A message to another woman going through a miscarriage:

I found out on July 1 that we had a blighted ovum, so there wasn't a baby but just a gestational sac. I was deeply sad the first few days about not getting to be a mother. My doctor had us do a follow up u/s the next week which confirmed that no baby was present.

I was offered d&c or to miscarry naturally, I also looked into mifepristone (RU-486) but my doctor said since I have a large fibroid that he didn't think it was a good idea. My doctor was out of town the following week and I opted to have the d&c on July 19th. I figured I was giving my body a good chance to figure it out on its own by waiting.

Well, nothing changed while I waited and it just got kind of frustrating in a way that my body was spending so much energy on a pregnancy that wasn't going anywhere. I would see pg women on the bus or walking downtown and think "I'm pregnant too, but with nothing" and I hated having that in common with them. I also found that I couldn't talk to most people about what had happened, since it wasn't over yet. People heard about our failed pregnancy but didn't quite understand that I was still pregnant.

I had the d&c a week ago on Monday and it wasn't that bad. My doctor is an RE and did an u/s guided procedure to just remove the products of conception and not disturb the endometrium. The full on scrape out type of d&c can lead to scarring. [link=http://worthwhile.blogspot.com/2004/07/im-back-and-i-survived.html]You can read about my d&c here[/link].

The d&c is just helping move along the process of ending the pregnancy. The body has one way to recover from pregnancy and it uses it for miscarriage as well as normal delivery. I'm sure the resulting symptoms are stronger the longer one has been pregnant since the hormone levels only get higher.

[b]I'm someone who likes to know the details about what is going on so I'm sharing my experience with early pregnancy loss with you but skip if you don't want to know[/b]

There isn't a lot of information about what happens post d&c and I don't want to freak you out but in order to prepare you (and others) I will describe what I experienced (and other may have different experiences):

Day 1: (day of procedure) Feeling a little out of it and tired the rest of the day.

Day 2: I went back to work but couldn't really do anything. I felt kind of numb about the experience. Some cramps and very light spotting. A hot water bottle helped.

Day 3: Felt very tired in the afternoon. Still light spotting and occasional cramping. Fairly productive at work. In the afternoon I started feeling really sleepy. I felt sick in the evening which I think was a combination of a 24-hour virus coupled with a big hormonal shift. I got bloated and had a fever overnight (probably unique to my experience).

Day 4: Headache, neck and backache. Stayed home. Still had a fever for part of the day. Slept in the afternoon.

Day 5: Still felt a headache, stayed at home. Cramps all day long. Around 4pm they started getting worse. I tried laying down but they were overwhelming. I had really intense cramping which hurt from just below my ribcage to halfway down my thighs. I took ibuprofen but it didn't really help. Red wine and a hot water bottle offered the best relief. I started bleeding finally around 10pm. The labor like cramps went on until 2:30am at which time I guess they subsided or something because I fell into a deep sleep.

Day 6&7: More cramping, headache, backache and now sadness. Sadness and anger at having to go through this experience.

Day 8: Back to work. Very weepy. Still uncomfortable with cramping.

Day 9: Stayed at home. Saw my chiropractor for a regular appointment (treatment for a back injury) and asked him to do what he could to make sure nothing was contributing to the cramping pain. In the afternoon I had a massage and the massage therapist gave me an abdominal massage, not deep tissue or anything just helping go over the middle. I cried during that part. I ran a little way with my dog in the park and my breasts were killing. I realized when I got home that lactation had kicked in.

Day 10 (today): Stayed at home again. I was feeling very exhausted today. I had an acupuncture appointment this morning to help balance me out. He told me that my liver was out of balance and that it was throwing off my kidney and spleen as well. He said that the bleeding aggravated my anemia and that there was some blood stagnation. He helped get rid of a lot of the pain in my abdomen. I asked him what I could do for my liver since it seems to be the most out of whack and he suggested a small amount of red wine -- which I had already been taking each day and really did seem to be the only thing that helped.

I looked up in my medical endocrinological text today about the lactation thing. Evidently 3-4 days post delivery the levels of progesterone and estrogen drop and prolactin has the stage to itself, those other hormones no longer suppressing its action on the mammary glands. It is supposed to go away on its own, provided you don't add any stimulation, in about a week or so.

The only thing that I would do differently if I could turn back time would be to know about this process ahead of time so I would be more prepared than the fact sheet they gave me that said "you may experience some cramping and bleeding" and I do wish the doctor had given me a prescription for a strong pain killer ahead of time.

The other thing I think we should accept is that society doesn't expect women who have gone through labor to deliver babies to go back to work right away. I think we need to remember that if we who have miscarriages experience labor, that we give ourselves the same TLC that we would want as a new mother.

I'm really sorry for your loss but hopefully knowing more about the physical process will help you through it. It is an emotionally and physically draining experience but allow yourself time to grieve and recover. I think I'm going to wait a fully cycle to try again, but maybe not.

I had the worst time yesterday from about 4pm. I was having what I can only describe as someone stabbing me multiple times in the abdomen with a sword and then dying. These were uterine cramps that were probably similar to labor. My uterus decided that it was time to redecorate and worked really hard to rip out the old endometrial lining. It went on for hours, from 4pm until I fell asleep and was still squirming when I got up to pee at 2am.

I tried everything I could think of -- red wine (4 glasses), passion flower tea, lemonbalm tea, chocolate (no really, it is supposed to help), anti-cramping meds I had from France when I had salmonella poisoning, a hot water bottle. Finally I took a muscle relaxant at 12:30 and that seemed to take the edge off a bit, at least it helped me sleep. I felt like a bit time drug abuser, and normally I'm such a straight-edge person, but I had to do something.

I finally had some more productive bleeding so I guess all my uterus's hard work was paying off. It was so bad I considered taking a taxi to the hospital and asking them to give me a sedative.

My partner isn't here, he left for Los Angeles yesterday to spend the weekend with his brother and mother. It's his brother's bday. I'm so glad that I knew not to go, I had a feeling something like this might happen and I couldn't imagine going through it on a plane!

I'm feeling better today and my exciting news is that yesterday my basel temp was 98.2 and this morning 97.8 -- the lowest temps I've had since I was pg. Actually this morning's temp puts me back below the CL and so we have actually reset the cycle on my body! Yeah!

ouch! Agonizing and debilitating cramps

So Wednesday night I lost half of my pg belly -- that was pretty dramatic. I can't believe how fast my body was reorganizing itself.

Today, Friday I missed work again since I still had a killer headache and some cramping. This progressed to major agonizing cramping around 4pm that had me moaning and writhing in pain. I ate chocolate -- helps keep anandamine, a pain and tranquilizing substance the body produces (similar to THC in marajuana) around in the body longer. I drank 2 glasses of red wine, took an anti-cramping drug I got in France a couple years ago when I had salmonella and then drank 1/3 cup of passion flower tea. I then tried breathing exercises and sat in the summer heat on my front porch with a hot water bottle for 2 hours and finally my cramps started to subside.

I was then able to go out for dinnner with friends, drank more red wine, and the cramping was pretty quiet for a couple hours. Then I went to a friend's house and she's an herbalist and made me lemonbalm tea which, like passion flower, is supposed to be a nerve tonic. Drinking that and holding the hot mug to my belly both helped some as the cramps were coming back.

I wasn't having any major bleeding until about an hour ago, still light by the menses benchmark but red and not dark like before. I feel like someone has stabbed me with a sword a couple times in the abdomen and I'm dying to be honest. I'm now having another glass of red wine and going to go to bed with the hot water bottle clutched to my abdomen in spite of the heat wave we are having here in Seattle. Whatever it takes.

OUCH!

I hope this subsides by morning.

I was so sick yesterday and my partner had to go to work in the morning and I was worried. Last night I even told him the nice things I wish he would say to me -- "I'm sorry you aren't feeling well", "I'm sorry this is so hard on your body", "I love you and I want you to be better". He then goes, "I'm really glad you have that out of you and had the procedure done." I gave up and asked him to bring me a hot water bottle for the cramps which he did. What can we do but throw up our arms. They mean well. Come to your girlfriends for the real support.

Why does it seem like there isn't any information about what happens when you miscarry, not the clinical stuff but the physical stuff.

When I left work yesterday I was feeling a bit woozy so I bought a bottle of water before I met a friend visiting from out of town. We then walked to a pub and I felt like laying down but I decided to be a trooper and push through it. I drank about 36 ounces of water over the next few hours and got incredibly bloated. I remembered that the hypothalmus helps control our cycles and also is involved in managing how much water is in our systems -- its what decides when you have to pee. I figure that my brain and endocrine system is starting to make some big adjustments but I was so swollen. My skin felt hot, my breasts had shooting pains, I had a headache and my hearing was weird -- everything sounded hollow.

We took a cab home and I got in bed and took my temp with has been over 100 since last night and was over 101 for several hours. I ache all over, my back and neck and legs in particular -- sort of like when I get the flu. This morning I also had some intense cramps and my heaviest bleeding so far of dark menstrual blood but it isn't really heavy compared to my period.

My partner called the doc this morning and they say this is normal and expected. I can understand why reorganizing my body to shift functions away from the pregnancy is a big deal I just didn't know I would feel like I had been hit by a truck.

Is my experience so far similar to yours? Is each miscarriage its own deal? This is a fairly cruel process overall but I guess that's the way the equipment works. I just makes it even harder that we don't get to have a baby and instead have to go through this.

I was starting to get worried because I was only spotting ever so lightly. This morning I decided that some exercise might help so I did some ballet for 30 minutes and tried relaxing my uterus. This did help as the bleeding has increased, but it is still fairly light. I'm glad to be making some progress.

Actually a little while ago I went to the bathroom and had a cramp so bad that it brought tears to my eyes. I'm now sitting with a heating pad on my lap as I work and I think it will help take the edge off.

Adventures in miscarrying.

I've researched progesterone a lot and I've used both a topical cream and Rx vaginal suppositories. My progesterone level was low when I had my 7dpo test last October, and I have other small symptoms of low progesterone as well. My mother had low progesterone prior to conceiving my brother, after 3 miscarriages -- although she is allergic to iodine and has thyroid trouble.

My P4 at 19 dpo was 18.4 which is low I know. I used NPC (natural progesterone cream) for 4 days (19dpo-22dpo) and then the vag. suppositories (V.S.), 50 mg twice daily starting a week after that (there was a problem with the Rx so hence the delay.

My early pregnancy was full of queasiness (like motion sickness -- I recall it now from physical memory like being on a roller coaster -- which I hate!!!). My breasts were huge and sore, I felt like I was surrounded by cotton -- I couldn't think clearly. And my mood! I was like Attila the Hun there, snapping and losing it at the drop of a hat.

When I found out about my blighted ovum I stopped taking the progesterone and magically I felt 100 times better. I had no idea when I was taking it that it was the progesterone that was jerking me around so much. Now that I've finally kicked the bugger out (d&c yesterday) and I'm preparing myself for my next try (in a few weeks or so) I feel just so confused about the progesterone. It seems like it caused some fibroid growth, made me feel like HELL and hardly functional at all. I'm feeling reluctant to take it, at least in that high dosage the next time.

I didn't have any bloodwork done when I was on the V.S. so I don't know if my body is super killer at processing progesterone or if I'm absolutely horrible at metabolizing it so it just builds up to unbearable degrees. I guess I'll have to talk to my doc.

I'm back and I survived. Overall I have to say it was a relief to finally have this d&c done. I think it was all the prayers that helped make this easier for me. Thank you!

My doctor was great, so careful and conservative. He definitely has a lot of experience working in that area. The nurses were awesome; they were so nice and caring. The procedure was done in the operatory suite where they retrieve eggs for IVF patients. The nurses gave me warmed blankets over my shoulders and stomach and kept my legs and feet warm with towels as well.

Having had a more than typically painful HSG last year, I think that I was better prepared for the sensations which were similar but just more and longer. When I had my HSG the RE tried to help stretch out my uterus for better films, the uterus being wrapped around the fibroid. She did this by pressing the speculum in different directions which pulled on the ligaments I guess. I had cramps for days afterwards. I also have periodic pelvic pain from my fibroid so again, this wasn't shocking to me. If I had never had any such discomfort in my life it probably would have been worse. The nurses and doctor all said that I was a great patient with a good pain tolerance. They asked if I did yoga, I told them that I danced -- I think they were amazed that I could sit in stirrups for so long as it took a while for us to get started.

The worst thing was that it took 3 tries to get the IV started and I left the hospital with bandages on both arms.

My partner was there in with me the entire time which was a great relief, more than I would have supposed. Once the sedatives kicked in I kept babbling on and on about all kinds of things although mostly about how odd this experience was.

Yesterday afternoon I came home and took a nap on the couch for a while. Then my sister and one of my best friends came over and spent time with me for a few hours. my partner and I walked down the street for a late dinner at 9pm. I mostly felt tired.

I feel a little crampy today and I've had just a minor amount of spotting so far. My temp was a little elevated this morning so I'll keep an eye on that. It might just be my thyroid trying to adjust itself at this point.

I actually have less pelvic pain now than I did before the procedure, I think that is because of my fibroid already distending the uterus. My breasts are also starting to soften slightly -- yippee! My doc is still cool with me TTC with the fibroid intact. I did find out that he is leaving the hospital to go out on his own at the end of the month. He'll only be 30 minutes away in Everett, WA but still I'm bummed since that is a hike and it took so long to find someone I like and trust.

I have some tears trapped inside of me still, I know they will come out sooner or later but I'm doing pretty good over all. A little numb maybe but I feel like a survivor.

I dragged my partner out to a lavender festival this weekend. It was great to get away from home. We spent the night at a friends house and drove around the countryside today. I got a lot of fresh air and sunshine and didn't allow myself to mope around all weekend. I feel like it is crazy that our embryo didn't develop and that we've known that since July 1 but here it is the 18th and I'm still pregnant. Almost over finally. It's been an odd journey over the past couple weeks, including hormonal ups and downs. I'm feeling closer to normal today, not sure if it was the sun or if maybe my HCG is dropping. My nipples are still sore and my abdomen is still fluffy (aka: fat).

I'm about to head over to the hospital to get un-pregnant. I wonder how long it will take to get over this. My biggest thing now is finding some sanitary napkins in my purses that I can consolidate. I haven't bought any and I was just out when we found out we were pg in June. I hope I don't feel bad this afternoon. Send me your best thoughts and prayers please.

I'm about to head over to the hospital to get un-pregnant. I wonder how long it will take to get over this. My biggest thing now is finding some sanitary napkins in my purses that I can consolidate. I haven't bought any and I was just out when we found out we were pg in June. I hope I don't feel bad this afternoon. Send me your best thoughts and prayers please.

These were some of the more useful links that I've found in understanding what was going on with my blighted ovum/early miscarriage. I thought I would share.

GENERAL MISCARRIAGE

Understanding Miscarriage

Early Pregnancy Loss

Miscarriage Explained

Early Miscarriage

Miscarriage and PCOS

Missed Abortion

Post-partum Bleeding (lochia)

Miscarriage Information


BLIGHTED OVUM

Blighted Ovum

Blighted Ovum

Anembryonic gestation


DILATION AND CURETTAGE - D&C

Dilation and curettage

Dilation and curettage 2


MEDICAL MANAGEMENT (DRUGS)

Methotrexate For Noncancerous Conditions (Systemic)

Pharmaceutical Induction - Pitocin and Cytotec (Misoprostol)

Medical Abortions

Completing A Miscarriage


I found this study that was published earlier this year and it was interesting because it was both effective, used a lesser dosage than is commonly used in the US currently for abortion purposes and had fewer side effects.

Medical management of first trimester miscarriage (blighted ovum and missed abortion): is it effective?


NATURAL INDUCTION – NOT RECOMMENDED

I did find this link with information from midwives on ways to medically complete a "missed abortion".

Completing A Miscarriage

Here's someone's reading list from Amazon.com on herbal abortions -- no I don't recommend going that route, I found some other links that talks about how toxic it is for the mother.


RETAINED TISSUE

Detection of retained products of conception following spontaneous abortion in the first trimester

GESTATIONAL TROPHOBLASTIC DISEASE/ MOLAR PREGNANCY

Gestational Trophoblastic Disease


Gestational Trophoblastic Disease (Sloan Kettering)


"Of utmost importance is careful follow-up with serum beta HCG (BHCG) weekly until less than 100 mIU/mL and then every two weeks. The patient should have a careful pelvic examination every other week and a chest x-ray every 4-6 weeks. Once the titer of serum BHCG has fallen to normal levels, these two examinations need no longer be done; however, BHCG titers need to be repeated every 2 weeks for 3 months, then monthly for 3 months, then every 2 months for 6 months, then every 6 months for 3 years. Each patient should be counseled in the use of a reliable birth control method." (from the NIH site)


"Women should be advised to avoid pregnancy until hCG levels have been normal for six months following evacuation of a molar pregnancy and for one year following chemotherapy for gestational trophoblastic tumour. The combined oral contraceptive pill is safe for use by women with GTT (III-C)."
(from: http://sogc.medical.org/sogcnet/sogc_docs/common/guide/pdfs/ps114.pdf)

Embolization of Bleeding Residual Uterine Vascular Malformations in Patients with Treated Gestational Trophoblastic Tumors


Molar Pregnancy



GRIEVING, SUPPORT & RECOVERY

http://www.pregnancyloss.info/

SHARE – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support

Pregnancy After Miscarriage (PAM)

Hygeia Foundtation & Institute for Perinatal Loss and Bereavement

Coping with the 5 stages of grief and bereavement

October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

What is Grief?

Crazy. I just got off the phone with my 95 year old aunt. My family is back East and I haven't really been in a good place to talk about what has happened with my pregnancy. I sent email and hoped that my parents could pick up the slack.

My aunt didn't know, somehow she missed the email. I think she was calling me because she was excited. She started telling me about the loss of her only child, stillborn, some 70 year ago. She also lost her husband, and her best friend died towards the end of her pregnancy -- all within the same year. I'd heard this story before but not from her. When we finished talking I could tell she was crying. I feel so terrible for her suffering, and for bringing back bad memories.

I'm having a bad day today so I stayed at home. I was dreaming about the d&c scheduled for Monday and I woke up feeling very emotional and out of sorts. Monday my procedure is scheduled for noon, no food after midnight, only clear liquids until 5:30 AM or so and then I'll be on a fast. I can only imagine how crappy I will feel post procedure since I'll still have the HCG in my system -- and that seems to be what makes me puky/hungry all the time.

I don't know what to do except pray for all the lost babies and for their mothers.

I saw this posted on a couple other sites and thought you might be interested.

quote:

“Miscarriage Research Opportunity
Researchers at Women Care, an organization devoted to improving medical care for women, are conducting an exploratory study of women who have experienced a miscarriage. The purpose of the study is to identify what changes can be made by the medical professionals who care for women before, during, and after a miscarriage.

The researchers will be focusing on a woman's level of satisfaction with her healthcare providers and will also gather data on what options women were given, what information they received, and post-care treatment and follow-up.

Results from the study will further our understanding of the care extended to women during a miscarriage and will provide valuable information to the medical community as to the unique emotional and physical needs of their patients.

Study participants must be 18 years or older and have experienced a miscarriage (pregnancy loss before 20 weeks of gestation). Participants will complete a research questionnaire, which will either be emailed or mailed to them. The form will take 15-30 minutes to complete.

If you are interested in participating in this important new research please contact the research team at : womencare@pclink.com or Women Care, 224 Benton Avenue, Wayzata, Minnesota, 55391.

Thank you in advance for your participation in this critical study.”

I had the option of scheduling the d&c with the other doc this week but I've never seen her and I really like my RE. He's out of town this week. With a "missed abortion" it can take until weeks 10-16 for the body to recognize that the pg isn't happening I understand. For some women that won't happen at all and their bodies just keep increasing the production of HCG.

No, I don't have any signs that anything is subsiding, it is a little tiring and the worst is that being around other pg people I think to myself "I'm pg too, but not with a baby" -- it is a little isolating.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to hire some painters to patch and paint our hallway/stairwell, dining room and living room. Our house is from 1906 and the walls need some repair. I would do it but my neck always goes into spasm if I do too much since I've had whiplash twice. I better start calling around today to start getting quotes. Hopefully I'll get pg again soon but I wouldn't want to be around the paint fumes in early pg so I better use this TTC break wisely.

I asked my partner yesterday and he said that he did want to start trying again as soon as we're able to. My goal is to be pg by the time I have my next dental appointment right before Christmas since they know and I would hate to have to tell them that it didn't work out.

I don't know what it is that makes me research so much. I think it is just my nature, I feel more comfortable when I know what is going on. My mother said that as an infant I would scream when she put me in the bassinette because I couldn't see what was going on. If they placed me in the baby seat inside of the bassinette I was fine since from that position I could look around. I think it is related to that this researching bug I have.

I'm tired of being pregnant, my symptoms are growing again; they had subsided when I stopped taking the progesterone. I have a tummy that I couldn't exercise off if I wanted, my breasts are hurting more in the morning and my nipples are sore too. I'm also having weird food/appetite things again where I'm hungry but feel yucky or starving and eat way too much. It is hard to eat properly since half of what I eat sits like lead in my stomach. Just one more week until it is over.

It is a little bit interesting getting to watch the symptoms without having them be as emotionally charged as when you know you are growing a new life inside of you. This is my fire drill, just preparing me for the real thing. We were talking last night and my partner said he had played his first game of basketball since turning 40. I said well I got pregnant while I was still 33 and he replied "I got someone pregnant before I turned 40!" It was kind of funny.

We had over a bunch of friends for a party last night and this included 3 small children and 2 pregnant women. I was dreading anyone asking me when we were going to start a family since we've been trying so long (that much they know) but most of them we hadn't told we were expecting.

I try to protect myself, however I need to, when around talk of pregnancy, babies, etc. While I'm happy for people as well, interested and excited for them all, I know that I'm just too sensitive right now to be able to communicate about that with them comfortably. At the same time, I feel like I have more respect and understanding for how awesome (the older definition) the process of bringing new life into the world, and even caring for small children from both my brief window into pregnancy and from watching the changes our friends with children have gone through. I might not be able to share in their enthusiasm but I want pregnant women to be able to complain and fuss and worry and hope to their hearts content -- it is part of the process.

I thought that you might be interested in this new research, I think it offers some solace for those who have miscarried.

Fetuses give mothers a gift of cells, study says

It's my birthday and I'm how I thought I would be, not in the mood for celebration. My great-aunt phoned from NY this AM at 6:50!!!! She's 95 so I won't fault her for that. I just don't want to talk to my family at all though. I did leave a message for my parents a little while ago, I haven't spoken to my mother since we found out about our B.O.

My partner's family was all here before, my little nephew too. And his sister-in-law, the one who is due in February. I feel numb around them kind of. The party tonight is going to be hard, I'll probably go hide in the attic or something. His mother and SIL did make all the food for the party yesterday so we didn't have to do anything which is really nice. I just wish I didn't feel this way.

Today I'm crying, at least right now I am. I guess I had to hold it in all week at work so I might as well let it out now while no one is around.

I dreamt last night that my uterus kept swelling on the non-fibroid side so that I had a large lump on one side of my abdomen. Since my gestational sac is still growing that might be the cause. I'm sooooo tired this morning, I think because I didn't have enough sleep last night. I'm due to call a client in 15 minutes to review a PowerPoint presentation -- I need to go review and see if I can come up with any intelligent questions and poignant things to say. Maybe I can send someone else out for coffee.

I'm getting my hair cut today for my birthday, I colored my hair last night -- just enough gray in my dark hair to make it noticeable and with the pg I was holding off coloring it. Now I have the opportunity to be pg and break all the rules -- I can eat soft ripened cheeses, clean the litter box (we don't have one but bear with me), travel internationally, not take my vitamins (although I probably should), eat sushi, dye my hair, eat junk food, drink coffee -- how about them benefits?

The second u/s yesterday showed again just a big empty sac, that keeps growing. Actually the sac size matches almost to the day the length of my pregnancy. My RE is due to call me at work today to discuss my options. It is frustrating to be pregnant but not -- you want to be either not trying and not pg, pregnant with a healthy baby or trying. This is purgatory.

The prospect of a d&c (dust & clean I saw someone refer to it as) kinda freaks me out

I had my follow up u/s this morning and my gestational sac now looks like an hourglass and the doc couldn't rule out that there wasn't anything growing at the top side of that hourglass (farthest from the u/s vaginal probe). He said it is possible that it is just the mild calcification in my fibroid that could be bounding the sound echos around. My fibroid may be the thing that is squashing the sac in the middle like that. Still there is no reason to believe that my fibroid has anything to do with the apparent lack of an embryo inside of me.

Just to be sure my RE has me going for a high-end u/s series (abdominal and vaginal both) in radiology this afternoon.

My partner was so sweet in that he wanted to come to the appointments with me, both for moral support and to see what is going on. Aside from that thought, it is amazing to see the extremes he has gone from "it was too soon for us anyway" to "it was mine too and you have to let me deal with this as well". Just as paradoxical as the infertility discussions so many of us have had with our partners. Me I wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV all weekend and just grieve, he on the other hand went on a cleaning mission both inside and outside the house -- probably to take his mind off of things.

We were totally at each other over the weekend we were both so stressed by the news from last week's u/s. He wasn't listening to me and that was really getting on my nerves. No, it wasn't like I was asking him to put the laundry in and he wasn't listening, this was more like I'm not sure we should have 50 people over on Saturday for our birthday party because I don't know how I'm going to be emotionally. We're working past it.

PG loss isn't something that is easy to take at all. I hope that you are spared from this experience but it can and does happen.

Still let's keep our fingers crossed for this afternoon's u/s results.

I haven't posted here so much in a while, I was off of NPC (natural progesterone cream) for a while during my acupuncture treatment for my uterine fibroid. I did have a positive pregnancy though and my RE had me use progesterone suppositories. Last week I found out that we have a blighted ovum so I stopped using the progesterone. I thought I would add my experiences with being on it and off of it in higher doses just to help add to the information pool.

The week I found out I was pg, several days after AF was due I was having a lot of light contractions in my pelvis. My progesterone tested at 18.4 ng/ml at 18dpo (I think it was). I used my Emerita for a few days until the Rx was filled (prescription was lost at first - argh!) and that helped keep the cramps under control.

I started using the suppositories (50mg) as directed, twice a day when going to bed and before I got up in the morning; about 20 mins before I was advised by the nurse and I shouldn't worry about it after that since that was about all my body would absorb so she had heard from the pharmacist. Vaginal progesterone suppositories aren't fun, they melted for hours and added to the discharge so I had to wear a pantyliner at least and they might still leak onto underwear and clothing.

I thought my pg symptoms were really crazy how strong they were -- sore, sore breasts, bloated belly, mood swings, my head felt like it was full of cotton, nausea daily (mostly felt like motion sickness coming on)... Now that I'm off the progesterone I have to say that I feel sooo much better and more like myself. I haven't had any cramping really since I've been off the suppositories, my breasts are still sensitive but not quite so "punchy", and my belly is more normal.

I stopped using the progesterone cold turkey in the hopes that it would help my body realize that the pg wasn't progressing but no such luck. My temps are still up in the AM (around 98.6), no sign of anything vaguely looking like spotting or cramping.

My fibroid feels enlarged but until my uterus isn't swollen by the pg anymore I can't tell really about any growth. I didn't have any constipation problems from being on that much progesterone, actually after I stopped it my digestive system was totally blocked feeling and it's taken every diet trick in the book to get things moving again (sorry if TMI).

So, my experience with higher doses than we use for topical treatment is that progesterone is really strong stuff. (and don't put it anywhere near your breasts as I learned months ago, that will make them blow up like balloons and hurt like the dickens -- although I had the same reaction with the higher dose suppositories).

I'm doing okay. Feeling majorly blocked in this weird way and I am having strange dreams like military or police taking me away because I'm in this odd status of pregnant/not pregnant. Last night was one after another dreams about trying to get the pregnancy tissue out of me. I have a follow up appointment with my RE tomorrow AM to see what's up.

Stopping the progesterone, plus the emotional upset has really messed up my digestion. I don't have a major loss of appetite but when I do eat I can only eat a half portion before I feel horrible. I've also been horribly constipated, which I wasn't before stopping the progesterone. My breasts are still sore but not as over the top large as they were with the progesterone. That progesterone is really strong stuff, it made me feel like I was in a haze, contributed to bloating, heightened my mood swings -- not fun stuff. I'm glad to be off of it.

I also wanted to add that I took a HPT yesterday and it came back negative. My test on June 9th was so strong it just about blew me over. Having the negative test means that my body is starting to shift gears already. I do have to say that I'm feeling very tentative and unsure about this next part in the process. I wish it would just be over, actually if it could just mirror my period symptoms I would be satisfied because at least I know what that feels like.

The thing that is so strange to me is that there is so much talk and information about infertility, pregnancy, and childbirth but there doesn't seem to be a lot of information about what happens when the embryo dies. I feel oddly blocked and uncomfortable in my lower abdomen. I don't know if it is mild contractions or what, it isn't that specific. My body has already started making shifts, my breasts are significantly less firm, my belly less bloated. I feel less in a haze than I did while the hormones were up, my head is more clear than in weeks. I'm not as thirsty and already I'm not having to get up 3 times a night to go pee. I have a loss of appetite but that it normal for me, especially when I'm grieving. My sleep pattern has gotten even more wacky but I'll just ride it out.

I find the early pregnancy process to be fascinating in a scientific way; that the recognition of the fertilized eggs can trigger such dramatic hormonal shifts and at the same time how the mother's body helps so much to foster the egg/embryo in the early weeks. My body was so ready for this that it took it a long time to see what had happened. I am thankful that I knew what happened before instead of having random bleeding and not understanding the cause. Minor blessings but still worth recognizing.

I don't know that I'm stronger than anyone else, I have sorrow as well but I try to embrace it. I can't talk to anyone because it makes me cry too much, I can write about it though, that helps me get it out.

I had a transvaginal u/s, the 5th one I've had in the past couple years. The sac was well defined, in the fibroid you can see tissue details. My period is like clockwork and I've never missed a period since I started menstruating in 1984. I also was charting and my CF was really clear as to when ovulation was, I either ovulated on May 23 or 24.

I really don't think there is anything growing inside of me beside the sac. The doctor even said, with someone who is so clear on the dates (and I have been charting since April 02) there should be a well sized embryo with a heartbeat at this point. I just don't see how it could have been missed although I have heard of doctors missing women's small fibroid on u/s as well. I do have a follow-up u/s scheduled for next wednesday since the doctor said they don't dx blighted ovum with just one u/s.

I took a HPT today to see if my hormones were dropping and it came back negative. [it must have been due to dilute urine] I think that is a good sign, at least my body is starting to move on. My sister and a friend have called me but it just makes me cry to talk to people right now. How did it happen that we went from waiting at the doc's office to see our embryo's little heartbeat to nothing. What an emotional rollercoaster.

I emailed my acupuncturist and he said it was best to work with my RE on this part. I'm hoping that my body won't be stubborn and that stopping my progesterone suppositories will help to end things naturally. I had felt a shift in my hormones this week anyway, perhaps if I am lucky it was a reduction in HCG production.

I did find this link with information from midwives on ways to medically complete a "missed abortion".

Completing A Miscarriage
http://www.gentlebirth.org/archives/miscrg.html#Completing

Here's someone's reading list from Amazon.com on herbal abortions -- no I don't think I'll be going that route, I found some other links that talks about how toxic it is for the mother.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/3HF72ORQ4LT0R/104-7136724-1655966

That term "missed abortion" doesn't bother me as much as "miscarriage" (or as much I expected it would) since my mother had three miscarriages before she had us three kids and besides to me, right now, that term "miscarriage" sounds like I did something wrong and I don't think I did.

It is not even 5am yet and here I am awake again to the reality. When I woke up I had my left hand laid across my uterus. I guess this is even bothering me in my sleep.

blighted ovum - pregnant with nothing

I had an u/s this afternoon which showed a good-sized gestational sac but nothing inside of it. The doctor was relieved that I already knew what it was -- a blighted ovum (aka anembryonic gestation). I feel so perplexed though, human condition-psychologically challenged and all that. I went from pg to pg with nothing. I'm still pg and my body is still hormonally chugging along.

Having to tell the group of family and friends what has happened will have its own challenges and I wonder if I can tell them in email or a letter. Right now though I'm just wishing I could get off this train to nowhere and just have my body be normal again.

My partner was shocked because he didn't know that such a thing could happen at all. I feel bad for him, he was so excited about our pregnancy.

There are lots of good things about this, I know some of you who have had recurrent losses probably don't feel that way even if you ever could -- I'm sure I would feel the same way myself. My list of good things:

1. I got to be pg for 3 weeks
2. I got to stop being a fertility-challenged person for a few weeks
3. I got to stop worrying about my fibroid and how it might be impacting my fertility
4. We proved that our equipment worked
5. We did it without medical intervention
6. We didn't have to do IUI in July as planned
7. I got to miss my 7-day period for once in my life
8. I've learned more about the amazing process of gestation first-hand
9. I was waiting until this u/s to tell people at work so I don't have to now
10. I get to be me again for a while (if the sadness doesn't overtake me).

My sincerest condolences to everyone who has to go through this.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get my body to flip the switch and change tracks? I contacted my acupuncturist already and hope to see him next week. Maybe he will give me some Chinese herbs to take. Please help me.

it is disappointing but yes, we did prove that the equipment works. And I got to be pregnant for a few weeks even. And it made my fibroid seem like not a big issue and I even got to give the infertility stuff a break. Those are all good things in my book.

I hope you don't mind my sharing but I think we've all been through enough for you to understand. It's just kinda weird going from potential to nothing. I have been and still am pregnant even though there isn't anything other than the sac growing, so this doesn't negate that experience at all. In some ways I'm a little glad because riding on the pregnancy hormones can be a little rough. I did notice some change this week, maybe my body was starting to drop off production of HCG. I felt awful today, even before the u/s though. I already planned to take tomorrow off so I had an extra long weekend. If I am lucky my period will come while I'm away from work and I won't have to have a D&C.

It still is an amazing thing to see, even if for a very short while, how your body can shift gears and start running this other program. I hope you all can experience it -- and me too again soon.

I asked the doc and he said that we should continue trying on our own and just wait a month for my cycle to get back to normal after this fully clears out.

It wasn't me, I didn't miscarry (that seems to place blame on the woman I think), it was just a bad combination of chromosomes. I'm thankful that it is early if this had to happen.

My worst day ever

My u/s didn't go well this afternoon. I have a well sized gestational sac but it looked empty as anything. It looks to be a blighted ovum. I'm a little bummed right now, packing up my stuff at work to work from home tonight.

I have a follow-up u/s next week just to be sure but I think it is over.

Today I feel totally icky and beside myself. I just feel restless and ill and weepy and nauseous all at once. I leave in a few minutes for my u/s and check up with my RE.

I don't have a scale at home so I don't know what my weight change would be. I feel bigger but who knows.

One of the foods that makes me really nauseous is the smell of rice, you know that corny-like smell it sometimes can have in asian restaurants. Someone brought some into the office before I left for lunch and I was about to... I don't know what would have happened but I did feel ill so I left for lunch.

I had two perfect peaches this morning that were heaven. I was craving them so it was especially nice. What are your favorite fruits right now?

I'll post after my u/s a little later.

a post to another woman dealing with MFI...

We had REs tell us we probably needed do do ICSI as well, it was basically presented as "you can work up to it however you like but it is probably what it will take". We tried the alternative medicine route and supplements instead and I'm still in disbelief that we did it but we're in our 6th week now.

Have you consulted yet with a urologist (UR) who specializes in (male) fertility issues? Out of anyone we worked with he was great to have as a backup and he thought we could do it with my partners numbers (see my sig below) even post vasectomy reversal. Have the S/A tests included tests for antibodies, it isn't a standard test. Also, the UR had us do the SPA test to see how the sperm reacted with the egg membrane. We did that test in May, the test results came back positive and we coincidently conceived the same cycle. He felt that the SPA (sperm penetration assay -- aka hamster egg test -- poor hamster) was useful as a next step in our diagnosis.

Dr Perloe had also suggested to us that the sperm DNA fragmentation test would be worthwhile but we didn't have to go that far.

ICSI is expensive and (not to alarm you but this made me wary) might possibly damage the fertilized egg. I know we have read articles, etc. it is just that a friend of mine is a microbiologist researcher working with reproductive research and he told me that among his colleagues there was concern that this is still a new procedure and the long term risks were uncertain.

You could try IVF with rescue ICSI (just in case the sperm aren't doing their job in the dish) instead.

Go for the vitamins and exercise for your partners/husbands though -- selenium, zinc, vit.c and antioxidents. You want to have sperm that are strong and can optimize the best ones to be stronger.

I really appreciate my vasectomy reversal buddies online, they are the only ones who know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone you can only cross your fingers to have a child with. It is a big gamble and it takes a lot of emotional strength to get through it, especially when you are fighting with a strong biological desire to have children (that would periodically hit me and I couldn't talk to anyone about it). I even asked my atheist partner to pray for me (he does have a spiritual bent in spite of himself), I told him that he should do it because I wanted him to (while crying of course).

My pg symptoms have shifted this week, less of the car sick feeling and now onto vague nausea (there is a difference I swear). Yesterday I threw up in the morning, right before I had to head out the door to my chiropractic appt. I think my prenatal vitamin didn't agree with my stomach. Today has been better. I've been able to push through the fatigue more now, I think it has evened out a bit as well so I'm not quite so sluggish in the afternoon. I have my ultrasound tomorrow afternoon -- can you believe it will be July already?

I'm going on a picnic with a friend on Friday and skipping out on work for maybe the full day. I didn't get to go to NY so I'm due a little R&R. I'll probably be doing some catchup work for the office over the weekend anyway.

Just FYI, someone at my office is in a relationship with a man who already has teenagers, a divorce (of course) and a vasectomy. She's going to be 40 in October and struggles with the fact that her fertile window is closing but her boyfriend, however committed he may be, is not interested in having any more children. Everyone here is lucky enough to have a partner/spouse who was willing to undergo an extremely uncomfortable procedure to restore their fertility. Count your blessings.

A woman I met on the chat yesterday told me to eat sour things like lemonade and sour candy; she said it helped her through her pregnancy. I've been drinking a lot of limeade and grapefruit juice and it seems to go down easy enough. I read that anemia can make m/s worse and that taking b-vitamins can help (although taking vitamins is tough when you are feeling already) I tried candied ginger the other day as well, it helps with seasickness so I thought it might help. It was difficult to think of it as appetizing but it did seem to alleviate some of the stomach discomfort.

Email to a friend

> You may remember my telling you about my fibroid and
> needing surgery and
> all that -- doctors were so wanting to cut me open
> and it felt so
> intuitively wrong. I had even scheduled surgery for
> the beginning of
> October and I cancelled it. The rest of last year I
> spent every weekend,
> and many other days whenever I could slip it in,
> researching more about
> fertility and fibroids. I met with several more
> doctors, consulted with
> a researcher in Toronto all to try to get a better
> handle on what my
> options were. I was pretty depressed too so that was
> why I wasn't
> calling really.
>
> At the beginning of this year I finally found a
> reproductive
> endocrinologist I could get along with who was far
> more supportive than
> the other 2 I had spoken with about our situation. I
> also started going
> for acupuncture treatment weekly starting in January
> and had my
> partner taking lots of vitamins and supplements to
> help improve his
> fertility as well (he had a vasectomy and reversal
> and his morphology
> was poor). I figured that Western medicine wasn't
> offering that many
> options so I had to try the alternative route to
> help preserve myself
> and my fertility. If that didn't work then we would
> try fertility meds
> and insemination -- but we put that off until July.
>
> I have some news though, I'm 5 weeks pregnant with
> our first baby. I
> can't tell you what a relief it is and we are
> soooooo proud that we did
> it ourselves without medical intervention. Our baby
> is due in February.
>
> So anyway, I'm in a much better place than I was
> last summer/fall/winter
> and I would love to see you.
>
> Take care and I'll drop you a line in a few weeks to
> set up a date.

Crazy day today. I woke up and while half asleep was sure that a) it was Sunday and b) that I had slept until noon. I actually woke up at 6:30 today and rather that check the Ovusoft boards I decided to bake a coffee cake.

So, while it is in the oven (the coffeecake that is) I'm drinking raspberry leaf tea and eating a homemade blueberry muffin (I go through baking waves and I'm on one right now). About 30 minutes later though I have an odd feeling come over me and I make my way to the bathroom and throw up a couple times and then it is done. Soooooo weird.

Yesterday I was actually feeling more normal and less queasy, I thought I was getting lucky and that my body had balanced whatever was off balance. Well, that is not entirely true as I started gagging yesterday when I caught a strong whiff of cleaning solution but I factored that as being just my sensitive nose.

My acupuncturist and I have been emailing and he said he can help with nausea and fatigue. I'll probably go for a visit next week and he can let me know if everything feels all right from an energy standpoint although I'm feeling pretty good I think.

Training for the Olympics

1) A book I read about infertility mentioned that for women infertility is like training for years and not being able to play in the Olympics, that's partly why it is so frustrating to us. It also said that it takes men on average three years before infertility hits them the same way as it does us.

2) My partner was kind of bopping along doing his own thing and there I was last September with my surgery approaching and I had a meltdown. I can't have this surgery I told him, I don't think we've tried everything we can yet and we don't even know if this will improve our outcome -- what if it is just your morphology that is the issue and not my fibroid? (!!!!!)

When he realized the gravity of the situation we were facing with major abdominal surgery for me and saw how upset I was he had another S/A and had them check for antibodies (can you believe I was going to have surgery without him checking that!?!) He wasn't willing to take supplements last year until after this all happened as well and that took some time as well.

He wasn't keen on the IUI but accepted it as part of the phased approach to dealing with our infertility. Now that we are pregnant he's so funny because he lets out little things like telling my sister that it feels natural to be having a baby (as an expectant father now of course and as if not being able to procreate was unnatural -- this from the man who had a vasectomy in the first place so he wouldn't have kids!!!), how he thinks his anxiety was related to his infertility, and to see how ready he is for this adventure of starting a family. I see how frustrating it must have been for him but he didn't really talk about it with me at the time.

My partner is fairly communicative but fertility is a difficult topic for men for some reason. I think it reminds them of impotence and challenges their masculinity and sense of self -- much as it challenges our maternal instincts and makes us climb up the walls in anguish.

The book you might want to refer to, it is about understanding the emotions and frustrations of infertility:

Experiencing Infertility

My uterus is expanding on the left, the opposite from my 6x7cm uterine fibroid so now I have two little mounds just below the skin about a 1/2-1/4 inch. I think I might have said before, but I'm not sure if I posted it here, in December my doctor said that my uterus was the size of a 14 week pregnancy. I'm used to my fibroid so it isn't a huge concern (we'll just watch to see if there is any rapid growth). The thing that has my attention is that I need to prepare for a change in my pants and skirts sooner rather than later since there isn't much room left in my pant fronts already.

I'm scared of going into maternity boutiques still so maybe I'll just have to buy a larger size for a while.

I just finished the Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy over the weekend and evidently it is common to either have more sex drive or none at all. Orgasms are supposed to be more intense as well. I recommend using a lubricant since things are a little changed hormonally and that definately helped me.

My tummy is sticking out too. Looking at myself in profile in store window reflections at lunch I thought -- who is that pregnant woman? No one else would think so but the boobs don't look like mine and the matching belly sure looks to me like something is up. Just keep eating healthy foods and don't worry about it I guess. The appetite seems to come with the territory.

Don't you all find it so amazing that our bodies are able to switch gears this way. It is amazing to see the changes, I feel like I'm just a passenger myself along for the ride.

We tried to abstain for 3-4 days before a S/A but also made sure that we were helping keep production up all month long. In other words you will have better results if your partner is having frequent ejaculations the whole month through (1-2 per week we tried to average, more if we were in the mood).

In May we did an SPA test (sperm penetration assay) which they do a basic S/A with as well. We BD on the 14th, abstained for 4 days and did the test on the 18th and then BD again for the next 4 days and I ovulated on the 5th day. We got pg this same cycle.

Sperm Penetration Assay links

http://www.regence.com/trgmedpol/lab/lab11.html

http://www.infertility-male.com/labtest/spabackground.htm

I noticed this morning when lying down that my uterus is starting to
grow to accomodate the pg a little more. With my 6x7cm intramural
fibroid on the right side (which the uterus has be heretofore wrapped around) it is now starting to expand on the left side. So, if you feel my lower abdomen you can feel two lumps side by side. I'm just finishing my fifth week so it will be interesting to see how things grow. I expect that my fibroid will move up and out of my pelvis but it will be interesting if the distended uterus pushes it to the front, side or back. My fibroid isn't causing me any problems, it doesn't feel to me like it is growing and I'm able to still go to modern dance class just fine. All good so far.

I'm so glad it is the weekend, finally some time to rest! I was soooo hungry today that I keep on eating every 2 hours or so. I made homemade fettucini with tomato sauce a while ago and that was filling. I've been craving a lot of south-east asian cuisine this past week though, like Thai and Vietnamese food -- thing with a little fish sauce in them. I've also been craving/eating a lot of fruit. They say the trick is to only eat things that appeal to you to help with the nausea. I was at a creperie yesterday (a restaurant that serves crepes) and nothing looked good to me, the thought of cheese sounded so unappealing. I ended up eating half of mine and my partner ate the other half plus his dinner -- he was stuffed. I'm bummed about not being able to eat sushi although our favorite sushi waitress said that she ate sushi through her entire pg as she was working and it was free food. Different cultures have different takes on what is safe and not in pg. There's this book I read a couple years ago called From Paris to the Moon and the author describes the contrast between the pregnancy and birth of his first child in the U.S. with the pg and birth of the second in Paris. Doctors in France tell women to drink wine (in moderation of course) to sooth the nerves and such during pg.

This may sound crazy but caffeine can help sperm swim faster. Truly. Read about it:

Coffee makes sperm speed up
18:24 14 October 03
NewScientist.com news service
http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99994267

You might have your partner stop and get a double espresso before the next IUI or you get up early and make/get coffee for him and switch your BD schedule to the AM (as the coffee certainly would disrupt sleep if taken at night).

Just for everyone's information I thought I would share with you a reason why I thought we could influence our fertility in spite of doctors telling us that morphology is just something that you are born with and you can't change. We were working with a biotech company a couple years ago and they had developed a compound that would enhance a plants ability to both combat pests and disease and at the same time had the added benefit of increased fruit production of increased proportions. That was why I went looking for all those links in my sig for sperm maturation and morphology. I thought surely there has got to be a way to influence this process. Finally I got my partner to agree to try the extended supplement regime, thinking that at the very least we would be improving the opportunity to grow better sperm. Take a look at the PDF article at the link below when you have a chance and you can see what I'm talking about.

Messenger for Citrus
http://www.edenbio.com/documents/Eden+Citrus.pdf

Today I've been feeling mostly good but then burpy- yucky, then STARVING (at 11am after I already at leftover Thai food for breakfast and a banana and a glass of almond milk at work), so I had to go buy something pronto. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't but it sure felt desperate.

My partner and a good friend at work are both noticing the physical changes in my already (I noticed them two weeks ago). I've got a little extra fat around my belly button, I'm starting to be a little more rounded in the front as well, and still with the big boobs. I'm thinking about getting some new bras because the ones I have aren't really enough support but that was just based on what I own on not because I look like Busty Dusty (ever hear of her, famous porn star).

I thought I had regular PMS this cycle but there were a couple clues that it was different that I didn't pick up on at the time (these symptoms were around 10-15 day dpo):

Breasts didn't start to get less sore as AF approached

I was more bold in expressing myself, to the point that I was off-putting to others

My uterus was swollen which I only noticed because I've got a large fibroid and I can normally feel my uterus because of it. I was feeling a bit down because it felt larger and I thought that perhaps my fibroid was growing but it felt too squishy and I was confused.

When I was a day late I started having some odd itching on my right forearm and I started getting these tiny pin prick like itchy blisters on my hands and forearms. I'm still getting those and it seems like it is connected.

I felt good for a few days and then I had a lot of cramps that first week when my period was late so I kept thinking it was coming, even after the + HPT and blood test. Progesterone supplementation helped keep the cramps in check.

I've been feeling hungry and blech all week. Eating doesn't help the blech feeling much but not eating makes it worse so I'm going to keep nibbling. My breasts are less sore than over the weekend thank goodness. I'm such a total space cadet though. I forgot about two appointments this week (although you can be sure that I wouldn't miss a doctor’s appointment).

I wondered as well about what late implantation might mean. I guess the embryo had less fuel to burn. Progesterone increases the amount of glycogen, a type of sugar and fuel for growth, in the endometrium so that's why it might help the heartbeat.

Don't you all think it is weird how obsessed they are with how far along we are. What's a few days? Aside from clear health problems (which I don't have so far) I guess I feel like my body is going to do the best it can. Blood tests and the like aren't going to make this go more smoothly. Do you think you will have amniocentesis?

I've still got the m/s, I guess usually it starts around the 6th week which is this week which means it can only get worse. This article link someone sent me says that if you get motion sickness then you are more prone to m/s. It is a beautiful day here and I don't feel like doing anything except laying down. I might take the bus to another neighborhood to go look a baby knitting patterns and yarn to start working on presents for my friends twins. She told me I could wait until the Fall since the summer is too hot for knits in New York.

Other than getting up 3 times to pee last night I slept like a log which is good. I've been trying to do some cooking this weekend as well I made homemade pasta and sauce yesterday and today I baked blueberry muffins.

Someone asked about the supplements my partner was taking. Here's a list:

Daily Multivitamin that included selenium
Chewable Zinc tablets with Vit C
Grape seed extract 2 caps a day (cheaper than pynogenol and also a potent anti-oxidant)
Carnitine capsule

Selenium and zince are both found in highest concentrations in a man's body in the ejaculate so we tried to make sure that he had a good amount of both in his diet. Selenium is found in whole wheat flour usually and zinc is found in pumpkin and sunflower seeds. Walnuts were also recommended by my acupuncturist as something to boost male fertility.

My partner is a vegetarian who eats fish and very rarely freerange chicken and pork wontons. He eats a lot of beans and rice. We were also eating more leafy greens to help with hormonal balance for us both.

I'm feeling queasy today, sort of like the edge of car sickness. Blech! I would love to work from home for the rest of the week but my team needs me.

To an online friend...

It isn't up to doctors if we get pregnant or not. The human species has survived millennia without help from doctors. As I said before they told us that based on the statistics we had a 2% chance of the 25% chance that most couples have on average. That's so small that I need my calculator to figure it out (sorry I'm not good with math!).

I think that God has a lot to do with it too. I feel blessed that I didn't have to have the IUI and that we were able to conceive. I also always think of this story someone posted to a buddy group I was on months ago and it ended like this "what is impossible for man is possible for God" (evidently from the Bible, Luke 18:27 "And he said, the things which are impossible with men are possible with God")

You keep your hope, even if it is in a very small place. Take your vitamins, meditate, eat well and exercise. Also, find another doctor who is more supportive.

(and to another person)

What you need to remember is that it takes more than one sperm to fertilize an egg - each sperm had enzymes in its head that they use to weaken the shell and collectively a large group of them help dissolve it, it really is a team effort. You will want to maximize your opportunities by loading up when you have EWCM, prior to since sperm can survive in EW for days. Once ovulation occurs the biological valve into your uterus is already closed and it is too late. Eggs mature ongoing inside the ovaries so nutrition and hormonal balance have a big affect on how they mature (I looked into this in my big medical text called Gynecologic Endocrinology and Infertility a couple months ago to help out some women I know with ovulatory problems). Have you had hormonal work done to check your prolactin and progesterone? Do you ovulate regularly?

---

I've been feeling just icky, like barely getting car sick and I'm hungry a lot but eating doesn't help stop that feeling very much. Thank god I'm not puking like some of the girls I've met with Feb due dates.

Two years ago when we were starting to TTC I was having some odd spotting around ovulation or so. It wasn't normal for me and yet it kind of fit the description of ovulatory spotting from TCOYF. A couple months later I was having pelvic pain and my doctor found a fibroid. I then switched to a naturopathic doctor for treatment and the spotting stopped. She had the full basic hormone work done, but not the CD 21 progesterone test. I had to change my diet, my stress level, my lifestyle to help my body to be healthy. I was on herbal supplements for several months as well and on iron to help combat anemia that was hanging around for years.

At the beginning of this year I started seeing an acupuncturist and he helped balance my hormones further. It was a little ouchy at times but amazing. I think he helped even my cycles more than anyone I have cycles that are so regular.

I also saw 3 REs and had more hormonals tests, an HSG, and several u/s (for my fibroid). I have to say that the combination of alternative therapies combined with traditional western medicine helped me to feel like I had all bases covered. I talked to a lot of docs because they wanted me to have surgery and I didn't want it (for the fibroid). Talking to lots of different practitioners was really valuable, though time-consuming. My insurance covered all but the co-pay but that fibroid was helpful in validating the consultations.

Doctors gave us miniscule odd of conceiving on our own but we did it. I think acupuncture had a lot to do with it.

Here is a link to a page that references many studies about acupuncture for use in fertility issues:
http://www.easternharmonyclinic.com/medart/medart.html

I was feeling awful today so I worked from home. I had a major crying fit last night due to work stress and the upset feelings lasted all night and into the morning. My stomach was upset as well, I'm really not certain if it was something I ate or what, sometimes emotional upset can do that to me. I'm feeling more reasonable now though. It was interesting trying to explain to my partner this morning that he needs to leave me alone when I tell him too, that was what triggered the problem last night but I was already feeling weepy before that so maybe my hormones hit some new threshold that was a bit overwhelming. I don't like feeling like that and I hope I can avoid going there again.

At least it is a beautiful summer day today.

Since it is on my mind I thought I would point out that the every other day plan didn't seem to work for us. I have lots of EW normally so we decided to take advantage and load up ahead of time by BD'ing (baby dancing) every day and sometimes twice a day. Hard to keep that pace up and yes, it can be sore but no it didn't dry me out as that web link indicated. Instead what it did was get us pg.

Doctors told us that we had a really small chance of conceiving on our own and that we would need some major interventions (abdominal surgery to remove my fibroid and then IVF with ICSI -- where they inject the sperm). We instead worked with natural healthcare providers -- naturopaths, acupuncturists, chiropractors to improve our health and balance. We also consulted with 3 REs and 2 Ob/Gyns and my partner has a UR as well since he had a reversal.

I'm amazed that we were able to conceive but based on our experience I would say throw in a few tries with as much BD as you can bear plus vitamins.

Wow, I'm feeling fortunate compared to some of the other pregnant women I know who are experiencing bad nausea and vomiting. I did remember reading about someone who was so sick through her pg that all she could eat were frozen blueberries.

I just have to eat when I get hungry or else this car sick feeling starts creeping up. If I eat there isn't any problem. I also wake up in the morning and my breasts kill, I have to hold them on the way to the bathroom to stop them from moving and I'm only normally between a B and a C cup. I think I'm pushing the C-cup now.

Today work was stressful with a couple of clients and I was having a hard time holding it together. I either wanted to cry or I was having to hold back grouchiness -- not good for consulting. I felt depressed and anxious. When I came home I took the dog for a walk to wind down.

So it seems like many women are confused by the difference in counting -- either from ovulation or from LMP. I don't care what any doctor says, I know when I ovulated and they aren't going to shift any dates for me. 26 cycles of charting tells me more than they can by my LMP.

I still wonder too about being able to keep the baby. My mother had 3 miscarriages before she had my older brother. She is allergic to iodine and has thyroid trouble so that's the likely cause and I don't have any thyroid trouble. I don't think God (sorry to anyone who isn't religious) would let anything happen to this baby though, I really feel as though God finally decided that it was time for us as strange as that might seem.

My MIL was in town this weekend and I wasn't online that much. We've also been having amazingly nice summer weather here and I've been trying to take advantage of it -- in between taking naps. I love weekends because I can rest in the afternoon. I'm thinking of working afternoons at home when I can to help manage the fatigue. I think it is the thyroid going overtime and keeping my temps high that is taking a lot of extra energy.

I don't temp religiously so I'm not doing so now either. I figure that I'll keep eating whole foods, taking my vitamins, drink lots of water, and supplement progesterone. Aside from keeping down my stress level I figure that the baby will either stay or go based on genetics and I've done all I and anyone else can do.

I'm surprised at how much "fluff" I've got around my middle already. Another woman I know who is about 30+ weeks along right now told me that she put on most of her weight in the first 10 weeks and is now at the lower end of her weight gain category. I shouldn't worry and I know I shouldn't cut back or diet. I've always been thin and this is a bit of a difficult adjustment.

I've got to go eat something before I feel yucky.

Okay, but here is the totally wild news. My sister-in-law who lives in town just told us last night that she's due also in February, about a week after us. Two weeks ago we were walking around the neighborhood with her toddler and complaining how everyone seemed to be pregnant except for us (all the stars and then tons of women about town for some reason -- I think Seattle is having a baby boom). Low and behold that even as we were feeling sorry for ourselves we were both already pregnant!

No m/s here I'm just hungry in the morning and tired in the afternoon. I wake up hungry and absolutely have to eat before I leave the house. I've also been craving more iron rich foods, I'm taking iron supplements as well since my iron stores are lower from my heavy periods.

I find that when I'm feeling crummy that exercise helps but I have to push through feelings of quitting until the relief happens. A long walk, dance class, etc. are all helpful. My breasts were killing me yesterday and this morning. I put on a sturdy athletic top for modern dance this morning and that completely helped.

I'm struggling with my wardrobe since I was already needing to invest in some new pieces and weed out some of the older ones. The big boobs and full abdomen are a little interesting to decorate. I don't want to be a frump the whole time though so I think I'm just going to buy a few fun things and I can always wear them next summer (note to self: plan ahead for breast feeding).

I've been considering making some maternity clothes myself, and starting to prepare the nursery. I'm working so I can use the lead time to help make sure things are ready when they are needed.

With my almost 4 weeks pregnancy my uterus has enlarged so that my
fibroid feels just about a centimeter below the surface on the right
side of my abdomen when I'm lying down in the morning with a full
bladder. I read in the Merck Manual this morning you aren't meant to
feel the uterus above the pubic bone until 12+ weeks but as I have
mentioned previously, one gyn in December said that I was the
equivalent of a 14 week pregnancy.

I'm feeling good aside from the general feeling of malaise and sore
breasts. The progesterone (suppositories!) are helping to keep the
contractions in check which is great. I'm starting to believe that my period isn't coming ;) No morning sickness but I absolutely HAVE TO eat something in the morning, I can't get on without it. I'm also
thirsty and am drinking a lot.

Evidently we've been growing the vascular system this week and start
working on organs next week.

In two weeks I'll have a follow on appointment and ultrasound and I
will be sure to let you know what comes of that.

My partner is so sweet, he's already giving me kisses on the belly at night. I've been going to bed before he has by at least 2 hours now (he's been working late and I've been more tired and with that wacky sleep schedule - 5am today! I feel like I should be a farmer's wife!!!)

We did tell our families over the weekend. They were all in disbelief since they thought that we couldn't do it. When my mother visited early in May she started talking about how she knew people who had adopted children from China, as if we should keep our options open. I think ultimately they are all thrilled.

REs are so curious that I couldn't tell you if they always do u/s but mine is going to.

Today I've been feeling weepy and less tired, my nipples are aching right now. Can someone please explain why the boobs get so big right away when they won't be put into service for 8.5 months?

My biggest conundrum right now is the care provider question and I bet a lot of you are thinking about that as well. I've thought for years that I would use a nurse-midwife, or a ob with a midwife, in a hospital/birthing center setting and have a doula. My sister is in training to become a doula so that would be neat to have her there to support me. But after all I've been through I finally found an RE who respects me as a patient and isn't patronizing or threatened when I ask questions. A good care provider counts for a lot in my book. So I guess I'll have to prepare my list of questions for him to ask at our next appointment like:

C-section delivery rate
Willingness to work with a midwife and/or doula
When he/she does interventions and when not
etc.

How are you all today? I've been supplementing my progesterone with natural progesterone cream since the Rx for the suppositories was messed up on Friday. I started the suppositories last night. Today I'm feeling a little tired and achy, my breasts are sore and there are fewer contractions (which could be because of the progesterone).

I woke up before 5am this morning for no reason in particular. My partner stroked my back for a while until I fell asleep again but then I still woke up at 7am -- still early compared to me before last week. It's like the pg hormones have triggered my circadian rhythms to go to a different pattern or something.

I also have to get up in the middle of the night to pee whereas before I was sleeping like a rock all the night through.

I get a little faint queasiness in the morning so I have to eat but that doesn't count as morning sickness in my book.

When can they see the heartbeat do you know? I'm wondering if anything will show up on my 7/1 appointment u/s. [I found this link which describes the various things they are looking for in the ultrasounds of early pregnancy: http://radiology.creighton.edu/ultraofearlypreg.html]

My partner's mother left a message on his phone yesterday saying that she had a dream that he told her I was pregnant; I think she's pretty excited for more grandkids than just my dear nephew.

We had doctors tell us along the way that SSRI meds for panic-anxiety that my partner took didn't affect fertility but when I read the fine print their tests on rats left a question mark. He got off of Paxil and his count increased.

Then they told us that morphology was something that you are born with and there is nothing to be done about it but he had a vasectomy and reversal and I found it hard to believe that might not contribute.

They also said there was nothing you could take, or do to improve MFI but we didn't give up. My partner saw a naturopath and was Dx as being hypoglycemic so he changed his diet and eating habits and he's felt a lot better since.

They told us IVF/ICSI was the only way but they would take us through a progression -- abdominal surgery for me with 3 months recovery (and 3-4 weeks missed work) before we could try again, then try naturally for 3 months, then try IUI/Clomid for 3 months and then move on to ICSI. We were devastated.

We watched and read the stories of the other couples online who succeeded in spite of similar low morphology and had hope. I noted every instance of slight improvement and finally looked up all of the anti-oxidents and nutritional supplements that people were trying. He's been taking those for 6 months and coincidently hasn't had any problems with panic-anxiety. He started walking to work each day as he was able and he's feeling great.

Then we just tried to maximize the odds (plus I did a bunch myself to improve my fertility since my fibroid was an issue as well) and kept our fingers crossed but I thought for sure it wouldn't work, we were hopeless and intervention might be the only way. But then my period was late and my breasts were large, my body was hot and I took the test and we got our first positive pg test.

I waver between not wanting an ultrasound (fewer are better, less possible interferance) and wanting to know how close it has implanted to the fibroid.

I think when you have had infertility troubles it is just standard for REs to do -- especially if one had undergone fertility treatments (which we did not other than naturopathic and acupuncture care).
quote:

From the FDA site:
Certain tests are routinely done to check the well-being of the fetus during pregnancy and labor. The most common of these, ultrasound, uses sound waves that bounce off internal organs to project images of the organs and the fetus on scanners. There have been no reports of harmful effects associated with ultrasound, which has been used for more than 20 years. Ultrasound does not use radiation, drugs, dyes or chemicals and is beneficial in providing valuable information. For example, it can reveal the number of fetuses and age, size, fetal position, some birth defects, and other information vital to the health care of the pregnant woman and her baby.

There are three types of ultrasound, each used during pregnancy for different purposes. The most common is real-time ultrasound, which takes still pictures in rapid succession and detects the heart-beat, placenta, movement of the arms and legs, and the number and position of the fetus(es).

The second is the Doppler ultrasound, used before and during labor to provide electrical signals that are converted to audible signals of the fetal heartbeat.

The third, vaginal ultrasound, can help diagnose the cause of bleeding and pain or an ectopic pregnancy, in which the fertilized egg grows outside the uterus. It can also detect some birth defects early in the pregnancy.

Also, FYI the FDA advises against keepsake 3-D ultrasound images

I've also heard less is better but it is hard since we have technology available now that can help us understand more what is happening to us when we are pregnant.

Even with being pg my temps aren't that high. I've taken it twice since Wednesday and I've only been at 98.6 and 98.4, although normally when I'm in the first half of my cycle the temps are like 97.7 usually and during my LP my temps are usually 98.4. That's a big enough jump for now though.

I already had 2 blood tests (#1 435 @ 17dpo, #2 985 @ 19dpo) as I was already scheduled to see my RE last Wednesday to check up on my fibroid.

My symptoms so far:
* thirsty
* sore bbs that are large (but still less sore than during PMS)
* waking up early at 6am or earlier and wanting to go to bed at 8:30pm
* tired (can't I take a nap at work?)
* smelly - my sweat was pretty strong last week
* sensitive to smell of car exhaust and cigarette smoke (and cooked brown rice -- I had all the windows open on Saturday to get rid of the smell
* little queasiness
* little headaches
* argumentative (I thought it was the PMS being weird this cycle but I guess not)
heavy feeling in lower abdomen
* mood swings that pass quickly (feel like crying and then it passes)

I'm feeling really tired right now like I need a nap. I'm also feeling a little warm right now as well as a kind of a general malaise. If I wasn't pg I would think I was getting sick. Here's another weird one, I keep feeling like going BLECH and sticking my tongue out -- how's that for weird (and no I'm not actually doing that).

I'm feeling pretty good this morning. I wasn't on the computer over the weekend much, we were trying to have a life (we work on computers all week long and then some).

My blood tests came back in the normal range. I got the second HCG test result on Friday afternoon and the level had doubled appropriately.

This weekend I decided to not go to New York at the end of the month since traveling that far would be stressful and I'm really sensitive to stress. Besides, I don't know how I'll be feeling then. I called and told my parents, brother, grandmother, great-aunt (she'll be 96 in Sept) and the mother of the bride -- my mom's cousin (I was going east for this wedding). I thought my mother was funny, she asked me when I told her "Are you sure?" My goodness, what does she think? I told my dad first and he replied excitedly "tell your mother". My brother was blown away. They knew we were trying for a long time but maybe they thought we couldn't do it.

We also told my partner's mother, brother and sister-in-law, aunt, uncle and cousin. The clan has been notified and activated on both sides.

When my bladder is full in the morning and I'm lying on my back I can see my fibroid faintly on the right side because of my uterus being swollen. The fibroid isn't feeling active so I hope there isn't any competition for blood supply going on so our baby can get all it needs. My breasts are really full and dense, that's the biggest symptom by far. I have noticed that I tend to feel more cramps, queasiness, and waves of emotions in the afternoon so that will be the biggest challenge at work until we are ready to tell everyone.

I'm feeling pretty good so far. My PMS is enough to contend with and this seems a lot easier to deal with -- just feeling a little queasy (almost barely) and then there are I guess some light cramps. My breasts are a little fuller but you would have to be intimate with them to notice, they actually hurt less than they did last week when I was PMS-ing.

Honestly for those of you who haven't been pg before it isn't earth shattering necessarily (which in my head it always seemed like it was). It is like a natural progression of the menstrual cycle which I usually describe as being a test cycle each month to help things tuned up and ready to go.

I often felt desperate as medical practitioners offered up:

"Have you considered adoption?"
"I'm sure he has antibodies; it is very common post-vasectomy reversal. You won't be able to conceive without IVF/ICSI"
"We won't treat you unless you have your fibroid removed"

I was a wreck from the time I found out about my fibroid until 18 months later when I changed gears completely by:

Trying another RE who it turns out I love
Started going to acupuncture weekly
Started going to counseling several times a month
Got us on more vitamins and supplements
Reduced my stress level
Went for chiropractic (which helped with an old back injury)
and then we tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried every cycle as much as we were able to fit in prior to ovulation

I'm amazed that we did it but here I am 6 days late and the tests say it is a done deal. Don't give up hope and if you want to stay natural just know that it is a game of odds and that it just might take time.

I'm off to get my next blood sample. The nurses were total flakes yesterday. My doc said on Wed to call on Thursday to find out if I should do supplemental progesterone. I had to call twice and I didn't hear back until 5pm yesterday that I should but by then they couldn't call the order in until today. I've been using my natural progesterone cream in the meantime. My mother had low progesterone when she was pregnant with her first baby so I think it might be a genetic thing that we aren't such great producers of progesterone.

We'll tell one grandma over Father's Day weekend since she'll be in town (she will be so excited since my partner is her favorite and she's been wanting lots of grandkids to spoil). My parents I think I'll wait until the end of the month when I'm in New York for a family wedding.

I got my blood work back and my HCG (beta?) is 435 and my progesterone was 18.4. I'm waiting to hear if they want me to supplement progesterone but I can feel the extra hormones -- especially in my bbs which are feeling a little fuller and less sore than what I experience normally with PMS. I told you all back
when my CD21 test came back low in November that my suspicion was
that low progesterone was part of my issue. The elevated progesterone so far actually makes this pregnant part easier than my PMS -- my breasts are full but less sore and my mood is better. Normally I go from grouchy and sore to feeling hot in my lower abdomen and weak when I get my period. Are you sure my period isn't going to show up on my unexpectedly? Should I keep running around with sanitary products in my handbag?

I saw my acupuncturist this morning as well and told him that my
fibroid was smaller. I didn't tell him about the pg and asked him to
check my pulses (this is something that you have to find a good
acupuncturist to do but it is amazing what he can sense from both
wrists). He checked first on the left, then on the right and then he
looked at me and asked "are you pregnant?" I've been going for
treatment since January and it has really helped calm my system down. I tend to be a bit frenetic and very sensitive -- work and emotional stress knock me down quickly and I get sick a lot because of it. With acupuncture I feel a lot more even. We're going to give treatment a break for a few weeks while my body adjusts to the pregnancy.

Because of my fibroid and TTC I've gotten quite attuned to the
different pains and sensations in my lower pelvis. I would have
fibroid related pain on the right side, a couple inches to the right
of my belly button in a vertical channel. Last night and today I feel a sensation more in the center but just to the left of my belly
button. Not pain but something is going on in there and it feels like the front, side and back of my uterus that are involved. In
acupuncture they say that things are being reorganized.

I'm just back from the RE. He said it was too early to see a gestational sac and it is really early still. I told him that we were pleased just to see that our equipment works!!!

My fibroid was a bit smaller too no 9cm measurements this time. It was only 6x7cm.

They did a blood draw to check my progesterone and HCG. I'll have the latter in an hour or so. Progesterone will have to wait until tomorrow.

I told them that I wasn't sure if they would show me the door since we got a positive pg on our own and they said no, that's not how they work. The doc was pleased about the positive pregnancy test just by itself. I thanked him for making me feel like my fibroid wasn't a life sentence and that in that he helped alleviate my stress and that surely that influence helped out as well. He said he would happily take credit. I also asked him to please tell the UR in the same clinic (the one who did the reversal) that he had another success story.

My partner is so excited he's already telling me what to eat and not eat. Let's hope it is a keeper because we are so ready for this change in our life.

I just wanted to add that I too used every last positive posting about MFI successes to have hope even though doctors sometimes made it feel like there wasn't any reason for any. If there is anything I can do for any of you to help make you feel better supported please let me know.

I tell you I don't really feel that different. My breasts are a touch fuller and less sore than normal, I'm late, I had a touch more of acne on my chin (but I get a little of that during PMS usually), slight crampy feelings and feeling full like just before my period. I kept asking my partner "what if we are?" and he would say "do you think you are" and I would say "I don't feel like it but I've never been before".

The expected due date falls right around my sister's birthday in February and she's in training to become a doula. When I told her she said that she'd have to come back from France (she's going to be teaching there next year) to help attend the birth.

Things that may have helped (other than luck, God and timing):

Iron supplements
Acupuncture
Happier about work, more fulfilled
Meditation
Giving up hope
Chiropractic adjustments (to help heal my back from falling down the stairs 2 months ago and also problems from a car accident 4 years ago)
Lots of prayers from family, and friends

With my fibroid my uterus was already estimated to be comparable to a 4 month pregnancy (crazy I know) but I'm thin and it is amazing how much extra stuff you can fit in the abdomen without it showing. If this holds then I imagine I'll start showing sooner rather than later. Risks with the fibroid are:

Blood supply to the embryo/fetus/placenta can be compromised since fibroids are so demanding. This can happen even if the placenta isn't placed over the fibroid and can result in miscarriage.

The fibroid can go through rapid growth because of the pregnancy hormones. This can cause the fibroid to outgrow its blood supply and some of the fibroid tissue starts to die and this is supposed to be quite painful. I've heard of women having to be on bed rest and narcotics for 1-3 weeks because of this. Still, some fibroids don't grow during pregnancy, and some even shrink.

The fibroid can cause premature labor which can result in a preemie or in a pregnancy loss. There are no guarantees.

I'm feeling lucky though somehow. Let's just keep praying that it’s all good.

So today is full of all kinds of good news for me and my partner. We
just got our first pregnancy test positive, confirmed by the doctor's office just a little while ago (my pregnancy hormone level is very good). We've been trying, actively trying, for over 2 years. My partner had a vasectomy reversal in 1998 and we had a sperm morphology issue as well. This happened though completely naturally, the old fashioned way.

I already had an appointment scheduled with the RE (reproductive
endocrinologist) today to check on the size of my fibroid since I've
been going for acupuncture treatment since January. I was worried
because the ultrasound wouldn't be accurate since my period hadn't
arrived yet (with its corresponding drop in the estrogen level). The
fibroid in February measured 6 x 6.5 x 9 cm, today it measured about
6x7. Who knows what's up with it but at least it didn't get larger!!

We are really excited that the "equipment" works and have our fingers crossed.

I don't feel pregnant at all and honestly, I even told the doctor,
when you have a heavy period and it doesn't arrive when you expect it you feel like you are walking on eggshells until it does. I guess the biggest thing is that my PMS symptoms are backing off and I don't feel hormonal or yucky. So far my impression is that this is all a good thing hormonally.

It is 6:00AM and my partner pushes me to move over and mumbles that I'm too hot. Too hot I think, that's kinda odd if I'm just about to get my period. So I take my temp and it is 98.6 - really high for being woken up an hour and a half early. So, I figure 34 day cycle, temp a little warm, still no sign of my period, I guess that warrants a pregnancy test. So I go down the hall to the bathroom and do. And I watch the paper fibers being saturated and it looks oddly bluish and it settles into two very clear blue lines. That's right, my first positive.

I have no idea what we are up against at this point because of my fibroid but I wanted to share. We have been trying for over 2 years, unprotected sex since February 2000 as well. This seems amazing and I don't really feel different. Not really. I guess that visit to the doctor will be for something else this afternoon.

Our UR didn't check for antibodies until we asked. That was frustrating to say the least since one RE (the male head of a university fertility center in our area -- who fired me as a patient b/c I didn't want to have abdominal surgery) I was talking with assumed we had an anti-body issue without any tests being done.

My partner likes to think that the doctor's know it all and I was raised to question doctor diagnoses (my dad went to medical school and was in practice as a dentist so we had a different perspective on the medical system). He's open to my research but one RE (a woman) told him a year ago in Feb that he probably always had a morphology issue and that it was genetic and there was nothing to be done about it -- yet the UR works in the same clinic and he is optimistic for us in spite of the bad morph numbers. (We don't have antibodies thank goodness -- we've got enough working against us).

Here's the fact sheet from the ASRM site about Diagnostic Testing for Male Factor Infertility

Still waiting. I did ovulate a little late this month on CD 17 instead of 15 like usual. Work stress or the stress of my mother visiting I'll never know. I don't think I'm pg though but I'll keep a candle lit just in case I'm one of those people who can't tell their pg. I'm so sensitive to my hormones that seems unlikely. I do feel wacky moody today, holding it together as a professional at the office but feeling weepy and the like -- signs that aunt flo approaches.

I do have this ultrasound scheduled tomorrow and it won't be accurate at all unless I get my period. When the hormones drop at the beginning of the cycle my fibroid shrinks and that's what we use as baseline. It takes a couple days for the effect though. I think it is still growing although I don't want it to. I'm fighting messed-up DNA at this point in time though; that just keeps replicating itself. Blah! I'm still shooting for trying the IUI with the fibroid in place. Don't want to go through major abdominal surgery if I can help it.

My cycle average length is 30 days but the longest one since I've been charting was 33 days. I could be hours or minutes away from it starting though. Here's to cycles longer than 30 days though.