Sunday, July 10, 2005

Today's my birthday. I'm 35 now. That means that in Western medicine I'm now considered advanced maternal age. Whatever! I can't believe I'm 35 and I don't have any children. Life just pulls you along sometimes and there you are, not where you expected to be.

My partner got in the "mood" this morning so I thought why not. I don't really have any sex drive right now but that shouldn't stop everyone from having a good time. In the middle of it though I started crying, tears kept running down my cheeks. It wasn't anything in particular, just happened. I think it is everything starting with having to use a condom during BD to prevent pregnancy, yeah that's what I want to do right now. I have to manage my fertility. Why, because the rational part of me knows that my body needs a break and I need to make sure that I'm not hurting myself by throwing a possible pregnancy at my tired body right now. I need to wait. But waiting just makes things feel even less normal right now. Then there's so much else hovering. Like all the people who don't know. I feel like I'm putting up a brave face and all but I want everyone to know what hell I've been through. Hardly anyone IRL knows the challenges we've been through in our pursuit of a child. And now, losing my second pregnancy, I just want a little more love and kindness. But I don't want to have to tell them. Can't they just know?

I've continued feeling weepy all day and my right ovary is aching; I fairly feel like I'm going to explode somewhere inside. I think the crying is the hormones, probably the biggest drop in my estrogen level that I've had in a couple months as my body prepares to ovulate. I've got to just ride out the hormones, wave by wave, somehow. But mostly I just feel like I wish I didn't have to feel it at all.

1 comment:

Anna H. said...

I'm sorry that your birthday was such a sad day, Agness.

Thinking of you...