Reporting in from my RE appt this afternoon. My bloodwork cane back great. FSH was something like 5.7 which she said was excellent. Thyroid WA normal too. She gave me an u/s to check on my fibroid, etc. The fibroid was down from 6x9cm during my pg to 3x4 cm. It is intramural, in the wall of the uterus, but not impacting my lining or interior form. That is a relief. My lining was good and she counted 9 antral follicles on the left, which she thought was great. My right ovary had a few follicles but was far more quiet.

I remember that when I had cyclic pain in the past the u/s always showed ovulation on the left. Then fibroids in TCM are linked to blood stagnation, and my fibroid is on the right. It makes me think that maybe I should try some arvigo massage to help improve circulation.

She said the short LP was of some concern as we could be conceiving and miscarrying. She said she wouldn't want to try meds while I'm still nursing. She thought it would be a good idea to have my partner have another s/a.

We had a nice visit and i told her about my delivery and how my fibroid surgery with her was a positive experience that prepared me for my c/s. I told her to feel free to share anything from my history that might be helpful to other patients. I'm glad I went as now I can just work on tweaking things. My RE said to consider the door open once we had weaned if we might want to try letrozole or clomid.

I just scheduled an appointment with the RE for the week after next. I pressed to get CD3 bloodwork done before going in, as AF is due next week and that would be a lot more useful for the consult -- otherwise we might have to wait until mid-November as my cycles are running around 5 weeks most times.

I called my partner to let him know I scheduled a consult and he started going on about how we haven't been trying at all and that we need to try 30 times and be all mechanical about trying. I reminded him that I've been charting and we have been timed correctly. I got AF back two years ago, which means I'm ovulating.

Talking to my partner just left me frustrated. Here he keeps asking me if we are going to have another and then when I try to take the next step to get some professional input he starts to act like he knows better.

I decided that you guys were right, that a consult with the RE, who has specialized training in this area would be the quickest way to get the input that I want. I've worked with this RE before, she did my fibroid surgery and repeat d&c. It isn't like I'm going to talk to some unknown person.

I don't think that docs can do much for infertility while nursing, since nursing hormones (high prolactin particularly) automatically compromises fertility, at least some. I remember one mom in a TTC while nursing bg took Clomid while nursing b/c she didn't realize and the doc never asked and she got pg that cycle, which was interesting to note.

My toddler is laying across me, nursing, asleep for his nap. I love that my schedule let's me be able to do this with him. With a second child things would probably be quite different.

About Uterine Polyps

A new buddy of mine online just posted that she was diagnosed with a polyp. Here's what I shared with her:

Fibroids and polyps can change the microenvironment in your uterus by irritating the lining and causing a reaction akin to what an IUD does I believe. You end up with your body reacting to the "foreign" object but at the same time it's so hyper active from an immune standpoint that it disallows implantation. (some of this is sort of subjective on my part but I've read a lot about implantation, fibroid, etc.)

Do you like your ob/gyn? Don't they have a backup? If you are really feeling put off then maybe try finding help elsewhere -- though here in Seattle getting in to see an ob/gyn as a new patient takes 2 months plus.

Here are some links for you:



Emerging endometrial polyp during controlled ovarian
stimulation affects IVF/ICSI outcome

Results: In the patients with endometrial polyps, no pregnancy was achieved. Clinical pregnancy rates and implantation rates of the second group were 28.35% (55/194) and 13.05%, respectively. Fifteen of the pregnant women (27.27%) experienced miscarriages. In some of the patients, hysteroscopy was performed for removal of the endometrial polyp. In part of them, after the polyp resection, spontaneous pregnancy occurred.
Conclusion: Our results reveal that endometrial polyp <10 mm, appearing during COS is a rare complication and it may have a negative influence on the IVF/ICSI outcome. In order to improve embryo implantation, we need to remove the above mentioned endometrial polyp. Abnormalities at the endometrial level and abnormal embryo–endometrial dialogue may be responsible for some cases of implantation failure. Endometrial polyp may be an impediment to embryo implantation because it acts as space occupying lesion and/or disturbs the expression of various endometrial products such as pinopodes, integrins and cytokines. It is not clear whether the expression of such factor as the endometrial polyp is the reason for implantation failure or is just a reflection of other abnormalities taking place in complex cascade of events.
From: ESHRE Meeting, June 2006 - Implantation

Surgery is usually recommended for polyps, for several reasons:
To try to improve fertility. Polyps may interfere with implantation of a fertilised egg in the lining of the womb, so they're often removed to try to improve the chances of conceiving.
From: Uterine Polyps

Leiomyomas and polyps are growing tumours and thus produce significant plasma glycodelin levels. Uterine glycodelin flushings are elevated in patients with both polyps and leiomyomas. Elevated glycodelin levels in the follicular and peri-ovulatory period may impair fertilization and implantation.
From: Glycodelin levels in uterine flushings and in plasma of patients with leiomyomas and polyps: implications for implantation.

Endometrial polyps appear to be organized overgrowths of the uterine endometrium, although the precise mechanisms leading to their development are not clearly defined. The endometrial lining of the uterine cavity grows in response to estrogen and is architecturally restructured in response to progesterone. If the response to estrogen is excessive, either in the presence of unopposed estrogen (such as during periods of anovulation) or whenever the bioactivity of the circulating estrogen is increased (such as with increased numbers of estrogen receptors or with decreased metabolism of estrogen) overgrowth of the endometrium may occur. If these overgrowths organize and develop their own blood supply then they become polyps.

The mere presence of polypoid overgrowths in the uterine cavity may (at least theoretically) interfere with implantation and fertility. I have envisioned polyps as acting sort of like IUDs in the cavity, creating a hostile environment for embryo implantation. I remove endometrial polyps in women with reproductive problems and these women (anecdotally) seem to do remarkably well in subsequent fertility efforts. A well designed research project describing fertility outcome after treatment for different types of endometrial polyps would be valuable.

Endometrial polyps are not always benign. I removed one normal appearing endometrial polyp hysteroscopically and this was found to contain an endometrial adenocarcinoma (cancer) on pathology report. Therefore, in the presence of any atypical overgrowth of tissue it is always important to think about the possibility of cancer
From: Miscarriages - Causes and Treatments

Bloated as anything

Have you ever had a cycle where you went from feeling normal, almost skinny before ovulation and then felt like you gained 10 pounds after ovulation? It's been driving me nuts and I thought to myself, surely I've not been eating that much. Even my underwear hasn't been fitting right for the past 10 days.

This morning I have my consult with my ob/gyn to discuss my care plan for my next pregnancy. I figured that to rule it out, I would test this morning before my appointment to see if anything was there. I wasn't that optimistic. I took the test and it was blank, and waited and it was blank. So I stuck it in my drawer and then after a couple of minutes I checked again. And sure enough there was the faintest line coming up. I sort of felt like something must be going on for all that bloating.

So here you go, my third BFP, without any enhancement:

So, that's three for three of getting pg around this time of year.

I'm just hanging out, bloated as anything. What a fun LP this one is. And all my pants are tight and I'm fighting with my underwear all the time due to my backside being a little too fluffy for its own sake. I swear I gain inches during my LP. My partner is out with his friends, he should as he's been working, working, working non-stop as he's overloaded with projects right now. The poor guy needs a break. Since I have to fend for myself I'm thinking couscous, salad and grilled asparagus -- I've got a load of veggies to use up.

Extended birth control use issues that could affect fertility and health

There was a discussion on Ovusoft so I looked up some references based on things that I had read here and there. Studies supposedly show that upwards of 80% of women will return to "normal" cycles upon discontinuation of the Pill. It really does matter how they did those studies though, as cycles before and after hormonal contraceptive use might differ wildly so normal isn't really as normal as you might have been if you hadn't used the Pill.

I never used the Pill, it wasn't anything other than a philosophical position -- it didn't seem right to me to introduce prolonged hormonal manipulation to my body just for the sake of more assurance against unwanted pregnancy. I was careful in my selection of partners, there were few as well that I crossed that line of intimacy with, I was willing to be diligent in my use of condoms and I knew I was open to dealing with any unfortunate outcomes of my approach. Still I ended up with fibroids and heavy period and anemia and who knows if BCPs might not have carved out a different reality for me. My sister on the other hand used all sorts of birth control including Depo and she ended up with 6 fibroids combined to the size of a grapefruit (the size mine was when it was removed after I became pregnant) and that was a good 6-7 years ahead of when I got to that point when you factor in our age difference.

Here are some mentions of the pill that might interest you.

After the pill, the copper IUD, superovulation-stimulating drugs (Clomid, etc.) or previous childbirth, the copper may be over-high and the zinc, and possibly also magnesium and manganese, may be too low. It is vital to adjust this before embarking on the next pregnancy, to avoid the risk of miscarriage or premature birth.
From: Foresight, Preparing for Pregnancy

14 women with a history of taking a combined oral contraceptive (norethynodrel plus mestranol) were studied and were found to have vaginal candidosis which commenced after an average period of 9 months from start of contraceptive therapy. 4 sexual contacts (men) of those women taking the pill were also discovered to have vaginal candidosis; they had presented with candidal balanoposthitis. 4 other men had clinical manifestations suggestive of balanoposthitis caused by hypersensitivity to the candidosis of their sexual partners. Nystatin was a satisfactory treatment in most cases; however, 2 women had to stop using the pill because of frequent relapses of yeast infections.

From: Candida albicans and the contraceptive pill.

Nutrients that can be reduced by the use of Oral Contraceptives (OC):

Folic Acid (Folate). Birth control pills tend to cause folic acid depletion and increase the risk of cervical dysplasia and vascular thrombosis, stroke, and possibly megaloblastic anemia.

B-vitamins. As several B-vitamins are affected negatively by birth control pill use, a B-complex supplement is suggested, especially vitamin B6 if depression is present.

Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid). Levels are lowered by OC use which interferes with the metabolism of ascorbic acid. Insufficient intake of ascorbate is also associated with an increased risk of cervical dysplasia.

Selenium. Selenium absorption may be reduced. Selenium is an important nutrient for cancer prevention.

From: Birth Control Pill Issues

Also since the affect of the pill cause changes in the hypothalmus-pituitary-ovarian axis isn't it possible that prolonged use actually can cause some potential atrophy of this system in how it is normally meant to function? Using a contrasting situation, if you shot up someone who was healthy with insulin for years, even at a low dose, wouldn't it affect the function of the pancreas long-term? (]more about how the Pill works here)

The pill may cause permant sex drive loss

BOSTON, May 26 (UPI) -- Women who take contraceptive pills may suffer reduced sex drive for the rest of their lives, University of Boston researchers say.

It has been long known that oral contraceptives lower levels of testosterone, and thus sex drive, and increase levels of sex hormone binding globulin, or SHBG.

While it was thought that the pill's adverse effects could be reversed, the University of Boston research shows they may be permanent, the London Daily Mail reported Thursday...

Women taking the pill had SHBG levels that were seven times higher than women who had never taken oral contraceptives.

Women who quit taking the pill still registered SHBG levels that were four times as great as non-contraceptive users.

Moving...

I went to dance class this morning, its time for me to take back my body from the past year. I haven't been very active in a year, except for intermittently. I went to a dance class last September I think it was, there was a half day of skiing in December, occasional ballet at home using tapes, the daily swimming and running while in Fiji but not really that much overall. I haven't felt up to it.

Now though, its time to get back into the swing of dance practice, my body needs it for flexibility and strength -- it counteracts the computer work and also the whiplash injuries.

I went to a beginning class this morning and I could feel the aches and pains. I wasn't feeling very strong through the warm-up, without strength you don't have control and you can hurt yourself.

The more I moved, the more the past two years...they started to come out, wrap around me, about how this experience came through me and then to me and it hurt me. I could feel it all welling up inside of me -- how did all of that happen to me?

I could tell I reached my emotional limit so I ducked out after the warm-up; my instructor knows what's happened just enough to understand. I started crying as I left the studio.

I feel like I am a tight ball, crouched down protecting myself and holding out. I need to open up slowly and let it all out. I was thinking about how I've been taking back myself through my French class and growing more in my role at work as and owner -- I guess taking back my body is going to take a little longer. I'll have to just keep going until it doesn't hurt any more.

When I came home I told my partner that I really don't want to get pregnant right now. I don't want to deal with another bout of all the badness that comes with miscarriage right now, I'm not in a place to take it on. And being pregnant would only be a huge emotionally loaded distration and I want to focus on work right now. I want to focus on being me and doing that well.

What's up with the neighbors

I came back from a trip out of town and my partner mentioned to me that the couple next door told him that they are in the process of adopting a baby from China.

How odd I thought, two infertile couples living next door to each other. I did wonder why they didn't have kids, they seem to live their home life so deliberately, almost regimented.

Still I don't find the wife friendly at all so I wouldn't commiserate with her at all, especially since we're not the adopting sort at this point in our lives. I get along well enough with the husband but pretty much the only interactions we have with them as neighbors is when they need something from us.

I don't know how I feel about it yet. I suppose it might make me feel frustrated or something later on but right now the infertility connection seems to be the most noticible thing.

I ovulated while I was out of town and so there wasn't a chance that anything could come from this cycle. I did meet up with one of my miscarriage buddies from BabyCenter though for a wee bit and that was really super nice. ;)

I also started mon cours de Francais hier soir, oh la la. It was tres tres bien.

The big business of fertility medicine

As I was driving to work yesterday I heard mention on the local NPR station of an upcoming program about fertility medicine. I didn't catch when it was and searching their site hasn't been helpful so I decided to do a general web search. I did find some other interesting artitles that I thought you might enjoy so here you go.

I think this first one is the program I heard about on the radio, about the unregulated big business of fertility medicine:

The Baby Business - Here and Now Podcast and a transcription on the Living on Earth site
Infertility is a painful prospect for hopeful parents, but Harvard Business School professor Deborah Spar also saw infertility as a big business, 3 billion dollars in the U.S. alone. And she says, should we view it more as a business.
Wed, 08 Mar 2006 16:58:02 EST

The Fertility Race -- a series of radio shows from Minnesota Public Radio about fertility


All Too Conceivable - Slate.com, an article about the short-lived NBC show Inconceivable


It's interesting listening to the program after our recent stint back in with the RE. I'm feeling pretty okay right now, and my period just show up yesterday even. I feel liberated right now, like it doesn't matter if we conceive or not. I don't think I wrote about it here but my sister called me last week and I told her about our recent struggles and how I just didn't like how it all felt and she said right away, quite earnestly and supportively -- "but you have so much else going on in your life." It was said with love and compassion and a deep understanding of my value and worth, something only a sister who loved you could say or perhaps a very dear friend.

I found out this week that one of my infertile buddies finally birthed her little girl, she got pregnant right as my last one was failing. And then another online buddy, this one dealing with Spleen Qi Deficiency and infertility and being treated by an acupuncturist, she got a BFP and I'm really pleased for her.

While in New York a few weeks ago, my friend Jen mentioned that it was odd for those of us who meet in the online space to have access to each other's lives in this deeply personal and intense times of our lives as we deal with fertility and family. I think she's right, it's downright profound that we should even think to share so much of that experience with relative strangers online, though it speaks volumes to the relative amount of stress the experience comes with that we need to talk about it so much. The only downside of it is when you find out that you are in the very small group of people who don't concieve on their own after two years. And then watch as others pursue fertility treatments, some of which are not available to you due to other health issues. And then when the situation changes and you realize that you have philosophical issues with fertiity treatment and that you don't want to do it (that's me right now), it just makes it hard to relate a bit to those who were infertile and are now mothers. Those who were infertile and are now pursuing treatment. Those who were infertile and are pursuing adoption.

I think that God has a purpose for me yet, be it as a mother or in some other role. I just need to be the very best me I can be in the meantime so I'm refocusing on life outside of baby-making. I'm able to focus around the house like I haven't been able to do in several years due to the emotional disruptions of fibroids, infertility, surgery and miscarriage. I'm able to focus on growing at work and I'm really proud of my strength and determination. I still care for my online friends so much, and I've been pleased to see that they are as awesome in person as online. There's a great gift in that and someday I hope to see more of them as I travel around.

Goodnight for now.

Holding up

I'm in the middle of my luteal phase and my breasts aren't killing me. Hows' that for an improvement? I think the acupuncture is helping out.

We went out with friends the other night and I wasn't drinking and I mentioned it was a chinese medicine/acupuncture thing and our friend's girlfriend who is an ear-nose-throat doctor asked me about it. I was dubious of how interested she was but I mentioned that I was having bad PMS, nausea for the better part of five weeks, really bad congestion and post-nasal drip, etc. Her response? That it was probably gastro-esophogeal reflux and that there's medication for that. I said I don't think acid reflux gives you bad PMS, and then she said, well no... I said that the dietary changes and the acupuncture and herbs seemed to be helping and the nausea was now gone. She said it was probably coincidence to which I replied I was sure that it wasn't. Oh sigh.

I went for a massage today, the first time that I've seen this practioner since September 2004. She practices Lomi Lomi massage, a technique that comes from Hawaii. Sometimes she chants during the massage, and she usually starts out with a type of prayer, but she always checks in with you on an emotional level before she starts so she can help use the time for more healing. When she asked how I was doing I said pretty good. But then I told her about the recent EDD and anniversary and I started getting teary. I filled her in a little about the second loss, about my frustrations with Western medicine having nothing really to offer since they don't really listen, and about how depleted I've felt since last June.

We started into the massage and I started crying a bit, it was hard just being touched. Before I got there I thought I might fall asleep during the massage but there was no chance of that happening. She worked a lot on opening up my hips and that didn't hurt but it felt like there was a little grief hidden there. Then I asked her to do some abdominal work and when she started doing that it felt like there was a big tight knot in the middle there. So she pulled back some and started asking me to do some visualizations and breathing and after a while my hands started buzzing, sort of like an electric shock but ongoing. She had placed one hand on my heart and the other on my belly and they were just buzzing and buzzing with energy. Then suddenly I started sobbing and crying and it was really intense, I told her I supposed I had been holding a lot of grief in there. She told me to just cry if I needed to and the tears rolled down the sides of my face into my ears and down my neck. Big fat tears.

She told me to breathe in and on the exhale to direct hope, or light or healing to the part of me where I'm holding my grief. I kept thinking of it like my shadow, a full body of myself but only a few inches thick that was dark and I held in my back. She asked me to acknowledge the place in my center, to ask it if it had a name or perhaps a shape -- what came to mind was the color green and the shape of a kidney bean. It was so odd and emotionally intense.

I'm going to go back for another massage in a few weeks to keep trying to resolve this, to help my body move on more. It's amazing what you can find hidden inside the folds and curves of your body.

Give me land lots of land under starry skies above (Don't fence me in)

My partner and I talked last night and we're going to take another break to focus on other parts of our lives. This is a continuation of the same feelings that caused me to take a break in November. When I took the time to reapply myself to work and my other interests I feel stronger and more accomplished. My entire being is screaming at me right now that I'm more than an infertile person.

Yes maybe we will conceive on our own again. Who the heck knows. I just can't do this anymore -- you know what I'm talking about. The little compromises, the hopeful thinking, the little things that you do and don't do when you think that somewhere in your near future there might be a pregnancy.

I think just quitting this game is the best answer for me right now. No one has any answers or reason and throwing medication at that won't fix the fact that we mostly don't get pregnant but when we do we lose them and each time it happens it sucks the life out of me.

I'd rather just be an artist and travel the world and not be directing so much energy to this really painful, damaging and unsatisfying process. I have more to give the world than to be a mother.

I'm going to work on my kitchen remodel and probably my artwork as well, it's been a long while since I had a show.

I'll continue to post here about how I'm feeling and what's going on with me.

Thank you for your continued support.

I'm feeling depressed tonight, I don't feel like I can keep doing this. I feel like I don't really want to try anymore, that I don't want to get pregnant, that I don't want to have a baby, that I don't want to deal with any of it.

How do you handle that?

I feel like crying but I can't get it out.

About Femara/Letrozole Safety for Ovulation Induction

I'm just starting to research the safety of Femara/Letrozole but I'll continue to update this post as I find out more. This summary from the ASRM 2005 Conference was interesting:


Biljan (Montreal, Canada) and colleagues[7] reported the results of a study of the births of 150 babies following treatment with the aromatase inhibitor letrozole. In this study, 5 mg of letrozole was given in all cycles analyzed. Perinatal outcome information over 36,000 deliveries from the same hospital was used to provide the control population. Maternal age and the proportion of multifetal deliveries (110 singleton and 20 twins) were higher in the letrozole group. Malformations were detected in 4.7% of the newborns in the letrozole group and in only 1.8% of the newborns in the control population. When the type of malformation was considered, locomotor, bone and cardiac malformations were more common following letrozole treatment.

The findings of this study are surprising, as until now no adverse perinatal effects had been reported with aromatase inhibitors. They were considered to be safe because they are used in only the early follicular phase and their half-life is short. Some points about this report need to be raised, however. The rate of malformations in the control group is lower than that usually observed. Several factors influence the rate of malformations, such as maternal age, the order of the pregnancy, gestational age at delivery, medication use during pregnancy, and maternal medical complications. One must make an effort to control for these factors during the analysis. Maternal age was higher in the study group and there were more multiple gestations. It is also known that the incidence of congenital malformations is higher following infertility treatment, so it would be better to compare the letrozole group to groups undergoing other types of infertility treatment. Still, the findings of this study should lead to more careful use of aromatase inhibitors for infertility management. Further studies need to evaluate the association between aromatase inhibitors (various doses) and congenital malformations.

More about the Highlights of the ASRM 2005 Conference

The half-life of Letrozole is about 2 days. This means that it takes about 2 days for the concentration of the drug to drop in one-half in the serum. In general, a drug will be completely eliminated in 5 half-lives. In the case of Letrozole, this is about 10 days. The pharmacokinetic studies which determined the half-life of the drug may not have been done in women of reproductive age as the drug was to be used in post-menopausal women. Thus it may be metabolized differently in younger women. In fact, two unknown metabolites are mentioned in the PDR which may have untoward biological activity. Most studies used Letrozole until about day 7 of the cycle. Thus, it is possible that the drug could still be in the system at the time of conception around day 14 or so if we assume it takes 5 half-lives to be completely excreted and potential metabolites exist that could have biological activity. Also, the half-life of a drug may be increased by increasing the dose of the drug. Some use Letrozole at 5.0 mg or 7.5 mg doses, potentially increasing the half-life of the drug. The dose in breast cancer patients is 2.5 mg per day. There is more to drug disposition than simply the half-life. The clearance of the drug is slow and the volume of distribution is approximately 2 L/kg, indicating that it is widely distributed in the body (2). This raises the possibility that the drug or its metabolites could be distributed to the ovary or uterus, organs vital for reproduction. Letrozole is mainly bound to albumin as a carrier protein in the blood. The PDR warns of fetal toxicity in rodent studies at doses of 0.003 mg/kg (about 1/100th the human dose) where increased intrauterine mortality, increased fetal resorption, increased post-implantation loss, decreased numbers of live fetuses, fetal anomalies fetal anomalies including shortening of the renal papilla and ureter dilation and incomplete ossification of the frontal skull and metatarsal. In rabbits, Letrozole was embryotoxic at doses of 1/100,000th and fetotoxic at doses 1/10,000th of the maximal recommended human dose. Thus, standard experimental models showed that Letrozole is toxic to the fetus. The PDR considers Letrozole to be a Category D drug in pregnancy (Positive evidence of fetal risk). Anytime a drug is Category D, the benefits must clearly outweigh the risks. Data on the health on the babies would certainly help to determine this. While the patients are not technically pregnant at the time they are taking the drug, can we be absolutely certain that it or one of its metabolites is no longer in the body especially given the low doses that are toxic in experimental animals?
From: Femara (Letrozole) as a Fertility Treatment: Potential Risks

AIs may be a viable option to replace CC in the
future as the new primary treatment for ovulation induction and in combination with FSH for assisted reproduction procedures. However, larger randomized controlled studies are required to determine the best treatment regimen. If such large studies confirm effectiveness and safety, the use of AIs for ovulation induction would be the first improvement in oral ovulation induction in decades.
Aromatase Inhibitors for ovulation induction
Casper and Mitwally, Sunday, August 21, 2005

A few raindrops turn into a downpour

I went to my niece's first birthday party last night. I've written about how uncomfortable I've been around her, starting during her mother's pregnancy as I lost mine.

The baby was being a pill last night, she was really clingy with her parents and didn't want to hang out really with anyone else. It didn't help that my period showed up yesterday (and wasn't it a full moon or just about as well?) After dinner we gave our presents, a dress I bought at the Lavender Festival last summer, plus a box to store baby keepsakes in and then a photo album in which I placed a bunch of our photos that they didn't have. Then my partner and his brother started playing the piano and guitar together doing old covers and my mother-in-law and I law on the couch. I was soooo tired with the cramps and drop in hormones and all, plus too much socializing all week long.

Then it started, just a couple tears at first which I subtly wiped away pretending my eyes were tired or itching. It's okay, I thought to myself, maybe just letting a little bit out will help me feel better. But as I continued to sit there, the feeling of not being acknowledged for my losses began to swell and gradually I couldn't contain it any more.

I walked over behind my partner who was facing the wall near the piano and whispered in his ear that we needed to go because I was crying. He nodded and then turned his face as he played and kissed my cheek through my hair that I was using to cover my face. At the end of the song he got up and said that it was time for us to go, I was already by the door with my things, and he quickly said goodbye. His brother came over to open the door and saw I was crying and asked if I was okay to which all I could say was its the anniversary of my dead babies not being born, how could I be okay? Which he didn't understand at all as he called after me as I walked into the darkness outside, "what? what?"

I totally lost it then as we drove back home, coughing and crying. My partner understood though, I was grateful for that. I told him that I couldn't keep holding it back, especially around his family since I don't really get any acknowledgement from them because I don't know how to talk to them about it. I told him that I thought that in some ways it was healthier for me to not be around babies and small children because then I could just focus on the me I am and not the me that I'm not, the losses that I've had in that area.

When we came home I continued to cry and it came to me that this time of year, with my two due dates going by without my even being pregnant, it's like having to keep driving past the finish line that you never get to cross.

Now that the family has seen me cry though, the first time I think, I don't know what to do. My instincts are to avoid them now because they couldn't possibly understand having never experienced this type of loss themselves. My other thought is to send them an email, my family and friends as well, and point out to them that January 23rd and February 13th are a time of mourning for me and that I just need a little acknowledgement of that. But I just don't know how that would go over.

Soy Might Impair Your Fertility and Hormone Balance

A lot of hype has gotten Americans consuming soy products in large quantities, in addition to the hidden additives of soy to many processed foods. But soy has hormonal affects and can be disruptive to your endocrine system, primarily interfering with thyroid function but it also may impair your ferility. Check out these links to learn more.

"Processed soy (actually, ANYTHING processed) is indeed bad. But, why soy? Three reasons: (a) contains chemicals that 'pull down' the thyroid (leads to hypothyroidism); (b) contains phyto-estrogens that block important minerals like Zinc and Magnesium from being absorbed into the body (2 VERY important minerals especially for women since having a deficiency in either one can cause numerous problems due to an estrogen/progesterone imbalance); and (c) does not contain essential amino acids. Soy products are commonly linked to weight gain and other hormone imbalances for these very reasons. It's also among the top allergens in this country, (the other top allergens include wheat, corn, dairy, chocolate, eggs, shellfish, and citrus). Many people have food allergies to soy and don't even know it. "
From: http://www.allergydir.com/Article692.php

"Soy foods couldn't possibly have a downside because Asians eat large quantities of soy every day and consequently remain free of most western diseases. In fact, the people of China, Japan, and other countries in Asia eat very little soy. The soy industry's own figures show that soy consumption in China, Indonesia, Korea, Japan, and Taiwan ranges from 9.3 to 36 grams per day.1 That's grams of soy food, not grams of soy protein alone. Compare this with a cup of tofu (252 grams) or soy milk (240 grams).2 Many Americans today think nothing of consuming a cup of tofu, a couple glasses of soy milk, handfuls of soy nuts, soy "energy bars," and veggie burgers. Infants on soy formula receive the most of all, both in quantity and in proportion to body weight."
Whole Soy Story: The Dark Side of America's Favorite Health Food

Chemical Found in Soy Products, Legumes Could Damage Sperm, Impair Fertility, Study Says

"The estrogen receptor beta is also known to respond to environmental and dietary chemicals that can mimic the effects of estrogen and stimulate the body's natural hormones. One example is genistein, a common component of soy products. These new studies by Korach and colleagues suggest that such environmental exposures could interact with estrogen receptor beta and possibly alter ovarian function in women."
from: New Discovery May Help Doctors Treat Infertility

Uterine adenocarcinoma in mice treated neonatally with genistein

It's not just that but most soy beans are genetically modified nowadays:

"Genetically modified soy has been on the market just five years. Yet it already accounts for two-thirds of the U.S. soybean harvest. Soy products are used in hundreds of processed foods, often to add texture and protein. So the biotech beans end up in pancake mix and baby formula, chicken soup and margarine, crackers and salad dressing, ice cream and granola bars."
From: Long Article on Roundup Ready Soybean Controversy

Some people say what choice do we have, but really there is a choice but we've not been given the chance to give our opinion. I remember listening to some FDA guy on the radio a few years ago as they debated GMO/GE crops and he said that the American public didn't care about the controversy and that they were fine with it. But, they didn't tell us that they were putting these products into the market, they just snuck them in. But other countries around the world weren't asleep and their press and public took action and blocked the use of these crops/products pending further scientific evaluation.

Corn is another crop that's largly GE these days in the States. It's hard to find any manufactured food items that don't contain corn or some corn-derivative. You have to look for products made overseas.

If you are interested in more info sign up for the Organic Consumers Association email newsletter -- http://www.organicconsumers.org

Too much information

I saw this site linked from another blog so I decided to try it out. You can get t-shirts printed up with a "word cloud", a dynamically generated image based on content from your blog.



I have to say that seeing it all laid out like that, and even thinking about the possibility of seeing it on a t-shirt, it makes me feel a bit glum. Not really fun stuff at all, and is it really worthwhile?

And It All Comes Rushing Back

Sick and twisted girl that I am, dropped by the records department for the hospital/clinic to see what I was missing so I wouldn't have to pay $20 for getting a whole lot of chicken scratch. I've got most of the information already and just wanted the bits that I was missing. Instead what happened was that I got to sit around with my file and relive the first miscarriage and my surgery. How I was able to stand w/o dizziness after the first d&c (they check this stuff for patient release post procedure); how I was "pleasant", walking around, or having "tea colored" urine after my surgery. All these details came into sharp focus in my mind again: the color of the tile floor, calling for help with the PCA pump, sitting on the toilet trying to pee and having nothing come out after they first took out the catheter and the anxious voices behind the door. All the little notes they made, the nurses and doctors and patholgist too, and I felt like I was swimming in memories that my mind had put away for safe keeping, or rather to protect me from them. While I walked quickly and confidently to the office building after work, after picking through the file I left in a daze. And even more frustrating is that there isn't really any good information to be had from my second m/c. There was no pathology done, just blood work and some scans. I felt partly like there might be answers in that thick file and partly that it was sad that there weren't.

On the way home I dropped by to visit my friend, the one who was close to divorce a few months ago (and had a miscarriage a year ago). She's been diagnosed as bi-polar and is on lithium now. She's having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the meds and finally some of the mania she was experiencing is starting to dissolve and so she can remember things a little clearer. We talked a bit about how crazy it was that it was four years later and I was still talking about TTC. For now babymaking plans are totally on hold until they figure out which end is up.

Baby Steps

I bit the bullet today and scheduled an initial consult with my RE (the RE who did my surgery and helped me through 1-1/2 miscarriages). We're going to see if we can stick with her, recognizing her limitations but also the leverage we have with her and her staff.

I set up an initial consult with her since we never had one with her. I just ended up in her care after my previous RE left the clinic and trusted her with my surgery and that's where it was left off. I sort of feel like let's start over with all this and see where that gets us. Yes, I have lots of information and opinions but we also want to know her take.

I think I mentioned before, but the plan that was laid out for us by more then one RE was:

1. Have surgery to remove fibroid
2. After healing (3 months), try on our own for three cycles or so
3. If not pg then move onto Clomid/IUI for three cycles
4. If not pg then consider moving onto IVF (possibly with ICSI -- though with the SPA test his sperm performed really well so this shouldn't be an issue)

We were going to do a trial of Clomid/IUI in July '04 but then got pg and had the firsst m/c. Then we started TTC again after my surgery and retained tissue experience in Feb '05 only to get pg the third cycle and then lose that one as well. It's like we never get to go to the next step. Sharing it with you guys just reminds me of the feeling I had with each loss that maybe God was trying to tell me something -- it's so hard to know that though.

My appointment is scheduled for February 14th - Valentine's Day. I know that's a bit of a downer but at the same time it fits in really perfectly with my cycle -- so if we don't get pg this cycle (and chances are we won't based on our past lack of success) then AF is due right about then and there will be time to either get right into a Clomid cycle or do the HCG or both. There's a chance we might change the appt so to not ruin v-day but for now that's where it stands.

I also just set up a time to review my medical records so I can pick out the sections that I need for my files, which can supplements the ones I already have so I can transfer the files to my RE's new clinic.

One step at a time, right?

Sometimes a pregnancy goes by like a vapor

Today was my EDD for my second pregnancy. I know two other online gals who had that due date -- one is in labor today (how perfectly on time!) and I've not caught up on the details of the other gal.

What helped me last year with the EDD of my first loss was to consider the week before to be a time to help come to closure about it. I was sort of forced to do it by the birth of my niece that same week -- based on advice from women online I bit the bullet and went to see her on the day she was born at the hospital. Yeah I cried a little too but I feel like I was able to change my perspective a little.

Since my surgery would have required me to deliver by c-section early, the second baby would have already arrived so in that sense there is no date for it really, it just would be here already. I don't have time to take off from work right now so I'm just trying to find some resolution about it.

Now, my niece's first birthday in a couple weeks might be more difficult (I still have some tension when I'm around her) but whatcha gonna do.

For all my stocism thought I'm still feeling a bit mucky about it. But it's been a long time since I was pregnant though so how could I really feel it, it's not like I was physically about to have a baby today. And from visiting with my niece yesterday, it's not like I know anything about the minutes/hours/days/weeks/months of attention that it has taken to get her to this point where she is taking her first steps. My past year (and then some) have been about a different journey.