Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Feeling kinda lost

With infertility and loss I at least felt like there was a common struggle for me and my online buddies. Then there are all those happy pregnant people online, or the ones who obsess over every little symptom. I feel like I don't know where I fit in right now. I feel closer to my infertility and loss buddies, but I know that my being pregnant can be trying for them. I feel I have to hide it even a little more around them -- and generally I'm not boasting about it.

It's weird to not have people know at work, yet I've known for 5 weeks now. Then I have so many work responsibilities -- so now I get to do them, with out letting on that something is up, but feeling twice as bad with half the energy. I guess that's sort of raining on my parade too. The fatigue is pretty common, but I guess for me I still have so much going on that it's hard to just be thrilled about it.

I've sort of noticed that the women who seem the most thrilled tend to have invested the least in their education and careers. So, again it makes me feel like an outsider -- though I know there are lots of women out there like me as well. Besides, with infertility and all the other delays that contributed to some of us being more mature as we approach uncertain motherhood, we would be pretty lame if we didn't at least have more than pregnancy and TTC going on in our lives -- right?

The other weird part is just knowing how much the past four years have put a damper on my relationships. You find with the problem fibroids, and the infertility and then the miscarriages, that people who you were close to just couldn't deal with the intensity of it all. I found that I pulled back from developing new relationships -- and it ended up being for years. Now I'm trying to find my way out of that as well, and it feels awkward. I guess the little bit of success I've had so far with this current pregnancy has helped cushion my heart so I can speak more honestly about my losses. But then now I worry that I shouldn't let on too soon, because if something bad was to happen right now the whole world would dissolve into tears.

I guess that's the complexity of it. And its my reality.


Christy said...

This is really complicated business on all sides of the fertility fence. I really like the honesty and bravery of this post.
Some of the bloggers I've read talk about "survivor's guilt" that happens when you move from infertility to pregnancy.
Here's a post you might appreciate, so that if nothing else, you feel companioned in what you're going through:

Anonymous said...

Welcome to yet another sticky side of infertilty....It's a very strange place to be when you've managed to cross that IF gorge only to find that those you've become closest too are standing on the other side.

I too had a hard time initally in my first trimester. Beyond the fact that I was tiptoeing around the pg hoping not to tempt the fates, was the fact that the women I received the most support from would now be potentially hurt by my questions or comments. It can feel a bit lonely at first. As we slowly let people in our circle know about our pg this feeling eased up a bit.

You're definitely not alone in this quasi-uncomfortable state. Apparently, we graduate from infertility in stages.


Crystal said...

I hope all is well with you. I don't know how I will feel if and when I ever get pg. I know I will be eleated, but also sad.

I know it's hard, but you have to leave the sadness behind because, infertility is always temporary. People always resolve it out in some way, but either getting pg, adopting, choosing to be childfree, or just accepting it. Your temporary has ending. I'm rejoycing for you!