Crazy. I just got off the phone with my 95 year old aunt. My family is back East and I haven't really been in a good place to talk about what has happened with my pregnancy. I sent email and hoped that my parents could pick up the slack.

My aunt didn't know, somehow she missed the email. I think she was calling me because she was excited. She started telling me about the loss of her only child, stillborn, some 70 year ago. She also lost her husband, and her best friend died towards the end of her pregnancy -- all within the same year. I'd heard this story before but not from her. When we finished talking I could tell she was crying. I feel so terrible for her suffering, and for bringing back bad memories.

I'm having a bad day today so I stayed at home. I was dreaming about the d&c scheduled for Monday and I woke up feeling very emotional and out of sorts. Monday my procedure is scheduled for noon, no food after midnight, only clear liquids until 5:30 AM or so and then I'll be on a fast. I can only imagine how crappy I will feel post procedure since I'll still have the HCG in my system -- and that seems to be what makes me puky/hungry all the time.

I don't know what to do except pray for all the lost babies and for their mothers.

I saw this posted on a couple other sites and thought you might be interested.

quote:

“Miscarriage Research Opportunity
Researchers at Women Care, an organization devoted to improving medical care for women, are conducting an exploratory study of women who have experienced a miscarriage. The purpose of the study is to identify what changes can be made by the medical professionals who care for women before, during, and after a miscarriage.

The researchers will be focusing on a woman's level of satisfaction with her healthcare providers and will also gather data on what options women were given, what information they received, and post-care treatment and follow-up.

Results from the study will further our understanding of the care extended to women during a miscarriage and will provide valuable information to the medical community as to the unique emotional and physical needs of their patients.

Study participants must be 18 years or older and have experienced a miscarriage (pregnancy loss before 20 weeks of gestation). Participants will complete a research questionnaire, which will either be emailed or mailed to them. The form will take 15-30 minutes to complete.

If you are interested in participating in this important new research please contact the research team at : womencare@pclink.com or Women Care, 224 Benton Avenue, Wayzata, Minnesota, 55391.

Thank you in advance for your participation in this critical study.”

I had the option of scheduling the d&c with the other doc this week but I've never seen her and I really like my RE. He's out of town this week. With a "missed abortion" it can take until weeks 10-16 for the body to recognize that the pg isn't happening I understand. For some women that won't happen at all and their bodies just keep increasing the production of HCG.

No, I don't have any signs that anything is subsiding, it is a little tiring and the worst is that being around other pg people I think to myself "I'm pg too, but not with a baby" -- it is a little isolating.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to hire some painters to patch and paint our hallway/stairwell, dining room and living room. Our house is from 1906 and the walls need some repair. I would do it but my neck always goes into spasm if I do too much since I've had whiplash twice. I better start calling around today to start getting quotes. Hopefully I'll get pg again soon but I wouldn't want to be around the paint fumes in early pg so I better use this TTC break wisely.

I asked my partner yesterday and he said that he did want to start trying again as soon as we're able to. My goal is to be pg by the time I have my next dental appointment right before Christmas since they know and I would hate to have to tell them that it didn't work out.

I don't know what it is that makes me research so much. I think it is just my nature, I feel more comfortable when I know what is going on. My mother said that as an infant I would scream when she put me in the bassinette because I couldn't see what was going on. If they placed me in the baby seat inside of the bassinette I was fine since from that position I could look around. I think it is related to that this researching bug I have.

I'm tired of being pregnant, my symptoms are growing again; they had subsided when I stopped taking the progesterone. I have a tummy that I couldn't exercise off if I wanted, my breasts are hurting more in the morning and my nipples are sore too. I'm also having weird food/appetite things again where I'm hungry but feel yucky or starving and eat way too much. It is hard to eat properly since half of what I eat sits like lead in my stomach. Just one more week until it is over.

It is a little bit interesting getting to watch the symptoms without having them be as emotionally charged as when you know you are growing a new life inside of you. This is my fire drill, just preparing me for the real thing. We were talking last night and my partner said he had played his first game of basketball since turning 40. I said well I got pregnant while I was still 33 and he replied "I got someone pregnant before I turned 40!" It was kind of funny.

We had over a bunch of friends for a party last night and this included 3 small children and 2 pregnant women. I was dreading anyone asking me when we were going to start a family since we've been trying so long (that much they know) but most of them we hadn't told we were expecting.

I try to protect myself, however I need to, when around talk of pregnancy, babies, etc. While I'm happy for people as well, interested and excited for them all, I know that I'm just too sensitive right now to be able to communicate about that with them comfortably. At the same time, I feel like I have more respect and understanding for how awesome (the older definition) the process of bringing new life into the world, and even caring for small children from both my brief window into pregnancy and from watching the changes our friends with children have gone through. I might not be able to share in their enthusiasm but I want pregnant women to be able to complain and fuss and worry and hope to their hearts content -- it is part of the process.