Saturday, August 28, 2004

In His Grace

In His grace.
Something important in store for me.
My closest hour.

The watch wheels spin slowly
the sky turns electric blue, or turquoise
a color really that no words can hold.

The pineapple and the family tree
take sudden shape
from here springs all life.

In the rays of sun, from my front porch
I could touch the stars.
It is completely silent and
the world around me has turned
vivid warm shades.
I catch my breath and pull closer,
the heat penetrates me.
I need to be in the light;
indoors I feel a chill across my skin,
it creeps and is unfriendly.
I go into the light.

I decide that Joan of Arc
had a miscarriage and that was why
they killed her.
And Morrissey, he doesn't actually like
he just tells people that so when
they come at him with flowers
it just reminds him of the fact
that they don't know him at all.
How clever he is.

I tried laying in the bed, on the cloth sheets
settling down, taking a rest
surely I had something to do with it.
I turn, I bend, I contort.
There is no relief.
Please let it stop.

I drink red wine and eat chocolate;
chocolate might be able to keep the pain at bay.
I make tea, hot passionflower tea,
so named in memory of Jesus's crown of thorns.
The tea is soothing some and the pain calms for
a couple of hours.

The doctor said take ibuprofen
was he kidding me?
It is like my uterus is trying to rub itself clean.
Pain radiates from below my ribcage
half way down my thighs.
That is more than half my body mass I think.
More wine, I need more wine
and heat, but I'm not allowed to bathe.
A hot water bottle, a red rubber vessel,
becomes my most prized possesion
filled to the top with hot water.

I breathe deeply,
isn't that what women do?
But breathing is for putting out babies
and there is no baby here
just a cruel test drive
a fire drill
an exception.

Except that God wants me close
closer than ever before; he needs me
to be strong, so strong
I'm not strong enough.
But his rays wrap around me
the growing light and love
I'm not alone, why I'm not sure
and no, it wasn't so clear right then
but I'm sure of it now.

God's children die for our sins
and mine, yes mine too
but not any more than anyone else's
and my baby didn't even come
it wasn't time yet, not our time.
Will it be soon?

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