Yeah. Sure. Right.

Why is it that doctors don't want to hear about it if they hurt you. I'm still spotting today from that HSG the other day so I called and left a message at the nurse's station. I mentioned that it was more painful than last time. The nurse called back and said it was all normal and to be expected and that the bleeding might continue for a week, it's all individual she told me. And that the doctor said that it was totally normal and nothing out of the ordinary. I don't know, if I was going around hurting people with my technique I think I would want some feedback.

Nope, it's all just to be expected. I didn't expect any of it. Nothing except the infertility part.

Give me land lots of land under starry skies above (Don't fence me in)

My partner and I talked last night and we're going to take another break to focus on other parts of our lives. This is a continuation of the same feelings that caused me to take a break in November. When I took the time to reapply myself to work and my other interests I feel stronger and more accomplished. My entire being is screaming at me right now that I'm more than an infertile person.

Yes maybe we will conceive on our own again. Who the heck knows. I just can't do this anymore -- you know what I'm talking about. The little compromises, the hopeful thinking, the little things that you do and don't do when you think that somewhere in your near future there might be a pregnancy.

I think just quitting this game is the best answer for me right now. No one has any answers or reason and throwing medication at that won't fix the fact that we mostly don't get pregnant but when we do we lose them and each time it happens it sucks the life out of me.

I'd rather just be an artist and travel the world and not be directing so much energy to this really painful, damaging and unsatisfying process. I have more to give the world than to be a mother.

I'm going to work on my kitchen remodel and probably my artwork as well, it's been a long while since I had a show.

I'll continue to post here about how I'm feeling and what's going on with me.

Thank you for your continued support.

I'm feeling depressed tonight, I don't feel like I can keep doing this. I feel like I don't really want to try anymore, that I don't want to get pregnant, that I don't want to have a baby, that I don't want to deal with any of it.

How do you handle that?

I feel like crying but I can't get it out.

Dang that hurts like a b*tch! (HSG Report)

I'm just back home from my HSG and what is there to report... I found it really painful again but thankfully I'm not having deep seated cramps right now (they made my knees weak last time three years ago). I had some bleeding/spotting right away afterwards which hopefully will stop before the end of the day.

The test showed that both tubes were open. Imagine the likelihood of that with all the mucking about in my woomba that's gone on in the past couple of years. The uterine shape looked pretty normal otherwise, no funny distortions from adhesions or fibroids this time.

I think they would have let my partner in to watch but since recents reports have said that it is best to limit your lifetime exposure to radiation, including x-rays, it's all for the best. And, as I said to my RE, I have found the HSG to be way more physically painful than a d&c since they sedate you for the d&c. It's over quick but DANG! OUCH! OW! OH! EEEEE! and THAT HURTS! I don't know who the people are who say it is no big deal, I hate it.

Also, a word to the wise, even if you can drive afterwards and go back to work doesn't mean that you should a) go by yourself or b) plan on going back to work. If your scan shows something is wrong, or if you have a strange reaction to the dye (such as weak knees or low blood pressure) then you will most certainly want someone there to take care of you. I'm staying at home the rest of the day and soon I will be taking a nap.