And It All Comes Rushing Back

Sick and twisted girl that I am, dropped by the records department for the hospital/clinic to see what I was missing so I wouldn't have to pay $20 for getting a whole lot of chicken scratch. I've got most of the information already and just wanted the bits that I was missing. Instead what happened was that I got to sit around with my file and relive the first miscarriage and my surgery. How I was able to stand w/o dizziness after the first d&c (they check this stuff for patient release post procedure); how I was "pleasant", walking around, or having "tea colored" urine after my surgery. All these details came into sharp focus in my mind again: the color of the tile floor, calling for help with the PCA pump, sitting on the toilet trying to pee and having nothing come out after they first took out the catheter and the anxious voices behind the door. All the little notes they made, the nurses and doctors and patholgist too, and I felt like I was swimming in memories that my mind had put away for safe keeping, or rather to protect me from them. While I walked quickly and confidently to the office building after work, after picking through the file I left in a daze. And even more frustrating is that there isn't really any good information to be had from my second m/c. There was no pathology done, just blood work and some scans. I felt partly like there might be answers in that thick file and partly that it was sad that there weren't.

On the way home I dropped by to visit my friend, the one who was close to divorce a few months ago (and had a miscarriage a year ago). She's been diagnosed as bi-polar and is on lithium now. She's having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the meds and finally some of the mania she was experiencing is starting to dissolve and so she can remember things a little clearer. We talked a bit about how crazy it was that it was four years later and I was still talking about TTC. For now babymaking plans are totally on hold until they figure out which end is up.

Baby Steps

I bit the bullet today and scheduled an initial consult with my RE (the RE who did my surgery and helped me through 1-1/2 miscarriages). We're going to see if we can stick with her, recognizing her limitations but also the leverage we have with her and her staff.

I set up an initial consult with her since we never had one with her. I just ended up in her care after my previous RE left the clinic and trusted her with my surgery and that's where it was left off. I sort of feel like let's start over with all this and see where that gets us. Yes, I have lots of information and opinions but we also want to know her take.

I think I mentioned before, but the plan that was laid out for us by more then one RE was:

1. Have surgery to remove fibroid
2. After healing (3 months), try on our own for three cycles or so
3. If not pg then move onto Clomid/IUI for three cycles
4. If not pg then consider moving onto IVF (possibly with ICSI -- though with the SPA test his sperm performed really well so this shouldn't be an issue)

We were going to do a trial of Clomid/IUI in July '04 but then got pg and had the firsst m/c. Then we started TTC again after my surgery and retained tissue experience in Feb '05 only to get pg the third cycle and then lose that one as well. It's like we never get to go to the next step. Sharing it with you guys just reminds me of the feeling I had with each loss that maybe God was trying to tell me something -- it's so hard to know that though.

My appointment is scheduled for February 14th - Valentine's Day. I know that's a bit of a downer but at the same time it fits in really perfectly with my cycle -- so if we don't get pg this cycle (and chances are we won't based on our past lack of success) then AF is due right about then and there will be time to either get right into a Clomid cycle or do the HCG or both. There's a chance we might change the appt so to not ruin v-day but for now that's where it stands.

I also just set up a time to review my medical records so I can pick out the sections that I need for my files, which can supplements the ones I already have so I can transfer the files to my RE's new clinic.

One step at a time, right?

Sometimes a pregnancy goes by like a vapor

Today was my EDD for my second pregnancy. I know two other online gals who had that due date -- one is in labor today (how perfectly on time!) and I've not caught up on the details of the other gal.

What helped me last year with the EDD of my first loss was to consider the week before to be a time to help come to closure about it. I was sort of forced to do it by the birth of my niece that same week -- based on advice from women online I bit the bullet and went to see her on the day she was born at the hospital. Yeah I cried a little too but I feel like I was able to change my perspective a little.

Since my surgery would have required me to deliver by c-section early, the second baby would have already arrived so in that sense there is no date for it really, it just would be here already. I don't have time to take off from work right now so I'm just trying to find some resolution about it.

Now, my niece's first birthday in a couple weeks might be more difficult (I still have some tension when I'm around her) but whatcha gonna do.

For all my stocism thought I'm still feeling a bit mucky about it. But it's been a long time since I was pregnant though so how could I really feel it, it's not like I was physically about to have a baby today. And from visiting with my niece yesterday, it's not like I know anything about the minutes/hours/days/weeks/months of attention that it has taken to get her to this point where she is taking her first steps. My past year (and then some) have been about a different journey.