Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The blood runs down
over my knees and ankles
large splashes of angry color
and mean pains.
The pool of crimson grows and grows
until it covers the earth;
there is nothing left in me,
I drown the world.
I am a flower pot that holds no soil
I poured out of me, so much
that which was meant to grow.
It all goes away and takes me;
there is less and even less of me;
a deficit really.
Call it hope if you must,
but to me it just feels like
I've been turned inside out.
Each baby is stolen from me
who are these witches?
They sneak up on you, like the fairies
and steal the babies
and not just their breath
like the cats can do.
They leave me empty and the emptiness only grows.

Or do they chase them away from me,
just as they were getting settled
like little birds flying in the November sky.
When I think of it
I made space in my life for
your coming, so many months.
You came, both of you
like fleeting sparks
Was that all?

In time
I can find a place
for the things I gathered to
welcome and warm you to the world
but never will there be
another place for
the indelible impression
you have left on my being.
There are grooves
running through me
like marks of a dogs teeth
on my bones
never totally healed

Memory remains in strands
of my hair, in my nails
the crevices on the back of my hands.

A little more worn, a little tired.

Infertility/Miscarriage Grief and the Holidays

I've been still going through a lot emotionally right now -- I don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore, and just the morning I realized that knowing that I was going to be around family (my partner's family) this weekend was really starting to stress me out. I don't really know if he told them or not about our second loss (I keep getting vague answers so it makes me think no) and I don't like feeling like there might be comments made about our fertility -- when I'm trying so hard to deal with the stress of the infertility as it is. Ya know?

I found a few links that I thought might be of help, we should all take time to read them and make sure we are doing what we can to protect and prepare ourselves as we go through the next few weeks.

Managing the holidays

What Can I Do to Get Through the Holidays?

Coping with the Holidays (RESOLVE)

Dealing with Infertility in the Holiday Season

Dealing with the holidays after a miscarriage

When Grief Comes Home for the Holidays

Silent Grief - lots of articles, though I didn't see any ones specifically about the holidays.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The short list of things to rule out

Still working on taking my break. Aside from marking down my period on my charting program and taking my first temp of the cycle (just to make sure it dropped appropriately) I haven't been charting or temping this cycle. Feels a little liberating.

I was talking to my partner the other day, and I told him that I feel as though there is something fundamentally wrong with our fertility -- though I don't know what it is. I see gals with fibroids getting pregnant on enough boards to know that fibroids alone aren't necessarily the only thing that causes infertility, though I know enough post myo gals to know that lots of them are having similar experiences to mine as well.

I've probably done this before but here's my list of things that might be possibly impacting our fertility without going out on too much of a tangent.

Anemia - low ferritin
Low Progesterone
SCSA - sperm DNA fragmentation
Repeat semen analysis (#8?)

I don't want to go in for a consult right now as that would make me cry and I'm trying to not put myself in situations like that right now. I called over to my favorite assistant at the RE's office and asked her to see about my getting my ferritin rechecked (since all evidence I've found online indicates that a level less than 40 can impair fertility) and a pooled progesterone test.

I can get the ferritin done at a lab, totally innocuous and generic place that I've been to before -- I think that will be less emotionally loaded for me. As it turns out the lab is way faster than the hospital lab was the last time I had it checked. I've heard that you can get your blood work done whereever -- and particularly for standard tests, as many hospitals and clinics are sending their lab work out of state because it's better for them, you as the patient might want to intervene and make sure that those cost-savings are yours or at least you are getting the benefit of the quick local turn-around. My ferritin test in July took about 3 weeks to get back. This lab can get it within a day or so -- they run the ferritin tests daily.

Then the pooled progesterone test, the assistant told me that my RE said that she didn't think that a pooled progesterone test was indicated by our infertility but that if I wanted to do it she would order it. I explained to the assistant that I had seen other REs, specifically as my first RE left the state, and that one RE in particular thought that I would need progesterone support on any cycle I was to conceive and that all of my progesterone tests had been on the low side. She said that was why working with more than one RE was difficult as they would of course have differing opinions. Still, I was welcome to do it if I felt like it would be helpful to me -- and evidently the other RE working in the same practice as my RE does do them frequently. I told the assistant that I would probably wait until the new year but at least I've gotten that sorted out.

So, I've got an RE not on the up and up with progesterone -- or rather definately not in the progesterone camp. Is that enough to consider working with someone else? Or should I just stick with her and just demand the care that would make me feel more secure -- particularly if I get pregnant again -- such as weekly progesterone draws until I'm out of the danger zone? Why does it have to be this difficult?

Then for all my spinning of wheels, it might not be me, it could still be the poor sperm morphology that's challenging things. Ugh, but with all that blood loss last June from the last miscarriage and how awful I felt subsequently, plus a couple of cycles that don't make sense (did something happen but not take hold?) I should at least rule out the impact my anemia might be having.