Sunday, July 10, 2005

I'm sure many of you read the Little House on the Prairie books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I bet you missed this part, or that it didn't make sense to you then. I reread the series last Summer while waiting for my miscarriage and this small section was so much more vivid based on what I know now:

...and then one day that was really warm they drove the four miles to see their good friends, the Boasts.

Mr. and Mrs. Boast lived by themselves on their farm They had no children and could hardly make fuss enough over Rose.

When at last the visit was over and Mr. Boast was standing by the buggy to see them start, he started to speak, but then hesitated and finally said in a queer voice, "If you folks will let me take the baby in to Ellie for her to keep, you may take the best horse out of my stable there and lead it home."

Manly and Laura were still in astonishment, and Mr. Boast went on. "You folks can have another baby and we can't. We never can."

Manly gathered up the reins, and Laura said with a little gasp, "Oh no! No! Drive on, Manly!" As they drove away, she hugged Rose tightly; but she was sorry for Mr. Boast as he stood still where they had left him, and for Mrs. Boast waiting in the house, knowing, she was sure, what Mr. Boast was going to propose to them.

From The First Four Years, by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

As it happened the Wilders had their little girl Rose and then a son who passed away in his first year. They had no other children of their own after that. Still, I wonder what the true backstory was of the Boasts and what conditions and circumstance had left them childless and so convinced that they would have none.
Today's my birthday. I'm 35 now. That means that in Western medicine I'm now considered advanced maternal age. Whatever! I can't believe I'm 35 and I don't have any children. Life just pulls you along sometimes and there you are, not where you expected to be.

My partner got in the "mood" this morning so I thought why not. I don't really have any sex drive right now but that shouldn't stop everyone from having a good time. In the middle of it though I started crying, tears kept running down my cheeks. It wasn't anything in particular, just happened. I think it is everything starting with having to use a condom during BD to prevent pregnancy, yeah that's what I want to do right now. I have to manage my fertility. Why, because the rational part of me knows that my body needs a break and I need to make sure that I'm not hurting myself by throwing a possible pregnancy at my tired body right now. I need to wait. But waiting just makes things feel even less normal right now. Then there's so much else hovering. Like all the people who don't know. I feel like I'm putting up a brave face and all but I want everyone to know what hell I've been through. Hardly anyone IRL knows the challenges we've been through in our pursuit of a child. And now, losing my second pregnancy, I just want a little more love and kindness. But I don't want to have to tell them. Can't they just know?

I've continued feeling weepy all day and my right ovary is aching; I fairly feel like I'm going to explode somewhere inside. I think the crying is the hormones, probably the biggest drop in my estrogen level that I've had in a couple months as my body prepares to ovulate. I've got to just ride out the hormones, wave by wave, somehow. But mostly I just feel like I wish I didn't have to feel it at all.