Empty Arms

An online acquaintance (Zuzu) created this beautiful and sad movie about infertility that you should experience. It is deeply moving and perhaps it helps to express how you are feeling, or if you are someone who hasn't experienced infertility, maybe it can help you understand a little more.

Empty Arms

The rest of my week

I've been taking a break from the fertility message boards this week. Lurking some as I'm still in transition form daily postings, but holding back. I have to say that it's been a good exercise and a very healthy change for me to make right now. I used to only check in on the weekends for a couple years, but after my first miscarriage I needed more support so I started posting and participating more. I've met lots of great women from all over the world and some that I've even met in person, and hopefully someday I'll meet even more.

So, since my post earlier in the week, the feeling of needing to cry continued building until Thursday afternoon after a particularly stressful situation with a client, I ended up bawling at my weekly acupuncture appointment. Sometimes a girl just has to have a good cry. I was worried about going back to work and looking like a mess but I had a meeting scheduled that I needed to get back for. I stopped by Sephora and checked myself out in the store mirrors to make sure I didn't look like hell -- not to bad actually, mostly just stuffed up and emotionally exhausted. After a slightly better day on Friday and dinner with my sister, I'm feeling less of a mess. Still I'm looking forward to a TTC break. That might mean that we don't avoid but heck if I'm going to try for anything -- well we'll see about that. But at least I'm able to shift gears, for that alone I'm pleased.

To a woman wanting to try the natural route with a large fibroid...

I tried the natural route and had some success with acupuncture and chinese medicine. But, when I did finally get pregnant my fibroid doubled in size. You think you are uncomfortable now, just wait as 80% of fibroids will grow during pregnancy.

I really think you should have it out, as scary as that might seem. After they get larger than 4cm they have a hard time getting rid of them through alternative therapy, though I'm sure there are exceptions. It is only because you are already uncomfortable that I'm telling you to have a myo, not every woman with fibroids has ones large enough, or positioned in way that set them out on a bad footing for pregnancy and yours sounds like mine.

I had mine removed in November and it was the size of a grapefruit (ack!) It is a big relief to have the fibroid out of there. Just the psychological stress of managing this fibroid that was going to keep doing its thing was a big burden. When I thought about getting pregnant with it in place again I just about had a panic attack, it was really uncomfortable and mine didn't have any degeneration.

I wish they would give out MRIs more easily as I think if I had seen how it was really positioned I might have had the surgery sooner. My fibroid was located right up against, but not engaging with, the endometrium. I don't regret waiting though since my miscarriage experience helped prepare me mentally for the surgery.

Here are some quotes from Johanna Skilling's book Fibroids about how fibroids can contribute to infertility:

"If a fibroid causes a miscarriage it's more likely to happen in the first or second trimester; in fact, fibroids can cause miscarriage so early on, you migh not even realize you are pregnant. Later in pregnancy, fibroids tend to cause pain or preterm contractions rather than miscarriage"

"How can fibroids cause miscarriage?...either by distorting the uterine cavity or by altering the blood flow that would normally be needed to nourish the growing fetus."

"Fibroids can release chemicals called prostaglandins, the hormone that triggers pain...Prostaglandins can also induce contractions of smooth-muscle tissue"

"...the cells of a fibroid divide faster than the "normal" cells in your body...This rapid cell division can trigger a response from your immune system--sending the body's natural defenses to try to deal with the perceived invader. This reaction is bad news for another "alien" in your body -- your fertilized egg."