Saturday, September 10, 2005

Bowling and Babies

We had a company bowling event last night and in addition to my niece being there one of our employees bought along his wife and baby. The baby was 5-6 months and babies that age just remind me of my first m/c and make me really uncomfortable (that could have been me, ya know?) I didn't even say hi to the woman, I'm sure she thought I was cold. Other people from our company were carrying the babies around and the like but I just feel like babies are a loaded subject for me. I could see the wife of another employee staring at the babies as I know they are interested in starting TTC. It just made me think of how much heartache TTC has brought me and as I fell asleep last night I kept thinking to myself that maybe I would be better off just not having babies.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

An update on the dysmenorrhea

I had a stomach virus or something. It was connected to a different virus I caught weeks ago with a temperature and everything -- the connection was the stomachache that lasted for weeks. It's possible it was some sort of micro-organism as in the end several of the symptoms were similar to when I had salmonella, though the timing was spread out and the symptoms didn't happen all at once. I felt like I needed to throw up two weeks ago, and also like I was going to have diarrhea. I made mention of it to my acupuncturist. The following Sunday I woke up and felt really ill and proceeded to empty my digestive tract over and over for several hours. That seems to be the end of it though my acupuncturist today noted still some disturbance in my stomach channel.


Lately I've been feeling like it's all just pretend. I'm pretending that eventually I am going to have a baby. I'm pretending that this is something that will happen to me. Like looking at some Hollywood actress or rock star and thinking that I could do that (don't we all have those moments?) Since its been so darn long I just feel like I've been pretending for a long time, that small piece of hope left seems almost a little silly.

The other side of it is that I worry that I'm just getting too comfortable in my own life (not such a bad thing) and that I'll not be able to adjust to sharing my world with a wee one. That I should even be so lucky. It's been an ongoing worry of mine, though feeling comfortable is a newer addition.

But then here I am in the 2ww again (2dpo) and that little piece of hope (and distraction) lifts its head and says "what if..." If it wasn't so sad it would be aggravating.

We went camping over the weekend and I brought along my digital basal thermometer to temp with. Of course it was freezing at night (38 degrees) and so I slept with a hat on and a wool blanket over my head but who knows if my temps are what they would have been otherwise. It was challenging getting one BD session in with our friends there with us. We had one session Saturday morning before we left and then one on Sunday afternoon and then I ovulated on Monday. Not as much as we usually try to get in but maybe the timing was good enough.

I had acupuncture today and it was very relaxing. I'm on a luteal phase herbal formula that tastes okay though a little smokey. Fingers crossed pleased that we catch another eggie.

Unbelievable indeed.

Last week I got an email from an old boyfriend announcing his engagement. We've stayed friendly all these years, it was only a little thing we ever had, so I was happy for him. This morning however he follows up with an email blast to all his friends announcing that he's expecting a kid next March. WTF? It sounds like they weren't even trying though if she's due in March then they have known for a while now.

It's nice how he phrases it:

Unbelievable really as we were always told it would take ages once you were in your thirties etc, etc and hey presto wham bam, first time trying ! Always knew I'd be super fertile ;-)

This guy has said for years that he would never get married and never wanted kids. Uh, yeah right.