Saturday, July 01, 2006

Factor v Leiden & Pregnancy

I gathered these links this morning for my friend Bridget who just found out she was pregnant again. She's got this blood clotting disorder which is one factor in her having had three miscarriages since December 2004.

Bridget and I met up in Chicago in November when we just needed time to vent about our losses and hang out talking about it without judgement. We shared a hotel room and had a great time. I only knew her online before that. Other loss gals, you might want to try it -- it was an amazing experience and we're even stronger friends because of it.

Factor V Leiden and recurrent miscarriage—prospective outcome of untreated pregnancies

The effect of factor V Leiden carriage on maternal and fetal health

Gestational outcome in thrombophilic women with recurrent pregnancy loss treated by enoxaparin.

Enoxaparin ( e-nox-a-PA-rin) is the generic name of Lovenox

Pregnancy, Clotting, and Factor V Leiden: An Overview

FVL-PG · Factor V Leiden and Pregnancy Issues (Yahoo Group)

Anticoagulation Forum -- click on the link on the left labelled Clinic Locations to find anticoagulation specialists in your area.
So I'm up early for the second day in a row. This time because my digestion is slow and my body is uncomfortable about it. Hopefully that will rectify itself later this morning.

I haven't posted much this week, I almost have felt like there wasn't too much to say after the shock of seeing the h/b on Tuesday. I'm relieved that so far there is nothing to grieve but I'm so tired right now and still trying to keep it together with stuff at work (yes we sooo need to hire more staff) that it's almost nice just to have a bit of a break from my previous pg experiences.

I'm amazed that we got this far, that each test and check so far has been stronger and more advanced than our previous experiences with pregnancy. I don't know what to think.

I have noticed that I look at babies a little more when I see them about, perhaps not more than before but now with a new lens. Still though, I feel this ambivalence about it. Motherhood seems a far way off and a far cry from my reality thus far.

I've allowed myself to think about the fact that we might end up with a baby here and there. And the other day while walking around I realized for a moment that I had let a little love for my embie grow. But just a little teeny bit. I check in on my embie energetically now and then and I feel like it tells me it is busy, too busy to engage with me right now.

I did go shopping this week to try to get some more clothing items that would help mask my transitional figure. Yes it is early but I mostly have fitted clothes and already my body has changed itself. I bought a stretch cotton twill skirt on sale, a sports bra in a size larger (that was nice to wear yesterday), a few tanks and a top also on sale. Nothing extravagent as thing will likely continue to change. I've only ever experienced pregnancy through about 11 weeks (the first one) and who knows what this hormone packed current experience will hold in store for me.

I've been dealing with growing bouts of nausea, some headaches, fatigue, slowed digestion, food cravings/aversion, dryer skin in some places and oiler skin elsewhere.

The housekeeping has fallen by the wayside a bit -- I think I am really going to have to hire someone to come and help us out. Between this pregnancy experience and my partner having so much work it's just not all being kept up.

So anyway, I'm doing okay. I hate when people tell me congratulations (except for present company of course) and I'm hoping that our next ultrasound on Thursday shows a lot of growth. Please, please, please?

Oh, and last but not least I wanted to let you know that two of my favorite TTC buddies online just found out they were knocked this week as well. Please send Bridget and Yolie lots of prayers.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

How My Scan Went

So I show up at the OB's office to check in and the reception person doesn't have me on the schedule. She tells me that she has me down for two weeks from now. She tells me to have a seat. I sit there stressed out and miserable until she calls me back. I wasn't there for a prenatal (even though they told me when I made the appt that it was) but for a viability check. Then she told me to sit down again.

So I sit there, waiting for my partner to come up from getting a cup of coffee and that word keeps running through my head -- a viability check. Viability. Not Viable. Which is it going to be? I have viability checks because my pregnancies haven't been viable. And it makes me sad, and makes me feel abnormal, somehow less than. Then I think that maybe I should have just waited to find out, pretending that this was a normal pregnancy, but then I remember how hard it is waiting and not knowing and that I'm just looking for a little resolution right now.

Finally the nurse calls me to come in, so my partner and I walk into the ultrasound suite. She takes my blood pressure and asks me the date of my last menstrual period -- which was already written down from my last visit. I even brought a copy of my Ovusoft chart from this cycle but they aren't used to reading those I guess.

I get undressed from the waist down, and talk to my partner. He said that if it was good that was good and if it was nothing again then it was okay because we could just go on living our lives as they were. I told him that my preference was that something was growing in there because then we could just hire people to replace me at work -- having another loss would be too hard as too many people are relying on me right now. He's dithering between wanting to watch the scan in the hopes that something is growing in there -- a heartbeat even - versus just waiting outside just in case it is another empty sac. In the end he just stayed put, particularly after I said -- don't you want to be here for me?

So the doc comes in and inserts the transvaginal u/s wand up my hooha-- the magic wand which will let us know our future. And then what comes up on the screen is this:

Yes, there is something in there. There are two blobs on top of each other, the top one is the yolk sac and the bottom one that is whiter is the embryo. We saw its little heart beating, just the tiniest little flicker. Based on conception date I'm 6w1d pregnant and the embryo measured at 6w0d -- so right where it is supposed to be.

[updated to add: I think you can see Twyla Twerp in the scan, right smack in the middle of the image -- the gestational sac is sort of pointing at a grayish white blob that looks a bit distinct from the rest of the uterus. If I'm right it looks like the gestational sac is already bigger than that which is great.]

I'm feeling a little emotional right now. This morning was stressful. But, we just crossed the second hurdle in the race to having a baby -- the first is just getting pregnant, the second is seeing that there is something growing in there. Weird huh?

My doc said to come back in next week for another scan, and then my first prenatal was scheduled for about a month from now. What? I might be having a baby for real?

Monday, June 26, 2006

My last few hours of blissful ignorance

It's time for me to get ready for bed, but that means when I wake up it will be time for me to go to the doctor to see what lies in store for me.

It's like that TV show from the 70s -- Let's Make a Deal. That was the one where the contestents got to pick which door they wanted and behind it was some prize of some sort. I swear there was also a part where they could climb up a pile of wrapped presents and pick one, not knowing what it contained. Actually, I'm sort of like that.

I like the idea of a gift, somewhat even more than what it contains. In example, when I was 8 I woke up on Christmas morning at 2am (just after my parents had gone to sleep BTW) and being scared of the dark I woke my brother to see if there were presents (my brother having told me the truth about Santa a couple of weeks before). We went downstairs and the living room was piled with presents. I was just so amazed and full of joy at the look of it. I told my brother that we had to get back to bed and we could open them in the morning. Not but 5 minutes after we went back upstairs I heard the sound of wrapping paper tearing back downstairs -- he had gone back down and was opening like a madman. It made me sad, I sort of liked just that pause, the not knowing, the potential, the moment that it was.

I don't know what's behind door number 1 or 2 or any other door. I'm just taking in my last few moments with my wrapped present.


I felt better yesterday and this morning I'm feeling pretty good, though I need to go eat something pretty quick. Saturday was really awful though, not sure why my body was having such a hard time.

I find that the EDDs bother me more than the dates of my losses, since for each of my failed pregnancies the process of finding out I lost them and then the subsequent resolution covered so many days (July 1-Nov 5 with my first loss; June 9-26 with the second). If this pg works out it will be right smack in the middle of the other two EDDs and if it doesn't work out, well let's just say the end of January and the beginnning of February will definately not be a happy time for me.

I had a dream this morning about my appt tomorrow morning. In it my doctor and his assistant were checking stuff out but I never saw the images and they never said "there it is" and it was all vague and I was bothered and a bit anxious about it and I wanted numbers -- how thick was my lining, where was the baby, etc. And then I woke up and remembered that it was just a day away and I thought to myself, maybe if I can just get an answer.

I'm feeling queasy today actually, and its not going away. I think I need to go take a walk.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Phew, less bloated today

I felt so much better today; it was amazing the difference. Still lots of boob pain and cravings though -- so I'm going to stick with those as good signs.

Still when things feel quiet in my system right now I just start to think that it's just a matter of days before it is all over again. When people ask me what I think about whether this one is a keeper or not IRL I tell them I just don't know. I really don't know. What does a keeper feel like exactly?

Less than a day and a half until reckoning. Sigh.