Thursday, June 09, 2005

I feel angry today. I once read that anger was one way that our bodies/minds deal with stress. I must be really stressed out. It wasn't until I got to work that I felt it, like biting people's heads off. I'm going to try to hold my tongue since it isn't anyone's fault that I feel this way.

We went for a walk last night in a neighborhood park with our dog. It was nice and I wish my partner would come with me more often. I left the front gate open and after running an errand and stopping back at the house this morning the dog was gone. She's done it before and has her little routine for roaming the neighborhood but I hated having to leave for work and know that she wasn't safe at home.

I woke up at 4:45 in the morning and was up until 6:30 and then went back to bed. I'm trying to focus on just waiting for AF to come as I feel certain she will. Well likely its not going to be the same but I figure I'll just wait it out even it if takes three weeks since I would prefer not to have my third d&c in a year.

I'm feeling like I don't want to have a repeat u/s next week. It isn't going to provide me with good news, it has no therapeutic value and I'm going to have to pay for it. Why bother if the only thing to see is a further disintegrated sac with some schmutz in it. I hope I start bleeding soon so we can get it over with.

We are oddly a little relieved, as I posted just one day before my BFP some weeks ago, this isn't the best time. I'm trying to get my business back on track and I really need to focus on it right now for a little while more. Also, I was right in the middle of doing some painting prep work in our office and I wasn't going to be able to finish which bothered me but I was avoiding exposure to the paint fumes and toxins.

It's weird to know that when I started feeling better last week is likely when things stopped happening. So I'm making a mental note -- pregnancy is supposed to make you feel more uncomfortable, bloated, exhausted and in pain and having less of those symptoms is a bad sign.

I had a thimbleful of hope going in for my scan yesterday but I guess it was knocked over and now hope has dissipated.

1 comment:

Anna H. said...

The anger makes a lot of sense. I'm so sorry that you're going through this... I hope the bleeding comes soon, so that this particular stage isn't drawn out.

Thinking of you.