Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I've been running/walking a mile each day with my dog for the past couple of weeks. I've been really good about keeping it up. I did fall off the wagon and I had hot cocoa and cheese over the weekend which made me feel awful. I'm not lactose intolerant, its just that my body doesn't like taking milk -- it causes more stagnation in my system. I'm trying to be good again and not slide off into my bad dietary habits. Want to know what they are? Well either way, I'm going to tell you -- they fall among the following:

not drinking enough fluids throughout the day

not eating breakfast

not eating breakfast and not eating lunch until after 2:30pm

eating chocolate when I have skipped breakfast and eaten lunch late

eating simple carbs and not enough protein or veggies

not going to the bathroom right away and holding it in (i have an aversion for public bathrooms, it is a problem)

My weekend... My partner's other brother is in town, visiting from France with his girlfriend. We spent a lot of time with them, they leave tomorrow afternoon. We were over at my SIL's house on Sunday and I boldly chose to stay behind with her when everyone else went to lunch, I figured that since she is staying home with the two little ones all the time this might help give her a break and make it so she wasn't feeling left behind. We chatted and eventually the conversation turned to my miscarriage. It was a very difficult and emotional conversation for us both and we both cried. She didn't understand why I couldn't talk to her for 6 months since my partner said I was fine (which wasn't true) -- she was a week behind me in getting her BFP so it was very difficult for me to see her. It was hard for me to have to open it up and explain it to her, but it had to be done as it was unresolved between us. I didn't tell her the nasty things, the really awful feelings I had along the way -- such as hating her, wishing her baby would die too, thinking she was selfish for only trying to reach out to me once. It is normal, I'm not the only one who has felt that way but I can't tell her that stuff. I told her instead that you worry enough when you are pregnant and that I didn't want her to see the dark side of pregnancy -- which is partially true as well.

She told me she was glad that I was accepting of my niece and that ultimately the pregnancy meant nothing -- we both agreed that, but I told her I just didn't need the constant reminders of the baby I wasn't having, the pregnancy that had failed.

No comments: