Moving...

I went to dance class this morning, its time for me to take back my body from the past year. I haven't been very active in a year, except for intermittently. I went to a dance class last September I think it was, there was a half day of skiing in December, occasional ballet at home using tapes, the daily swimming and running while in Fiji but not really that much overall. I haven't felt up to it.

Now though, its time to get back into the swing of dance practice, my body needs it for flexibility and strength -- it counteracts the computer work and also the whiplash injuries.

I went to a beginning class this morning and I could feel the aches and pains. I wasn't feeling very strong through the warm-up, without strength you don't have control and you can hurt yourself.

The more I moved, the more the past two years...they started to come out, wrap around me, about how this experience came through me and then to me and it hurt me. I could feel it all welling up inside of me -- how did all of that happen to me?

I could tell I reached my emotional limit so I ducked out after the warm-up; my instructor knows what's happened just enough to understand. I started crying as I left the studio.

I feel like I am a tight ball, crouched down protecting myself and holding out. I need to open up slowly and let it all out. I was thinking about how I've been taking back myself through my French class and growing more in my role at work as and owner -- I guess taking back my body is going to take a little longer. I'll have to just keep going until it doesn't hurt any more.

When I came home I told my partner that I really don't want to get pregnant right now. I don't want to deal with another bout of all the badness that comes with miscarriage right now, I'm not in a place to take it on. And being pregnant would only be a huge emotionally loaded distration and I want to focus on work right now. I want to focus on being me and doing that well.

Holding up

I'm in the middle of my luteal phase and my breasts aren't killing me. Hows' that for an improvement? I think the acupuncture is helping out.

We went out with friends the other night and I wasn't drinking and I mentioned it was a chinese medicine/acupuncture thing and our friend's girlfriend who is an ear-nose-throat doctor asked me about it. I was dubious of how interested she was but I mentioned that I was having bad PMS, nausea for the better part of five weeks, really bad congestion and post-nasal drip, etc. Her response? That it was probably gastro-esophogeal reflux and that there's medication for that. I said I don't think acid reflux gives you bad PMS, and then she said, well no... I said that the dietary changes and the acupuncture and herbs seemed to be helping and the nausea was now gone. She said it was probably coincidence to which I replied I was sure that it wasn't. Oh sigh.

I went for a massage today, the first time that I've seen this practioner since September 2004. She practices Lomi Lomi massage, a technique that comes from Hawaii. Sometimes she chants during the massage, and she usually starts out with a type of prayer, but she always checks in with you on an emotional level before she starts so she can help use the time for more healing. When she asked how I was doing I said pretty good. But then I told her about the recent EDD and anniversary and I started getting teary. I filled her in a little about the second loss, about my frustrations with Western medicine having nothing really to offer since they don't really listen, and about how depleted I've felt since last June.

We started into the massage and I started crying a bit, it was hard just being touched. Before I got there I thought I might fall asleep during the massage but there was no chance of that happening. She worked a lot on opening up my hips and that didn't hurt but it felt like there was a little grief hidden there. Then I asked her to do some abdominal work and when she started doing that it felt like there was a big tight knot in the middle there. So she pulled back some and started asking me to do some visualizations and breathing and after a while my hands started buzzing, sort of like an electric shock but ongoing. She had placed one hand on my heart and the other on my belly and they were just buzzing and buzzing with energy. Then suddenly I started sobbing and crying and it was really intense, I told her I supposed I had been holding a lot of grief in there. She told me to just cry if I needed to and the tears rolled down the sides of my face into my ears and down my neck. Big fat tears.

She told me to breathe in and on the exhale to direct hope, or light or healing to the part of me where I'm holding my grief. I kept thinking of it like my shadow, a full body of myself but only a few inches thick that was dark and I held in my back. She asked me to acknowledge the place in my center, to ask it if it had a name or perhaps a shape -- what came to mind was the color green and the shape of a kidney bean. It was so odd and emotionally intense.

I'm going to go back for another massage in a few weeks to keep trying to resolve this, to help my body move on more. It's amazing what you can find hidden inside the folds and curves of your body.

I'm feeling depressed tonight, I don't feel like I can keep doing this. I feel like I don't really want to try anymore, that I don't want to get pregnant, that I don't want to have a baby, that I don't want to deal with any of it.

How do you handle that?

I feel like crying but I can't get it out.

Acupunture Update

Just a quick post to let you know that acupunture treatment went well and I had lots of points of pain in my abdomen that she treated. Overall the diagnosis is: spleen qi deficiency, damp accumulations, phlegm obstruction and blood deficiency. Nice eh?

She worked a lot on points to help dry things up, and being that she asked how I was doing, of course I cried. It was weird to have my sinuses drying even as I had just been crying.

I'm going to take this month off to work on the fibroid with herbs. I'll feel much better about things if I do (and chances are that if I don't I won't conceive anyway since my body is disrupted enough to start growing another fibroid). Keep your fingers crossed for me that it helps.

Empty Arms

An online acquaintance (Zuzu) created this beautiful and sad movie about infertility that you should experience. It is deeply moving and perhaps it helps to express how you are feeling, or if you are someone who hasn't experienced infertility, maybe it can help you understand a little more.

Empty Arms

A few raindrops turn into a downpour

I went to my niece's first birthday party last night. I've written about how uncomfortable I've been around her, starting during her mother's pregnancy as I lost mine.

The baby was being a pill last night, she was really clingy with her parents and didn't want to hang out really with anyone else. It didn't help that my period showed up yesterday (and wasn't it a full moon or just about as well?) After dinner we gave our presents, a dress I bought at the Lavender Festival last summer, plus a box to store baby keepsakes in and then a photo album in which I placed a bunch of our photos that they didn't have. Then my partner and his brother started playing the piano and guitar together doing old covers and my mother-in-law and I law on the couch. I was soooo tired with the cramps and drop in hormones and all, plus too much socializing all week long.

Then it started, just a couple tears at first which I subtly wiped away pretending my eyes were tired or itching. It's okay, I thought to myself, maybe just letting a little bit out will help me feel better. But as I continued to sit there, the feeling of not being acknowledged for my losses began to swell and gradually I couldn't contain it any more.

I walked over behind my partner who was facing the wall near the piano and whispered in his ear that we needed to go because I was crying. He nodded and then turned his face as he played and kissed my cheek through my hair that I was using to cover my face. At the end of the song he got up and said that it was time for us to go, I was already by the door with my things, and he quickly said goodbye. His brother came over to open the door and saw I was crying and asked if I was okay to which all I could say was its the anniversary of my dead babies not being born, how could I be okay? Which he didn't understand at all as he called after me as I walked into the darkness outside, "what? what?"

I totally lost it then as we drove back home, coughing and crying. My partner understood though, I was grateful for that. I told him that I couldn't keep holding it back, especially around his family since I don't really get any acknowledgement from them because I don't know how to talk to them about it. I told him that I thought that in some ways it was healthier for me to not be around babies and small children because then I could just focus on the me I am and not the me that I'm not, the losses that I've had in that area.

When we came home I continued to cry and it came to me that this time of year, with my two due dates going by without my even being pregnant, it's like having to keep driving past the finish line that you never get to cross.

Now that the family has seen me cry though, the first time I think, I don't know what to do. My instincts are to avoid them now because they couldn't possibly understand having never experienced this type of loss themselves. My other thought is to send them an email, my family and friends as well, and point out to them that January 23rd and February 13th are a time of mourning for me and that I just need a little acknowledgement of that. But I just don't know how that would go over.

The Boo-hoos Caught Up With Me

Yeah so I'm not invincible. Finally Friday night, when my partner came home from visiting with friends I erupted. Two of his friends are currently TTC with their girlfriends and finally he has guys to talk about it with. But for all his enthusiasm it's been an anguishing time for me personally, what with the miscarriages and anemia and all. I hate feeling like he's just lumping us in with these other women who have just started trying, even though I know enough about them to know that they both have infertility issues (a 21-day cycle for one and fibroids and a miscarriage for the other). He comes back from hanging and talks about how he told them about how I chart and all that and how so-and-so's girlfriend wouldn't do that because it would make her obsess too much. It just makes me want to scream. I'm not like them, it's been too many years, we both had surgery, I've been through two losses and seen all those doctors and charted and temped and used a fertility monitor and got bloodwork and still no baby after more than three years.

So I started crying and I cried and told him that he better leave me and I just kept crying in the dark on the pillow and so I got up and I cried more, for another hour at least. Crying and blowing my nose and all that for a good long while.

When I woke up on Saturday I pulled out a journal and made a list of all the things about our fertility that are bothering me -- and cried some more. I read it to him and the rest of the day Saturday I just felt emotionally drained. Sunday I felt a bit better though.

I'm still congested from the flu and a little queasy as well. Everyone in our office has been sick. Half of them have had the stomach flu but no one has had both. I hope that I'm just feeling the remains of the same flu and its just lingering and not because I'm going to get the stomach flu as well. Oh please no.

The rest of my week

I've been taking a break from the fertility message boards this week. Lurking some as I'm still in transition form daily postings, but holding back. I have to say that it's been a good exercise and a very healthy change for me to make right now. I used to only check in on the weekends for a couple years, but after my first miscarriage I needed more support so I started posting and participating more. I've met lots of great women from all over the world and some that I've even met in person, and hopefully someday I'll meet even more.

So, since my post earlier in the week, the feeling of needing to cry continued building until Thursday afternoon after a particularly stressful situation with a client, I ended up bawling at my weekly acupuncture appointment. Sometimes a girl just has to have a good cry. I was worried about going back to work and looking like a mess but I had a meeting scheduled that I needed to get back for. I stopped by Sephora and checked myself out in the store mirrors to make sure I didn't look like hell -- not to bad actually, mostly just stuffed up and emotionally exhausted. After a slightly better day on Friday and dinner with my sister, I'm feeling less of a mess. Still I'm looking forward to a TTC break. That might mean that we don't avoid but heck if I'm going to try for anything -- well we'll see about that. But at least I'm able to shift gears, for that alone I'm pleased.

Report from the ob/gyn visit today

My appointment went well but I was really upset by the end of it, having to explain about all I've been through. The doctor was very nice though and when he saw that I was getting upset he switched over and started saying lots of consoling, positive things which was what I needed. We talked about a c-section delivery and how he would do that and I learned some about their practice. He was a little confused as to why I was seeing an RE without having fertility treatment but finally I think he got it, just circumstantial that we hadn't yet gotten to any fertility treatments. I feel like Annie in the musical, "I think I'm gonna like it here."

I dropped by my RE's office which is now on the next floor down to say hi the office staff who know me pretty well now. Still feeling upset, I decided that I wasn't ready to go in to the office so I went home and took a nap for an hour and a half (I did get up at 5:30 this morning) and then felt tired and icky after I woke up. I cooked lunch and made some passionflower tea to calm my nerves (good stuff) and realized that I was holding my muscles related to my uterus. I've been feeling crampiness like after my HSG. I think it was the PAP that set it off, probably brought back pain memories as well.

I finally got into work after 2pm. C'est la vie right?

Today's my birthday. I'm 35 now. That means that in Western medicine I'm now considered advanced maternal age. Whatever! I can't believe I'm 35 and I don't have any children. Life just pulls you along sometimes and there you are, not where you expected to be.

My partner got in the "mood" this morning so I thought why not. I don't really have any sex drive right now but that shouldn't stop everyone from having a good time. In the middle of it though I started crying, tears kept running down my cheeks. It wasn't anything in particular, just happened. I think it is everything starting with having to use a condom during BD to prevent pregnancy, yeah that's what I want to do right now. I have to manage my fertility. Why, because the rational part of me knows that my body needs a break and I need to make sure that I'm not hurting myself by throwing a possible pregnancy at my tired body right now. I need to wait. But waiting just makes things feel even less normal right now. Then there's so much else hovering. Like all the people who don't know. I feel like I'm putting up a brave face and all but I want everyone to know what hell I've been through. Hardly anyone IRL knows the challenges we've been through in our pursuit of a child. And now, losing my second pregnancy, I just want a little more love and kindness. But I don't want to have to tell them. Can't they just know?

I've continued feeling weepy all day and my right ovary is aching; I fairly feel like I'm going to explode somewhere inside. I think the crying is the hormones, probably the biggest drop in my estrogen level that I've had in a couple months as my body prepares to ovulate. I've got to just ride out the hormones, wave by wave, somehow. But mostly I just feel like I wish I didn't have to feel it at all.

Whoa.

I had acupuncture this morning and after reviewing more about my history (emotional as well as physical) she said she would like to try an acupuncture treatment called a Dragon treatment. It comes from Japan she told me and the points don't make sense in a traditional channel sense but they seem to unlock where we hold onto grief in the body. She wanted to clear out the grief from my body. I told her aside from the early weeks after this BFP where my mood lifted, that I had sadness for the better part of the past year.

She told me to ask my body to let it go, ask my mind to not fight it and if I could, to ask a higher power for help.The needle points were at the crown of my head, two just below my neck on either side of my spine, two in my lower back and two in my ankles. Then she opened the window and told me that was a part of the treatment.

She left the room and I started weeping. I lay face down on the treatment table and the room was silent. Everything was running, tears and my nose. I cried for having this happen to me. For my dead babies. For not being pregnant now. For having two, my twin angels, due within three weeks of one another. For both times being able to start planning for what was to come in my life and then to have it dashed away. I asked God to help me. Not in any particular way. Just to help me. I thought of the footprints in the sand. I thought about how my partner doesn't want to think of them as dead babies. I thought of how I had all the gushing surprise and expectancy last time though the baby seemed less real to me. This time I felt less gushing but since my fibroid was gone I felt more like there woudl be a baby at the end. I cried for having to manage my pregnancies and fertility to this degree. I didn't blame anyone though.

Next she will have me take an herbal formula but the one she wanted originally wasn't in the office so she wanted some more time to review my case and then try to come up with something that's a good fit. We're going to try to clear out any remaining stagnation from my abdomen, any blood stasis, etc. My tongue shows signs of digestive issues, I feel that as well. I'll be eating more blood building foods going forward, redoubling my efforts.

I can breathe a little better now.

It's raining, it's pouring...

After I found out about my fibroid I cried a lot. I cried for 3 days when they told me about my fibroid. I was so upset that my eyelid twitched for 3 months after that! After every doctor's appointment I had I was an emotional wreck afterwards.

A mean RE at the local university fertility clinic told us on a Friday that we needed IVF with ICSI and that we woudn't be able to conceive on our own. The next day we had to go to a wedding and someone from asked me discreetly about my fibroid (we lied and said that was what the Dr's appt was for, we didn't want any one to really know about our fertility problems) and I lost it and had to leave the wedding before the toasts. My partner couldn't get out of there as quickly for social reason so I just sat in the car and cried for 20 minutes by myself on a side street.

I had another time last spring, right after my HSG when I found out my uterus was wrapped around my fibroid and my doctor told me I should probably have the fibroid out. I went to dance class a couple days later -- surely dancing would help me feel like my body was mine again. But there was a guest instructor and when she wanted me to correct my pelvis alignment and I left the class sobbing.

Over Christmas my OB that I had made 2 months beforehand come up so I decided to get another opinion. Aside from crying the entire time in her office when I left I started sobbing in the parking garage and had to wait a long while until I was settled enough to drive.

Another time, at the beginning of the year, after yet another Dr appointment I had to leave dance class again and just cried in the hall while I waited for my partner to finish. It was all so stressful, I was unclear as to what to do, and it seemed like we would never have children without some major medical interventions.