Friday, June 03, 2005

I'm doing okay but feeling very emotional today. My mother had her surgery and it went well, the cancer hadn't spread at all.

I'm still holding my breath until we have a scan that shows that there is something actually growing in there and not just a blighted ovum like last time. As the day for the scan grows nearer I find myself getting more and more emotional and scared about it. I've been trying not to get my hopes up at all but instead I've been feeling a bit alone about it. I just feel like I've got awful PMS and maybe it will stick and maybe it won't but it's a really hard place to be in. So when you add that on top of the other stuff going on in my life I'm having a hard time not crying while writing right now.

And depending on what treatment my mother has I might not be able to see her, because radiation would make her radioactive and pg women and children (sometimes adults as well) are supposed to stay away.

Even if you get a BFP there is no solace and you don't necessarily feel like you have accomplished anything other than a delayed AF.:(

Sunday, May 29, 2005

I slept in this camisole with a built in shelf bra and I woke up in the middle of the night with my breasts absolutely killing me so I yanked it off and went back to bed. I've decided to go bra-less today which has felt a lot better. It's easier to do when the weather is cooler since the layers will hide my enlarged pregnant nipples better. They aren't grossly enlarged but still I like to leave a little more to the imagination when walking about, ya know?

My mother-in-law is in town for the weekend and so we've been around family more. That's all been fine but the key things are to avoid getting into discussions about my fertility since I don't want to outright lie about my pregnancy but we don't want to share about it either, and also to not give away any signs that something is up. The 2-3 hour naps I like to take now, my big boobs and my bloated belly are all things that we need to distract them from. So far so good (knock on wood).

I haven't mentioned it here yet, but at the end of the week when we found out we were expecting my mother called to let me know that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's really small and only in one breast and they caught it early but she'll be having surgery this coming Friday. Why is it that life has to send a good with a bad, it's almost like there was this trade-off that happened in the negotiations and it was decided that I could get pregnant but that something else bad had to happen in my life. Sigh. My mother and I haven't been getting along very well for a year now and still I'm making a better effort to call her and the like. She's loving the extra attention. We decided not to tell her about the pregnancy since she didn't deal well with my loss last year, not helpful to me and I think it brought back unresolved memories of her own losses. Better to wait until there really is good news.

Only 10 days until our ultrasound. My partner took the day off from work. I keep saying to myself over and over "Please God. Please God. Please God..."