I only cried a little

I went in for my blood draw this morning, to check for beta and progesterone again. I had to wait even though I had an appointment with the phlebotomist (grumble). Sheesh, it's just a blood draw.

Afterwards I went to the reception to see about scheduling my ultrasound. The woman doesn't really know about loss I could tell. Whatever. She pulled out her pregnancy wheel and was trying to figure out where between 8-10 weeks was when I again reminded her that I had more than one early loss and that we were going to need to come in the week after next. She got it then, so she started throwing out appointment times. First thing in the morning? Might as well ruin the whole day I replied. I had to call my partner to see what his schedule was like since Tuesdays are usually bad for him but luckily his client is out that day so he's able to do it.

I started to tear up as we confirmed the time and when I asked what would happen next after that if everything was going well. She said that the appt a week from Tuesday would be considered my first prenatal and then they would see me again in a month, unless my doc wanted to do something different. In my head all I could think was that I needed to prepare myself for another bad scan. In the span of a couple of seconds all that horror of the bad scans from my last two pregnancies came back. I told the woman at the reception that I was having a hard time convincing myself that everything was going to be okay. More tears welled up as I walked down the hall, though I didn't outright cry.

I feel bad now, sort of emotionally strained. Why do I have to feel this way. Couldn't I just ignore this pregnancy and just pretend that nothing is happening. My partner wants to do the scan and really it should help us to not get too attached if there's nothing going on. It just hurts right now.

I'll let you know what my blood results are this afternoon.