than our previous experiences with pregnancy. I don't know what to think.

I have noticed that I look at babies a little more when I see them about, perhaps not more than before but now with a new lens. Still though, I feel this ambivalence about it. Motherhood seems a far way off and a far cry from my reality thus far.

I've allowed myself to think about the fact that we might end up with a baby here and there. And the other day while walking around I realized for a moment that I had let a little love for my embie grow. But just a little teeny bit. I check in on my embie energetically now and then and I feel like it tells me it is busy, too busy to engage with me right now.

I did go shopping this week to try to get some more clothing items that would help mask my transitional figure. Yes it is early but I mostly have fitted clothes and already my body has changed itself. I bought a stretch cotton twill skirt on sale, a sports bra in a size larger (that was nice to wear yesterday), a few tanks and a top also on sale. Nothing extravagent as thing will likely continue to change. I've only ever experienced pregnancy through about 11 weeks (the first one) and who knows what this hormone packed current experience will hold in store for me.

I've been dealing with growing bouts of nausea, some headaches, fatigue, slowed digestion, food cravings/aversion, dryer skin in some places and oiler skin elsewhere.

The housekeeping has fallen by the wayside a bit -- I think I am really going to have to hire someone to come and help us out. Between this pregnancy experience and my partner having so much work it's just not all being kept up.

So anyway, I'm doing okay. I hate when people tell me congratulations (except for present company of course) and I'm hoping that our next ultrasound on Thursday shows a lot of growth. Please, please, please?

Oh, and last but not least I wanted to let you know that two of my favorite TTC buddies online just found out they were knocked this week as well. Please send Bridget and Yolie lots of prayers.

How My Scan Went

So I show up at the OB's office to check in and the reception person doesn't have me on the schedule. She tells me that she has me down for two weeks from now. She tells me to have a seat. I sit there stressed out and miserable until she calls me back. I wasn't there for a prenatal (even though they told me when I made the appt that it was) but for a viability check. Then she told me to sit down again.

So I sit there, waiting for my partner to come up from getting a cup of coffee and that word keeps running through my head -- a viability check. Viability. Not Viable. Which is it going to be? I have viability checks because my pregnancies haven't been viable. And it makes me sad, and makes me feel abnormal, somehow less than. Then I think that maybe I should have just waited to find out, pretending that this was a normal pregnancy, but then I remember how hard it is waiting and not knowing and that I'm just looking for a little resolution right now.

Finally the nurse calls me to come in, so my partner and I walk into the ultrasound suite. She takes my blood pressure and asks me the date of my last menstrual period -- which was already written down from my last visit. I even brought a copy of my Ovusoft chart from this cycle but they aren't used to reading those I guess.

I get undressed from the waist down, and talk to my partner. He said that if it was good that was good and if it was nothing again then it was okay because we could just go on living our lives as they were. I told him that my preference was that something was growing in there because then we could just hire people to replace me at work -- having another loss would be too hard as too many people are relying on me right now. He's dithering between wanting to watch the scan in the hopes that something is growing in there -- a heartbeat even - versus just waiting outside just in case it is another empty sac. In the end he just stayed put, particularly after I said -- don't you want to be here for me?

So the doc comes in and inserts the transvaginal u/s wand up my hooha-- the magic wand which will let us know our future. And then what comes up on the screen is this:

Yes, there is something in there. There are two blobs on top of each other, the top one is the yolk sac and the bottom one that is whiter is the embryo. We saw its little heart beating, just the tiniest little flicker. Based on conception date I'm 6w1d pregnant and the embryo measured at 6w0d -- so right where it is supposed to be.

[updated to add: I think you can see Twyla Twerp in the scan, right smack in the middle of the image -- the gestational sac is sort of pointing at a grayish white blob that looks a bit distinct from the rest of the uterus. If I'm right it looks like the gestational sac is already bigger than that which is great.]


I'm feeling a little emotional right now. This morning was stressful. But, we just crossed the second hurdle in the race to having a baby -- the first is just getting pregnant, the second is seeing that there is something growing in there. Weird huh?

My doc said to come back in next week for another scan, and then my first prenatal was scheduled for about a month from now. What? I might be having a baby for real?

My last few hours of blissful ignorance

It's time for me to get ready for bed, but that means when I wake up it will be time for me to go to the doctor to see what lies in store for me.

It's like that TV show from the 70s -- Let's Make a Deal. That was the one where the contestents got to pick which door they wanted and behind it was some prize of some sort. I swear there was also a part where they could climb up a pile of wrapped presents and pick one, not knowing what it contained. Actually, I'm sort of like that.

I like the idea of a gift, somewhat even more than what it contains. In example, when I was 8 I woke up on Christmas morning at 2am (just after my parents had gone to sleep BTW) and being scared of the dark I woke my brother to see if there were presents (my brother having told me the truth about Santa a couple of weeks before). We went downstairs and the living room was piled with presents. I was just so amazed and full of joy at the look of it. I told my brother that we had to get back to bed and we could open them in the morning. Not but 5 minutes after we went back upstairs I heard the sound of wrapping paper tearing back downstairs -- he had gone back down and was opening like a madman. It made me sad, I sort of liked just that pause, the not knowing, the potential, the moment that it was.

I don't know what's behind door number 1 or 2 or any other door. I'm just taking in my last few moments with my wrapped present.

Today

I felt better yesterday and this morning I'm feeling pretty good, though I need to go eat something pretty quick. Saturday was really awful though, not sure why my body was having such a hard time.

I find that the EDDs bother me more than the dates of my losses, since for each of my failed pregnancies the process of finding out I lost them and then the subsequent resolution covered so many days (July 1-Nov 5 with my first loss; June 9-26 with the second). If this pg works out it will be right smack in the middle of the other two EDDs and if it doesn't work out, well let's just say the end of January and the beginnning of February will definately not be a happy time for me.

I had a dream this morning about my appt tomorrow morning. In it my doctor and his assistant were checking stuff out but I never saw the images and they never said "there it is" and it was all vague and I was bothered and a bit anxious about it and I wanted numbers -- how thick was my lining, where was the baby, etc. And then I woke up and remembered that it was just a day away and I thought to myself, maybe if I can just get an answer.

I'm feeling queasy today actually, and its not going away. I think I need to go take a walk.

Phew, less bloated today

I felt so much better today; it was amazing the difference. Still lots of boob pain and cravings though -- so I'm going to stick with those as good signs.

Still when things feel quiet in my system right now I just start to think that it's just a matter of days before it is all over again. When people ask me what I think about whether this one is a keeper or not IRL I tell them I just don't know. I really don't know. What does a keeper feel like exactly?

Less than a day and a half until reckoning. Sigh.

Online Pregnancy Calendars

I was trying to find one last week, so I could see how far along I would be at Christmas if this pg lasts that long (so not a usual one that just tells you how far along you are now). My partner and I usually go away that time of year to someplace warm and exotic.

With some help from the gals on the Ovusoft board I've tracked down the following pg calendar links.

Amazing Pregnancy - Pregnancy Calendar

About.com - Pregnancy Calculator

Evidently BabyZone (requires registration) has one as well.


Other calendars
These ones just showing week by week progress, but not tailored to your pregnancy

About.com Pregnancy Calendar

BabyCenter.com tracks you by the present week you are in based on LMP (requires free registration)

Pregnancy Weekly has a little ticker when you register with them that tells you how far along you are, how many weeks left, and your percentage to completion. This is an online pregnancy journal if you want to track appointments and sensations.

You can find others by doing a search on the terms "pregnancy calendar", "pregnancy calculator" and so on.

Blood thinning foods

I looked these up for a friend of mine who was diagnosed with some clotting disorders. I had come across reference to blood thinning foods a couple years ago while researching about fibroids. In chinese medicine fibroid are linked to blood stasis, the western equivalent being excess estrogen or clotting issues.

Here are some links and information about natural blood thinners and liver support that I think may be helpful.

This link about thrombosis prevention has info about halfway down the page about foods and supplements that will help thin the blood to prevent clotting:
Thrombosis Prevention

Increase consumption of:
* Tomato Juice/ tomatoes
* Garlic
* Onion
* Omega-3 fatty acids -- found in fish, fish oil, flax seed oil, olive oil
* Vitamin E

Exercise will also help thin the blood and reduce estrogen levels (which causes blood thickening)

You will also want to increase your consumption of fiber and leafy green vegetables which aid in liver function -- which helps to get rid of excess hormones in the body. Oatmeal is great, also barley and brown rice. I've got some good recipes for greens -- it's hard to know how to get more but through trial and error I've found some good ones.

Here are a couple links about how your liver functions to detoxify your body and what nutrients are required.

http://www.liverdoctor.com/03_detoxpathways.asp

http://tuberose.com/Liver_Detoxification.html

Fashion Nightmares of a Bloated, Tired and Cranky Woman

This week the bloating picked up big time. It was increasing day by day until last night I look at myself in the mirror and was shocked at how big I looked in my pajama bottoms.

This morning when I took a shower my rounded belly of six weeks pregnant bloat reminded me of how round my belly was post myo. Nice. My underwear is giving me panty lines, or rather my butt is giving my panties too much to enclose and it's just spelling disaster for my caboose. I've got to go shopping (I don't really like shopping very much) and in the meantime I have broken out the granny knickers I bought when I had my surgery and yes, they are fitting well (grumble, so much for slightly low rise pants unless I've got really long tops on)

My thighs are a problem as well, changing the dimensions of my clothes just enough so that no longer do I feel like I might be able to pull off looking a little sleek. I'm height-weight proportionate normally and I'm not eating too much, it's just that I easily put on 10 pounds of weight early on in pregnancy -- it's happened twice before as well.

I don't know what to do, wear more skirts or buy more clothes -- something's gotten happen because I'm feeling like a poorly styled lump at the moment. I guess I'll see if there is reason to go shopping very soon (like Tuesday).

I told my good friend today about my pregnancy and she was really excited for me; she knows how long we've been trying (four years). She wanted me to be excited but I explained how crying when I scheduled the appointment really put a damper on things for me.

I talked to her about how I do hope things go well with our scan on Tuesday since that will be easier to deal with than having another loss, logistically speaking, at work. We are sort of waiting to see what comes and then going to start recruiting and hiring to try to replace me if we get our heartbeat. If things are bad again it's going to be doubly rough as we are still a bit short-staffed and I'm going to have to make time for depression and emotional breakdowns. Lovely that I know what miscarriage brings so well now isn't it.

Overall I feel pretty neutral about it all emotionally, and physically I just feel like crap. We were talking about it with a friend over dinner last night and basically being pregnant, at this point early on, feels a lot like a really bad hangover coupled with coming down with the flu. I don't feel like doing anything though I did do laundry today, cook a little bit and vacuum the upstairs. I did also take a nap and have been knitting.

I feel like nothing will really make me happy right now, because all this bloat makes me feel awful. No music, no TV shows, no movies, no books, no projects, nothing. I just feel like crap.

I guess feeling worse is a good sign?

Work Worries

I'm co-owner of a small firm and it's been hard to recruit and hire enough skilled people to be able to do all the work that needs to be done. This has only gotten worse now that I'm pregnant since I can't carry as much of the load as I was prior; I'm just exhausted.

My partner is also my business partner so that makes things hard as well. He's used to relying on me and he needs to adjust to the fact that I just can't do as much right now.

Yesterday was a really strenuous day at work and I was exhausted at the end of the day. I have a new project manager and she seems to need more training than I can handle right now. My sales person is a part-time mother but even on the days when she's supposed to be at the office I'm having to do flex time with her -- she comes in late, leaves early. She's diligent but she doesn't create enough of a buffer between her work and life. I don't think she had an ideal childcare situation and now her nanny has given notice.

I ended up fighting with my partner last night when he came home, I was so over-tired and he wanted to talk business even though it was midnight. He doesn't get how much has changed for us right now, in some ways this is worse than the flu since I feel like if I push myself too much right now I'm going to kill this pregnancy. I told him that things will probably go badly next week and then I'll have to deal with another loss, and if things happen (by an act of God) go well, then I'm still screwed because I just don't have enough energy for this level of responsibility.

I feel so frustrated. And tired.

My stuffy nose and sinuses

Since Joelle asked last post, I actually think the stuffiness started around 2-3 dpo. I ovulated on CD17 (Saturday May 27), after a painful bout of pelvic pain that started the evening before which made me feel very poorly and continued the next morning. I still had EWCM on Saturday morning, a lot of it (not what I was expecting since the pain from the night before) so we gave it one more go that AM.

In addition to not wanting to drink this cycle, I also didn't schedule that pelvic massage that week after I ovulated because my body kept telling me not to interfere with it. It was kinda weird but I just kept feeling like my body was telling me that so I didn't call to see about an appointment.

I believe implantation was on Friday June 2nd, which is why I felt all hot and nauseous that day and I had to leave work early. Over the next few days I felt a lot of qi moving around in my back and limbs, not typical for just hanging out but definately a sensation I'm familiar with from qigong and acu.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I'm just trying to listen to what everyone says and take it day by day. Just one week now until my scan. Surely they will see something then.

As for symptoms, my breasts are sore, sometimes more and sometimes less, but if I press on them they are always more dense and sore. My temp is up, if I just take it before bed or whatever its usually up by several tenths of a degree -- 98.9, 99.0 etc. I have a stuffy nose, it's been going on for weeks now. I think it has to do with whatever my body is doing to my CM -- the chemical changes there are causing my sinuses to behave the same. My scalp has little pimples on it, it reminds me of when I was a teen[&:], my skins oil production seems at an all time high and yet my cuticles are a bit dry. And then there is the fatigue, I spent most of the weekend resting.

Yesterday at work I did surprisingly well and wasn't that tired, but it was such a busy day that I didn't drink enough or eat enough all day (bad me) -- I'm going to try to not let that happen again. My typing has gotten more sketchy though -- I am making so many typos all of the sudden. I also can't remember anything from a meeting a week ago except what this potential client does and what their office looks like -- not helpful when you need to help write a proposal, though thankfully I wasn't the lead on that. I'm just forgetting random stuff, and I'm known at work for my good memory. It might be that my getting up to pee at night and/or waking up early has disturbed my sleep cycle enough. Kinda weird.

Ugh. Someone please pass the Tums

This afternoon, after I ate lunch, I started having awful acid indigestion. It's awful. It's got to be the pregnancy right? This is so not normal for me. Blech.

I was just out to dinner with my partner, we went to a nice neighborhood Greek restaurant. Even eating didn't help my tummy though. I still feel ugh.

We talked about stuff, he wanted to know if I thought we could go to L.A. for Thanksgiving and I told him I just don't know. I don't really get along great with his family anyway so he's sort of figuring that me plus a lot of people I'm not super keen on, plus being possibly "all big" as he put it, isn't a good combination. I can't figure out why he is wanting to plan our Thanksgiving travel in June though.

I told him that other than being tired, not able to multi-task as well, and with a tummy ache that the bloating had dropped some and I didn't feel that pregnant. He said that I'm emotionally volatile plus a little poofier than normal so he definately can tell I'm not myself. Nice. Well, it is true. I keep reminding him of how he pushed me past my limits with my firs pregnancy to the point where I threw a book at him and burst into tears at the same time, and that he better not go there this time. (I don't think I wrote about it at the time.)

Five Weeks

Amazing how these funny numbers they come up with based on last menstrual period have you going from being a few days late on your period to suddenly being 5 weeks pregnant. Whatever, at least I can pretend that this is really happening. So if I'm 5 weeks now, then that means that I would deliver via c-section in 33 weeks. That doesn't seem long at all -- well not really.

I started thinking last night about the fact that we have a wedding to attend at the end of July (the bride is pregnant too) and what I will wear. I just don't know. That's only like another 5 weeks away. I guess if things don't work out I've got stuff that will work, and if things do work out then I'll just have to deal with that later.

Yesterday at work we were moving a lot of furniture around which required a lot of lifting and I was hovering between not wanting to but also not letting on that something was up. I took little breaks and drank water and let the guys do the heavy lifting but it was kinda weird. We got new desks for my team so we're looking oh so much more professional now.

I'm rather overwelmed at work, too much work, not enough focus and I swear I'm not able to multi-task like I used to. We're short-staffed still so I'm just going to have to keep on recruiting and get some more help in.

Images of Development by Trimester

Fetal Development
Westside Pregnancy Resource Center - This one has some amazing photos of what the developing baby looks like

The companion site to the PBS Nova Program Life's Greatest Miracle

Visembryo -- shows images of development through all the key stages.

Pregnancy Video -- Discovery Health -- good narrative explanation

Ultrasound Images

First Trimester- Transvaginal vs. Transabdominal

Obstetrical ultrasound

Amazing Pregnancy Pictures -- ultrasounds

Changes in the Mother

Your Baby's Growth Over 40 Weeks - U of M (requires Shockwave Player)

Your Growing Body & Baby - Childbirth Connection

Normal Course Of Pregnancy

I'm melting

I don't know why I thought of that, it's like that saying "I'm not sugar, I won't melt" but today I do feel like I will melt. So am I sugar? Remember that scene in the movie Amelie when the guy she has a crush on comes into the cafe where she works and she doesn't say anything and then she dissolves and crashes into the floor as a pile of water. That's me too.

So my beta result came back at 2069 which is really good. But I feel awful, like I can't hold it together today. My partner came in to talk to me at work and he was reassuring, like the nurse at my ob's office was reassuring and yet I feel like it is impossible to be reassured right now.

If I wasn't pg right now I could do with a glass of wine. Sigh.

Okay, so maybe I'm not so hot

I just got done with my acu appointment and yes indeed, I cried. I'm feeling so emotionally stressed today about this pregnancy.

She said all the pains I'm feeling -- in my ankles, in my feet, in my ear -- are key kidney points and it is typical for pregnancy to have that much going on with my kidney channel. They felt better, meaning the pain dissipated, when she put the needles in several of the key spots. I did feel some big waves of qi moving through me and I could also breathe a little better.

She thought that I would be anxious about something no matter what, but aside from the big tests I think I would be all right if I just knew that things were going to be okay this time. She said how I was feeling was entirely understandable, but I need to try to stay rested and relaxed as much as possible.

I'm to continue with my herbs and she gave me a list of things to do to try to help get through the next couple of weeks.

On the way back I stopped to get some Thai Red Curry and a mocha -- I'm not sure the coffee is good for me but I feel like I need it and deserve it today.

I only cried a little

I went in for my blood draw this morning, to check for beta and progesterone again. I had to wait even though I had an appointment with the phlebotomist (grumble). Sheesh, it's just a blood draw.

Afterwards I went to the reception to see about scheduling my ultrasound. The woman doesn't really know about loss I could tell. Whatever. She pulled out her pregnancy wheel and was trying to figure out where between 8-10 weeks was when I again reminded her that I had more than one early loss and that we were going to need to come in the week after next. She got it then, so she started throwing out appointment times. First thing in the morning? Might as well ruin the whole day I replied. I had to call my partner to see what his schedule was like since Tuesdays are usually bad for him but luckily his client is out that day so he's able to do it.

I started to tear up as we confirmed the time and when I asked what would happen next after that if everything was going well. She said that the appt a week from Tuesday would be considered my first prenatal and then they would see me again in a month, unless my doc wanted to do something different. In my head all I could think was that I needed to prepare myself for another bad scan. In the span of a couple of seconds all that horror of the bad scans from my last two pregnancies came back. I told the woman at the reception that I was having a hard time convincing myself that everything was going to be okay. More tears welled up as I walked down the hall, though I didn't outright cry.

I feel bad now, sort of emotionally strained. Why do I have to feel this way. Couldn't I just ignore this pregnancy and just pretend that nothing is happening. My partner wants to do the scan and really it should help us to not get too attached if there's nothing going on. It just hurts right now.

I'll let you know what my blood results are this afternoon.

My strange diet

I got up this AM and was online for a little while, plus I made a shopping list and sewed some buttons onto several shirts that needed mending. I was hungry and so I checked in with myself about what I was hungry for. Cold cereal with almond milk? No. Oatmeal? No...There's pot roast. Pot roast? Yes, pot roast. And so I had pot roast with gravy on bread at 7:30am for breakfast on a Sunday. Whatever my body wants must be what it needs.

My partner got up mid-morning and I decided to take a nap -- so I passed out for 2 hours. Then I made a totally amazing (if I do say so myself) salmon tart for lunch and went off to my painting class (which I totally didn't feel up to doing).

I felt pretty lousy so I just made sure that I sat down periodically and drank a lot of water and ate some stroopwafels (really good dutch cookies with caramel -- hey, all this progesterone changes the way your body deals with carbohydrates so I needed them). It actually did help so I'll have to keep that in mind over the coming weeks and hopefully months.

I've also allowed myself a bit more cheese over the past few days, I think my body wants the extra calcium right now -- and that's okay by me and my body seems to be tolerating it fine. I've developed a taste for my smokey Retain the Fetus chinese herb that I am drinking twice daily as well.

My breasts are even firmer and more sore now, my belly actually feels less bloated -- I wonder if it is because I'm making sure to drink that much more in fluids for the past week. I am still feeling shivery qi occasionally, though I feel fairly flushed all the time (but my temp when I took it was normal). If I didn't know better I would say I was coming down with something. Boy, Mother Nature did a number of us women didn't she. It's like there's no winning.

IV Iron Administration

Since my iron stores are still low and my body is going to try to increase my blood supply by 50% over the next month or so, I'm thinking that it might be time for a more aggressive anemia treatment.

I've been taking oral iron, and eating iron rich foods but still it seems to me that my body doesn't absorb iron well orally. A friend of mine had suggested intravenous iron to me a while back but I never pursued it, but I really want to help this pg in every way possible.

I just started looking up stuff about it and a recent study showed that it helped, and also could help stave off the need for a transfusion later on in pg.

quote:

IV iron "restores blood stores more rapidly and a prompt increase in hemoglobin may be achieved," they point out. Moreover, it may reduce the need for blood transfusion in pregnant women who have severe anemia near term.
From: Intravenous Iron Rapidly Treats Iron-Deficiency Anemia of Pregnancy, Dec 2005 (Obstet Gynecol 2005;106:1335-1340.)

I feel like this would be the right thing for me to do at this point. I do eat dark leafy greens, chicken, fish, occasional red meat and even chicken liver, plus supplementation (granted I'm not as good as I should be about it) but still, I don't eat crap or a lot of caffeine so this still looks to me like I don't absorb it well. And my period is way less than it was before, so that shouldn't be an issue. I'll have to discuss with my doctor next week.

447%!

First hCG: 15 mIU/ml	Second hCG: 82 mIU/ml
hCG Difference: 67 mIU/ml	Time Difference: 48 hours	Total hCG Increase: 447 % (5.5)
Daily Rate Increase: 134% (2.34)	Two Day Rate Increase: 447% (5.47)
1st Day hCGAs If: 35 mIU/ml	2 Days hCG As If: 82 mIU/ml
Assessment: The Two-Day hCG rise was 447% and is considered adequate.

Up Before Dawn

I've been up since 4am; I had to pee badly (not typical for me but then I'm drinking more fluids and I'm pg) and then all my little aches kept me up. I'm going to be exhausted by later this afternoon, even if I manage to get back to sleep.

My partner told me late last night that he had two friends call him last night to go out for a drink and he declined. He said that he knew he couldn't keep his mouth shut about my being pg and he feels it is too early to tell. He, and we, are holding out for the heartbeat scan.

This pregnancy already feels different to me from the others. With the first I felt like my pregnancy, my baby, had no soul. It was an odd feeling that I didn't really talk about. Then my scan showed that it was an empty sac. The pregnancy last year, from the time I saw the positive pregnancy test I just thought that it would just be a matter of time until it failed.

But this time, I feel like there's a spirit in me, a small one but a very vibrant one. I don't feel like it will fail. I do think it's going to be a rough couple of weeks but I'm going to do my all to try to help keep my baby sticky this time.

My doc said that typically with number like mine are he wouldn't do follow up bloodwork. He agreed with me, though things are going well, that moderate tracking of levels would at least give us more information to work with -- should something go wrong. So I'm going to have my progesterone and beta checked again in a week.

I need to figure out about a scan, though something tells me this one is a keeper.

Thanks for your support and comments. You guys are great. :)

News blast

I just got the call from my ob/gyn...

my beta is now at 82!

my progesterone was at an unbelievable 31.4 (2 days ago)!

Lupus antibodies -- negative

Wow!

Back from acu

My acu is so excited she gave me a hug[:)] I've been seeing her for just about a year (one of two acus who alternate in seeing me at the one practice) and she helped me through my last m/c.

I described to her all the little weirdness I've been experiencing, the random nausea and sinus issue last week, the light fever on Friday, odd aches and pains. The aches I know are related -- I've got a pain in my left foot in the spot where the point is for the uterus in reflexology; around my navel I feel a light burning sensation; above that in my girdle meridian there are little pains. The bottom of both feet just below the ball of my foot in the middle are achey, I've had that since last week -- that's a major kidney point and she said it was just that my body was drawing a lot on my reserves right now.

She did points to secure the fetus -- 3 inches up from my wrist on the inside of my arm, several points on the crown of my head, and several points around my ankles. I fell asleep for a little while even (and now I'm so tired I want a nap!)

She gave me a new herbal formula called Securing the Fetus that contains blood building and kidney nourishing herbs. She told me to bump up my blood building foods and then to use ginger if I was having any nausea symptoms. I'm also supposed to take fish oil capsules, one a day I think to help provide more omega-3s -- it's also another type of blood thinner and it's supposed to help both my body and provide good help for neural development for the baby. She said she wants to see me weekly until at least week 10.

I was thinking about all the people sending me prayers and sticky thoughts and trying to capture that in my body and use that energy. It made me get a bit misty. I really appreciate your support.

My temp was still up this morning (98.5) -- and really I think this implantation was a little earlier than last time. Tomorrow I go for another beta draw, I'll let you know when I get results back.

Am I making this all up?

While I was at the doctor's office this morning all of the sudden I just felt so odd -- like I must be making this up that I've got this positive pregnancy test sitting on my desk at home. I mean how ridiculous is it to have a consult scheduled already and then to test positive that morning?

But my doc was reassuring and then he called me himself (dang! that never happened ever with my RE) and let me know that my beta level was at 15 already and that it surely was something.

The appointment went well; I brought my sister along with me -- she's just back in town and I thought why the heck not. My doctor and I discussed the various options and tests we could do and he fully appreciated that I'm not a regular old OB patient. I let him know about Twyla (my new fibroid) and he wasn't too concerned just wanted to know about its placement (towards the outside of the uterine wall away from the uterine cavity).

I had 5 vials of blood drawn -- beta HCG, progesterone, ferritin, IgG and IgM. He told me to start taking a baby aspirin a day for possible preventative value (against any clotting issues I might have) and then he's likely going to prescribe me progesterone suppositories.

So far so good. I feel like I'm better hands already.

My sister told me to not read too much and my online friends are all sending me prayers which I really really appreciate so much right now.

I go for a repeat beta draw on Thursday. I don't have an ultrasound scheduled yet but I'm sure my doc will make it happen.

Miscarriage Testing

This was posted with permission from my friend ozgal who did a lot of info gathering. It's a list of all the different types of testing that you can get done. My ob/gyn today suggested that I just get the IgG and IgM tests done -- as they more common blood clotting disorders. I'll get the results in a few days time.

Here's a list of suggested post-m/c tests (with resources below):

• Toxoplasmosis


• Antinuclear Antibody Titre (ANA)


• Anti dsDNA Antibody


• Anti ENA screen (ELISA)


• APA – Antiphospholipid Antibodies (Anticardiolipin antibodies)


• Lupus Anticoagulant


• Thrombotic Assays (for clotting factors):

-- Antithrombin III Activity
-- Protein C Assay (functional)
-- Protein S Assay (free)
-- Plasminogen Assay
-- Activated Protein C Resistance (Factor V Leiden)

• Serum Immunoglobulins (IgG, IgA, IgM)


• Fertility hormones: Progesterone, HcG, Prolactin


• RIP (Reproductive Immunophenotype – natural killer (NK) cell)


• NKA (NK cell assay)


• Antihistone Antibody


• Coagulation Assay


• DQ alpha HLA antigen (male and female)


• LAD (Lymphocyte Antibody Detection) (male and female)


• TNF alpha (Tumor Necrosis Factor)


• Antibodies to neurotransmitters


• ETA (embryotoxicity assay)


• Ratio of TH1 to TH2


• Genetic/karyotyping of male/female blood


• DNA Integrity Assay (this requires sperm analysis)

Sources:
Dr. Jonathan Scher and Carol Dix, Preventing Miscarriage, the Good News. New York: Harper Collins, 2005.
Jon Cohen, Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2005.
http://www.repro-med.net/info/cat1-5.php
http://www.haveababy.com/rpl/basics.asp
http://www.illinoisivf.com/recurrent-pregnancy-loss/post-implantation.html
http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=immunology&id=374&pagenumber=1
http://www.asklenore.info/miscarriage/immune_testing.html
http://www.rialab.com/miscarriages_prevented.php
http://sharedjourney.com/loss.html
http://www.infertilitytutorials.com/miscarriage_members/hormonal.cfm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4002539.stm
http://www.gentlebirth.org/archives/miscrg.html#Prevention
http://www.sefertility.com/patinfo_progesterone.html

Please send her some prayers as thank you for sharing. She'll need them as she works on TTC post loss.

Bloated as anything

Have you ever had a cycle where you went from feeling normal, almost skinny before ovulation and then felt like you gained 10 pounds after ovulation? It's been driving me nuts and I thought to myself, surely I've not been eating that much. Even my underwear hasn't been fitting right for the past 10 days.

This morning I have my consult with my ob/gyn to discuss my care plan for my next pregnancy. I figured that to rule it out, I would test this morning before my appointment to see if anything was there. I wasn't that optimistic. I took the test and it was blank, and waited and it was blank. So I stuck it in my drawer and then after a couple of minutes I checked again. And sure enough there was the faintest line coming up. I sort of felt like something must be going on for all that bloating.

So here you go, my third BFP, without any enhancement:

So, that's three for three of getting pg around this time of year.

I'm just hanging out, bloated as anything. What a fun LP this one is. And all my pants are tight and I'm fighting with my underwear all the time due to my backside being a little too fluffy for its own sake. I swear I gain inches during my LP. My partner is out with his friends, he should as he's been working, working, working non-stop as he's overloaded with projects right now. The poor guy needs a break. Since I have to fend for myself I'm thinking couscous, salad and grilled asparagus -- I've got a load of veggies to use up.

Extended birth control use issues that could affect fertility and health

There was a discussion on Ovusoft so I looked up some references based on things that I had read here and there. Studies supposedly show that upwards of 80% of women will return to "normal" cycles upon discontinuation of the Pill. It really does matter how they did those studies though, as cycles before and after hormonal contraceptive use might differ wildly so normal isn't really as normal as you might have been if you hadn't used the Pill.

I never used the Pill, it wasn't anything other than a philosophical position -- it didn't seem right to me to introduce prolonged hormonal manipulation to my body just for the sake of more assurance against unwanted pregnancy. I was careful in my selection of partners, there were few as well that I crossed that line of intimacy with, I was willing to be diligent in my use of condoms and I knew I was open to dealing with any unfortunate outcomes of my approach. Still I ended up with fibroids and heavy period and anemia and who knows if BCPs might not have carved out a different reality for me. My sister on the other hand used all sorts of birth control including Depo and she ended up with 6 fibroids combined to the size of a grapefruit (the size mine was when it was removed after I became pregnant) and that was a good 6-7 years ahead of when I got to that point when you factor in our age difference.

Here are some mentions of the pill that might interest you.

After the pill, the copper IUD, superovulation-stimulating drugs (Clomid, etc.) or previous childbirth, the copper may be over-high and the zinc, and possibly also magnesium and manganese, may be too low. It is vital to adjust this before embarking on the next pregnancy, to avoid the risk of miscarriage or premature birth.
From: Foresight, Preparing for Pregnancy

14 women with a history of taking a combined oral contraceptive (norethynodrel plus mestranol) were studied and were found to have vaginal candidosis which commenced after an average period of 9 months from start of contraceptive therapy. 4 sexual contacts (men) of those women taking the pill were also discovered to have vaginal candidosis; they had presented with candidal balanoposthitis. 4 other men had clinical manifestations suggestive of balanoposthitis caused by hypersensitivity to the candidosis of their sexual partners. Nystatin was a satisfactory treatment in most cases; however, 2 women had to stop using the pill because of frequent relapses of yeast infections.

From: Candida albicans and the contraceptive pill.

Nutrients that can be reduced by the use of Oral Contraceptives (OC):

Folic Acid (Folate). Birth control pills tend to cause folic acid depletion and increase the risk of cervical dysplasia and vascular thrombosis, stroke, and possibly megaloblastic anemia.

B-vitamins. As several B-vitamins are affected negatively by birth control pill use, a B-complex supplement is suggested, especially vitamin B6 if depression is present.

Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid). Levels are lowered by OC use which interferes with the metabolism of ascorbic acid. Insufficient intake of ascorbate is also associated with an increased risk of cervical dysplasia.

Selenium. Selenium absorption may be reduced. Selenium is an important nutrient for cancer prevention.

From: Birth Control Pill Issues

Also since the affect of the pill cause changes in the hypothalmus-pituitary-ovarian axis isn't it possible that prolonged use actually can cause some potential atrophy of this system in how it is normally meant to function? Using a contrasting situation, if you shot up someone who was healthy with insulin for years, even at a low dose, wouldn't it affect the function of the pancreas long-term? (]more about how the Pill works here)

The pill may cause permant sex drive loss

BOSTON, May 26 (UPI) -- Women who take contraceptive pills may suffer reduced sex drive for the rest of their lives, University of Boston researchers say.

It has been long known that oral contraceptives lower levels of testosterone, and thus sex drive, and increase levels of sex hormone binding globulin, or SHBG.

While it was thought that the pill's adverse effects could be reversed, the University of Boston research shows they may be permanent, the London Daily Mail reported Thursday...

Women taking the pill had SHBG levels that were seven times higher than women who had never taken oral contraceptives.

Women who quit taking the pill still registered SHBG levels that were four times as great as non-contraceptive users.

I haven't been doing my qigong I'm sorry to say, but I have been making a concerted effort to walk to and from work a few times a week. It makes dressing a bit awkward, I have to factor in client meetings and the like -- though wearing jeans and comfy shoes every day would be nice. I need to do more dance and lately I've been thinking that I should bring my bicycle up from the basement and take it around a bit.

I am having an unhappy body day today, actually I left work b/c I had such a bad stomach ache -- and it turns out a very light fever. I have no idea what it is about, I've been having stomachaches periodically after I eat. I came home and rested and drank a lot of water, particularly hot water and it made me feel better. I ate dinner without any more issues -- it's so weird. Been going on two weeks now. I sent an email to my acus about it, I hope they let me know what they think.

I didn't schedule an acu appt this week and they only had openings for the abdominal massage tomorrow but I didn't call in to make an appt for that either (busy week). I've had this borderline sinus thing going on this week, something is going on in there though its not an infection -- and won't be if I stay on top of it with the saline nasal spray. Then I'm mostly okay but my digestion is still a bit odd, certain meals seem to throw it off again and there are some foods that my body is telling me to avoid such as bananas and alcohol, particularly beer (though I hardly ever have beer). Very strange.

I guess I'll have to see about getting my appointments lined up for next week. I like to go on Thursdays.

Feeling Ill

Here's my note to my acu from today:

I've continued having some digestive disturbance over this week as well, though my schedule was so full that I didn't have time to get in for an appointment. Sometimes after meals I just feel like I'm so nauseous, other times I'm badly constipated. When I do have bowel movements it alternates between dry and firm or very soft and a lot at once.

This week I've also been having some sinus congestion/bordering on infection. I took half a dose of Nyquil last night and it didn't seem to help. I know that sinus issue and digestive issues can be related sometimes.

This morning I woke up and my lower back felt bad, also since I ovulated over last weekend (which was painful and congested feeling in my lower right abdomen and lasted from Friday evening until Saturday morning) my points in my ankles and that spot above my ankle bone have been very achey. I bet if you saw me you would needle all my spleen points on my legs.

I was feeling so bad this afternoon (like I might throw up or have diarhea) that I left work early, I have a .1 degree temperature.

Is there anything I should do or take? I just feel so lousy.

--- and here's what she wrote back ---

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so awful! I got your email today when I came in for the morning and just wanted to get a quick email off to you for the weekend. First, I hope you are feeling better already!...if not I am hoping that you are able to rest up over the weekend because it sounds like you have had a very hectic schedule.

I have been thinking more about abdominal massage for you. The symptoms you are having currently lead me to believe you would really benefit from getting abdominal massage in combination with the acupuncture both for pain/ cramping and digestive disturbances, in addition to being excellent for fertility. Hopefully it will fit in your schedule to see either myself or Danisha (abdominal massage) in the upcoming week.

Until then, I think eating something very easy on your digestion such as a chicken noodle soup. Try putting some fresh ginger into the soup or have ginger tea to help calm and decrease nausea. Peppermint tea might also help and benefit the sinuses as well. Although it may be tender along the spleen channel, some gentle massaging of those points will help. You may also try some clock-wise (12 o'clock being at your navel) direction gentle massage of your low abdomen.

Hope this helps and your weekend goes well.

Candida?

I was at a bookstore last night and was looking up some info in The Encyclopia of Natural Medicine (I have the companion Ency. of Natural Supplements already) and was looking at what it said about asthma as my partner's cousin is dealing with really serious asthma problems. While scanning that section of the book, which also dealt with respiratory allergies, I saw mention of Candida overgrowth as a possible contributor to both conditions. I flipped to that section and it talked about how prolonged anti-biotic use can lead to pathologic overgrowths of candida in the colon which can impair food absorption. It also said this would impair liver function

It just reminded me of when I was on tetracycline in college for mild acne for longer than I was meant to. And that's around when I started having more of my health problems -- digestive issues, etc. It still might be a stretch but I bet that's part of my issue. The book mentioned that it was hard to get rid of once it was entrenched and that the immune system is hyper-reactive to it as well.

Those things are totally in parallel to what my acu has said about my situation -- though the diagnosis is phlegm obstruction (hyperactive immune system) and Spleen Qi deficiency (poor digestion, to be treated with a diet akin to a candida cleansing diet), with blood deficiency (hard time assimilating nutrients) and some Liver Qi stagnation. The diet my acu has me on includes cutting back on alcohol, fermented foods, sugar and simple carbs -- same as one does for candida.

Interesting don't you think?

My digestion is still a bit off, I think I need to get back to my cooked foods, no dairy, low wheat, low sweets, and leafy green veg diet. I've just started back on my herbs and they seem to be helping.

Here are some links about Candida that I've come across:

Intestinal Yeast and Candida

Candida Treatment Overview - Clean the Colon to Check Candida

Candida Albican

Candida Summary

The Candida Syndrome: Health Nemesis or Myth?

TCM Tongue Diagnosis

I just retried this Tongue Diagnosis Tool and it is still spot on with my diagnosis which is so amazing and weird. You should try it yourself, just grab a mirror and something to jot notes on as you click through the questions.

Tongue diagnosis used to be used more in Western medicine as well, but now they are so reliant on blood testing and the like that the observatory aspects of their practice are largely ignored or forgotten.

So my acu treated me today. She said my digestive issues were related to the stomach actually. Either combined with spleen qi deficiency so that qi wasn't flowing the right way or blocked so that everything was messed up. Yes, that sounds like what it's felt like for me all week. She did stomach and spleen points and it helped ease things though I am still constipated Even a cup of coffee and a long walk have done nothing. It's so irregular for me but totally tied with the jetlag I believe.

A Little TLC

With the suggestion of my friend Christy and someone else on the Ovusoft loss board I cracked open Coming to Term again to read the parts about TLC, in summary:

Study 1 -- in addition to regular prenatal care plus weekly medical exams for "optimum psychological support" the researchers advised the test group patients "to avoid heavy work and travel, as well as bed rest druing the two-week gestational period at which they had previously miscarried. 86% of these women successfully carried to term versus only 33% of the control group.

Study 2 -- study participants "attended a physiotherapy class each week at which they leraned relaxation skills. They also received a 'relaxation tape'". For hospital visits they had a specially decorated room. 86% of the treated group carried to term versus only 33% in the control group.

Interesting isn't it?

Who's On Your Support Team

There's this amusing book I picked up at Anthropologie a few years ago titled The Fabulous Girl's Guide to Decorum. It has a section in it about how celebrities have their people and how fabulous girls need their support team as well.

One's support team can include:
hair stylist
colorist
manicurist
dry cleaner
dentist
etc.

It is in that spirit that I think we should all think about the following QOTD...

Question of the Day: Who's on your support team for your next pregnancy?

Mine first, and this is as of right now:

ob/gyn
acupuncturist
chiropractor
massage therapist

I hope to add on a counselor and I really should get a regular doctor to round out my care providers.

Jumping in, feet first and with eyes closed

I think I'm going to ovulate today. Several online friends of mine are close enough to be cycle buddies -- that means we get to live through the ups and downs of the 2ww together.

We did in fact DTD and so we'll see what comes of that. No sooner do I pull out the Pre~Seed then my partner tells his friend that we're trying again (within hours). I'm like "Dude! What up with that?" He explained that his friend was confiding a lot of personal stuff about his dating issues and recent confusion about a relationship he should just let go and that was all my partner had to offer that was personal at the moment to empathize with him.

Working on my support team

I set up an appt. with my ob/gyn for June 6th to discuss our game plan for my next pregnancy (should I be so lucky) as I feel a little vague about how he intends to make me feel supported through this time. I've decided to hold off on RE treatment for the foreseeable future, it wasn't sitting right for me. Still I need to have the confidence that my ob's office isn't going to treat me like any old obstetrics patient, not after four (give or take) years of TTC and two miscarriages.

Why does that seem to be such a loaded thing -- seeing the doc two weeks after O......I had already scheduled an appointment with my RE for the day I found out I was pg the first time two year ago. With my second pregnancy last year I was scheduled for a pelvic exam a few days after I tested positive but I cancelled because it made me nervous to just be meeting with a nurse-practitioner, especially one that I didn't know -- it was with a different ob/gyn practice though. Hmmmmm.

I still think I need to definately add a counselor to the mix, so that I'm feeling more supported psychologically through this endeavor and not as isolated. I've got some counselor recommendations through the PNWSMTB Yahoo group -- Pacific NW Seattle Mommies To Be -- which has been helpful. Now I just have to work up my courage to call.

Preparing for Delivery

Here are a few links about selecting care providers for your pregnancy and how to prepare a birth plan that might help you to understand your choices and opportunities better.

Caregiver Selection

Choosing a Caregiver for Pregnancy, Labor and Birth

What's a Doula

About Midwifery

Birth Plans

Five Things Labor and Delivery Nurses Wish You Knew -- don't create your birth plan in a vacuum

Birth Preference Tips (PDF)

Birth Planning FAQ

A Birth Plan

Interactive Birth Plan

Eyes-Open Childbirth: Writing a Meaningful Plan for a Gentle Birth

Preparing a Birth Plan -- from Parents Magazine

Where to Deliver

Where Women Give Birth

Home Birth Reference Site

Home Birth Reference

Labor Induction

Inducing labor

Induction: Getting Labor Started

Labor Induction: Can You Say, "Induce My Labor"? Sure you can, but maybe you shouldn’t

To Induce or not to Induce: Know the Risks Involved in This Increasing Trend

Other Delivery Info

Labor & Delivery -- info from I Dream of Baby

Calculating Due Dates and the Impact of Mistaken Estimates of Gestational Age

Role of the Anesthesiologist in Labor Delivery (Microsoft PowerPoint file -- it appears to only work for download and not open directly)

Expecting the Unexpected: When Your Delivery Doesn't Go As Planned

A Guide to Effective Care in Pregnancy and Childbirth -- chapters available for download as PDF

Signs of Labor

Online Childbirth Class


Other

Babyzone Labor and Birth Index - a whole host of articles

Getting a Stubborn Patient to Say Yes

Binsi -- clothing designed and approved for delivery

I'm just back from my trip to Paris and I had a great time. There are benefits to being child-free in that you can actually get away like that and just do what you want to do.

I'm still feeling trepidation about TTC right now, I think a friend of mine pinned it on the head when she said that it was probably more that my caregivers haven't really shown me that they have a good plan for monitoring my next pregnancy which is causing more anxiety about it. After the two losses that kicked me to the ground and all our difficulty conceiving in the first place its just frustrating and the way the docs deal with it just makes me feel like I'm going to have to go it alone again. I'm thinking of going for counseling and also talking to my current ob/gyn about it. I don't know if there's any chance that I could not feel like a total wreck should I get pg again but at least I shouldn't have to feel like I'm being treated like a regular ob patient -- I've cried too many tears and had too much pain for that at this point.

Apprehension

My partner was talking to his friends who just got knocked on a Clomid cycle, got engaged and bought a house all in the same week. They were asking him when we are going to try again and he said maybe July. I feel so torn about it all. I just have no confidence in the process of procreation at this point in time, and even if it works I still feel a lot of apprehension about all the pg fatigue and yuckiness. Not good is it.

Mardi equals Tuesday

Were about to head out for the day, another day of
cafes, shopping and lots and lots of walking. My
parents want to see the Arc de Triumph today.

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I made it

Im in France now, in a taxi on my way to the hotel. I
cant wait to take a shower and get something to drink.
Lots of thinking on the plane about my fertility and
miscarriages, probably because Ive got AF but its also
that time of year. I was also reminded of how badly I
wanted to come here after my first loss. Well here I am.

Have I been ignoring you?

No I haven't. I've just been busy with things and this luteal phase is thankfully so much better than they have been somewhat recently. Just a little breast tenderness, minor irritability, a few pimples that you might not even notice, and just a touch of bloating.

What has changed though to have caused this profound difference. By gosh I don't know, I just don't know. I have been using my hot water bottle on my woomba regularly in the evening, also drinking my herbs and going for weekly acu. I have been trying to take more exercise with the weather being nicer. But still, I wouldn't think it was enough to make a difference. And the stupid thing is that I could stop the herbs and acu and I bet I would hurt like hell again the next luteal phase. That's freaking sad and it irritates me too (I did mention I was a little irritable).

I don't know if I mentioned it but my acu appointments are covered but only while I'm not trying. I get 10 or 12 treatments included through my insurance from work. Pretty rad eh? They won't cover treatment for fertility though -- but the difference between not trying and trying is like nothing at all, especially since the qi problems are still the same. Strange, eh?

My latest is Yin deficiency, and I've been feeling tired and drained. Still got the Liver Qi Stag., Phlegm, Blood Deficiency and I'm sure Spleen Qi Def (related to the Phlegm and Blood Def.) Still I'm having less PMSy/breast pain issues this cycle -- but more slight constipation which is fun and supposedly Liver Qi stag. related.

I made chicken livers earlier this week, to help get more heme iron in my diet. Not my favorite thing but my body seems to appreciate it.

-----

I visited with my friend who has the stage 4 cancer yesterday. Oh my gosh what she has been through. And one of her cancer docs told her that she had less than a 5% chance of living to the end of the year. That made me so angry, they totally don't know that. The book Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster makes mention of a study that showed that when doctors told certain patients with "terminal" illnesses that they had x number of weeks or months to live that the patients would just die like on clockwork at that time. But treated elsewise, without having time marked for them and they would keep on going. So freaking pooh on that damn doc for telling her such a thing. She had a tumor blocking her colon and the surrounding tissue was so swollen and distended that the surgeon couldn't reconnect the colon where the malignancy was removed from so she has a temporary colostomy. The cancer has spread to her lymph system so they removed a ton of lymph nodes. Her liver showed a mass a few months ago but she just had tests a few days ago and there was nothing there. Not on the ultrasound, not on the MRI, not on the x-ray. She's been having acu and energetic treatments -- Seattle has a lot of alternative medical practitioners so if you are open to it it's available to you. One of her practitioners said that when she first started working with my friend she could feel the cancer, but there was one treatment where my friend felt an energy shift (she got hot or something like that) and ever since then the practitioner can't feel the cancer any longer. If she can make it through all this nasty chemo and gain some weight back I feel truly in my heart as though she might be this. Please send her your very best healing thoughts and prayers. Thanks.

Thursday was CD16, supposedly 1dpo and I woke up with my knees aching and then after lunch I got a headache and low backache. I told my acupuncturist about it at my acu appt and she told me that it was my kidney qi that was messed up. It might have had to do with the cycle transition from O to LP.

She said I'm still blood deficient and likely Yin deficient as well. Then there's still the fibroid indicating phlegm obstruction and blood stasis -- and liver qi stagnation. The spot where she was going to insert a needle below my navel was actually colored pink before she even touched it.

They have a new massage therapist working in the practice who is trained in Arvigo technique which she thinks I should do after I get back from my trip to France. She said for her patients with fibroids and endometriosis they have been having dramatic improvements alternating between acu and abdominal massage.


One of my partner's friend's girlfriend just did a couple of cycles on Clomid and she's now pg. I'm not looking forward to seeing her as she's been completely ga-ga wanting to have babies and even buying baby magazines.

There's this part of me that hopes she doesn't lose it and then there's the part of me that hopes she does feel all the horror and grief of miscarriage. It's like I wanted to be that happy but I had it taken away from me twice, that and more since it affected my health as well. But also because m/c is just part of what happens. It's happened to me twice so why shouldn't happen to her. It think you all know what I mean, well at least if you've been through infertility and miscarriage you know what I mean.

Chronic Babes Unite

I found this site while surfing about and thought that some of the readers here might appreciate it. It's for women...sorry Babes dealing with chronic health conditions. I don't know whether infertility or fibroids count as being as chronic as other conditions but at least it's an inspiring resources that's all about getting a life and having fun.

http://www.chronicbabe.com/

So sad

A friend of mine just told me today that in January she was diagnosed with cancer. Not just any cancer but cancer of the colon and liver and stage 4 at that. She had some indigestion after dinner at a restaurant that lasted for days and when she went to see the doc they rushed her in for emergency surgery to removed parts of both organs. She's been through chemo for months now and lost 15 pounds and she was a skinny minnie to start with.

She had a hysterectomy a couple years ago due to problems with uterine fibroids and now this. Before she even told me which parts I mentioned to her that it was probably related to spleen qi deficiency and liver qi stagnation -- commonly recognized causes for uterine fibroids. How freaking scary though. She's healthy, exercises regularly and is a vegetarian.

Send her some prayers and healing thoughts if you can.

Six Things About Me

Baby Lust tagged me so I'm going to participate in this blog meme.

1. I'm a morning person who doesn't like to get to work before 9am. When I was in school I really hated going to school before 9am. I'm not sure why since I wake up fairly early but I like a nice, quiet, slow morning.

2. I'm competitive about my artwork and creative endeavors. It's one of the only areas of my life that can work me up into tears if I feel like I'm not doing well enough. I'm not that way about many things, though often I have high standards. I want to be one of the best, within reason of course.

3. I was thinking about this tonight on the way home from French class but ever since my second miscarriage last year it frequently comes into my mind. And not just any part of it but the part where I'm in the shower and it's worse than the scene from the movie Psycho. That downstairs bathroom is forever marked in my mind with that event. (Commercials or things on TV about the movie Psycho also bug me now and I have to change the channel)

4. I don't like showering every day, I'll go every other day. I get cold coming out of the shower and I really don't like that. Also washing my hair everyday leaves it hard to manage.

5. I don't much like washing dishes and when I do I wear rubber gloves. I was a summer intern in high school at a college biology lab and got to grow bacterial cultures and since then dirty dishes and dishwater freak me out.

6. When I get sick I apologize to my body for not treating it better and I really think about it on the cellular level. I feel like my body is really a the sum of many different organisms with all the little cells in it. I'm weird I know.

I don't have anyone to tag in the infertility world right now. Feel free to tag yourself or post your own list in response to this one in the comments if you don't have a blog of your own.

Progress?

I had acu this morning and she switched my herb formula because she said my signs of dampness had diminished. I told her I felt like I was on a bit of a roller coaster but she told me that the dampness and phlegm obstruction had stopped the qi from flowing.

Now with the dampness mostly resolved the underlying condition of liver qi stagnation is surfacing -- all that stopped up qi from the obstruction is now trying to flow but it isn't flowing smoothly. The new herb she added in will help build the blood but also help with the liver qi stagnation. Go figure eh? It makes me feel like such a mess but I feel crappy without treatment so that isn't an option for me right now.

I have been good putting a hot water bottle on my belly in the evening to help with the fibroid (though I can't bring myself to do the castor oil pack), drinking my tea and then getting more exercise.

UB62!

I had a headache all day yesterday, and felt vaguely full of water -- but not really bloated. I couldn't figure it out but it wasn't the kind of headache that Tylenol will fix. It was the kind that I've had over the past week, that's like when I took Vitex and Blupleurum last year and they were too moving for me.

Last night while in bed sipping my fibroid herbs from my acu, with a hot water bottle on my belly I took out The Infertility Cure to see if I could find anything -- which is hard as you know b/c not everything in it is indexed. Then the outside of my foot started hurting out of nowhere and I looked it up -- UB62. When I looked further into that in the book (Governing Meridian key point) it sounded like it was perfectly connected to
excess hormones and headache that I've been experiencing. I rubbed it once, but just thinking about that spot seemed to get the Qi flowing as I started feeling tingly sensations going up the backs of my legs and back.

I woke up really sleepy this morning and still with a little headache.

I did have a chiropractic treatment yesterday afternoon, one of my vertibrae mid back was stuck I noticed at dance class on Saturday. I don't know if that might have contributed as well

Miscarriage Tips

I just wanted to write down a few things that might be helpful for people dealing with their first losses. Others feel free to add on your advice as well.

-- Unless your pg is dating more than a week behind in the 6-7 week range, you can't be sure about what's going on with your pg until you have waited a week and had a repeat scan unless you are already losing it and bleeding or have blood tests showing that your HCG level is dropping.

-- Don't just get a d&c after one bad u/s, wait a week just to confirm -- barring other situations that might preclude that such as ectopic, molar pg, etc. Sometimes things look badly and then it turns out to be just a bad scan. Not a majority of the time but you don't want to make a decision hastily and then feel guilt-ridden later that you hadn't given it a chance.

-- the medications that they use to knock women out during a d&c can have a side-effect that you might wake up crying. Doctors and anesthesiologists don't often tell women this and when you are dealing with the already emotionally traumatic experience of pg-loss this s/e can really make you feel worse and more out of control. (light sedation won't do this)

-- you usually have the option of doing a d&c under light sedation or under general. Ask your doctor about it. Some gals have had better experiences with light sedation. I've had both but only general during the d&c to remove retained tissue -- one didn't strike me as better than the other but each has it own benefits and drawbacks.

-- You can choose to m/c at home on your own. You need to know what to watch for (hemorrhaging and signs of infection) but lots of women do it. (see my miscarriage prescription)

-- Even if you have a d&c to end a failed pg more quickly you still might go into labor a few days later. (see my miscarriage prescription)

-- you might want to save the POC/baby if you miscarry at home. Some women here have planted it in their garden or even it potted plants. Some women feel guilt later if they have flushed it down the toilet. It's totally up to you what you want to do but don't feel like a freak if you feel the need to honor your loss in that way. And if you don't want to it's okay too.

-- if you have a full-time job it is hard to know how much time to take off and when. Miscarriages can be draw out affairs. Many women take at least a week off, some go back to work right away. I've alternated, going to work when I was up to it and stayed home on the days when I just couldn't cope at all. It's hard, and I think we've all had to deal with it. Know that others have struggled as you have and that it's okay. Just try to be gentle with yourself.

-- its easy to want to stop taking care of yourself after you learn of your baby's demise, wait to miscarry and recover physically afterwards. To go from being so careful about what you eat and taking all your vitamins to eating junk food and drinking wine. Try to do better than that, keep taking your prenatals as your body will need the extra nutrition as it reorganizes your hormones and body back to an unpregnant state. Drink lots of water, go for walks, and eat healthy meals. It's okay if you aren't perfect and can't manage to be super fabulous about it, just make an effort. Not taking care of yourself isn't going to make you feel better ultimately, it might make you feel worse.

-- If you have lost a lot of blood make sure to add in more iron into your diet and take iron supplements for a while. I think taking a separate supplement separately from my prenatals is easier for my body to absorb -- I take a chewable iron that doesn't disagree with my system.

-- bleeding more than two weeks after a d&c should be looked into via u/s or at least a beta draw.

-- you should have a beta draw a week after a d&c to help make sure you have no retained tissue

-- if you continue to have a dragging pregnant feeling after your miscarriage and your doctor hasn't done a f/u beta draw you might have retained tissue.if you have retained tissue that is still growing and engaged the progesterone produced post-O will make you feel more pg

-- your body can ovulate after the hcg level drops below 40-50 ng/ml.

-- you might ovulate a couple weeks later or your body might need more time to recoup and get things reset and restarted after your loss.

No tears at dance class

I went to modern dance class again yesterday and got through class without any big swelling of emotions. Hopefully that was just a fluke thing, triggered more from lack of fitness than anything else -- it reminds me of why I feel so crap.

I was able to go through all the class this time but I only marked the composition as there was something pinching in my spine and I didn't want to push it just in case. I have a chiro appointment on Monday afternoon so hopefully that will help. At class another dancer mentioned a Pilates instructor she has worked with that really helped her with a major back injury (lower back slipped disc) and now it never bothers her. I'm going to look her up as well and see if maybe that might help strengthen things. I also got some new ballet slippers so I can continue to focus on some basic barre and floor work at home for strengthening my back and core gently.

Except for the recent hormonally induced PMS issues over all I'm feeling so much more myself finally. Each day I feel like I've been sleeping for the past few years. My partner even recognizes it, and it had a lot to do with my original fibroid diagnosis; it really caused me to lose my sense of self and caused me to shut down a bit. Overall I feel really relieved.

Yesterday on the Ovusoft Miscarriage board I read a post someone made about how her losses took all the joy from her life and how she finally stopped trying because she didn't want to live like that anymore. That's sort of what I feel as well. I can be happy and childless or struggling with TTC, infertility and miscarriage. Right now just being me is bringing joy to my heart and spirit.

Charmed Star Pregnant with Second Post Fibroid Surgery

I thought you might be interested to know that Holly Marie Combs from the TV show Charmed is pg with her second child. She had a fibroid surgery several years ago.

Mentions of her fibroid surgery:

"I had a few fibroids removed, and they left me with a Grand Canyon of scar tissue in my uterus. The doctors weren't sure I'd be able to reproduce. I was prepared for a rough road, and then out of nowhere we conceived."
From: Celebrity Mom Interview: Holly Marie Combs

"Actually," she says, "I'm not quite sure if I want to talk about this, but I kind of do, because I'm so sick of all these rumors. I just had surgery (for a uterine fibroid) recently, and we shut down for two weeks.

"These girls, I mean, Shannen was with me through every doctor's appointment and held my hand, and Alyssa was in my hospital room every day, she even climbed into bed with me. These are kind of life-and-death things when you really need people, and they're actually there. It's pretty nice.

"It made a huge difference in how fast I got better to have them around and have them be so supportive of me. These were not pleasant doctor's appointments and tests that they sat through with me. And my crew was so supportive of me. It's really become this family atmosphere where we take care of each other."
From: Holly Marie Combs' "Charmed" Life

From other links I found it sounds like she was a vegetarian for years and her fibroids might have been discovered when she was 24.