Thursday, January 26, 2006

And It All Comes Rushing Back

Sick and twisted girl that I am, dropped by the records department for the hospital/clinic to see what I was missing so I wouldn't have to pay $20 for getting a whole lot of chicken scratch. I've got most of the information already and just wanted the bits that I was missing. Instead what happened was that I got to sit around with my file and relive the first miscarriage and my surgery. How I was able to stand w/o dizziness after the first d&c (they check this stuff for patient release post procedure); how I was "pleasant", walking around, or having "tea colored" urine after my surgery. All these details came into sharp focus in my mind again: the color of the tile floor, calling for help with the PCA pump, sitting on the toilet trying to pee and having nothing come out after they first took out the catheter and the anxious voices behind the door. All the little notes they made, the nurses and doctors and patholgist too, and I felt like I was swimming in memories that my mind had put away for safe keeping, or rather to protect me from them. While I walked quickly and confidently to the office building after work, after picking through the file I left in a daze. And even more frustrating is that there isn't really any good information to be had from my second m/c. There was no pathology done, just blood work and some scans. I felt partly like there might be answers in that thick file and partly that it was sad that there weren't.

On the way home I dropped by to visit my friend, the one who was close to divorce a few months ago (and had a miscarriage a year ago). She's been diagnosed as bi-polar and is on lithium now. She's having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the meds and finally some of the mania she was experiencing is starting to dissolve and so she can remember things a little clearer. We talked a bit about how crazy it was that it was four years later and I was still talking about TTC. For now babymaking plans are totally on hold until they figure out which end is up.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

How I wish I could go there and take you for a cup of tea. I don't think it's sick or twisted that you are looking for more information. It makes perfect sense. The more you know, the better prepared you may be for the next step you take.

I'm sorry that the quest for information turned into an unhappy rewind of the past.

I do think though, that moving on to an RE is a good step. Hang in there Ann - it's so hard to know what the future may hold.

Hugs to you -