Wednesday, September 14, 2005

It could have been me

Last night I went to a community BBQ and brought along my SIL and my baby niece and nephew. I watched the baby while my SIL followed round her son as he played on the playground equipment at the park we were at. There were lots of people there I know from around the neighborhood, due to my community activism. Almost all of them came over to ask me if my niece was mine.

Yes, I don't see these people all of the time, mostly only in email and at occasional meetings. Yes, I was holding a baby with dark hair like mine. But really folks, an 8 month old infant doesn't come out of thin air and most of them have seen me within the past year when I would have looked pregnant. Many of them knew I had abdominal surgery last year as well, though not what kind of surgery and I suppose that still didn't exclude me from having a kid now.

So, it was a mixed thing. A little fantasy about what it would be like if I had a baby, this baby that I held that was born the same week as my first [a] was due. There was also the stupidity of it all, the frustration as well. Of course I want a baby, no this isn't my baby but it could have been -- at least in an alternate reality. I guess I should be thankful that no one asks why I don't have children yet. As if there is any easy answer to that question, because even I don't know why we don't have children now.

(P.S. I'm at 10dpo and no sign of anything vaguely pregant with me yet. Two things I'm looking for are an elevated basel temp in the middle of the night and an itchy right forearm -- my symptoms that are particular to when I've been pg)

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