Monday, December 19, 2005

The Boo-hoos Caught Up With Me

Yeah so I'm not invincible. Finally Friday night, when my partner came home from visiting with friends I erupted. Two of his friends are currently TTC with their girlfriends and finally he has guys to talk about it with. But for all his enthusiasm it's been an anguishing time for me personally, what with the miscarriages and anemia and all. I hate feeling like he's just lumping us in with these other women who have just started trying, even though I know enough about them to know that they both have infertility issues (a 21-day cycle for one and fibroids and a miscarriage for the other). He comes back from hanging and talks about how he told them about how I chart and all that and how so-and-so's girlfriend wouldn't do that because it would make her obsess too much. It just makes me want to scream. I'm not like them, it's been too many years, we both had surgery, I've been through two losses and seen all those doctors and charted and temped and used a fertility monitor and got bloodwork and still no baby after more than three years.

So I started crying and I cried and told him that he better leave me and I just kept crying in the dark on the pillow and so I got up and I cried more, for another hour at least. Crying and blowing my nose and all that for a good long while.

When I woke up on Saturday I pulled out a journal and made a list of all the things about our fertility that are bothering me -- and cried some more. I read it to him and the rest of the day Saturday I just felt emotionally drained. Sunday I felt a bit better though.

I'm still congested from the flu and a little queasy as well. Everyone in our office has been sick. Half of them have had the stomach flu but no one has had both. I hope that I'm just feeling the remains of the same flu and its just lingering and not because I'm going to get the stomach flu as well. Oh please no.

1 comment:

Crystal said...

I've had the flu for about a week now. I just cannot get rid of the most nagging cough ever! It's beyond annoying.

I know how good it feels to sometimes cry. I cried yesterday during an old episode of Cold Case that I DVR'd. It was really moving at the end and was about Mother's and Daughters and I thought it incredibly unfair that I may not have that relationship one day. It's okay to cry.