Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Feeling poorly

I'm on cycle day three of my 38th cycle charting. I've been feeling so poorly these past couple of days that I finally looked up dysmenorrhea (painful periods) and I fit the definition to a T this cycle. What's up with that? I've got stomach pain, lower GI discomfort, headaches, I'm not sleeping well. Its actually not a normal pattern for me. I've also still got symptoms from that virus that's been going around the office, others have the same symptoms -- sore back, sinus congestion, faint numbness in hands and feet. One of my employees saw her doc about it today and was told it was indeed a virus and that it might take another 2 weeks for the symptoms to clear out.

I had an acupuncture treatment this afternoon and she treated me for blood stasis in my abdomen that was causing me a lot of menstrual pain, as well as my immune system and also to help stimulate follicle development. They told me to take a break from the herbs for a wee while and see how my body does. I told her about how when I was younger and stressed out my stomach would hurt me (I spent many hours in the nurse's office in 6th grade with stomach aches when my parents were fighting constantly and close to divorce and I wasn't doing my homework), and sometimes if the emotional stress was intense I would get diarrhea (first bad breakup I couldn't eat for a month and when I did I had diarrhea -- I lost 10 lbs). Certain types of really bad stress would even cause me to have mid-cycle bleeds, but never annovulation, I never missed a cycle. She said that it fit in with what she knew already that I have an overactive liver but that normal Western testing wouldn't show any dysfunction and it ties in with my other complaints as well. In TCM the liver is associated with emotions and I'm such a freaking sensitive person and a bit neurotic as well (but I'm sure you noticed that by now). Its just who I am and while I've made lots of changes I don't know how much more I can do. To think that sometimes just being can be the thing that throws you off. I don't even want to know about it. I fell asleep during the treatment at any rate, for a good 40 minutes, which felt good.

While sweeping our back porch the other day I was thinking to myself about what someone on the boards wrote to me after my first loss; she said "God must really love you to put you through so much." I too know that I'm stronger in some ways, maybe more wise to the ways of the Universe and my connection to the world around me. My losses are a part of who I am now.

Sometimes lately I've been thinking of just getting used to the idea that we won't have kids. It's been such a very long road so far. At least I'm needed at work and I'm getting to do more consulting work. I don't know what the future holds and I talked to my great-aunt about it when I was in New York. There are places for all kinds of mothers in the world, and not all of them are biological. You don't even have to be an "adoptive" mother to make a difference. You know I've heard that for troubled children even a 15 minute positive encounter can build esteem enough to help that child find hope and change direction. Maybe there's a place for me there in the world. I just don't know yet.

Tonight I did a brief liver qi cleanse as I missed my qigong class for the second week in a row. This time because I wasn't feeling well, last week was due to traffic and class just not being at the park where they were supposed to be.

1 comment:

aliza at babyfruit said...

ooh ooh! liver qi cleanse and qigong? How interesting! I was talking to someone the other day about how qigong might be helpful to me. I'll peruse your blog a little more and follow the link!