Saturday, July 02, 2005

A summer of last hurrahs

So last night I went out drinking and dancing with friends. I let my hair down, got all girlied up and boogied. It was a lot of fun. If I was pregnant or had a kid already then hanging out until 2 am would not really be an option. But since I'm not, I can have one last hurrah, actually a summer of last hurrahs. No babysitters for me, I can just throw on a cute, sexy outfit and hit the town.

It's really rather amazing. It's like getting that card in monopoly where you get to go ahead and get $200. I'm going to take it for the gift it is.

We're also thinking of going to Barcelona in September for 10 days. That would be so awesome. I'm going to help make it happen.

I'm still spotting a little but physically I'm feeling pretty okay. No big emotional stuff lurking or anything, I think it all went out the window during my dragon treatment on Thursday.

I'm off camping for the weekend. I hope you have a nice one too. Don't forget to celebrate what you do have.

Thursday, June 30, 2005


I had acupuncture this morning and after reviewing more about my history (emotional as well as physical) she said she would like to try an acupuncture treatment called a Dragon treatment. It comes from Japan she told me and the points don't make sense in a traditional channel sense but they seem to unlock where we hold onto grief in the body. She wanted to clear out the grief from my body. I told her aside from the early weeks after this BFP where my mood lifted, that I had sadness for the better part of the past year.

She told me to ask my body to let it go, ask my mind to not fight it and if I could, to ask a higher power for help.The needle points were at the crown of my head, two just below my neck on either side of my spine, two in my lower back and two in my ankles. Then she opened the window and told me that was a part of the treatment.

She left the room and I started weeping. I lay face down on the treatment table and the room was silent. Everything was running, tears and my nose. I cried for having this happen to me. For my dead babies. For not being pregnant now. For having two, my twin angels, due within three weeks of one another. For both times being able to start planning for what was to come in my life and then to have it dashed away. I asked God to help me. Not in any particular way. Just to help me. I thought of the footprints in the sand. I thought about how my partner doesn't want to think of them as dead babies. I thought of how I had all the gushing surprise and expectancy last time though the baby seemed less real to me. This time I felt less gushing but since my fibroid was gone I felt more like there woudl be a baby at the end. I cried for having to manage my pregnancies and fertility to this degree. I didn't blame anyone though.

Next she will have me take an herbal formula but the one she wanted originally wasn't in the office so she wanted some more time to review my case and then try to come up with something that's a good fit. We're going to try to clear out any remaining stagnation from my abdomen, any blood stasis, etc. My tongue shows signs of digestive issues, I feel that as well. I'll be eating more blood building foods going forward, redoubling my efforts.

I can breathe a little better now.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

doing better.

My hives went away after I left the office early yesterday afternoon. I guess all that repressed emotion had to come out somewhere. I picked up some Rescue Remedy at the natural health store and had some when I got home.

I didn't feel like cooking at all. I put some potatoes on the stove to boil and finally my partner agreed that he would cook if I would please doing some painting, we're finishing some renovations at home. So I painted and thought about Scarlett and Lisa and wondered how she was doing. (I know her in passing). We ate dinner and my appetite had come back finally so that was a good sign. I had a little bit of a hard time going to sleep again last night but nothing the lavendar eye mask and some ear plugs couldn't fix. My nervous system has been a little overstimulated lately plus all these hormonal changes ya know?)

I'm still spotting lightly and having light cramps but mostly things are settling down a bit. I took one of my fertility monitor tests this morning and both lines came up so I've still got some good beta going in my system (LH predictors will show up positive as well for beta HCG in case you didn't know).

I'm glad I don't feel like hell and hopefully I can just start looking forward to our next try. The best try ever.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Last night I was so tired and not hungry. I ate a small dinner my partner cooked for me (he's trying so hard) and then after a while I was exhausted and went to bed at 9:00pm. I was emotionally exhausted and completed uncomfortable. I was having cramps and feeling awful in no particular way. I used a hot water bottle because I was so freezing and couldn't get warm. I used my lavendar eye mask for a while but then I started crying. Eventually I passed out asleep and had weird dreams. I dreamt about my sister and a doberman and Christmas at my parents and the Girl Scout house where I grew up with my two employees who just quit doing a religious ceremony. I woke up this morning covered in sweat and it's cold here (60 degrees).

I have a cough and post nasal drip today. I've got hives on my face, neck and shoulders that are itching me. My eyes feel a bit puffy and coming in to work I kept getting misty.

I am grief.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Just to give you a little "aww..." moment I came across this article and thought you might like it

(ignore the part about the pro-life people, it ruins the moment)
Here's a link to a site showing ultrasound images of retained POC (products of conception)

Spontaneous abortion - Retained products of conception

Here's a link which explains how to read ultrasound images of the uterus.

My scan today showed something in the upper part of the uterus but my RE said it wasn't there last time so it is likely just some clots. I sure hope so. I'm ready to be done now.
I had my scan this morning. I did indeed pass the gestational sac and whatever. There is still something higher up in my uterus and I'm feeling some cramping still today; my RE thought it might be some clots that I needed to pass. I'm not convinced but whatever it is I want it out of me.

I am tired and grouchy today, even before I went in for my scan. There was a slow driver in front of me as I went to park to go to the clinic and I yelled at her out of my open window to "Drive!" and she said "I'm driving". I thought to myself, "get out of my way so I can go and get a scan showing that my uterus is empty of my dead baby now," oh if that woman only knew.

They were behind schedule at the clinic and I did see the RE and not a nurse but it took a while. I read some magazines while in the operatory waiting with that paper thing across my lap. I read about how to redecorate your summer porch with wicker furniture and day beds. I also read about how some director of an upcoming Nicole Kidman movie (something called The Translator?) hates to direct. Or how this guy changes out his plants in his window boxes four times a year and they were showing how lovely the coleus was looking.

The RE asked me after my scan how I was doing and reminded me to come back in for a consult in a few weeks. She was trying to be nice but I wanted to not be having this experience, not to have people wondering how I'm holding up or feeling bad for me.

How do I feel? I feel like crap still and I wish someone would come cook for me. The house is a mess and I need cleaning help. My ovaries ache, I have those cramps, I feel like crying and I hate all the women who are pregnant now and didn't have to experience yet another scan showing that their pregnancy didn't develop right. I want to pretend that none of this happened. I don't want to have doctors and acupuncturists hoving over me this next time but I believe that I'll need it in order to actually do this pregnancy thing. My partner says that he's glad that I'm not all big and pregnant and that he gets to hang out with me for a while longer. We're going camping next weekend and I can't wait. I need to get the f*ck out of here.

Acupuncture & Traditional
Chinese Medicine Links (TCM) Related to Fertility

These are a selection of links a TCM buddy group I'm on helped compile over the past two years. I want to thank everyone who contributed to this list. I'm only posting them here in the hopes that they might offer assistance to others dealing with infertility.

Chinese Medicine Sampler
The Institute of Classical Five-Element Acupuncture
Internal Healers - TCM Diagnosis and Treatment
Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) Foundations and Philosophy
The Three Treasures and Women's Treasure
Yin Yang House
The Five Stagnations: The Mother of all Diseases
NCCAOM Practioner Directory

Tongue Diagnosis
TCM Acupuncture Theory - Tongue Diagnosis
The Significance of Traditional Pulse Diagnosis
TCM Acupuncture Theory - Pulse Diagnosis

Fertility Retreats Diet Info
Traditional Chinese Medicine Nutrition Theory and Applications in Dietary Therapy
Chinese dietetic therapy
Food Therapy
Chinese Dietary Therapy
Food Energetics
TCM Lifestyle/Nutrition and diet
Chinese dietary therapy
Diet suggestions for Blood Stasis
Diet suggestions for Excess Heat

Eastern Harmony Clinic - Medical Articles
Overview of Gynecology - Menstrual cycle in TCM
Acupuncture in Acupuncture in Gynecology and Obstetrics (PDF)
Pregnancy in Premature Ovarian Failure after Therapy Using Chinese Herbal Medicine (PDF)
Influence of acupuncture on the pregnancy rate in patients who undergo assisted reproduction therapy (PDF)
Acupuncture in Fertility Medicine (PDF)
Treatment of Female Infertility - A New Approach in Chinese Medicine (PDF)
Gauging a Woman's Health by Her Fertility Signals (PDF)
Various Menstrual Diseases
Li Dong-yuan's Gynecology

Crane Herb Symptom Search
IVF & Acupuncture
Honso Herbs
Forms of Qigong

Sunday, June 26, 2005

I passed a hunk of something this morning. I took a three mile slow walk (I'm am fairly blood deficient right due to the bleeding of the past week now so a fast walk was out of the questions) around the neighborhood last night and that must have done it. It wasn't anything exciting, it mostly looked like a large blood clot but it was denser and more formed than a blood clot. Maybe it was the placental tissue.

I'm going to go for another long walk today with the dog and hopefully whatever else is in there will clear out so my scan will show that I'm done. That would be great as my uterus can then heal and I can get my blood levels back to normal and soon enough we can get a little intimate (it's been a few weeks since we BD).