Saturday, November 05, 2005

My back is a well of sadness. Go figure.

I've started back with chiropractic treatments on my back as my spine has been totally out of alignment -- two incidents with whiplash have left things a little less steady then they would have been otherwise. My first two treatments just pointed out how bad things have been and left me feeling a little better and a little unstable feeling in my back. Then on Monday this week he felt how there were all of these awful knots in the muscles of my upper back that were contributing to the alignment issues, pulling at my spine. He grabbed some sort of electric massage tool with multiple nodules on it and started working on that area -- it was painful at times but he did loosen things up a bit. He told me to go get some massage work done.

Tuesday I woke up and I felt normal enough but by the time I got to work I realized that in addition to feeling grouchy as anything that I was having an awful black, black mood. I cried off and on all day long, yelled at my partner when I got home and fell asleep with the assistance of a muscle relaxant to try to help take further edge off my back. There was no chance in hell of any BD even though I was within the stupid fertile window of my cycle.

I felt depressed the rest of the week, but not nearly as bad as Tuesday. At my acupuncture appointment on Thursday I mentioned about all the above and asked if it was possible that the body work I had done on Monday was a trigger. I have friends who are massage therapists in town and they have told me that people can store emotions and injuries in their body. One friend in particular did a lot of work on people who had been sexually abused as children and would try to help them work out these trapped emotions, she said it could be quite intense for both she and the patient.

My acupuncturist agreed that the two experiences for me were likely related and told me to not think about people who are having their second child. I talked to her a little bit about how tired I was of this TTC business stealing my time and attention and not producing results. She mentioned that the things that I have learned and shared along the way with others meant that it wasn't all in vain and that helping others to find their way along the infertility path was a good thing. Yeah well, that's true but it still doesn't remove the sting. She gave me a handout with information about how to take fresh pineapple to aid in implantation -- it's meant to help break down proteins in the endometrium that inhibit implantation. I'll buy the pineapple but since I've done it before on my own without any results I'm not feeling like it will do anything but I do like pineapple at least.

Infertility sucks....the life right out of you.

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