Thursday, December 08, 2005

Talking about it

Lately I've taken to selectively letting people know, when they ask about whether or not I've had kids that I've had two losses in the past 18 months. Rather than say "maybe" or "perhaps" I figure its better to speak the truth. It's something I've wanted to do anyway, let it out there and let others recognize it. I've also added when appropriate that we've been trying since 2002, just to let them know how long the road has been (too long).

I was on the phone with my mother last night and mentioned that we were going on vacation to some place tropical and that we might as well since we don't have kids. She responded in a way that sounded negatively to me, like I was lame or not trying hard enough to have kids. I think it is just her own disappointment at not having grandkids to spoil but it felt a bit selfish and mean to me. It was probably due to what I said, though you know that hidden behind that cavelier phrase is a lot of pain and agony over the same subject.

If my mother only knew that basically my heart is broken and that Christmas feels oddly hollow to me this year. That psychologically I'm bracing myself for the fun weeks ahead in January and February when I get to live through my EDDs of my two dead babies. That I'm in the middle of my luteal phase and trying not to think about it, about how my sore breasts mean nothing, how my period will show up again -- that my body feels like a punishment to me right now. Maybe if she knew she would be a little nicer. But who wants to go into that level of depressing details with me, no probably not even my mother.

No comments: