I don't know what it is that makes me research so much. I think it is just my nature, I feel more comfortable when I know what is going on. My mother said that as an infant I would scream when she put me in the bassinette because I couldn't see what was going on. If they placed me in the baby seat inside of the bassinette I was fine since from that position I could look around. I think it is related to that this researching bug I have.

I'm tired of being pregnant, my symptoms are growing again; they had subsided when I stopped taking the progesterone. I have a tummy that I couldn't exercise off if I wanted, my breasts are hurting more in the morning and my nipples are sore too. I'm also having weird food/appetite things again where I'm hungry but feel yucky or starving and eat way too much. It is hard to eat properly since half of what I eat sits like lead in my stomach. Just one more week until it is over.

It is a little bit interesting getting to watch the symptoms without having them be as emotionally charged as when you know you are growing a new life inside of you. This is my fire drill, just preparing me for the real thing. We were talking last night and my partner said he had played his first game of basketball since turning 40. I said well I got pregnant while I was still 33 and he replied "I got someone pregnant before I turned 40!" It was kind of funny.

It's my birthday and I'm how I thought I would be, not in the mood for celebration. My great-aunt phoned from NY this AM at 6:50!!!! She's 95 so I won't fault her for that. I just don't want to talk to my family at all though. I did leave a message for my parents a little while ago, I haven't spoken to my mother since we found out about our B.O.

My partner's family was all here before, my little nephew too. And his sister-in-law, the one who is due in February. I feel numb around them kind of. The party tonight is going to be hard, I'll probably go hide in the attic or something. His mother and SIL did make all the food for the party yesterday so we didn't have to do anything which is really nice. I just wish I didn't feel this way.

Today I'm crying, at least right now I am. I guess I had to hold it in all week at work so I might as well let it out now while no one is around.

I dreamt last night that my uterus kept swelling on the non-fibroid side so that I had a large lump on one side of my abdomen. Since my gestational sac is still growing that might be the cause. I'm sooooo tired this morning, I think because I didn't have enough sleep last night. I'm due to call a client in 15 minutes to review a PowerPoint presentation -- I need to go review and see if I can come up with any intelligent questions and poignant things to say. Maybe I can send someone else out for coffee.

I'm getting my hair cut today for my birthday, I colored my hair last night -- just enough gray in my dark hair to make it noticeable and with the pg I was holding off coloring it. Now I have the opportunity to be pg and break all the rules -- I can eat soft ripened cheeses, clean the litter box (we don't have one but bear with me), travel internationally, not take my vitamins (although I probably should), eat sushi, dye my hair, eat junk food, drink coffee -- how about them benefits?

The second u/s yesterday showed again just a big empty sac, that keeps growing. Actually the sac size matches almost to the day the length of my pregnancy. My RE is due to call me at work today to discuss my options. It is frustrating to be pregnant but not -- you want to be either not trying and not pg, pregnant with a healthy baby or trying. This is purgatory.

The prospect of a d&c (dust & clean I saw someone refer to it as) kinda freaks me out

I had my follow up u/s this morning and my gestational sac now looks like an hourglass and the doc couldn't rule out that there wasn't anything growing at the top side of that hourglass (farthest from the u/s vaginal probe). He said it is possible that it is just the mild calcification in my fibroid that could be bounding the sound echos around. My fibroid may be the thing that is squashing the sac in the middle like that. Still there is no reason to believe that my fibroid has anything to do with the apparent lack of an embryo inside of me.

Just to be sure my RE has me going for a high-end u/s series (abdominal and vaginal both) in radiology this afternoon.

My partner was so sweet in that he wanted to come to the appointments with me, both for moral support and to see what is going on. Aside from that thought, it is amazing to see the extremes he has gone from "it was too soon for us anyway" to "it was mine too and you have to let me deal with this as well". Just as paradoxical as the infertility discussions so many of us have had with our partners. Me I wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV all weekend and just grieve, he on the other hand went on a cleaning mission both inside and outside the house -- probably to take his mind off of things.

We were totally at each other over the weekend we were both so stressed by the news from last week's u/s. He wasn't listening to me and that was really getting on my nerves. No, it wasn't like I was asking him to put the laundry in and he wasn't listening, this was more like I'm not sure we should have 50 people over on Saturday for our birthday party because I don't know how I'm going to be emotionally. We're working past it.

PG loss isn't something that is easy to take at all. I hope that you are spared from this experience but it can and does happen.

Still let's keep our fingers crossed for this afternoon's u/s results.

I haven't posted here so much in a while, I was off of NPC (natural progesterone cream) for a while during my acupuncture treatment for my uterine fibroid. I did have a positive pregnancy though and my RE had me use progesterone suppositories. Last week I found out that we have a blighted ovum so I stopped using the progesterone. I thought I would add my experiences with being on it and off of it in higher doses just to help add to the information pool.

The week I found out I was pg, several days after AF was due I was having a lot of light contractions in my pelvis. My progesterone tested at 18.4 ng/ml at 18dpo (I think it was). I used my Emerita for a few days until the Rx was filled (prescription was lost at first - argh!) and that helped keep the cramps under control.

I started using the suppositories (50mg) as directed, twice a day when going to bed and before I got up in the morning; about 20 mins before I was advised by the nurse and I shouldn't worry about it after that since that was about all my body would absorb so she had heard from the pharmacist. Vaginal progesterone suppositories aren't fun, they melted for hours and added to the discharge so I had to wear a pantyliner at least and they might still leak onto underwear and clothing.

I thought my pg symptoms were really crazy how strong they were -- sore, sore breasts, bloated belly, mood swings, my head felt like it was full of cotton, nausea daily (mostly felt like motion sickness coming on)... Now that I'm off the progesterone I have to say that I feel sooo much better and more like myself. I haven't had any cramping really since I've been off the suppositories, my breasts are still sensitive but not quite so "punchy", and my belly is more normal.

I stopped using the progesterone cold turkey in the hopes that it would help my body realize that the pg wasn't progressing but no such luck. My temps are still up in the AM (around 98.6), no sign of anything vaguely looking like spotting or cramping.

My fibroid feels enlarged but until my uterus isn't swollen by the pg anymore I can't tell really about any growth. I didn't have any constipation problems from being on that much progesterone, actually after I stopped it my digestive system was totally blocked feeling and it's taken every diet trick in the book to get things moving again (sorry if TMI).

So, my experience with higher doses than we use for topical treatment is that progesterone is really strong stuff. (and don't put it anywhere near your breasts as I learned months ago, that will make them blow up like balloons and hurt like the dickens -- although I had the same reaction with the higher dose suppositories).

I'm doing okay. Feeling majorly blocked in this weird way and I am having strange dreams like military or police taking me away because I'm in this odd status of pregnant/not pregnant. Last night was one after another dreams about trying to get the pregnancy tissue out of me. I have a follow up appointment with my RE tomorrow AM to see what's up.

Stopping the progesterone, plus the emotional upset has really messed up my digestion. I don't have a major loss of appetite but when I do eat I can only eat a half portion before I feel horrible. I've also been horribly constipated, which I wasn't before stopping the progesterone. My breasts are still sore but not as over the top large as they were with the progesterone. That progesterone is really strong stuff, it made me feel like I was in a haze, contributed to bloating, heightened my mood swings -- not fun stuff. I'm glad to be off of it.

I also wanted to add that I took a HPT yesterday and it came back negative. My test on June 9th was so strong it just about blew me over. Having the negative test means that my body is starting to shift gears already. I do have to say that I'm feeling very tentative and unsure about this next part in the process. I wish it would just be over, actually if it could just mirror my period symptoms I would be satisfied because at least I know what that feels like.

The thing that is so strange to me is that there is so much talk and information about infertility, pregnancy, and childbirth but there doesn't seem to be a lot of information about what happens when the embryo dies. I feel oddly blocked and uncomfortable in my lower abdomen. I don't know if it is mild contractions or what, it isn't that specific. My body has already started making shifts, my breasts are significantly less firm, my belly less bloated. I feel less in a haze than I did while the hormones were up, my head is more clear than in weeks. I'm not as thirsty and already I'm not having to get up 3 times a night to go pee. I have a loss of appetite but that it normal for me, especially when I'm grieving. My sleep pattern has gotten even more wacky but I'll just ride it out.

I find the early pregnancy process to be fascinating in a scientific way; that the recognition of the fertilized eggs can trigger such dramatic hormonal shifts and at the same time how the mother's body helps so much to foster the egg/embryo in the early weeks. My body was so ready for this that it took it a long time to see what had happened. I am thankful that I knew what happened before instead of having random bleeding and not understanding the cause. Minor blessings but still worth recognizing.

I don't know that I'm stronger than anyone else, I have sorrow as well but I try to embrace it. I can't talk to anyone because it makes me cry too much, I can write about it though, that helps me get it out.

I had a transvaginal u/s, the 5th one I've had in the past couple years. The sac was well defined, in the fibroid you can see tissue details. My period is like clockwork and I've never missed a period since I started menstruating in 1984. I also was charting and my CF was really clear as to when ovulation was, I either ovulated on May 23 or 24.

I really don't think there is anything growing inside of me beside the sac. The doctor even said, with someone who is so clear on the dates (and I have been charting since April 02) there should be a well sized embryo with a heartbeat at this point. I just don't see how it could have been missed although I have heard of doctors missing women's small fibroid on u/s as well. I do have a follow-up u/s scheduled for next wednesday since the doctor said they don't dx blighted ovum with just one u/s.

I took a HPT today to see if my hormones were dropping and it came back negative. [it must have been due to dilute urine] I think that is a good sign, at least my body is starting to move on. My sister and a friend have called me but it just makes me cry to talk to people right now. How did it happen that we went from waiting at the doc's office to see our embryo's little heartbeat to nothing. What an emotional rollercoaster.

I emailed my acupuncturist and he said it was best to work with my RE on this part. I'm hoping that my body won't be stubborn and that stopping my progesterone suppositories will help to end things naturally. I had felt a shift in my hormones this week anyway, perhaps if I am lucky it was a reduction in HCG production.

I did find this link with information from midwives on ways to medically complete a "missed abortion".

Completing A Miscarriage
http://www.gentlebirth.org/archives/miscrg.html#Completing

Here's someone's reading list from Amazon.com on herbal abortions -- no I don't think I'll be going that route, I found some other links that talks about how toxic it is for the mother.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/3HF72ORQ4LT0R/104-7136724-1655966

That term "missed abortion" doesn't bother me as much as "miscarriage" (or as much I expected it would) since my mother had three miscarriages before she had us three kids and besides to me, right now, that term "miscarriage" sounds like I did something wrong and I don't think I did.

It is not even 5am yet and here I am awake again to the reality. When I woke up I had my left hand laid across my uterus. I guess this is even bothering me in my sleep.

blighted ovum - pregnant with nothing

I had an u/s this afternoon which showed a good-sized gestational sac but nothing inside of it. The doctor was relieved that I already knew what it was -- a blighted ovum (aka anembryonic gestation). I feel so perplexed though, human condition-psychologically challenged and all that. I went from pg to pg with nothing. I'm still pg and my body is still hormonally chugging along.

Having to tell the group of family and friends what has happened will have its own challenges and I wonder if I can tell them in email or a letter. Right now though I'm just wishing I could get off this train to nowhere and just have my body be normal again.

My partner was shocked because he didn't know that such a thing could happen at all. I feel bad for him, he was so excited about our pregnancy.

There are lots of good things about this, I know some of you who have had recurrent losses probably don't feel that way even if you ever could -- I'm sure I would feel the same way myself. My list of good things:

1. I got to be pg for 3 weeks
2. I got to stop being a fertility-challenged person for a few weeks
3. I got to stop worrying about my fibroid and how it might be impacting my fertility
4. We proved that our equipment worked
5. We did it without medical intervention
6. We didn't have to do IUI in July as planned
7. I got to miss my 7-day period for once in my life
8. I've learned more about the amazing process of gestation first-hand
9. I was waiting until this u/s to tell people at work so I don't have to now
10. I get to be me again for a while (if the sadness doesn't overtake me).

My sincerest condolences to everyone who has to go through this.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get my body to flip the switch and change tracks? I contacted my acupuncturist already and hope to see him next week. Maybe he will give me some Chinese herbs to take. Please help me.

it is disappointing but yes, we did prove that the equipment works. And I got to be pregnant for a few weeks even. And it made my fibroid seem like not a big issue and I even got to give the infertility stuff a break. Those are all good things in my book.

I hope you don't mind my sharing but I think we've all been through enough for you to understand. It's just kinda weird going from potential to nothing. I have been and still am pregnant even though there isn't anything other than the sac growing, so this doesn't negate that experience at all. In some ways I'm a little glad because riding on the pregnancy hormones can be a little rough. I did notice some change this week, maybe my body was starting to drop off production of HCG. I felt awful today, even before the u/s though. I already planned to take tomorrow off so I had an extra long weekend. If I am lucky my period will come while I'm away from work and I won't have to have a D&C.

It still is an amazing thing to see, even if for a very short while, how your body can shift gears and start running this other program. I hope you all can experience it -- and me too again soon.

I asked the doc and he said that we should continue trying on our own and just wait a month for my cycle to get back to normal after this fully clears out.

It wasn't me, I didn't miscarry (that seems to place blame on the woman I think), it was just a bad combination of chromosomes. I'm thankful that it is early if this had to happen.

My worst day ever

My u/s didn't go well this afternoon. I have a well sized gestational sac but it looked empty as anything. It looks to be a blighted ovum. I'm a little bummed right now, packing up my stuff at work to work from home tonight.

I have a follow-up u/s next week just to be sure but I think it is over.

Today I feel totally icky and beside myself. I just feel restless and ill and weepy and nauseous all at once. I leave in a few minutes for my u/s and check up with my RE.

I don't have a scale at home so I don't know what my weight change would be. I feel bigger but who knows.

One of the foods that makes me really nauseous is the smell of rice, you know that corny-like smell it sometimes can have in asian restaurants. Someone brought some into the office before I left for lunch and I was about to... I don't know what would have happened but I did feel ill so I left for lunch.

I had two perfect peaches this morning that were heaven. I was craving them so it was especially nice. What are your favorite fruits right now?

I'll post after my u/s a little later.

I really appreciate my vasectomy reversal buddies online, they are the only ones who know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone you can only cross your fingers to have a child with. It is a big gamble and it takes a lot of emotional strength to get through it, especially when you are fighting with a strong biological desire to have children (that would periodically hit me and I couldn't talk to anyone about it). I even asked my atheist partner to pray for me (he does have a spiritual bent in spite of himself), I told him that he should do it because I wanted him to (while crying of course).

My pg symptoms have shifted this week, less of the car sick feeling and now onto vague nausea (there is a difference I swear). Yesterday I threw up in the morning, right before I had to head out the door to my chiropractic appt. I think my prenatal vitamin didn't agree with my stomach. Today has been better. I've been able to push through the fatigue more now, I think it has evened out a bit as well so I'm not quite so sluggish in the afternoon. I have my ultrasound tomorrow afternoon -- can you believe it will be July already?

I'm going on a picnic with a friend on Friday and skipping out on work for maybe the full day. I didn't get to go to NY so I'm due a little R&R. I'll probably be doing some catchup work for the office over the weekend anyway.

Just FYI, someone at my office is in a relationship with a man who already has teenagers, a divorce (of course) and a vasectomy. She's going to be 40 in October and struggles with the fact that her fertile window is closing but her boyfriend, however committed he may be, is not interested in having any more children. Everyone here is lucky enough to have a partner/spouse who was willing to undergo an extremely uncomfortable procedure to restore their fertility. Count your blessings.

A woman I met on the chat yesterday told me to eat sour things like lemonade and sour candy; she said it helped her through her pregnancy. I've been drinking a lot of limeade and grapefruit juice and it seems to go down easy enough. I read that anemia can make m/s worse and that taking b-vitamins can help (although taking vitamins is tough when you are feeling already) I tried candied ginger the other day as well, it helps with seasickness so I thought it might help. It was difficult to think of it as appetizing but it did seem to alleviate some of the stomach discomfort.

Email to a friend

> You may remember my telling you about my fibroid and
> needing surgery and
> all that -- doctors were so wanting to cut me open
> and it felt so
> intuitively wrong. I had even scheduled surgery for
> the beginning of
> October and I cancelled it. The rest of last year I
> spent every weekend,
> and many other days whenever I could slip it in,
> researching more about
> fertility and fibroids. I met with several more
> doctors, consulted with
> a researcher in Toronto all to try to get a better
> handle on what my
> options were. I was pretty depressed too so that was
> why I wasn't
> calling really.
>
> At the beginning of this year I finally found a
> reproductive
> endocrinologist I could get along with who was far
> more supportive than
> the other 2 I had spoken with about our situation. I
> also started going
> for acupuncture treatment weekly starting in January
> and had my
> partner taking lots of vitamins and supplements to
> help improve his
> fertility as well (he had a vasectomy and reversal
> and his morphology
> was poor). I figured that Western medicine wasn't
> offering that many
> options so I had to try the alternative route to
> help preserve myself
> and my fertility. If that didn't work then we would
> try fertility meds
> and insemination -- but we put that off until July.
>
> I have some news though, I'm 5 weeks pregnant with
> our first baby. I
> can't tell you what a relief it is and we are
> soooooo proud that we did
> it ourselves without medical intervention. Our baby
> is due in February.
>
> So anyway, I'm in a much better place than I was
> last summer/fall/winter
> and I would love to see you.
>
> Take care and I'll drop you a line in a few weeks to
> set up a date.

Crazy day today. I woke up and while half asleep was sure that a) it was Sunday and b) that I had slept until noon. I actually woke up at 6:30 today and rather that check the Ovusoft boards I decided to bake a coffee cake.

So, while it is in the oven (the coffeecake that is) I'm drinking raspberry leaf tea and eating a homemade blueberry muffin (I go through baking waves and I'm on one right now). About 30 minutes later though I have an odd feeling come over me and I make my way to the bathroom and throw up a couple times and then it is done. Soooooo weird.

Yesterday I was actually feeling more normal and less queasy, I thought I was getting lucky and that my body had balanced whatever was off balance. Well, that is not entirely true as I started gagging yesterday when I caught a strong whiff of cleaning solution but I factored that as being just my sensitive nose.

My acupuncturist and I have been emailing and he said he can help with nausea and fatigue. I'll probably go for a visit next week and he can let me know if everything feels all right from an energy standpoint although I'm feeling pretty good I think.

My uterus is expanding on the left, the opposite from my 6x7cm uterine fibroid so now I have two little mounds just below the skin about a 1/2-1/4 inch. I think I might have said before, but I'm not sure if I posted it here, in December my doctor said that my uterus was the size of a 14 week pregnancy. I'm used to my fibroid so it isn't a huge concern (we'll just watch to see if there is any rapid growth). The thing that has my attention is that I need to prepare for a change in my pants and skirts sooner rather than later since there isn't much room left in my pant fronts already.

I'm scared of going into maternity boutiques still so maybe I'll just have to buy a larger size for a while.

I just finished the Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy over the weekend and evidently it is common to either have more sex drive or none at all. Orgasms are supposed to be more intense as well. I recommend using a lubricant since things are a little changed hormonally and that definately helped me.

My tummy is sticking out too. Looking at myself in profile in store window reflections at lunch I thought -- who is that pregnant woman? No one else would think so but the boobs don't look like mine and the matching belly sure looks to me like something is up. Just keep eating healthy foods and don't worry about it I guess. The appetite seems to come with the territory.

Don't you all find it so amazing that our bodies are able to switch gears this way. It is amazing to see the changes, I feel like I'm just a passenger myself along for the ride.

I noticed this morning when lying down that my uterus is starting to
grow to accomodate the pg a little more. With my 6x7cm intramural
fibroid on the right side (which the uterus has be heretofore wrapped around) it is now starting to expand on the left side. So, if you feel my lower abdomen you can feel two lumps side by side. I'm just finishing my fifth week so it will be interesting to see how things grow. I expect that my fibroid will move up and out of my pelvis but it will be interesting if the distended uterus pushes it to the front, side or back. My fibroid isn't causing me any problems, it doesn't feel to me like it is growing and I'm able to still go to modern dance class just fine. All good so far.