spot.spot.spot.
when's it gonna
stop.stop.stop?

My temp went down to a new low of 97.3 F this morning, a nice pre-ovulatory temp if I ever did see one. I don't get lower temps than that, if I did it would mean there was something wrong with me.

I can't wait until AF shows so that my system will be fully cleaned out. Hopefully then I'll slide back into a normal temp.

I did qigong while I was camping and it was so weird, I could feel my deficiencies. Earlier this year I could feel my liver qi excess and stagnation, this time it felt kind of empty. My heart qi was weak and on Monday morning my Spleen qi was deficient. I'm not feeling any excess, just deficiency. I've got to keep my practice up.

I've got acupuncture tomorrow AM (not today like I thought) and hopefully things will be ticking along better than normal soon enough.

doing better.

My hives went away after I left the office early yesterday afternoon. I guess all that repressed emotion had to come out somewhere. I picked up some Rescue Remedy at the natural health store and had some when I got home.

I didn't feel like cooking at all. I put some potatoes on the stove to boil and finally my partner agreed that he would cook if I would please doing some painting, we're finishing some renovations at home. So I painted and thought about Scarlett and Lisa and wondered how she was doing. (I know her in passing). We ate dinner and my appetite had come back finally so that was a good sign. I had a little bit of a hard time going to sleep again last night but nothing the lavendar eye mask and some ear plugs couldn't fix. My nervous system has been a little overstimulated lately plus all these hormonal changes ya know?)

I'm still spotting lightly and having light cramps but mostly things are settling down a bit. I took one of my fertility monitor tests this morning and both lines came up so I've still got some good beta going in my system (LH predictors will show up positive as well for beta HCG in case you didn't know).

I'm glad I don't feel like hell and hopefully I can just start looking forward to our next try. The best try ever.

Last night I was so tired and not hungry. I ate a small dinner my partner cooked for me (he's trying so hard) and then after a while I was exhausted and went to bed at 9:00pm. I was emotionally exhausted and completed uncomfortable. I was having cramps and feeling awful in no particular way. I used a hot water bottle because I was so freezing and couldn't get warm. I used my lavendar eye mask for a while but then I started crying. Eventually I passed out asleep and had weird dreams. I dreamt about my sister and a doberman and Christmas at my parents and the Girl Scout house where I grew up with my two employees who just quit doing a religious ceremony. I woke up this morning covered in sweat and it's cold here (60 degrees).

I have a cough and post nasal drip today. I've got hives on my face, neck and shoulders that are itching me. My eyes feel a bit puffy and coming in to work I kept getting misty.

I am grief.

I had my scan this morning. I did indeed pass the gestational sac and whatever. There is still something higher up in my uterus and I'm feeling some cramping still today; my RE thought it might be some clots that I needed to pass. I'm not convinced but whatever it is I want it out of me.

I am tired and grouchy today, even before I went in for my scan. There was a slow driver in front of me as I went to park to go to the clinic and I yelled at her out of my open window to "Drive!" and she said "I'm driving". I thought to myself, "get out of my way so I can go and get a scan showing that my uterus is empty of my dead baby now," oh if that woman only knew.

They were behind schedule at the clinic and I did see the RE and not a nurse but it took a while. I read some magazines while in the operatory waiting with that paper thing across my lap. I read about how to redecorate your summer porch with wicker furniture and day beds. I also read about how some director of an upcoming Nicole Kidman movie (something called The Translator?) hates to direct. Or how this guy changes out his plants in his window boxes four times a year and they were showing how lovely the coleus was looking.

The RE asked me after my scan how I was doing and reminded me to come back in for a consult in a few weeks. She was trying to be nice but I wanted to not be having this experience, not to have people wondering how I'm holding up or feeling bad for me.

How do I feel? I feel like crap still and I wish someone would come cook for me. The house is a mess and I need cleaning help. My ovaries ache, I have those cramps, I feel like crying and I hate all the women who are pregnant now and didn't have to experience yet another scan showing that their pregnancy didn't develop right. I want to pretend that none of this happened. I don't want to have doctors and acupuncturists hoving over me this next time but I believe that I'll need it in order to actually do this pregnancy thing. My partner says that he's glad that I'm not all big and pregnant and that he gets to hang out with me for a while longer. We're going camping next weekend and I can't wait. I need to get the f*ck out of here.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

The RE wants me to wait out the weekend then go in for an ultrasound on Monday morning before deciding to do drugs or a d&c. Okay, I'm all right with waiting a little longer. I don't want a freaking d&c.

I thought I might be lucky enough to move it out last night but nope. That feeling of nausea and pressure must have been something else, or else the upper part of my cervix was trying to grab at the tissue and wasn't having any luck. I have the occasional cramp now and again but mostly my uterus is quiet.

We had a work party last night out and were out on the town. The streets of Capitol Hill were teaming with people, probably due to it being the end of the school year/start of summer and gay pride weekend. Whatever the reason I liked it as I got to just be another person having a good time.

While at this one bar one of my coworker's wives asked me if my partner and I planned on having kids. I told her that we'd see how things went, my typical vague answer which leaves people thinking that yes we are interested in having kids and might actually be trying now or in the near future. Then she told me that they had started trying and that she had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. So I decided to tell her about mine, the last one some people at the office knew about (due to one blabbermouth who no longer works with us) but this time no one knew. I figured that it was okay to tell her though and even if she tells her husband as I suspect she wll it's okay, sometimes it is good for people to know this stuff about you. Especially since I didn't much miss a beat at work (as far as anyone knew).

This morning I have a little hangover and maybe that wasn't the best idea considering my weakened condition right now but I kind of needed the time out and it was fun.

I'm going in for an ultrasound in the morning. I don't believe I passed any tissue, the so-called Products of Conception, over the weekend. When I called the nurse she wanted me to come in sooner rather than later. From last time I know that you can have retained tissue for a while without any problem. From other women who have gone through miscarriage I know that there is a real risk of infection. They said they might want to do a procedure tomorrow. I so don't want that. There is always the possibility of using medications to try to bring on contractions again, but who knows how long that will take. It's hard to be discreet about these things when you are dealing with nature and nature takes its own good time.

I spoke to my mother today and told her about it. First I sent her an email after she sent me a nagging one about not calling for Father's Day. I just was blunt about it, no details or anything. We talked and she was okay about it. I don't know why she was this time and not last time. Maybe it is because I've already been there and she knows it. Maybe because she has already seen me wounded. I told her maybe third time's a charm. She said that is what happened for her. I wish we didn't have so much in common.

If I can get my miscarriage to be resolved I could try to go visit her this weekend. The next two weekends after that we are busy and then it is the middle of July. She's going to start her radiation therapy and she would like to see me while she still has energy. Though isn't it ironic that I won't have any. I can't win at this game.

I'm so beat. It's like the life has been drained out of me. I woke up today at 5am to a flooding sensation and then went through hours of passing large clots and having awful pains. I still haven't passed any tissue though (argh!)

I was bleeding so much that in spite of using a cold pack and taking 1000mg of vitamin C there was no stemming the flow. I talked to my partner about how we would know if I needed to go to the hospital, it was pretty scary for a while. I took a shower around 8am (?) and it looks like that shower scene from the movie Psycho for a while. After a while longer sitting up with intense pains I started getting sleepy and so I went upstairs and fell asleep for several hours. When I awoke the bleeding was less. I sat on the couch all day and knitted.

This evening we went over to see my niece and nephew as they are going out of town for a couple of weeks. It was a good break from all the torment of the weekend but I'm absolutely wiped now.

I've got some proposals due for work that I can't get around so I'll just have to push on through and then make up with more rest and shorter days during the week.

It's been such a different experience this time around, I think last time was punctuated by needing an abortion (d&c) to get rid of the failed pregnancy while my hormones were still high and that was immensely difficult for my body to deal with. This time things waned and while I'm sad a bit it's much more okay, I can manage.

I didn't call my father for Father's Day though. Last year I called him on Father's Day to tell him that he was going to be a grandpa and then that was dashed a few weeks later. I was feeling so drained that I knew that I would have to say something of why (or at least I would want to) and I just couldn't bear to pass on that sadness today. Not on this same freaking holiday.

We've talked some about when we will try again. I'm feeling like August might be a good time, give my body a chance to recover hormonally. We'll see how it goes in the coming weeks.

It started finally. I woke up around 4:30 this morning to some cramping and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding. The cramps got stronger after that so I couldn't go back to sleep so I'm up watching a moving on cable with my hot water bottle against my lower back.

I have my last drawing class of the session today but I don't think I will be going. It's not a good time with these cramps all.

At least it is the weekend.

I think this is going to be easier this time around. My hormones have been dropping I believe for the past two weeks so it won't be such a dramatic dive as the d&c caused last time. I'm thankful for small blessings.

I'm still a bit crampy at work, but mostly it is like bad menstrual cramps. It isn't the kind of cramps that take your breath away. They still might come, usually it is when the cervix starts to dialiate that you feel those and some nausea (it would happen when I was passing clots from heavy menstrual bleeding as well).

I feel a little spacey and tired and I have a bit of a headache. In the center of my head. Maybe it is my hypothalmus or something getting adjusted.

Cramps, cramps and more cramps

The cramps started yesterday evening with increased spotting. Still nothing that dramatic, no bleeding yet. I slept with a hot water bottle to help alleviate some of the discomfort. I feel a bit relieved that things appear to be moving along on their own though dealing with the bad pain and bleeding which is almost inevitably in my future during a busy work week when we are short staffed and have numerous deadlines isn't much fun.

I'm sipping passionflower tea this morning, it's a nerve tonic and hopefully it will help calm the cramping a bit so I can function at work. I've been trying to figure out which is better to drive to work or to take the bus. They take almost the same amount of time but one I have control over and the other I don't though if I take the bus I can always take a taxi home if I don't feel like driving. Blah.