Saturday, April 01, 2006


I went to dance class this morning, its time for me to take back my body from the past year. I haven't been very active in a year, except for intermittently. I went to a dance class last September I think it was, there was a half day of skiing in December, occasional ballet at home using tapes, the daily swimming and running while in Fiji but not really that much overall. I haven't felt up to it.

Now though, its time to get back into the swing of dance practice, my body needs it for flexibility and strength -- it counteracts the computer work and also the whiplash injuries.

I went to a beginning class this morning and I could feel the aches and pains. I wasn't feeling very strong through the warm-up, without strength you don't have control and you can hurt yourself.

The more I moved, the more the past two years...they started to come out, wrap around me, about how this experience came through me and then to me and it hurt me. I could feel it all welling up inside of me -- how did all of that happen to me?

I could tell I reached my emotional limit so I ducked out after the warm-up; my instructor knows what's happened just enough to understand. I started crying as I left the studio.

I feel like I am a tight ball, crouched down protecting myself and holding out. I need to open up slowly and let it all out. I was thinking about how I've been taking back myself through my French class and growing more in my role at work as and owner -- I guess taking back my body is going to take a little longer. I'll have to just keep going until it doesn't hurt any more.

When I came home I told my partner that I really don't want to get pregnant right now. I don't want to deal with another bout of all the badness that comes with miscarriage right now, I'm not in a place to take it on. And being pregnant would only be a huge emotionally loaded distration and I want to focus on work right now. I want to focus on being me and doing that well.


Jen said...

I understand the movement aspect of healing - and grieving. When my EDS brought my dancing to a halt as a teenager I grieved intensely for the loss of movement. It was through that physical expression that I processed everything else in life.

As you start reclaiming your body and processing the past two years I hope that healing and peace follow. Always thinking of you... :)

Nikole said...

Isn't it amazing how reconnecting with our bodies through movement can stir up the most intense emotions? I had a very similar experience in yoga class a couple of months ago. I'm glad that you were mindful of what was happening with you and that you respected where you were emotionally and physically. It sounds like you have so many good things going for you right now with work and all of your talents and hobbies. I totally understand about wanting to continue building on this energy and momentum you have found recently, and how TTC may just be too much right now. I'm so glad that you are honoring where you are at this moment in time. You are an amazing, strong, talented, loving woman.