Little hope links

For you Crystal, for when you need them.

The Flood (even more poignant in light of the recent flooding of New Orleans)

Footprints in the Sand

Why Good Things 'Don't' Come to Those Who Wait

Should I be happy or sad?

Ah sh*t I'll just be cranky, the PMS is really doing me in this month. All the acu and herbs and diet changes and here I find myself back at square one. At least I know how to manage my stress better and I can fight my anemia a little better without the heavy periods. My breasts are killing me, I'm feeling uncharitable to say the least and I would love to just go home and sulk by myself for the rest of the day.

I also think I'm coming down with a cold -- I'm sneezing and mid-LP my immunity always plummets. My theory is that it has something to do either with the hormones or the anemia or perhaps both. Progesterone compromises your immunity slightly and then with my body devoting more blood resources to building up my endometrium this time of month maybe it just tweaks my anemia and my resistance slumps. Who knows.

I've found out in the past day that two of my fibroid sisters are pregnant now, both moving along okay so it seems. I coached both of them through the pre-myo stress and now they are going to have babies. Considering how many more women with fibroids I know online who aren't getting pregnant I should be celebrating the miracle. Me, I just feel a bit dejected. I think I would rather know that someone in a similar situation to mine was having success but still it bites a bit.

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Is anyone actually reading this blog? I get so few comments that it makes me feel like I'm a bad blogger or something. I appreciate the few of you who drop notes now and again. Thanks so much for your continued support.

Talking about it

Lately I've taken to selectively letting people know, when they ask about whether or not I've had kids that I've had two losses in the past 18 months. Rather than say "maybe" or "perhaps" I figure its better to speak the truth. It's something I've wanted to do anyway, let it out there and let others recognize it. I've also added when appropriate that we've been trying since 2002, just to let them know how long the road has been (too long).

I was on the phone with my mother last night and mentioned that we were going on vacation to some place tropical and that we might as well since we don't have kids. She responded in a way that sounded negatively to me, like I was lame or not trying hard enough to have kids. I think it is just her own disappointment at not having grandkids to spoil but it felt a bit selfish and mean to me. It was probably due to what I said, though you know that hidden behind that cavelier phrase is a lot of pain and agony over the same subject.

If my mother only knew that basically my heart is broken and that Christmas feels oddly hollow to me this year. That psychologically I'm bracing myself for the fun weeks ahead in January and February when I get to live through my EDDs of my two dead babies. That I'm in the middle of my luteal phase and trying not to think about it, about how my sore breasts mean nothing, how my period will show up again -- that my body feels like a punishment to me right now. Maybe if she knew she would be a little nicer. But who wants to go into that level of depressing details with me, no probably not even my mother.

Fatigued

I know I'm out of shape, since with the miscarriages and surgery and anemia my body was feeling like hell; and then my back was terribly out of alignment as well so that caused further reasons to not want to move. I've been taking my iron for months to try to build up my iron stores but now I need to start dragging my butt out to get it moving to start gaining some more strength and endurance. Also, aerobic activity helps to promote the production of more red blood cells so provided my iron stores are closer to a normal range it should help build my blood oxygen in many ways.

I went skiing yesterday for the first time since 1989. Yes that's right, I haven't been downhill skiing since the 80's. In addition to my known fatigue I also knew that my muscles are a little weaker so I had to pay attention to how tired I was to make sure that I wouldn't injure myself by overdoing it. I only did four runs down the mountain before I finally fell (only once all day!) and decided that it was time to rest. My partner and friend went back out in the afternoon but I just rested in the lodge. On the way back home I was falling asleep in the car (unusual for me) and I went to bed at eight-o'clock and slept for eleven hours. How's that for fatigue?

Here are some links about fatigue that I found:

Fatigue: When to rest, when to worry

Anemia and Fatigue

Anemia Symptoms

Puzzled by fatigue: what can I do when my doctor says my lethargy is caused by stress and that there's nothing wrong with me? … and more of your questions answered here

Precaution Can Be the Best Remedy for Skiing Injuries

Fertility Symbols, Charms and Folklore

Sometimes you get so desperate that you start to look for folk cures for infertility. It's not like trying to conceive is anywhere near a scientific experience as doctors make out anyway. From stupid rituals like putting your butt on pillows after BD to pregnant women avoiding women who have miscarriages, it's all a lot of superstition that surrounds and weaves through the fertility process. So, why stop with basel temp taking when you can wear a rabbit charm and it might even make you feel better. Whatever keeps you going.

Fertility Charms from GoodLuckBoutique.com

Meanings of symbols & designs used in Native American arts & crafts

Fertility Symbols T-shirts from Materni-Tees

Fertility Folklore

Patron Saints against sterility or barrenness

Alternative Infertility Therapies -- Bach Flower Essences and Color

Hirsutism (Abnormal Hairiness in Women)

Here are a few links I've collected about Hirsutism, a common condition of abnormal hair growth for women with PCOS but there are other conditions associated with it as well. The key thing is that usually the woman's body is producing too many androgens (male hormones, in particular testosterone) due to some sort of hormonal imbalance.

Hisurtism (eMedicine)

Evaluation of Excessive Hair Growth (Hirsutism)

Hirsutism - Causes and treatments

Hirsutism and hyperandrogenism in women

The blood runs down
over my knees and ankles
large splashes of angry color
and mean pains.
The pool of crimson grows and grows
until it covers the earth;
there is nothing left in me,
I drown the world.

I am a flower pot that holds no soil
I poured out of me, so much
that which was meant to grow.
It all goes away and takes me;
there is less and even less of me;
a deficit really.
Call it hope if you must,
but to me it just feels like
I've been turned inside out.

Each baby is stolen from me
who are these witches?
They sneak up on you, like the fairies
and steal the babies
and not just their breath
like the cats can do.
They leave me empty and the emptiness only grows.

Or do they chase them away from me,
just as they were getting settled
like little birds flying in the November sky.

When I think of it
I made space in my life for
your coming, so many months.
You came, both of you
like fleeting sparks
Was that all?

In time
I can find a place
for the things I gathered to
welcome and warm you to the world
but never will there be
another place for
the indelible impression
you have left on my being.

There are grooves
running through me
like marks of a dogs teeth
on my bones
never totally healed

Memory remains in strands
of my hair, in my nails
the crevices on the back of my hands.

A little more worn, a little tired.

Infertility/Miscarriage Grief and the Holidays

I've been still going through a lot emotionally right now -- I don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore, and just the morning I realized that knowing that I was going to be around family (my partner's family) this weekend was really starting to stress me out. I don't really know if he told them or not about our second loss (I keep getting vague answers so it makes me think no) and I don't like feeling like there might be comments made about our fertility -- when I'm trying so hard to deal with the stress of the infertility as it is. Ya know?

I found a few links that I thought might be of help, we should all take time to read them and make sure we are doing what we can to protect and prepare ourselves as we go through the next few weeks.

Managing the holidays

What Can I Do to Get Through the Holidays?

Coping with the Holidays (RESOLVE)

Dealing with Infertility in the Holiday Season

Dealing with the holidays after a miscarriage

When Grief Comes Home for the Holidays

Silent Grief - lots of articles, though I didn't see any ones specifically about the holidays.

The short list of things to rule out

Still working on taking my break. Aside from marking down my period on my charting program and taking my first temp of the cycle (just to make sure it dropped appropriately) I haven't been charting or temping this cycle. Feels a little liberating.

I was talking to my partner the other day, and I told him that I feel as though there is something fundamentally wrong with our fertility -- though I don't know what it is. I see gals with fibroids getting pregnant on enough boards to know that fibroids alone aren't necessarily the only thing that causes infertility, though I know enough post myo gals to know that lots of them are having similar experiences to mine as well.

I've probably done this before but here's my list of things that might be possibly impacting our fertility without going out on too much of a tangent.

FEMALE	MALE
Anemia - low ferritin Low Progesterone	SCSA - sperm DNA fragmentation Repeat semen analysis (#8?)

I don't want to go in for a consult right now as that would make me cry and I'm trying to not put myself in situations like that right now. I called over to my favorite assistant at the RE's office and asked her to see about my getting my ferritin rechecked (since all evidence I've found online indicates that a level less than 40 can impair fertility) and a pooled progesterone test.

I can get the ferritin done at a lab, totally innocuous and generic place that I've been to before -- I think that will be less emotionally loaded for me. As it turns out the lab is way faster than the hospital lab was the last time I had it checked. I've heard that you can get your blood work done whereever -- and particularly for standard tests, as many hospitals and clinics are sending their lab work out of state because it's better for them, you as the patient might want to intervene and make sure that those cost-savings are yours or at least you are getting the benefit of the quick local turn-around. My ferritin test in July took about 3 weeks to get back. This lab can get it within a day or so -- they run the ferritin tests daily.

Then the pooled progesterone test, the assistant told me that my RE said that she didn't think that a pooled progesterone test was indicated by our infertility but that if I wanted to do it she would order it. I explained to the assistant that I had seen other REs, specifically as my first RE left the state, and that one RE in particular thought that I would need progesterone support on any cycle I was to conceive and that all of my progesterone tests had been on the low side. She said that was why working with more than one RE was difficult as they would of course have differing opinions. Still, I was welcome to do it if I felt like it would be helpful to me -- and evidently the other RE working in the same practice as my RE does do them frequently. I told the assistant that I would probably wait until the new year but at least I've gotten that sorted out.

So, I've got an RE not on the up and up with progesterone -- or rather definately not in the progesterone camp. Is that enough to consider working with someone else? Or should I just stick with her and just demand the care that would make me feel more secure -- particularly if I get pregnant again -- such as weekly progesterone draws until I'm out of the danger zone? Why does it have to be this difficult?

Then for all my spinning of wheels, it might not be me, it could still be the poor sperm morphology that's challenging things. Ugh, but with all that blood loss last June from the last miscarriage and how awful I felt subsequently, plus a couple of cycles that don't make sense (did something happen but not take hold?) I should at least rule out the impact my anemia might be having.

BFN

That's Big Fat Negative for you who are not yet indoctrinated into the web fertility acronyms. I bought a test this morning as my temps had been rising the past three days, not to the stellar 98.6 temp that has shown up when I'm pregnant, just back up to 98.3 from a low of 97.8 (below coverline). It was so very negative that test, it's the kind that you just keep staring at and hoping that something is going to come from the nothingness but then it stares back at you blankly.

I called my acupuncturist's office and cancelled my last two schedule appointments. I'm now waiting for Aunt Flo and starting my psychological break from trying to conceive. We'll see how I'm feeling in the new year I think, then probably go back in to see the RE.

I hate this time of the cycle

Actually I've gotten to where I hate most times during my cycle, though honestly Amy period is at least old hat at this point (after 21 years in September!). I'm grouchy at ovulation, I'm moody during my luteal phase, even the pre-ovulatory time of month can get my goat. I think that it's always been this way but I didn't know so much about what was going on with my hormonal system -- is it really this good to be so in tune with one's hormonal fluctuations.

At any rate I'm at 11dpo today and yesterday my basel temp dipped below my coverline (how's that for jargon for your non sympto-thermal charters) and then this morning I had a wee little temp rise again but only by a few degrees (97.8 to 98.0 -- actually my temp was 98.1 overnight but then it dropped by 6:30 this morning). So I'm straddling something vaguely interesting again, part of me wanting it to be something and a lot of me knowing that I may well get my period by the end of the week.

I have no home pregnancy tests at home at any rate, my friend told me to wait until I had a couple days of temps after the rise and then to see. I live and work within walking distance of six drugstores so if I want one I can get one any time. By the way, I hate buying pregnancy tests, especially when the checkout person is a guy. They sort of search your face for a moment and try to figure out if you are testing because you hope you are or if you hope you are not. For me though, I feel both things at the same time -- at it all feels incredibly emotionally loaded to me either way. At least when you buy sanitary napkins they will usually look away, not trying to draw attention to the feminine hygiene products.

There's just no winning.

About Home Pregnancy Tests

These are great to refer to when you are trying to figure out which test to buy, when to test, etc.

Pregnancy Test Sensitivity and Early-Detection Testing

Home Pregnancy Test hCG Levels and FAQ

Peeonastick.com - The Secret of the Digital

Pregancy and Ovulation Testing Tips

Pregnancy Test - Sensitivity Comparison

Home Pregancy Test Information

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About Implantation and Early Pregnancy

Want to know what's going on in there, here are some sites and resources that I've found informative.

Visembryo -- a great site to see pregancy development through all the stages

Life's Greatest Miracle (PBS-NOVA) -- Movie files showing stages of development from conception and embryological development to delivery

MedCalc: Pregnancy Wheel -- interactive pregnancy wheel like those used in doctors offices

Fertilization and Implantation (Very Early Pregnancy)

Pregnancy Diagnosis

Concerns regarding Early Fetal Development

Female reproductive system Implantation and formation of placenta

Implantation Bleeding

Implantation Diagram -- nice

Timing of Intercourse, Ovulation and Conception

Causes of Bleeding in the First Trimester

Researchers Discover How Embryo Attaches to the Uterus

Specialized Ultrasound Screening Can Be Key to Predicting Implantation Odds

IVIg for ART and Implantation Failure Controversy

Pregnancy Week by Week: First Trimester

Pregnant women 'starved of information' (I think this one came from Aliza)

Posting Pregnancy Information Posts

I've thought about posting pregnancy information posts with links I've gathered over the past 3-1/2 years. I was sort of holding out, hoping that I would get to post them in relationship to my own pregnancies or something but I'd rather put them out there so they can help others. So, stay tuned and watch for posts about implantation, post-partum, pre-term labor, breastfeeding, birth plans, cloth diapering, etc. Lots of links I've been bookmarking from all over, and with lots of grateful thanks to those who posted the information to the web so that I could link to them and we all can learn from them.

cheers.

The rest of my week

I've been taking a break from the fertility message boards this week. Lurking some as I'm still in transition form daily postings, but holding back. I have to say that it's been a good exercise and a very healthy change for me to make right now. I used to only check in on the weekends for a couple years, but after my first miscarriage I needed more support so I started posting and participating more. I've met lots of great women from all over the world and some that I've even met in person, and hopefully someday I'll meet even more.

So, since my post earlier in the week, the feeling of needing to cry continued building until Thursday afternoon after a particularly stressful situation with a client, I ended up bawling at my weekly acupuncture appointment. Sometimes a girl just has to have a good cry. I was worried about going back to work and looking like a mess but I had a meeting scheduled that I needed to get back for. I stopped by Sephora and checked myself out in the store mirrors to make sure I didn't look like hell -- not to bad actually, mostly just stuffed up and emotionally exhausted. After a slightly better day on Friday and dinner with my sister, I'm feeling less of a mess. Still I'm looking forward to a TTC break. That might mean that we don't avoid but heck if I'm going to try for anything -- well we'll see about that. But at least I'm able to shift gears, for that alone I'm pleased.

Your Birthdate: July 10

Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations. You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you. Mundane tasks tend to drain you - you prefer to be making great plans. You are quite original. When people don't "get" you, it bothers you a lot. Your strength: Your ability to gain respect Your weakness: Caring too much what others think Your power color: Orange-red Your power symbol: Letter X Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Interesting...