Saturday, August 26, 2006

Feeling a little more real

Hearing the heartbeat the other day really helped make it feel more normal now, like if this subtle check of the heartbeat can happen so easily then the kid must be doing pretty well in there.

My partner and I were talking, it is pretty amazing when you consider that this pregnancy is happening after:

Vasectomy in 1994
Vas Reversal in 1998
Fibroid dx 2002
Miscarriage 2004
Fibroid surgery (myomectomy) 2004
Miscarriage 2005

And all without doing the whole Clomid/Follistim/IUI/IVF/ICSI plan that four REs laid out for us. When I see my online friends and acquantainces and all the things they have tried it does seem a bit odd that we just used acupuncture, herbs, supplements, lifestyle changes -- plus our surgeries -- to get this party going.

Yes it took a long time. Yes it was emotionally grueling. but somehow taking more aggressive action seemed like trying to force it and we didn't want that. When you factor in those basic statistics (which may or may not be accurate) that post vas reversal your chances of success are 50% and after a myomectomy they are also about 50% then which percentage was left for this kid to happen?

I always felt that somewhere in the statistics there was a place for me, and I tended to think that perhaps I was in the minority but that didn't mean that things couldn't happen for us. I know that we approached the entire situation differently than many others did, but we knew from the start of our relationship that our chances might be compromised due to the vasectomy. I think that same fact made my miscarriages harder to deal with -- how can you have success and no success at the same time. How can you feel like you have proved your fertilty and still walked away without a baby?

My parents returned home Thursday night. I was nice having them here and getting to talk and share the pregnancy with them. I'm not really able to do that with too many people, other than online yet. I'll save that for another post.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The sounds

pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish bonk PWISH PWISH PWISH pwish pwish pwish PWISH PWISH PWISH bonk pwish pwish

Kinda like that when the doctor put the doppler to my belly at my OB appointment this afternoon. The heartbeat sounded fairly swishy and sometimes it would get louder and sometimes quieter, as the baby would move around. The bonks were when the baby was crashing into me I guess. My partner was fascinated, he concentrated so much on that sound. He's a musician outside of work, and so that was right up his alley. He said he would like to sample the sound, though of course he didn't bring a recorder.

When I showed up they showed me "the routine". I have to go check in, then pee in a cup and put a little test strip in to check for glucose and protein (mine were just about perfectly negative -- just a hair off in shade for protein). I then get weighed and I was pleased to see that I've only gained 2 pounds since my last appointment, so I'm up around 10 pounds total, but I'm not absolutely sure what my weight was pre-pregnancy as I don't have a scale.

The doppler is interesting, just a little battery operated dohickie. I just had to lay back and give my doc access to my lower belly. He saw my bikini scar from my myo for the first time. I didn't need to strip from the waist down or anything. The heartbeat came up right away. My doctor was suitably pleased; it's nice how keen he is on having this go well for us.

I got my ferritin checked as well, and should have those results in a few days I hope. My doc asked me if there was anything else I wanted to get checked while we were at it, but that was all that really needed checking.

My doc said he would show me where my uterus was and I assured him that I knew exactly where it was. I guess I got familiar with it, having that large fibroid in there. In case you are interested, this site, about halfway down the page, has a couple tables showing fibroid sizes in comparison to fruit and pregnant versus non-pregnant uterus sizes:

My next appointment is in a month and they will check fetal measurements during a more detailed ultrasound. After that I'll have a regular check up.

Monday, August 21, 2006

More about my shopping trip

I went shopping with my mother at a maternity shop on Saturday. I can't deal with shopping normally and maternity shopping I don't find all that fun. I work with a lot of guys and then there's our complicated history -- so its not like I'm dying to share the news. So while I'm there, looking for things that will help me out over the next couple of months at least, I ran into someone I know who had previously, quite adamantly told me she never wanted kids. She was 20 weeks along. She tried for a year and then got assistance she said -- probably clomid or something. I mentioned that I hadn't told anyone (outside of the people I told early on) and then elaborated that after 4 years of trying and two miscarriages (not to mention, which I didn't, the fibroid surgery and vasectomy reversal) it wasn't something that felt like an easy thing for me. I said it loud enough and I swear everyone in that boutique got quiet for a second and the clerk looked at me. Yes, I said the bad word in a maternity shop. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage.

It still feels all unreal and tenuous for me. I know I have no control over it, I just have to go along for the ride. It's weird to think that there's something inside of me -- but then I have my next OB appt tomorrow and I worry that something won't be right. And then when I think about February and having to take care of the creature that comes from within me -- all the time(!) I think that maybe I had no business getting pg in the first place. Sigh.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Still Not Out

I still haven't told anyone at work about my pregnancy but I'm now 14 weeks. It's going to be hard to keep it from people much longer but I really don't feel like telling.

My mother is in town visiting me and she asked me when I was going to tell my staff and I said perhaps not at all. Can't they just figure it out on their own?

I feel like my emotional history with fertility is so loaded that people trivially saying "congratulations" to me is just so not even on the mark.

My mother and I went shopping today and got me a few more things to wear. I now have a new long sleeve tee, stretch corderoy with a demi band skirt, brown maternity dress and maternity black jacket that is suitable for work. The jacket has zipped up darts in the front that can be opened to provide more belly coverage later on. So add those to one pair of demi panel jeans from the gap and my bigger undies and it's a start of a new wardrobe that will keep me from going naked.

It's weird how I keep moving through my closet and eliminating things as they just don't fit any more. My favorite corderoy jean jacket that's all cropped and fitted can't be buttoned any longer -- mostly due to the new larger rack I'm carrying for instance. Another Ann Taylor top that I really like is now poised for the storage closet as the "girls" were busting out the other day. Either that or else I need to become less of a prude. At least my socks still fit.