Saturday, April 01, 2006


I went to dance class this morning, its time for me to take back my body from the past year. I haven't been very active in a year, except for intermittently. I went to a dance class last September I think it was, there was a half day of skiing in December, occasional ballet at home using tapes, the daily swimming and running while in Fiji but not really that much overall. I haven't felt up to it.

Now though, its time to get back into the swing of dance practice, my body needs it for flexibility and strength -- it counteracts the computer work and also the whiplash injuries.

I went to a beginning class this morning and I could feel the aches and pains. I wasn't feeling very strong through the warm-up, without strength you don't have control and you can hurt yourself.

The more I moved, the more the past two years...they started to come out, wrap around me, about how this experience came through me and then to me and it hurt me. I could feel it all welling up inside of me -- how did all of that happen to me?

I could tell I reached my emotional limit so I ducked out after the warm-up; my instructor knows what's happened just enough to understand. I started crying as I left the studio.

I feel like I am a tight ball, crouched down protecting myself and holding out. I need to open up slowly and let it all out. I was thinking about how I've been taking back myself through my French class and growing more in my role at work as and owner -- I guess taking back my body is going to take a little longer. I'll have to just keep going until it doesn't hurt any more.

When I came home I told my partner that I really don't want to get pregnant right now. I don't want to deal with another bout of all the badness that comes with miscarriage right now, I'm not in a place to take it on. And being pregnant would only be a huge emotionally loaded distration and I want to focus on work right now. I want to focus on being me and doing that well.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

What's up with the neighbors

I came back from a trip out of town and my partner mentioned to me that the couple next door told him that they are in the process of adopting a baby from China.

How odd I thought, two infertile couples living next door to each other. I did wonder why they didn't have kids, they seem to live their home life so deliberately, almost regimented.

Still I don't find the wife friendly at all so I wouldn't commiserate with her at all, especially since we're not the adopting sort at this point in our lives. I get along well enough with the husband but pretty much the only interactions we have with them as neighbors is when they need something from us.

I don't know how I feel about it yet. I suppose it might make me feel frustrated or something later on but right now the infertility connection seems to be the most noticible thing.

I ovulated while I was out of town and so there wasn't a chance that anything could come from this cycle. I did meet up with one of my miscarriage buddies from BabyCenter though for a wee bit and that was really super nice. ;)

I also started mon cours de Francais hier soir, oh la la. It was tres tres bien.