The blood runs down
over my knees and ankles
large splashes of angry color
and mean pains.
The pool of crimson grows and grows
until it covers the earth;
there is nothing left in me,
I drown the world.

I am a flower pot that holds no soil
I poured out of me, so much
that which was meant to grow.
It all goes away and takes me;
there is less and even less of me;
a deficit really.
Call it hope if you must,
but to me it just feels like
I've been turned inside out.

Each baby is stolen from me
who are these witches?
They sneak up on you, like the fairies
and steal the babies
and not just their breath
like the cats can do.
They leave me empty and the emptiness only grows.

Or do they chase them away from me,
just as they were getting settled
like little birds flying in the November sky.

When I think of it
I made space in my life for
your coming, so many months.
You came, both of you
like fleeting sparks
Was that all?

In time
I can find a place
for the things I gathered to
welcome and warm you to the world
but never will there be
another place for
the indelible impression
you have left on my being.

There are grooves
running through me
like marks of a dogs teeth
on my bones
never totally healed

Memory remains in strands
of my hair, in my nails
the crevices on the back of my hands.

A little more worn, a little tired.

Pregnancy and infant loss in the news

I just wanted to make note of an observation I had while watching the news today. Both the case of the murder-kidnapping of that fetus as well as a big arson case in Maryland have suspects who are dealing with pregnancy and infant loss. It sort of points out to me the great anger, grief and confusion that losing babies causes; and the lack of something to help people cope with their loss.

The suspect in the arson lost a baby at the beginning of the year and said something to authorities that the person who lit the fires likely had suffered a great loss. If it is true he did this and the two instances are related I can only imagine how hard the past year has been for him -- not excusing the actions though.

And the murder-kidnapping suspect, going from murder to parading the infant around the next day. The fact that her family didn't know it wasn't hers, that she had a pg loss and then was able to convince them that it must have been a mistake...while what she did was awful and macabre, it is just an extreme action paralling the extreme confusion and grief that pregnancy loss can do. It's almost like the very bad and black thoughts overtook her.

It seems we need to do more to help support people experiencing pregnancy and infant loss -- yeah there are crazy people out there, but if there was a better understanding of what people go through when they experience this kind of loss maybe there will be less anger, hurt and depression and more healing.

Perhaps I'm rambling, I just needed to get that out.

Miscarriage Factoid

I had a miscarriage in July, actually it was more like an abortion since my body didn't miscarry on its own. Having seen the dark side I would like to share some information with you that you probably don't know.

Miscarriages are not like in the movies, over in one scene. They take time, they are painful, and recovery takes weeks if not months. Also, miscarriages are really awful and anguishing. I used to think when I heard about someone's miscarriage "oh that's so sad". To go through one is a 4-dimensional experience of hell and enlightenment. It's more than sad. To the pregnant mother her baby, this idea of baby or embryo or fetus, it died. It doesn't matter that something was wrong with the pregnancy, we have really strong instincts to take care of our young and being pregnant is no different. Even if you couldn't see the baby it was still there and it died along with the idea of being a mother, your new family and all the planning and changes that one would have to make in preparing for the baby's arrival.

If you hear about someone having a miscarriage you need to reach out to that person and at least say you are sorry for their loss, no different than if you heard that someone's parent died. Don't start trying to think of things beyond that such as "it was for the best", "it wasn' t your time" or "it's God's will" -- you don't know and those things aren't helpful. Things you can do are send flowers or drop them off yourself, send cards or letters of condolence. Don't expect the greiving mother to take phone calls, it is really hard to talk on the phone I've found when you can't stop sobbing.

Also, the pregnancy might have ended but that pregnancy has marked time for the mother and father. The due date is supposed to be a difficult time, any other events one had imagined from clothing or furniture shopping to holidays are reminders of the non-pregnant state, that baby that isn't coming. Keep your love and support coming if you can, it is greatly appreciated.

I'll do a separate posting about what to do if you are having a miscarriage or are helping someone through the actual physical process.

Between a fibroid and a hard place

I've been on this long journey over the past 2 1/2 years. I went from not being ready to get pregnant, panicked about the thought of it, to where I am today which is still recovering emotionally from the loss of my first pregnancy.

Along the way it hasn't been easy, I found out I have a large tumor in my uterus which is called a fibroid. It is benign but they don't really go away on their own. It may be compromising my fertility but the only treatment offered to me was to have major abdominal surgery to have it out which could cause pelvic adhesions which could really compromise my fertility. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't (I'm beginning to notice that theme in my life...hmmmm...)

My fibroid and I are having our second anniversary this week since we first met. Maybe I'll bake a cake. I have not named my fibroid though I know women who have. And I only have the one, I'm monogamous when it comes to uterine fibroids.

At any rate I've done a lot of research into male and female fertility, hormones, supplements, diet, lifestyle, and a ton about fibroids and other gynecological conditions and I'd like to share with you what I have learned. I do think there is more than one way to skin this cat and I hope you find my research worthwhile.

(This was my very first post here.)

In His Grace

Ecstasy.
In His grace.
Something important in store for me.
My closest hour.

The watch wheels spin slowly
the sky turns electric blue, or turquoise
a color really that no words can hold.

The pineapple and the family tree
take sudden shape
from here springs all life.

In the rays of sun, from my front porch
I could touch the stars.
It is completely silent and
the world around me has turned
vivid warm shades.
I catch my breath and pull closer,
the heat penetrates me.
I need to be in the light;
indoors I feel a chill across my skin,
it creeps and is unfriendly.
I go into the light.

I decide that Joan of Arc
had a miscarriage and that was why
they killed her.
And Morrissey, he doesn't actually like
gladiolas
he just tells people that so when
they come at him with flowers
it just reminds him of the fact
that they don't know him at all.
How clever he is.

I tried laying in the bed, on the cloth sheets
settling down, taking a rest
surely I had something to do with it.
I turn, I bend, I contort.
There is no relief.
Please let it stop.

I drink red wine and eat chocolate;
chocolate might be able to keep the pain at bay.
I make tea, hot passionflower tea,
so named in memory of Jesus's crown of thorns.
The tea is soothing some and the pain calms for
a couple of hours.

The doctor said take ibuprofen
was he kidding me?
It is like my uterus is trying to rub itself clean.
Pain radiates from below my ribcage
half way down my thighs.
That is more than half my body mass I think.
More wine, I need more wine
and heat, but I'm not allowed to bathe.
A hot water bottle, a red rubber vessel,
becomes my most prized possesion
filled to the top with hot water.

I breathe deeply,
isn't that what women do?
But breathing is for putting out babies
and there is no baby here
just a cruel test drive
a fire drill
an exception.

Except that God wants me close
closer than ever before; he needs me
to be strong, so strong
I'm not strong enough.
But his rays wrap around me
the growing light and love
I'm not alone, why I'm not sure
and no, it wasn't so clear right then
but I'm sure of it now.

God's children die for our sins
and mine, yes mine too
but not any more than anyone else's
and my baby didn't even come
it wasn't time yet, not our time.
Will it be soon?

So Many Days

I am a waterfall, the weight which pulls down constantly;
a fork, its tines twisted and useless;
a witch wanting to take babies from their mothers
because everyone should know how empty I feel.
I am like Scotland, rubbed raw of her Caledonian forests;
a bird frantically wanting to make nests;
an old teacup with a rotten egg.

I want to be hope on the horizon of a distant ship;
a comfort to those at my breast;
all daisies and dragonflies.
I wait, I count days, so many days

Crazy. I just got off the phone with my 95 year old aunt. My family is back East and I haven't really been in a good place to talk about what has happened with my pregnancy. I sent email and hoped that my parents could pick up the slack.

My aunt didn't know, somehow she missed the email. I think she was calling me because she was excited. She started telling me about the loss of her only child, stillborn, some 70 year ago. She also lost her husband, and her best friend died towards the end of her pregnancy -- all within the same year. I'd heard this story before but not from her. When we finished talking I could tell she was crying. I feel so terrible for her suffering, and for bringing back bad memories.

I'm having a bad day today so I stayed at home. I was dreaming about the d&c scheduled for Monday and I woke up feeling very emotional and out of sorts. Monday my procedure is scheduled for noon, no food after midnight, only clear liquids until 5:30 AM or so and then I'll be on a fast. I can only imagine how crappy I will feel post procedure since I'll still have the HCG in my system -- and that seems to be what makes me puky/hungry all the time.

I don't know what to do except pray for all the lost babies and for their mothers.