Saturday, April 15, 2006

There are waves

I had an interesting week that I think you might be interested in. In my french class there are only three students and we're all girls and it's pretty casual. My teacher has just fallen in love and she's funny how she gushes over this new love. Another gal mentioned that she wants to TTC later on this year -- she's my age. The other day in one of the oral exercises I answered that I don't go visit my friends very often and my teacher asked why and I said b/c a bunch of them had moved away recently. She said you seem like such a nice girl... She wasn't mean but she just meant that she would have thought I would have lots of close g/fs. (Well I do but you guys are on the net and I can't easily visit you all). So I mentioned that I had hot water with my breakfast on Thursday and they acted all shocked (not coffee or tea?) and I tried to explain that it was due to having health issues and TCM. There was only one other student there that night so finally I just blurted out -- my body doesn't deal with hormones well and I've had two miscarriages and a fibroid the size of a grapefruit removed in the past two years and my friends moved away recently and it hasn't been a good time to make new friends. That went over well. They both just quieted right up. So, what I want to know is did I come across as a freak or did I just make them feel bad for being so trivial? Did I enlighten them? Should I always expect this type of reaction if I try to speak about my losses?

Then yesterday coming home on the bus I sat next to a woman with a baby, obviously sleeping under some blankets. I was feeling brave so I asked her how old her baby was and she said 3 months and she pulled back the blanket so I could see him and he was a gorgeous little thing with these lovely pouting lips. We chatted a bit more about how he was and his personality and then we went back to just riding the bus. I was glad we stopped talking b/c my eyes were starting to tear up -- I could have had an almost 3mo right now as well, but even more it just was hard in general. It was the first time I've been around a baby since my niece's birthday in February.

Last night my partner got back in town from a short business trip to Spokane, WA. We stopped at a bar on the way home and had a drink and talked. It was really nice to have his attention fully and the break from the day-to-day was good for him. At one point in the conversation I asked him how he though our losses affected him and he admitted that it did hurt him, more like the loss of a pet but not his most dear pet. He knows that losing a child would be harder than our failed pgs but it was interesting to hear him say that. I think he's a little curious about how long I want to TAB. We talked about that as well. He appreciates that for me the pg losses were both physically, spiritually and emotionally traumatic experiences and he sees that I'm afraid to get pg again for that reason.

I talked to my acu about it yesterday morning as well, about how I'm still not TTC for a variety of reasons including that it isn't a good time relative to work, that I'm not physically ready to accept the yuckiness of early pg (as much as I know of pg having done it twice), and that I am most importantly not in a good place for having another loss -- which for me at this point still feels like is a greater chance than success. Also, I'm coming up on the cycle where I conceived last year and the year before and I can't deal with adding to the pile up. Even in the absense of TTC I actually sense a tremendous apprehension about the coming months with all the bad memories of the past two years. It sucks but I need to acknowledge it and honor those feelings.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions I welcome them.

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