Saturday, July 10, 2004

I thought that you might be interested in this new research, I think it offers some solace for those who have miscarried.

Fetuses give mothers a gift of cells, study says
It's my birthday and I'm how I thought I would be, not in the mood for celebration. My great-aunt phoned from NY this AM at 6:50!!!! She's 95 so I won't fault her for that. I just don't want to talk to my family at all though. I did leave a message for my parents a little while ago, I haven't spoken to my mother since we found out about our B.O.

My partner's family was all here before, my little nephew too. And his sister-in-law, the one who is due in February. I feel numb around them kind of. The party tonight is going to be hard, I'll probably go hide in the attic or something. His mother and SIL did make all the food for the party yesterday so we didn't have to do anything which is really nice. I just wish I didn't feel this way.

Today I'm crying, at least right now I am. I guess I had to hold it in all week at work so I might as well let it out now while no one is around.

Friday, July 09, 2004

I dreamt last night that my uterus kept swelling on the non-fibroid side so that I had a large lump on one side of my abdomen. Since my gestational sac is still growing that might be the cause. I'm sooooo tired this morning, I think because I didn't have enough sleep last night. I'm due to call a client in 15 minutes to review a PowerPoint presentation -- I need to go review and see if I can come up with any intelligent questions and poignant things to say. Maybe I can send someone else out for coffee.

I'm getting my hair cut today for my birthday, I colored my hair last night -- just enough gray in my dark hair to make it noticeable and with the pg I was holding off coloring it. Now I have the opportunity to be pg and break all the rules -- I can eat soft ripened cheeses, clean the litter box (we don't have one but bear with me), travel internationally, not take my vitamins (although I probably should), eat sushi, dye my hair, eat junk food, drink coffee -- how about them benefits?

Thursday, July 08, 2004

The second u/s yesterday showed again just a big empty sac, that keeps growing. Actually the sac size matches almost to the day the length of my pregnancy. My RE is due to call me at work today to discuss my options. It is frustrating to be pregnant but not -- you want to be either not trying and not pg, pregnant with a healthy baby or trying. This is purgatory.

The prospect of a d&c (dust & clean I saw someone refer to it as) kinda freaks me out

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

I had my follow up u/s this morning and my gestational sac now looks like an hourglass and the doc couldn't rule out that there wasn't anything growing at the top side of that hourglass (farthest from the u/s vaginal probe). He said it is possible that it is just the mild calcification in my fibroid that could be bounding the sound echos around. My fibroid may be the thing that is squashing the sac in the middle like that. Still there is no reason to believe that my fibroid has anything to do with the apparent lack of an embryo inside of me.

Just to be sure my RE has me going for a high-end u/s series (abdominal and vaginal both) in radiology this afternoon.

My partner was so sweet in that he wanted to come to the appointments with me, both for moral support and to see what is going on. Aside from that thought, it is amazing to see the extremes he has gone from "it was too soon for us anyway" to "it was mine too and you have to let me deal with this as well". Just as paradoxical as the infertility discussions so many of us have had with our partners. Me I wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV all weekend and just grieve, he on the other hand went on a cleaning mission both inside and outside the house -- probably to take his mind off of things.

We were totally at each other over the weekend we were both so stressed by the news from last week's u/s. He wasn't listening to me and that was really getting on my nerves. No, it wasn't like I was asking him to put the laundry in and he wasn't listening, this was more like I'm not sure we should have 50 people over on Saturday for our birthday party because I don't know how I'm going to be emotionally. We're working past it.

PG loss isn't something that is easy to take at all. I hope that you are spared from this experience but it can and does happen.

Still let's keep our fingers crossed for this afternoon's u/s results.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

I haven't posted here so much in a while, I was off of NPC (natural progesterone cream) for a while during my acupuncture treatment for my uterine fibroid. I did have a positive pregnancy though and my RE had me use progesterone suppositories. Last week I found out that we have a blighted ovum so I stopped using the progesterone. I thought I would add my experiences with being on it and off of it in higher doses just to help add to the information pool.

The week I found out I was pg, several days after AF was due I was having a lot of light contractions in my pelvis. My progesterone tested at 18.4 ng/ml at 18dpo (I think it was). I used my Emerita for a few days until the Rx was filled (prescription was lost at first - argh!) and that helped keep the cramps under control.

I started using the suppositories (50mg) as directed, twice a day when going to bed and before I got up in the morning; about 20 mins before I was advised by the nurse and I shouldn't worry about it after that since that was about all my body would absorb so she had heard from the pharmacist. Vaginal progesterone suppositories aren't fun, they melted for hours and added to the discharge so I had to wear a pantyliner at least and they might still leak onto underwear and clothing.

I thought my pg symptoms were really crazy how strong they were -- sore, sore breasts, bloated belly, mood swings, my head felt like it was full of cotton, nausea daily (mostly felt like motion sickness coming on)... Now that I'm off the progesterone I have to say that I feel sooo much better and more like myself. I haven't had any cramping really since I've been off the suppositories, my breasts are still sensitive but not quite so "punchy", and my belly is more normal.

I stopped using the progesterone cold turkey in the hopes that it would help my body realize that the pg wasn't progressing but no such luck. My temps are still up in the AM (around 98.6), no sign of anything vaguely looking like spotting or cramping.

My fibroid feels enlarged but until my uterus isn't swollen by the pg anymore I can't tell really about any growth. I didn't have any constipation problems from being on that much progesterone, actually after I stopped it my digestive system was totally blocked feeling and it's taken every diet trick in the book to get things moving again (sorry if TMI).

So, my experience with higher doses than we use for topical treatment is that progesterone is really strong stuff. (and don't put it anywhere near your breasts as I learned months ago, that will make them blow up like balloons and hurt like the dickens -- although I had the same reaction with the higher dose suppositories).
I'm doing okay. Feeling majorly blocked in this weird way and I am having strange dreams like military or police taking me away because I'm in this odd status of pregnant/not pregnant. Last night was one after another dreams about trying to get the pregnancy tissue out of me. I have a follow up appointment with my RE tomorrow AM to see what's up.

Stopping the progesterone, plus the emotional upset has really messed up my digestion. I don't have a major loss of appetite but when I do eat I can only eat a half portion before I feel horrible. I've also been horribly constipated, which I wasn't before stopping the progesterone. My breasts are still sore but not as over the top large as they were with the progesterone. That progesterone is really strong stuff, it made me feel like I was in a haze, contributed to bloating, heightened my mood swings -- not fun stuff. I'm glad to be off of it.