Okay, so maybe I'm not so hot

I just got done with my acu appointment and yes indeed, I cried. I'm feeling so emotionally stressed today about this pregnancy.

She said all the pains I'm feeling -- in my ankles, in my feet, in my ear -- are key kidney points and it is typical for pregnancy to have that much going on with my kidney channel. They felt better, meaning the pain dissipated, when she put the needles in several of the key spots. I did feel some big waves of qi moving through me and I could also breathe a little better.

She thought that I would be anxious about something no matter what, but aside from the big tests I think I would be all right if I just knew that things were going to be okay this time. She said how I was feeling was entirely understandable, but I need to try to stay rested and relaxed as much as possible.

I'm to continue with my herbs and she gave me a list of things to do to try to help get through the next couple of weeks.

On the way back I stopped to get some Thai Red Curry and a mocha -- I'm not sure the coffee is good for me but I feel like I need it and deserve it today.

I only cried a little

I went in for my blood draw this morning, to check for beta and progesterone again. I had to wait even though I had an appointment with the phlebotomist (grumble). Sheesh, it's just a blood draw.

Afterwards I went to the reception to see about scheduling my ultrasound. The woman doesn't really know about loss I could tell. Whatever. She pulled out her pregnancy wheel and was trying to figure out where between 8-10 weeks was when I again reminded her that I had more than one early loss and that we were going to need to come in the week after next. She got it then, so she started throwing out appointment times. First thing in the morning? Might as well ruin the whole day I replied. I had to call my partner to see what his schedule was like since Tuesdays are usually bad for him but luckily his client is out that day so he's able to do it.

I started to tear up as we confirmed the time and when I asked what would happen next after that if everything was going well. She said that the appt a week from Tuesday would be considered my first prenatal and then they would see me again in a month, unless my doc wanted to do something different. In my head all I could think was that I needed to prepare myself for another bad scan. In the span of a couple of seconds all that horror of the bad scans from my last two pregnancies came back. I told the woman at the reception that I was having a hard time convincing myself that everything was going to be okay. More tears welled up as I walked down the hall, though I didn't outright cry.

I feel bad now, sort of emotionally strained. Why do I have to feel this way. Couldn't I just ignore this pregnancy and just pretend that nothing is happening. My partner wants to do the scan and really it should help us to not get too attached if there's nothing going on. It just hurts right now.

I'll let you know what my blood results are this afternoon.

My strange diet

I got up this AM and was online for a little while, plus I made a shopping list and sewed some buttons onto several shirts that needed mending. I was hungry and so I checked in with myself about what I was hungry for. Cold cereal with almond milk? No. Oatmeal? No...There's pot roast. Pot roast? Yes, pot roast. And so I had pot roast with gravy on bread at 7:30am for breakfast on a Sunday. Whatever my body wants must be what it needs.

My partner got up mid-morning and I decided to take a nap -- so I passed out for 2 hours. Then I made a totally amazing (if I do say so myself) salmon tart for lunch and went off to my painting class (which I totally didn't feel up to doing).

I felt pretty lousy so I just made sure that I sat down periodically and drank a lot of water and ate some stroopwafels (really good dutch cookies with caramel -- hey, all this progesterone changes the way your body deals with carbohydrates so I needed them). It actually did help so I'll have to keep that in mind over the coming weeks and hopefully months.

I've also allowed myself a bit more cheese over the past few days, I think my body wants the extra calcium right now -- and that's okay by me and my body seems to be tolerating it fine. I've developed a taste for my smokey Retain the Fetus chinese herb that I am drinking twice daily as well.

My breasts are even firmer and more sore now, my belly actually feels less bloated -- I wonder if it is because I'm making sure to drink that much more in fluids for the past week. I am still feeling shivery qi occasionally, though I feel fairly flushed all the time (but my temp when I took it was normal). If I didn't know better I would say I was coming down with something. Boy, Mother Nature did a number of us women didn't she. It's like there's no winning.

IV Iron Administration

Since my iron stores are still low and my body is going to try to increase my blood supply by 50% over the next month or so, I'm thinking that it might be time for a more aggressive anemia treatment.

I've been taking oral iron, and eating iron rich foods but still it seems to me that my body doesn't absorb iron well orally. A friend of mine had suggested intravenous iron to me a while back but I never pursued it, but I really want to help this pg in every way possible.

I just started looking up stuff about it and a recent study showed that it helped, and also could help stave off the need for a transfusion later on in pg.

quote:

IV iron "restores blood stores more rapidly and a prompt increase in hemoglobin may be achieved," they point out. Moreover, it may reduce the need for blood transfusion in pregnant women who have severe anemia near term.
From: Intravenous Iron Rapidly Treats Iron-Deficiency Anemia of Pregnancy, Dec 2005 (Obstet Gynecol 2005;106:1335-1340.)

I feel like this would be the right thing for me to do at this point. I do eat dark leafy greens, chicken, fish, occasional red meat and even chicken liver, plus supplementation (granted I'm not as good as I should be about it) but still, I don't eat crap or a lot of caffeine so this still looks to me like I don't absorb it well. And my period is way less than it was before, so that shouldn't be an issue. I'll have to discuss with my doctor next week.

447%!

First hCG: 15 mIU/ml	Second hCG: 82 mIU/ml
hCG Difference: 67 mIU/ml	Time Difference: 48 hours	Total hCG Increase: 447 % (5.5)
Daily Rate Increase: 134% (2.34)	Two Day Rate Increase: 447% (5.47)
1st Day hCGAs If: 35 mIU/ml	2 Days hCG As If: 82 mIU/ml
Assessment: The Two-Day hCG rise was 447% and is considered adequate.

Up Before Dawn

I've been up since 4am; I had to pee badly (not typical for me but then I'm drinking more fluids and I'm pg) and then all my little aches kept me up. I'm going to be exhausted by later this afternoon, even if I manage to get back to sleep.

My partner told me late last night that he had two friends call him last night to go out for a drink and he declined. He said that he knew he couldn't keep his mouth shut about my being pg and he feels it is too early to tell. He, and we, are holding out for the heartbeat scan.

This pregnancy already feels different to me from the others. With the first I felt like my pregnancy, my baby, had no soul. It was an odd feeling that I didn't really talk about. Then my scan showed that it was an empty sac. The pregnancy last year, from the time I saw the positive pregnancy test I just thought that it would just be a matter of time until it failed.

But this time, I feel like there's a spirit in me, a small one but a very vibrant one. I don't feel like it will fail. I do think it's going to be a rough couple of weeks but I'm going to do my all to try to help keep my baby sticky this time.

My doc said that typically with number like mine are he wouldn't do follow up bloodwork. He agreed with me, though things are going well, that moderate tracking of levels would at least give us more information to work with -- should something go wrong. So I'm going to have my progesterone and beta checked again in a week.

I need to figure out about a scan, though something tells me this one is a keeper.

Thanks for your support and comments. You guys are great. :)

News blast

I just got the call from my ob/gyn...

my beta is now at 82!

my progesterone was at an unbelievable 31.4 (2 days ago)!

Lupus antibodies -- negative

Wow!

Back from acu

My acu is so excited she gave me a hug[:)] I've been seeing her for just about a year (one of two acus who alternate in seeing me at the one practice) and she helped me through my last m/c.

I described to her all the little weirdness I've been experiencing, the random nausea and sinus issue last week, the light fever on Friday, odd aches and pains. The aches I know are related -- I've got a pain in my left foot in the spot where the point is for the uterus in reflexology; around my navel I feel a light burning sensation; above that in my girdle meridian there are little pains. The bottom of both feet just below the ball of my foot in the middle are achey, I've had that since last week -- that's a major kidney point and she said it was just that my body was drawing a lot on my reserves right now.

She did points to secure the fetus -- 3 inches up from my wrist on the inside of my arm, several points on the crown of my head, and several points around my ankles. I fell asleep for a little while even (and now I'm so tired I want a nap!)

She gave me a new herbal formula called Securing the Fetus that contains blood building and kidney nourishing herbs. She told me to bump up my blood building foods and then to use ginger if I was having any nausea symptoms. I'm also supposed to take fish oil capsules, one a day I think to help provide more omega-3s -- it's also another type of blood thinner and it's supposed to help both my body and provide good help for neural development for the baby. She said she wants to see me weekly until at least week 10.

I was thinking about all the people sending me prayers and sticky thoughts and trying to capture that in my body and use that energy. It made me get a bit misty. I really appreciate your support.

My temp was still up this morning (98.5) -- and really I think this implantation was a little earlier than last time. Tomorrow I go for another beta draw, I'll let you know when I get results back.

Am I making this all up?

While I was at the doctor's office this morning all of the sudden I just felt so odd -- like I must be making this up that I've got this positive pregnancy test sitting on my desk at home. I mean how ridiculous is it to have a consult scheduled already and then to test positive that morning?

But my doc was reassuring and then he called me himself (dang! that never happened ever with my RE) and let me know that my beta level was at 15 already and that it surely was something.

The appointment went well; I brought my sister along with me -- she's just back in town and I thought why the heck not. My doctor and I discussed the various options and tests we could do and he fully appreciated that I'm not a regular old OB patient. I let him know about Twyla (my new fibroid) and he wasn't too concerned just wanted to know about its placement (towards the outside of the uterine wall away from the uterine cavity).

I had 5 vials of blood drawn -- beta HCG, progesterone, ferritin, IgG and IgM. He told me to start taking a baby aspirin a day for possible preventative value (against any clotting issues I might have) and then he's likely going to prescribe me progesterone suppositories.

So far so good. I feel like I'm better hands already.

My sister told me to not read too much and my online friends are all sending me prayers which I really really appreciate so much right now.

I go for a repeat beta draw on Thursday. I don't have an ultrasound scheduled yet but I'm sure my doc will make it happen.

Miscarriage Testing

This was posted with permission from my friend ozgal who did a lot of info gathering. It's a list of all the different types of testing that you can get done. My ob/gyn today suggested that I just get the IgG and IgM tests done -- as they more common blood clotting disorders. I'll get the results in a few days time.

Here's a list of suggested post-m/c tests (with resources below):

• Toxoplasmosis


• Antinuclear Antibody Titre (ANA)


• Anti dsDNA Antibody


• Anti ENA screen (ELISA)


• APA – Antiphospholipid Antibodies (Anticardiolipin antibodies)


• Lupus Anticoagulant


• Thrombotic Assays (for clotting factors):

-- Antithrombin III Activity
-- Protein C Assay (functional)
-- Protein S Assay (free)
-- Plasminogen Assay
-- Activated Protein C Resistance (Factor V Leiden)

• Serum Immunoglobulins (IgG, IgA, IgM)


• Fertility hormones: Progesterone, HcG, Prolactin


• RIP (Reproductive Immunophenotype – natural killer (NK) cell)


• NKA (NK cell assay)


• Antihistone Antibody


• Coagulation Assay


• DQ alpha HLA antigen (male and female)


• LAD (Lymphocyte Antibody Detection) (male and female)


• TNF alpha (Tumor Necrosis Factor)


• Antibodies to neurotransmitters


• ETA (embryotoxicity assay)


• Ratio of TH1 to TH2


• Genetic/karyotyping of male/female blood


• DNA Integrity Assay (this requires sperm analysis)

Sources:
Dr. Jonathan Scher and Carol Dix, Preventing Miscarriage, the Good News. New York: Harper Collins, 2005.
Jon Cohen, Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2005.
http://www.repro-med.net/info/cat1-5.php
http://www.haveababy.com/rpl/basics.asp
http://www.illinoisivf.com/recurrent-pregnancy-loss/post-implantation.html
http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=immunology&id=374&pagenumber=1
http://www.asklenore.info/miscarriage/immune_testing.html
http://www.rialab.com/miscarriages_prevented.php
http://sharedjourney.com/loss.html
http://www.infertilitytutorials.com/miscarriage_members/hormonal.cfm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4002539.stm
http://www.gentlebirth.org/archives/miscrg.html#Prevention
http://www.sefertility.com/patinfo_progesterone.html

Please send her some prayers as thank you for sharing. She'll need them as she works on TTC post loss.

Bloated as anything

Have you ever had a cycle where you went from feeling normal, almost skinny before ovulation and then felt like you gained 10 pounds after ovulation? It's been driving me nuts and I thought to myself, surely I've not been eating that much. Even my underwear hasn't been fitting right for the past 10 days.

This morning I have my consult with my ob/gyn to discuss my care plan for my next pregnancy. I figured that to rule it out, I would test this morning before my appointment to see if anything was there. I wasn't that optimistic. I took the test and it was blank, and waited and it was blank. So I stuck it in my drawer and then after a couple of minutes I checked again. And sure enough there was the faintest line coming up. I sort of felt like something must be going on for all that bloating.

So here you go, my third BFP, without any enhancement:

So, that's three for three of getting pg around this time of year.

I'm just hanging out, bloated as anything. What a fun LP this one is. And all my pants are tight and I'm fighting with my underwear all the time due to my backside being a little too fluffy for its own sake. I swear I gain inches during my LP. My partner is out with his friends, he should as he's been working, working, working non-stop as he's overloaded with projects right now. The poor guy needs a break. Since I have to fend for myself I'm thinking couscous, salad and grilled asparagus -- I've got a load of veggies to use up.

Extended birth control use issues that could affect fertility and health

There was a discussion on Ovusoft so I looked up some references based on things that I had read here and there. Studies supposedly show that upwards of 80% of women will return to "normal" cycles upon discontinuation of the Pill. It really does matter how they did those studies though, as cycles before and after hormonal contraceptive use might differ wildly so normal isn't really as normal as you might have been if you hadn't used the Pill.

I never used the Pill, it wasn't anything other than a philosophical position -- it didn't seem right to me to introduce prolonged hormonal manipulation to my body just for the sake of more assurance against unwanted pregnancy. I was careful in my selection of partners, there were few as well that I crossed that line of intimacy with, I was willing to be diligent in my use of condoms and I knew I was open to dealing with any unfortunate outcomes of my approach. Still I ended up with fibroids and heavy period and anemia and who knows if BCPs might not have carved out a different reality for me. My sister on the other hand used all sorts of birth control including Depo and she ended up with 6 fibroids combined to the size of a grapefruit (the size mine was when it was removed after I became pregnant) and that was a good 6-7 years ahead of when I got to that point when you factor in our age difference.

Here are some mentions of the pill that might interest you.

After the pill, the copper IUD, superovulation-stimulating drugs (Clomid, etc.) or previous childbirth, the copper may be over-high and the zinc, and possibly also magnesium and manganese, may be too low. It is vital to adjust this before embarking on the next pregnancy, to avoid the risk of miscarriage or premature birth.
From: Foresight, Preparing for Pregnancy

14 women with a history of taking a combined oral contraceptive (norethynodrel plus mestranol) were studied and were found to have vaginal candidosis which commenced after an average period of 9 months from start of contraceptive therapy. 4 sexual contacts (men) of those women taking the pill were also discovered to have vaginal candidosis; they had presented with candidal balanoposthitis. 4 other men had clinical manifestations suggestive of balanoposthitis caused by hypersensitivity to the candidosis of their sexual partners. Nystatin was a satisfactory treatment in most cases; however, 2 women had to stop using the pill because of frequent relapses of yeast infections.

From: Candida albicans and the contraceptive pill.

Nutrients that can be reduced by the use of Oral Contraceptives (OC):

Folic Acid (Folate). Birth control pills tend to cause folic acid depletion and increase the risk of cervical dysplasia and vascular thrombosis, stroke, and possibly megaloblastic anemia.

B-vitamins. As several B-vitamins are affected negatively by birth control pill use, a B-complex supplement is suggested, especially vitamin B6 if depression is present.

Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid). Levels are lowered by OC use which interferes with the metabolism of ascorbic acid. Insufficient intake of ascorbate is also associated with an increased risk of cervical dysplasia.

Selenium. Selenium absorption may be reduced. Selenium is an important nutrient for cancer prevention.

From: Birth Control Pill Issues

Also since the affect of the pill cause changes in the hypothalmus-pituitary-ovarian axis isn't it possible that prolonged use actually can cause some potential atrophy of this system in how it is normally meant to function? Using a contrasting situation, if you shot up someone who was healthy with insulin for years, even at a low dose, wouldn't it affect the function of the pancreas long-term? (]more about how the Pill works here)

The pill may cause permant sex drive loss

BOSTON, May 26 (UPI) -- Women who take contraceptive pills may suffer reduced sex drive for the rest of their lives, University of Boston researchers say.

It has been long known that oral contraceptives lower levels of testosterone, and thus sex drive, and increase levels of sex hormone binding globulin, or SHBG.

While it was thought that the pill's adverse effects could be reversed, the University of Boston research shows they may be permanent, the London Daily Mail reported Thursday...

Women taking the pill had SHBG levels that were seven times higher than women who had never taken oral contraceptives.

Women who quit taking the pill still registered SHBG levels that were four times as great as non-contraceptive users.

I haven't been doing my qigong I'm sorry to say, but I have been making a concerted effort to walk to and from work a few times a week. It makes dressing a bit awkward, I have to factor in client meetings and the like -- though wearing jeans and comfy shoes every day would be nice. I need to do more dance and lately I've been thinking that I should bring my bicycle up from the basement and take it around a bit.

I am having an unhappy body day today, actually I left work b/c I had such a bad stomach ache -- and it turns out a very light fever. I have no idea what it is about, I've been having stomachaches periodically after I eat. I came home and rested and drank a lot of water, particularly hot water and it made me feel better. I ate dinner without any more issues -- it's so weird. Been going on two weeks now. I sent an email to my acus about it, I hope they let me know what they think.

I didn't schedule an acu appt this week and they only had openings for the abdominal massage tomorrow but I didn't call in to make an appt for that either (busy week). I've had this borderline sinus thing going on this week, something is going on in there though its not an infection -- and won't be if I stay on top of it with the saline nasal spray. Then I'm mostly okay but my digestion is still a bit odd, certain meals seem to throw it off again and there are some foods that my body is telling me to avoid such as bananas and alcohol, particularly beer (though I hardly ever have beer). Very strange.

I guess I'll have to see about getting my appointments lined up for next week. I like to go on Thursdays.

Feeling Ill

Here's my note to my acu from today:

I've continued having some digestive disturbance over this week as well, though my schedule was so full that I didn't have time to get in for an appointment. Sometimes after meals I just feel like I'm so nauseous, other times I'm badly constipated. When I do have bowel movements it alternates between dry and firm or very soft and a lot at once.

This week I've also been having some sinus congestion/bordering on infection. I took half a dose of Nyquil last night and it didn't seem to help. I know that sinus issue and digestive issues can be related sometimes.

This morning I woke up and my lower back felt bad, also since I ovulated over last weekend (which was painful and congested feeling in my lower right abdomen and lasted from Friday evening until Saturday morning) my points in my ankles and that spot above my ankle bone have been very achey. I bet if you saw me you would needle all my spleen points on my legs.

I was feeling so bad this afternoon (like I might throw up or have diarhea) that I left work early, I have a .1 degree temperature.

Is there anything I should do or take? I just feel so lousy.

--- and here's what she wrote back ---

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so awful! I got your email today when I came in for the morning and just wanted to get a quick email off to you for the weekend. First, I hope you are feeling better already!...if not I am hoping that you are able to rest up over the weekend because it sounds like you have had a very hectic schedule.

I have been thinking more about abdominal massage for you. The symptoms you are having currently lead me to believe you would really benefit from getting abdominal massage in combination with the acupuncture both for pain/ cramping and digestive disturbances, in addition to being excellent for fertility. Hopefully it will fit in your schedule to see either myself or Danisha (abdominal massage) in the upcoming week.

Until then, I think eating something very easy on your digestion such as a chicken noodle soup. Try putting some fresh ginger into the soup or have ginger tea to help calm and decrease nausea. Peppermint tea might also help and benefit the sinuses as well. Although it may be tender along the spleen channel, some gentle massaging of those points will help. You may also try some clock-wise (12 o'clock being at your navel) direction gentle massage of your low abdomen.

Hope this helps and your weekend goes well.

Candida?

I was at a bookstore last night and was looking up some info in The Encyclopia of Natural Medicine (I have the companion Ency. of Natural Supplements already) and was looking at what it said about asthma as my partner's cousin is dealing with really serious asthma problems. While scanning that section of the book, which also dealt with respiratory allergies, I saw mention of Candida overgrowth as a possible contributor to both conditions. I flipped to that section and it talked about how prolonged anti-biotic use can lead to pathologic overgrowths of candida in the colon which can impair food absorption. It also said this would impair liver function

It just reminded me of when I was on tetracycline in college for mild acne for longer than I was meant to. And that's around when I started having more of my health problems -- digestive issues, etc. It still might be a stretch but I bet that's part of my issue. The book mentioned that it was hard to get rid of once it was entrenched and that the immune system is hyper-reactive to it as well.

Those things are totally in parallel to what my acu has said about my situation -- though the diagnosis is phlegm obstruction (hyperactive immune system) and Spleen Qi deficiency (poor digestion, to be treated with a diet akin to a candida cleansing diet), with blood deficiency (hard time assimilating nutrients) and some Liver Qi stagnation. The diet my acu has me on includes cutting back on alcohol, fermented foods, sugar and simple carbs -- same as one does for candida.

Interesting don't you think?

My digestion is still a bit off, I think I need to get back to my cooked foods, no dairy, low wheat, low sweets, and leafy green veg diet. I've just started back on my herbs and they seem to be helping.

Here are some links about Candida that I've come across:

Intestinal Yeast and Candida

Candida Treatment Overview - Clean the Colon to Check Candida

Candida Albican

Candida Summary

The Candida Syndrome: Health Nemesis or Myth?

TCM Tongue Diagnosis

I just retried this Tongue Diagnosis Tool and it is still spot on with my diagnosis which is so amazing and weird. You should try it yourself, just grab a mirror and something to jot notes on as you click through the questions.

Tongue diagnosis used to be used more in Western medicine as well, but now they are so reliant on blood testing and the like that the observatory aspects of their practice are largely ignored or forgotten.

So my acu treated me today. She said my digestive issues were related to the stomach actually. Either combined with spleen qi deficiency so that qi wasn't flowing the right way or blocked so that everything was messed up. Yes, that sounds like what it's felt like for me all week. She did stomach and spleen points and it helped ease things though I am still constipated Even a cup of coffee and a long walk have done nothing. It's so irregular for me but totally tied with the jetlag I believe.

A Little TLC

With the suggestion of my friend Christy and someone else on the Ovusoft loss board I cracked open Coming to Term again to read the parts about TLC, in summary:

Study 1 -- in addition to regular prenatal care plus weekly medical exams for "optimum psychological support" the researchers advised the test group patients "to avoid heavy work and travel, as well as bed rest druing the two-week gestational period at which they had previously miscarried. 86% of these women successfully carried to term versus only 33% of the control group.

Study 2 -- study participants "attended a physiotherapy class each week at which they leraned relaxation skills. They also received a 'relaxation tape'". For hospital visits they had a specially decorated room. 86% of the treated group carried to term versus only 33% in the control group.

Interesting isn't it?

Who's On Your Support Team

There's this amusing book I picked up at Anthropologie a few years ago titled The Fabulous Girl's Guide to Decorum. It has a section in it about how celebrities have their people and how fabulous girls need their support team as well.

One's support team can include:
hair stylist
colorist
manicurist
dry cleaner
dentist
etc.

It is in that spirit that I think we should all think about the following QOTD...

Question of the Day: Who's on your support team for your next pregnancy?

Mine first, and this is as of right now:

ob/gyn
acupuncturist
chiropractor
massage therapist

I hope to add on a counselor and I really should get a regular doctor to round out my care providers.

Jumping in, feet first and with eyes closed

I think I'm going to ovulate today. Several online friends of mine are close enough to be cycle buddies -- that means we get to live through the ups and downs of the 2ww together.

We did in fact DTD and so we'll see what comes of that. No sooner do I pull out the Pre~Seed then my partner tells his friend that we're trying again (within hours). I'm like "Dude! What up with that?" He explained that his friend was confiding a lot of personal stuff about his dating issues and recent confusion about a relationship he should just let go and that was all my partner had to offer that was personal at the moment to empathize with him.

Working on my support team

I set up an appt. with my ob/gyn for June 6th to discuss our game plan for my next pregnancy (should I be so lucky) as I feel a little vague about how he intends to make me feel supported through this time. I've decided to hold off on RE treatment for the foreseeable future, it wasn't sitting right for me. Still I need to have the confidence that my ob's office isn't going to treat me like any old obstetrics patient, not after four (give or take) years of TTC and two miscarriages.

Why does that seem to be such a loaded thing -- seeing the doc two weeks after O......I had already scheduled an appointment with my RE for the day I found out I was pg the first time two year ago. With my second pregnancy last year I was scheduled for a pelvic exam a few days after I tested positive but I cancelled because it made me nervous to just be meeting with a nurse-practitioner, especially one that I didn't know -- it was with a different ob/gyn practice though. Hmmmmm.

I still think I need to definately add a counselor to the mix, so that I'm feeling more supported psychologically through this endeavor and not as isolated. I've got some counselor recommendations through the PNWSMTB Yahoo group -- Pacific NW Seattle Mommies To Be -- which has been helpful. Now I just have to work up my courage to call.

Preparing for Delivery

Here are a few links about selecting care providers for your pregnancy and how to prepare a birth plan that might help you to understand your choices and opportunities better.

Caregiver Selection

Choosing a Caregiver for Pregnancy, Labor and Birth

What's a Doula

About Midwifery

Birth Plans

Five Things Labor and Delivery Nurses Wish You Knew -- don't create your birth plan in a vacuum

Birth Preference Tips (PDF)

Birth Planning FAQ

A Birth Plan

Interactive Birth Plan

Eyes-Open Childbirth: Writing a Meaningful Plan for a Gentle Birth

Preparing a Birth Plan -- from Parents Magazine

Where to Deliver

Where Women Give Birth

Home Birth Reference Site

Home Birth Reference

Labor Induction

Inducing labor

Induction: Getting Labor Started

Labor Induction: Can You Say, "Induce My Labor"? Sure you can, but maybe you shouldn’t

To Induce or not to Induce: Know the Risks Involved in This Increasing Trend

Other Delivery Info

Labor & Delivery -- info from I Dream of Baby

Calculating Due Dates and the Impact of Mistaken Estimates of Gestational Age

Role of the Anesthesiologist in Labor Delivery (Microsoft PowerPoint file -- it appears to only work for download and not open directly)

Expecting the Unexpected: When Your Delivery Doesn't Go As Planned

A Guide to Effective Care in Pregnancy and Childbirth -- chapters available for download as PDF

Signs of Labor

Online Childbirth Class


Other

Babyzone Labor and Birth Index - a whole host of articles

Getting a Stubborn Patient to Say Yes

Binsi -- clothing designed and approved for delivery

I'm just back from my trip to Paris and I had a great time. There are benefits to being child-free in that you can actually get away like that and just do what you want to do.

I'm still feeling trepidation about TTC right now, I think a friend of mine pinned it on the head when she said that it was probably more that my caregivers haven't really shown me that they have a good plan for monitoring my next pregnancy which is causing more anxiety about it. After the two losses that kicked me to the ground and all our difficulty conceiving in the first place its just frustrating and the way the docs deal with it just makes me feel like I'm going to have to go it alone again. I'm thinking of going for counseling and also talking to my current ob/gyn about it. I don't know if there's any chance that I could not feel like a total wreck should I get pg again but at least I shouldn't have to feel like I'm being treated like a regular ob patient -- I've cried too many tears and had too much pain for that at this point.

Apprehension

My partner was talking to his friends who just got knocked on a Clomid cycle, got engaged and bought a house all in the same week. They were asking him when we are going to try again and he said maybe July. I feel so torn about it all. I just have no confidence in the process of procreation at this point in time, and even if it works I still feel a lot of apprehension about all the pg fatigue and yuckiness. Not good is it.

Mardi equals Tuesday

Were about to head out for the day, another day of
cafes, shopping and lots and lots of walking. My
parents want to see the Arc de Triumph today.

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com

I made it

Im in France now, in a taxi on my way to the hotel. I
cant wait to take a shower and get something to drink.
Lots of thinking on the plane about my fertility and
miscarriages, probably because Ive got AF but its also
that time of year. I was also reminded of how badly I
wanted to come here after my first loss. Well here I am.

Have I been ignoring you?

No I haven't. I've just been busy with things and this luteal phase is thankfully so much better than they have been somewhat recently. Just a little breast tenderness, minor irritability, a few pimples that you might not even notice, and just a touch of bloating.

What has changed though to have caused this profound difference. By gosh I don't know, I just don't know. I have been using my hot water bottle on my woomba regularly in the evening, also drinking my herbs and going for weekly acu. I have been trying to take more exercise with the weather being nicer. But still, I wouldn't think it was enough to make a difference. And the stupid thing is that I could stop the herbs and acu and I bet I would hurt like hell again the next luteal phase. That's freaking sad and it irritates me too (I did mention I was a little irritable).

I don't know if I mentioned it but my acu appointments are covered but only while I'm not trying. I get 10 or 12 treatments included through my insurance from work. Pretty rad eh? They won't cover treatment for fertility though -- but the difference between not trying and trying is like nothing at all, especially since the qi problems are still the same. Strange, eh?

My latest is Yin deficiency, and I've been feeling tired and drained. Still got the Liver Qi Stag., Phlegm, Blood Deficiency and I'm sure Spleen Qi Def (related to the Phlegm and Blood Def.) Still I'm having less PMSy/breast pain issues this cycle -- but more slight constipation which is fun and supposedly Liver Qi stag. related.

I made chicken livers earlier this week, to help get more heme iron in my diet. Not my favorite thing but my body seems to appreciate it.

-----

I visited with my friend who has the stage 4 cancer yesterday. Oh my gosh what she has been through. And one of her cancer docs told her that she had less than a 5% chance of living to the end of the year. That made me so angry, they totally don't know that. The book Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster makes mention of a study that showed that when doctors told certain patients with "terminal" illnesses that they had x number of weeks or months to live that the patients would just die like on clockwork at that time. But treated elsewise, without having time marked for them and they would keep on going. So freaking pooh on that damn doc for telling her such a thing. She had a tumor blocking her colon and the surrounding tissue was so swollen and distended that the surgeon couldn't reconnect the colon where the malignancy was removed from so she has a temporary colostomy. The cancer has spread to her lymph system so they removed a ton of lymph nodes. Her liver showed a mass a few months ago but she just had tests a few days ago and there was nothing there. Not on the ultrasound, not on the MRI, not on the x-ray. She's been having acu and energetic treatments -- Seattle has a lot of alternative medical practitioners so if you are open to it it's available to you. One of her practitioners said that when she first started working with my friend she could feel the cancer, but there was one treatment where my friend felt an energy shift (she got hot or something like that) and ever since then the practitioner can't feel the cancer any longer. If she can make it through all this nasty chemo and gain some weight back I feel truly in my heart as though she might be this. Please send her your very best healing thoughts and prayers. Thanks.

Thursday was CD16, supposedly 1dpo and I woke up with my knees aching and then after lunch I got a headache and low backache. I told my acupuncturist about it at my acu appt and she told me that it was my kidney qi that was messed up. It might have had to do with the cycle transition from O to LP.

She said I'm still blood deficient and likely Yin deficient as well. Then there's still the fibroid indicating phlegm obstruction and blood stasis -- and liver qi stagnation. The spot where she was going to insert a needle below my navel was actually colored pink before she even touched it.

They have a new massage therapist working in the practice who is trained in Arvigo technique which she thinks I should do after I get back from my trip to France. She said for her patients with fibroids and endometriosis they have been having dramatic improvements alternating between acu and abdominal massage.


One of my partner's friend's girlfriend just did a couple of cycles on Clomid and she's now pg. I'm not looking forward to seeing her as she's been completely ga-ga wanting to have babies and even buying baby magazines.

There's this part of me that hopes she doesn't lose it and then there's the part of me that hopes she does feel all the horror and grief of miscarriage. It's like I wanted to be that happy but I had it taken away from me twice, that and more since it affected my health as well. But also because m/c is just part of what happens. It's happened to me twice so why shouldn't happen to her. It think you all know what I mean, well at least if you've been through infertility and miscarriage you know what I mean.

Chronic Babes Unite

I found this site while surfing about and thought that some of the readers here might appreciate it. It's for women...sorry Babes dealing with chronic health conditions. I don't know whether infertility or fibroids count as being as chronic as other conditions but at least it's an inspiring resources that's all about getting a life and having fun.

http://www.chronicbabe.com/

So sad

A friend of mine just told me today that in January she was diagnosed with cancer. Not just any cancer but cancer of the colon and liver and stage 4 at that. She had some indigestion after dinner at a restaurant that lasted for days and when she went to see the doc they rushed her in for emergency surgery to removed parts of both organs. She's been through chemo for months now and lost 15 pounds and she was a skinny minnie to start with.

She had a hysterectomy a couple years ago due to problems with uterine fibroids and now this. Before she even told me which parts I mentioned to her that it was probably related to spleen qi deficiency and liver qi stagnation -- commonly recognized causes for uterine fibroids. How freaking scary though. She's healthy, exercises regularly and is a vegetarian.

Send her some prayers and healing thoughts if you can.

Six Things About Me

Baby Lust tagged me so I'm going to participate in this blog meme.

1. I'm a morning person who doesn't like to get to work before 9am. When I was in school I really hated going to school before 9am. I'm not sure why since I wake up fairly early but I like a nice, quiet, slow morning.

2. I'm competitive about my artwork and creative endeavors. It's one of the only areas of my life that can work me up into tears if I feel like I'm not doing well enough. I'm not that way about many things, though often I have high standards. I want to be one of the best, within reason of course.

3. I was thinking about this tonight on the way home from French class but ever since my second miscarriage last year it frequently comes into my mind. And not just any part of it but the part where I'm in the shower and it's worse than the scene from the movie Psycho. That downstairs bathroom is forever marked in my mind with that event. (Commercials or things on TV about the movie Psycho also bug me now and I have to change the channel)

4. I don't like showering every day, I'll go every other day. I get cold coming out of the shower and I really don't like that. Also washing my hair everyday leaves it hard to manage.

5. I don't much like washing dishes and when I do I wear rubber gloves. I was a summer intern in high school at a college biology lab and got to grow bacterial cultures and since then dirty dishes and dishwater freak me out.

6. When I get sick I apologize to my body for not treating it better and I really think about it on the cellular level. I feel like my body is really a the sum of many different organisms with all the little cells in it. I'm weird I know.

I don't have anyone to tag in the infertility world right now. Feel free to tag yourself or post your own list in response to this one in the comments if you don't have a blog of your own.

Progress?

I had acu this morning and she switched my herb formula because she said my signs of dampness had diminished. I told her I felt like I was on a bit of a roller coaster but she told me that the dampness and phlegm obstruction had stopped the qi from flowing.

Now with the dampness mostly resolved the underlying condition of liver qi stagnation is surfacing -- all that stopped up qi from the obstruction is now trying to flow but it isn't flowing smoothly. The new herb she added in will help build the blood but also help with the liver qi stagnation. Go figure eh? It makes me feel like such a mess but I feel crappy without treatment so that isn't an option for me right now.

I have been good putting a hot water bottle on my belly in the evening to help with the fibroid (though I can't bring myself to do the castor oil pack), drinking my tea and then getting more exercise.

UB62!

I had a headache all day yesterday, and felt vaguely full of water -- but not really bloated. I couldn't figure it out but it wasn't the kind of headache that Tylenol will fix. It was the kind that I've had over the past week, that's like when I took Vitex and Blupleurum last year and they were too moving for me.

Last night while in bed sipping my fibroid herbs from my acu, with a hot water bottle on my belly I took out The Infertility Cure to see if I could find anything -- which is hard as you know b/c not everything in it is indexed. Then the outside of my foot started hurting out of nowhere and I looked it up -- UB62. When I looked further into that in the book (Governing Meridian key point) it sounded like it was perfectly connected to
excess hormones and headache that I've been experiencing. I rubbed it once, but just thinking about that spot seemed to get the Qi flowing as I started feeling tingly sensations going up the backs of my legs and back.

I woke up really sleepy this morning and still with a little headache.

I did have a chiropractic treatment yesterday afternoon, one of my vertibrae mid back was stuck I noticed at dance class on Saturday. I don't know if that might have contributed as well

Miscarriage Tips

I just wanted to write down a few things that might be helpful for people dealing with their first losses. Others feel free to add on your advice as well.

-- Unless your pg is dating more than a week behind in the 6-7 week range, you can't be sure about what's going on with your pg until you have waited a week and had a repeat scan unless you are already losing it and bleeding or have blood tests showing that your HCG level is dropping.

-- Don't just get a d&c after one bad u/s, wait a week just to confirm -- barring other situations that might preclude that such as ectopic, molar pg, etc. Sometimes things look badly and then it turns out to be just a bad scan. Not a majority of the time but you don't want to make a decision hastily and then feel guilt-ridden later that you hadn't given it a chance.

-- the medications that they use to knock women out during a d&c can have a side-effect that you might wake up crying. Doctors and anesthesiologists don't often tell women this and when you are dealing with the already emotionally traumatic experience of pg-loss this s/e can really make you feel worse and more out of control. (light sedation won't do this)

-- you usually have the option of doing a d&c under light sedation or under general. Ask your doctor about it. Some gals have had better experiences with light sedation. I've had both but only general during the d&c to remove retained tissue -- one didn't strike me as better than the other but each has it own benefits and drawbacks.

-- You can choose to m/c at home on your own. You need to know what to watch for (hemorrhaging and signs of infection) but lots of women do it. (see my miscarriage prescription)

-- Even if you have a d&c to end a failed pg more quickly you still might go into labor a few days later. (see my miscarriage prescription)

-- you might want to save the POC/baby if you miscarry at home. Some women here have planted it in their garden or even it potted plants. Some women feel guilt later if they have flushed it down the toilet. It's totally up to you what you want to do but don't feel like a freak if you feel the need to honor your loss in that way. And if you don't want to it's okay too.

-- if you have a full-time job it is hard to know how much time to take off and when. Miscarriages can be draw out affairs. Many women take at least a week off, some go back to work right away. I've alternated, going to work when I was up to it and stayed home on the days when I just couldn't cope at all. It's hard, and I think we've all had to deal with it. Know that others have struggled as you have and that it's okay. Just try to be gentle with yourself.

-- its easy to want to stop taking care of yourself after you learn of your baby's demise, wait to miscarry and recover physically afterwards. To go from being so careful about what you eat and taking all your vitamins to eating junk food and drinking wine. Try to do better than that, keep taking your prenatals as your body will need the extra nutrition as it reorganizes your hormones and body back to an unpregnant state. Drink lots of water, go for walks, and eat healthy meals. It's okay if you aren't perfect and can't manage to be super fabulous about it, just make an effort. Not taking care of yourself isn't going to make you feel better ultimately, it might make you feel worse.

-- If you have lost a lot of blood make sure to add in more iron into your diet and take iron supplements for a while. I think taking a separate supplement separately from my prenatals is easier for my body to absorb -- I take a chewable iron that doesn't disagree with my system.

-- bleeding more than two weeks after a d&c should be looked into via u/s or at least a beta draw.

-- you should have a beta draw a week after a d&c to help make sure you have no retained tissue

-- if you continue to have a dragging pregnant feeling after your miscarriage and your doctor hasn't done a f/u beta draw you might have retained tissue.if you have retained tissue that is still growing and engaged the progesterone produced post-O will make you feel more pg

-- your body can ovulate after the hcg level drops below 40-50 ng/ml.

-- you might ovulate a couple weeks later or your body might need more time to recoup and get things reset and restarted after your loss.

No tears at dance class

I went to modern dance class again yesterday and got through class without any big swelling of emotions. Hopefully that was just a fluke thing, triggered more from lack of fitness than anything else -- it reminds me of why I feel so crap.

I was able to go through all the class this time but I only marked the composition as there was something pinching in my spine and I didn't want to push it just in case. I have a chiro appointment on Monday afternoon so hopefully that will help. At class another dancer mentioned a Pilates instructor she has worked with that really helped her with a major back injury (lower back slipped disc) and now it never bothers her. I'm going to look her up as well and see if maybe that might help strengthen things. I also got some new ballet slippers so I can continue to focus on some basic barre and floor work at home for strengthening my back and core gently.

Except for the recent hormonally induced PMS issues over all I'm feeling so much more myself finally. Each day I feel like I've been sleeping for the past few years. My partner even recognizes it, and it had a lot to do with my original fibroid diagnosis; it really caused me to lose my sense of self and caused me to shut down a bit. Overall I feel really relieved.

Yesterday on the Ovusoft Miscarriage board I read a post someone made about how her losses took all the joy from her life and how she finally stopped trying because she didn't want to live like that anymore. That's sort of what I feel as well. I can be happy and childless or struggling with TTC, infertility and miscarriage. Right now just being me is bringing joy to my heart and spirit.

Charmed Star Pregnant with Second Post Fibroid Surgery

I thought you might be interested to know that Holly Marie Combs from the TV show Charmed is pg with her second child. She had a fibroid surgery several years ago.

Mentions of her fibroid surgery:

"I had a few fibroids removed, and they left me with a Grand Canyon of scar tissue in my uterus. The doctors weren't sure I'd be able to reproduce. I was prepared for a rough road, and then out of nowhere we conceived."
From: Celebrity Mom Interview: Holly Marie Combs

"Actually," she says, "I'm not quite sure if I want to talk about this, but I kind of do, because I'm so sick of all these rumors. I just had surgery (for a uterine fibroid) recently, and we shut down for two weeks.

"These girls, I mean, Shannen was with me through every doctor's appointment and held my hand, and Alyssa was in my hospital room every day, she even climbed into bed with me. These are kind of life-and-death things when you really need people, and they're actually there. It's pretty nice.

"It made a huge difference in how fast I got better to have them around and have them be so supportive of me. These were not pleasant doctor's appointments and tests that they sat through with me. And my crew was so supportive of me. It's really become this family atmosphere where we take care of each other."
From: Holly Marie Combs' "Charmed" Life

From other links I found it sounds like she was a vegetarian for years and her fibroids might have been discovered when she was 24.

There are waves

I had an interesting week that I think you might be interested in. In my french class there are only three students and we're all girls and it's pretty casual. My teacher has just fallen in love and she's funny how she gushes over this new love. Another gal mentioned that she wants to TTC later on this year -- she's my age. The other day in one of the oral exercises I answered that I don't go visit my friends very often and my teacher asked why and I said b/c a bunch of them had moved away recently. She said you seem like such a nice girl... She wasn't mean but she just meant that she would have thought I would have lots of close g/fs. (Well I do but you guys are on the net and I can't easily visit you all). So I mentioned that I had hot water with my breakfast on Thursday and they acted all shocked (not coffee or tea?) and I tried to explain that it was due to having health issues and TCM. There was only one other student there that night so finally I just blurted out -- my body doesn't deal with hormones well and I've had two miscarriages and a fibroid the size of a grapefruit removed in the past two years and my friends moved away recently and it hasn't been a good time to make new friends. That went over well. They both just quieted right up. So, what I want to know is did I come across as a freak or did I just make them feel bad for being so trivial? Did I enlighten them? Should I always expect this type of reaction if I try to speak about my losses?

Then yesterday coming home on the bus I sat next to a woman with a baby, obviously sleeping under some blankets. I was feeling brave so I asked her how old her baby was and she said 3 months and she pulled back the blanket so I could see him and he was a gorgeous little thing with these lovely pouting lips. We chatted a bit more about how he was and his personality and then we went back to just riding the bus. I was glad we stopped talking b/c my eyes were starting to tear up -- I could have had an almost 3mo right now as well, but even more it just was hard in general. It was the first time I've been around a baby since my niece's birthday in February.

Last night my partner got back in town from a short business trip to Spokane, WA. We stopped at a bar on the way home and had a drink and talked. It was really nice to have his attention fully and the break from the day-to-day was good for him. At one point in the conversation I asked him how he though our losses affected him and he admitted that it did hurt him, more like the loss of a pet but not his most dear pet. He knows that losing a child would be harder than our failed pgs but it was interesting to hear him say that. I think he's a little curious about how long I want to TAB. We talked about that as well. He appreciates that for me the pg losses were both physically, spiritually and emotionally traumatic experiences and he sees that I'm afraid to get pg again for that reason.

I talked to my acu about it yesterday morning as well, about how I'm still not TTC for a variety of reasons including that it isn't a good time relative to work, that I'm not physically ready to accept the yuckiness of early pg (as much as I know of pg having done it twice), and that I am most importantly not in a good place for having another loss -- which for me at this point still feels like is a greater chance than success. Also, I'm coming up on the cycle where I conceived last year and the year before and I can't deal with adding to the pile up. Even in the absense of TTC I actually sense a tremendous apprehension about the coming months with all the bad memories of the past two years. It sucks but I need to acknowledge it and honor those feelings.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions I welcome them.

I'm all crampy and yucky feeling, just waiting for AF to start up and just about dying I'm so uncomfortable. Okay, yes I'm being melodramatic but I feel crummy and I can't sleep. I'm CD 32 and spotting, 17 dpo. Nope, not pg I tested when AF didn't show on Monday just so I didn't get all antsy about it.

So I've got two theories and both are possibly as to why AF was late this week.

1) my body was waiting for the full moon.

2) my L2/L3 in my feet has been aching in the evenings which has never happened before (though I've pretty much found thong sandals to be uncofortable -- pressing on L2?) My body felt like it was trying to start AF on Monday but it got stuck for two days and I felt awful. Finally it showed up last night but it was dark red and a bit thick instead of bright red and fluid. I broke open TIC last night and it looks like with all the recent stress, long hours and compromised diet/not taking my herbs that I might have accentuated my blood stasis/Liver qi stagnation issues -- which are associated with fibroid btw.

Both things could be the reason. I'm so relieved to have it start. The waiting reminded me of my m/c last June where I was waiting to start the miscarriage process and then waiting to pass the tissue -- bad memories for sure.

I made an appt with my acu on friday to review and revise my treatment accordingly. Sigh. If it isn't one thing it is something else...

PMS Induced Mastalgia

Oh yeah, it's that time of the month -- time for sore breasts. My breasts have been killing me and I've been so freaking bloated during my LP that it is not even funny. I haven't been able to get to acu due to travelling out of town but I do have a massage scheduled for this Thursday afternoon. Yesterday morning I took a look back at my blog posts about PMS, estrogen and the like and came across my info about elevated estrogen, prolactin and then vitex to treat the same. I decided that I had to try something as I was just about to DIE or burst or something like that. I took 10 drops in a glass of water and by the time I got to work I was like crazy get-out-of-town peeing. It was like my body randomly decided to drop all that water -- well actually it felt more like the vitex coaxed it out of me. My breasts are still sore but not nearly as bad and my belly doesn't look like a balloon (though I swear my ankle are looking a little bloated still). I think I'm going to keep trying the vitex for a few days more to see if it takes my edge off.

So here's my question to you all, if I've had my prolactin checked and it has been fine then why does it seem like that might be the problem? I've also got that weird headache back, like right between my frontal lobes. I keep getting it during my LP, since January. What the heck is wrong with me and my stupid hormones! The problem is that I don't feel like any of my docs will really listen to me and if they give me a med it will likely be something really nasty. Grrrrr.

I have been feeling bit less painful today thankfully. Maybe I'm onto something.

Here are some links about breast pain, cyclic mastalgia specifically, that you might find interesting.

Cyclic Mastalgia

Painful Breasts

Severity of Mastalgia in Relation to Milk Duct Dilatation

Toremifen May Be Helpful for Mastalgia

Info about Vitex for PMS/mastalgia

Moving...

I went to dance class this morning, its time for me to take back my body from the past year. I haven't been very active in a year, except for intermittently. I went to a dance class last September I think it was, there was a half day of skiing in December, occasional ballet at home using tapes, the daily swimming and running while in Fiji but not really that much overall. I haven't felt up to it.

Now though, its time to get back into the swing of dance practice, my body needs it for flexibility and strength -- it counteracts the computer work and also the whiplash injuries.

I went to a beginning class this morning and I could feel the aches and pains. I wasn't feeling very strong through the warm-up, without strength you don't have control and you can hurt yourself.

The more I moved, the more the past two years...they started to come out, wrap around me, about how this experience came through me and then to me and it hurt me. I could feel it all welling up inside of me -- how did all of that happen to me?

I could tell I reached my emotional limit so I ducked out after the warm-up; my instructor knows what's happened just enough to understand. I started crying as I left the studio.

I feel like I am a tight ball, crouched down protecting myself and holding out. I need to open up slowly and let it all out. I was thinking about how I've been taking back myself through my French class and growing more in my role at work as and owner -- I guess taking back my body is going to take a little longer. I'll have to just keep going until it doesn't hurt any more.

When I came home I told my partner that I really don't want to get pregnant right now. I don't want to deal with another bout of all the badness that comes with miscarriage right now, I'm not in a place to take it on. And being pregnant would only be a huge emotionally loaded distration and I want to focus on work right now. I want to focus on being me and doing that well.

What's up with the neighbors

I came back from a trip out of town and my partner mentioned to me that the couple next door told him that they are in the process of adopting a baby from China.

How odd I thought, two infertile couples living next door to each other. I did wonder why they didn't have kids, they seem to live their home life so deliberately, almost regimented.

Still I don't find the wife friendly at all so I wouldn't commiserate with her at all, especially since we're not the adopting sort at this point in our lives. I get along well enough with the husband but pretty much the only interactions we have with them as neighbors is when they need something from us.

I don't know how I feel about it yet. I suppose it might make me feel frustrated or something later on but right now the infertility connection seems to be the most noticible thing.

I ovulated while I was out of town and so there wasn't a chance that anything could come from this cycle. I did meet up with one of my miscarriage buddies from BabyCenter though for a wee bit and that was really super nice. ;)

I also started mon cours de Francais hier soir, oh la la. It was tres tres bien.

The big business of fertility medicine

As I was driving to work yesterday I heard mention on the local NPR station of an upcoming program about fertility medicine. I didn't catch when it was and searching their site hasn't been helpful so I decided to do a general web search. I did find some other interesting artitles that I thought you might enjoy so here you go.

I think this first one is the program I heard about on the radio, about the unregulated big business of fertility medicine:

The Baby Business - Here and Now Podcast and a transcription on the Living on Earth site
Infertility is a painful prospect for hopeful parents, but Harvard Business School professor Deborah Spar also saw infertility as a big business, 3 billion dollars in the U.S. alone. And she says, should we view it more as a business.
Wed, 08 Mar 2006 16:58:02 EST

The Fertility Race -- a series of radio shows from Minnesota Public Radio about fertility


All Too Conceivable - Slate.com, an article about the short-lived NBC show Inconceivable


It's interesting listening to the program after our recent stint back in with the RE. I'm feeling pretty okay right now, and my period just show up yesterday even. I feel liberated right now, like it doesn't matter if we conceive or not. I don't think I wrote about it here but my sister called me last week and I told her about our recent struggles and how I just didn't like how it all felt and she said right away, quite earnestly and supportively -- "but you have so much else going on in your life." It was said with love and compassion and a deep understanding of my value and worth, something only a sister who loved you could say or perhaps a very dear friend.

I found out this week that one of my infertile buddies finally birthed her little girl, she got pregnant right as my last one was failing. And then another online buddy, this one dealing with Spleen Qi Deficiency and infertility and being treated by an acupuncturist, she got a BFP and I'm really pleased for her.

While in New York a few weeks ago, my friend Jen mentioned that it was odd for those of us who meet in the online space to have access to each other's lives in this deeply personal and intense times of our lives as we deal with fertility and family. I think she's right, it's downright profound that we should even think to share so much of that experience with relative strangers online, though it speaks volumes to the relative amount of stress the experience comes with that we need to talk about it so much. The only downside of it is when you find out that you are in the very small group of people who don't concieve on their own after two years. And then watch as others pursue fertility treatments, some of which are not available to you due to other health issues. And then when the situation changes and you realize that you have philosophical issues with fertiity treatment and that you don't want to do it (that's me right now), it just makes it hard to relate a bit to those who were infertile and are now mothers. Those who were infertile and are now pursuing treatment. Those who were infertile and are pursuing adoption.

I think that God has a purpose for me yet, be it as a mother or in some other role. I just need to be the very best me I can be in the meantime so I'm refocusing on life outside of baby-making. I'm able to focus around the house like I haven't been able to do in several years due to the emotional disruptions of fibroids, infertility, surgery and miscarriage. I'm able to focus on growing at work and I'm really proud of my strength and determination. I still care for my online friends so much, and I've been pleased to see that they are as awesome in person as online. There's a great gift in that and someday I hope to see more of them as I travel around.

Goodnight for now.

Fun with site visitation stats

I have StatCounter running on this blog so I can see where people are coming from, what they are interested in and then I make sure that the pages they are coming to contain decent information, adding new info to help hook them up with more useful information if I can.

So over the past couple weeks I've noticed that my belly shot showing my scar from my myomectomy kept being pulled up through Google Images. I was amazed that people would even thing to search on "myomectomy scar" for photos, I was intrigued.

Yesterday I looked at that posting though with my first post op photo and there wasn't anything really that would make it make sense for fibroid patients doing a search. I went to Google Images and did a search on myoscar, the name of the image and low and behold Google asked -- did you mean "my oscar" Oh brother, so these people are looking for oscar photos and they are instead finding my belly with its scar and this blog with all its sad stories. Oh well, maybe a few other people learned something about the world of womens's reproductive health issues. I adjusted the image title to be more precise and hopefully that will help fix the situation.

Warm

Just back from acupuncture and shopping. Both activities were productive. Acupuncture made it so I finally warmed up and I'm not feeling freezing cold and shopping, well I got lucky with a sale plus two dresses and a pair of shoes.

Along the TCM line I'm making progress. My tongue coating is thinning some, I'm feeling more emotionally even, and my digestion has been improving some. My lung qi is weak, still fighting that virus from two weeks ago. All of my spleen points in my legs are sore, I had needles up both my legs from my feet to my knees. She asked me if my feet were cold and I said yes, basically since I came back from Fiji. She told me to do nightly foot soaking, then use that time to meditate or do qi gong breathing. That I think I can manage, heck while I'm at it I might as well do the castor oil pack ;P

I'm actually not a big shopper but this time of year I tend to notice the gaps in my wardrobe and I am willing to do what it takes to help fix that problem.

Work is going well, I usually only complain about it, and not much here, but over all its doing well. I'm feeling knowledgable, experienced and useful (mostly).

Very amusing and informative.

The House passed that bill for National Food Labelling Uniformity. I looked it up on Thomas (I hope that link works) and it evidently doesn't affect organic food labeling:

(g) No Effect on Certain State Law - Nothing in this section or section 403A relating to a food shall be construed to prevent a State or political subdivision of a State from establishing, enforcing, or continuing in effect a requirement relating to--

`(1) freshness dating, open date labeling, grade labeling, a State inspection stamp, religious dietary labeling, organic or natural designation, returnable bottle labeling, unit pricing, or a statement of geographic origin;

You Are What You Eat

After coming across a few interesting news items this week I though I'd just include a general email about nutrition and food quality in the United States.

Some months ago I met a new doctor, an internist, just out of her residency and starting to work with patients. Since I had read that medical school curricula only included about 30 hours total information about nutrition, and that was spread out over all of their studies and not in nutrition courses. I asked this young doctor if that was still accurate and she confirmed it was about right. She said that she didn't buy into all this stuff about food, that people had been eating for thousands of years and people should just eat what they want. She also had an attitude that indicated that nutrition was akin to dietician or nutritionist, the lowest of the low -- she was a doctor. Wow I thought to myself, not only ignorance but arrogance about it even. I was not impressed.

Did you know that the food we eat today is not the same as what people ate 100 years ago? I don't just mean food preparations, but the nutritional value of the food has actually changed. Beef came from cows that ate grass and the omega-3 to omega-6 fat ratio was actually a lot more inline with what our bodies can handle. With the feedlot handling of today's cows/steer they eat a lot more of corn and other grains which drive up the omega-6 content. Too much omega-6 in the diet is linked to some types of arthritis and other health conditions. That's just one example that I heard about from an arthritis expert on NPR some years ago.

Then there are trace nutrients in the soil such as selenium. Wheat is usually a good source of selenium but with depleted soils in farmlands and crops grown predominently on fertilizer you likely aren't getting as much selenium in your diet as people were even 50 years ago. Selenium is one of those nutrients on the fertility supplement list -- if people dealing with infertility are having to supplement for this then you know on average there is a deficiency in the food supply on the whole.

So I wasn't that surprised when this article popped up on the ABCNews site this week, perhaps you saw coverage about it on the news this week:

Fruits, Veggies, Not As Vitamin-rich as in Past, Says New Data
Larger Fruits and Vegetables Mean More Plentiful but Less Potent Bounty

So the food you eat has 30% less vitamins than before, and it sounds like they weren't speaking even about trace nutrients, probably just the basics like Vitamin C, Iron, Calcium, etc. Does that mean that the average American is also 30% less healthy? I don't even need to say much about the recent figures about obesity in this country, I'm sure you haven't missed that.

Here's another good one:

What we don't eat can actually hurt us, Seattle Times 3/8/06

So the real deal is that if you want the best nutritional value you should buy organic. And eating local is also another way to help make sure you are getting food that hasn't been in storage for months, or ripened in warehouses with methane gas (that's what they do to those nasty pink tomatoes they sell in the supermarket).

A great couple of books you might be interested in to learn more include:

This Organic Life by Joan Dye Gussow

Coming Home to Eat: The Pleasures and Politics of Local Foods by Gary Paul Nabhan

So had to be mad about something

When I was brushing my teeth this morning I remembered that my acupuncturist last week had asked me to do castor oil packs on my belly. Oh well, forgot about that for a good number of days. But then I was thinking about it and got all annoyed. I don't like doing castor oil packs. Castor oil packs don't do anything. When has a study ever shown that castor oil packs help shrink fibroids? Wouldn't a hot water bottle do the same thing? And so on.

I did do castor oil pack a few years ago when I first started working with a naturopathic doctor, the routine left a lot to be desired -- heat up a cloth soaked in castor oil in the oven for 15 minutes and carry it upstairs. Place it carefully on my belly and then lay a sheet of plastic over it and a towel over that and then top the whole affair with a hot water bottle. Sit like that for 25-30 minutes every day. Then after that you had to wash your belly off with a baking soda solution though I usually just used a washcloth with soap and water. Hoo boo was that a lot of work. I did it too for about a month but after that I just shrugged it off. It's too much work. Taking a bath every single night would be less work.

But really, I don't mind sitting with a hot water bottle on my belly but what's up with the castor oil really. Where did this tradition start and why do they keep pushing it? Grumble, grumble.

My breasts did start getting sore right after I last posted about how they weren't. Nice isn't it? So that's about mid-LP, just as my hormones peak, I start getting sore this month and it will stay that way until AF (due on Monday). Well, that's better than last month. I'm going to go back through my Ovusoft notes in the new 2.0 version of the software and see about any patterns for breast pain that I can pick out.

Holding up

I'm in the middle of my luteal phase and my breasts aren't killing me. Hows' that for an improvement? I think the acupuncture is helping out.

We went out with friends the other night and I wasn't drinking and I mentioned it was a chinese medicine/acupuncture thing and our friend's girlfriend who is an ear-nose-throat doctor asked me about it. I was dubious of how interested she was but I mentioned that I was having bad PMS, nausea for the better part of five weeks, really bad congestion and post-nasal drip, etc. Her response? That it was probably gastro-esophogeal reflux and that there's medication for that. I said I don't think acid reflux gives you bad PMS, and then she said, well no... I said that the dietary changes and the acupuncture and herbs seemed to be helping and the nausea was now gone. She said it was probably coincidence to which I replied I was sure that it wasn't. Oh sigh.

I went for a massage today, the first time that I've seen this practioner since September 2004. She practices Lomi Lomi massage, a technique that comes from Hawaii. Sometimes she chants during the massage, and she usually starts out with a type of prayer, but she always checks in with you on an emotional level before she starts so she can help use the time for more healing. When she asked how I was doing I said pretty good. But then I told her about the recent EDD and anniversary and I started getting teary. I filled her in a little about the second loss, about my frustrations with Western medicine having nothing really to offer since they don't really listen, and about how depleted I've felt since last June.

We started into the massage and I started crying a bit, it was hard just being touched. Before I got there I thought I might fall asleep during the massage but there was no chance of that happening. She worked a lot on opening up my hips and that didn't hurt but it felt like there was a little grief hidden there. Then I asked her to do some abdominal work and when she started doing that it felt like there was a big tight knot in the middle there. So she pulled back some and started asking me to do some visualizations and breathing and after a while my hands started buzzing, sort of like an electric shock but ongoing. She had placed one hand on my heart and the other on my belly and they were just buzzing and buzzing with energy. Then suddenly I started sobbing and crying and it was really intense, I told her I supposed I had been holding a lot of grief in there. She told me to just cry if I needed to and the tears rolled down the sides of my face into my ears and down my neck. Big fat tears.

She told me to breathe in and on the exhale to direct hope, or light or healing to the part of me where I'm holding my grief. I kept thinking of it like my shadow, a full body of myself but only a few inches thick that was dark and I held in my back. She asked me to acknowledge the place in my center, to ask it if it had a name or perhaps a shape -- what came to mind was the color green and the shape of a kidney bean. It was so odd and emotionally intense.

I'm going to go back for another massage in a few weeks to keep trying to resolve this, to help my body move on more. It's amazing what you can find hidden inside the folds and curves of your body.

Alert: Protect Your Right to Food Safety

In case you are interested in the politics of what you eat, I received an email alert from the Organic Consumers Association that Congress was poised to pass legislation that would disallow States from having separate standards for food safety and the like. They called it the National Uniformity for Food Act. This wouldn't allow States to continue having things labelled as certified organic for California, or Oregon, or Washington. I count on those labels when I shop at the store to help me make my buying decisions. This affects me and everyone else who eats organic food most directly.

The legislation was put on hold for a few more days so there's time for you to step in a help combat this attempt to eliminate some of the few trust-worthy controls that are available in this country.

Learn more about it and take action by emailing your congressional representatives and sending info about it to your friends.


Congress Poised to Pass Bill Taking Away Your Right to Know What's in Your Food

Here's the link to the Washington State Department of Agriculture Certified Organic Program if you want to know what these types of programs entail.

How My Mom's Doing

I realized that I haven't posted much about my mother and thought I would give you an update on how she is doing post breast cancer.

As you might recall she was diagnosed finally with breast cancer in May of last year, a couple days after I found out I was pregnant. She had a lumpectomy at the beginning of June, where they also removed a lymph node in her breast/armpit area. The cancer hadn't spread at all and it was small so her prognosis was and continues to be very good. As with my abdominal surgery, small nerves were cut in the skin, though for her it made her armpit numb.

Over the summer she underwent daily radiation treatment in White Plains. They had given her two little freckle sized tattoos that the radiation technicians (is that the right term?) used to line up the equipment to focus the treatment on the area. She had some skin changes as a result, mostly a kind of sunburn. She found the treatment made her very tired. Radiation treatment stopped in September/October or so.

She was put on an aromatase inhibitor, Relafin (I think) which has the nice side effect of cognitive impairment. This she was not warned about and had to learn about it online after the symptoms were preventing her from doing almost anything. She asked her doctor about it and he said "oh yeah, that can happen." She talked about it with a family friend who is a cancer specialist (but not a breast cancer specialist) who felt that an aromatase inhibitor was not the correct way to treat a totally focalized instance of cancer and that the side effects would outweigh the benefits.

After much deliberation my mother determined that if she couldn't think then she didn't want to live, as thinking is what makes her tick. It's true, she's a very analytical person who is constantly using her critical thinking skills -- not having access to them would just be wrong, it wouldn't be her. So currently she's not taking anything, just watching her diet, increasing her consumption of fiber and eating more organic food.

I think she's still physically dealing with the stress and I know that she's wanting to lose some weight. Her endocrinologist has cut back her thyroid medication level, thinking that as humans mature they can't handle such a large dose of TSH all at once. Having been on thyroid medication since the late 1960's though, this means that her body is running a lot more slowly than it was used to -- and her early doses of medication were much higher than they would start someone on today. It's just another drag for her though, and too bad as well. She mentioned to me during my visit last weekend that she hopes that someday someone would come up with a better delivery system for thyroid medication that would better mirror the body's typical pulsing doses.

So, she's doing well and taking care of herself and she's got a good outlook. I guess, if that was the bargain (her health for my second baby) then I can live with it, even if it pains me. She's my mom after all, as imperfect as she is.

More Spleen Qi Deficiency Info

I've been reading through my copy of The Web That Has No Weaver, it's one of the first books that brought TCM to the West. My previous acupuncturist said that there were better texts than this one so I take it with a grain of salt but so far it makes reasonable sense based on what else I have read.

I've been looking through the sections about the Spleen, dampness and mucus and it's been interesting what I've seen. Here are a few items:

"copious, clear, or white, and thin discharges (leukorrhea) usually signify Deficiency and Dampness" (p.192)

"The Spleeen like Dryness...Dampness can distress the Spleen...[and] can be seen in signs such as loss of appetite, indigestion, nausea, diarrhea and abdominal edema" (p.148)

"When a person experiences Dampness, the head may feel dull...limbs may feel heavy and sore, and the person will express a dislike for damp environments" (that would be Seattle this time of year with all the rain and dampness)

"Dampness can easily obstruct the movement of Qi producing ...incomplete urination..."

"Mucus in the stool, relatively soft, mobile swellings, lumps or tumors...and a phlegm cough can all be signs of Mucus" (p.252)

It also mentioned that not being able to discern any taste in the mouth (when there is no food, just as it is when it is empty) is also a sign of a Deficient Spleen.

When I read it and I see the various descriptions of things pointing towards heat, wind and other variations on Spleen Deficiency they don't match but the symptoms of dampness and mucus, cold, etc. they all point right at my symptoms. It's pretty weird. I do also have continued signs of Blood Deficiency, particularly Liver Blood Deficiency as I keep seeing dark spots before my eyes and it's been quite constant and distracting to me lately.

I hope that the acu treatment works, the diet changes aren't much fun but I'm already feeling a lot better and the nausea has gone away. I guess we'll see when I hit my LP whether or not the bloating and breast pain has dissipated yet.

Yeah. Sure. Right.

Why is it that doctors don't want to hear about it if they hurt you. I'm still spotting today from that HSG the other day so I called and left a message at the nurse's station. I mentioned that it was more painful than last time. The nurse called back and said it was all normal and to be expected and that the bleeding might continue for a week, it's all individual she told me. And that the doctor said that it was totally normal and nothing out of the ordinary. I don't know, if I was going around hurting people with my technique I think I would want some feedback.

Nope, it's all just to be expected. I didn't expect any of it. Nothing except the infertility part.

Give me land lots of land under starry skies above (Don't fence me in)

My partner and I talked last night and we're going to take another break to focus on other parts of our lives. This is a continuation of the same feelings that caused me to take a break in November. When I took the time to reapply myself to work and my other interests I feel stronger and more accomplished. My entire being is screaming at me right now that I'm more than an infertile person.

Yes maybe we will conceive on our own again. Who the heck knows. I just can't do this anymore -- you know what I'm talking about. The little compromises, the hopeful thinking, the little things that you do and don't do when you think that somewhere in your near future there might be a pregnancy.

I think just quitting this game is the best answer for me right now. No one has any answers or reason and throwing medication at that won't fix the fact that we mostly don't get pregnant but when we do we lose them and each time it happens it sucks the life out of me.

I'd rather just be an artist and travel the world and not be directing so much energy to this really painful, damaging and unsatisfying process. I have more to give the world than to be a mother.

I'm going to work on my kitchen remodel and probably my artwork as well, it's been a long while since I had a show.

I'll continue to post here about how I'm feeling and what's going on with me.

Thank you for your continued support.

I'm feeling depressed tonight, I don't feel like I can keep doing this. I feel like I don't really want to try anymore, that I don't want to get pregnant, that I don't want to have a baby, that I don't want to deal with any of it.

How do you handle that?

I feel like crying but I can't get it out.

Dang that hurts like a b*tch! (HSG Report)

I'm just back home from my HSG and what is there to report... I found it really painful again but thankfully I'm not having deep seated cramps right now (they made my knees weak last time three years ago). I had some bleeding/spotting right away afterwards which hopefully will stop before the end of the day.

The test showed that both tubes were open. Imagine the likelihood of that with all the mucking about in my woomba that's gone on in the past couple of years. The uterine shape looked pretty normal otherwise, no funny distortions from adhesions or fibroids this time.

I think they would have let my partner in to watch but since recents reports have said that it is best to limit your lifetime exposure to radiation, including x-rays, it's all for the best. And, as I said to my RE, I have found the HSG to be way more physically painful than a d&c since they sedate you for the d&c. It's over quick but DANG! OUCH! OW! OH! EEEEE! and THAT HURTS! I don't know who the people are who say it is no big deal, I hate it.

Also, a word to the wise, even if you can drive afterwards and go back to work doesn't mean that you should a) go by yourself or b) plan on going back to work. If your scan shows something is wrong, or if you have a strange reaction to the dye (such as weak knees or low blood pressure) then you will most certainly want someone there to take care of you. I'm staying at home the rest of the day and soon I will be taking a nap.