My Ghost Pregnancy

I had a massage appointment yesterday, the first one with this practitioner since my loss in July, though I did have a massage after my m/c just at a spa with a couple friends. I highly recommend getting a massage after you have a miscarriage especially one with some abdominal work, you will probably cry during it but you are crying anyway so why not let it out while you reconnect and take back your body. It really helped to get rid of the pain in my abdomen.

After my appointment my practitioner asked me about my massage. I talked to her about it in great detail, from the physical pain, to the emotional anguish, the heightened physical sensations I experienced and the continued sorrow. I cried and used up quite a few of her tissues. I told her about how most people want miscarriage to be as long as the word is -- over in an instant. But miscarriage as we all have seen is a process and even after your body heals there is a lot of emotional trauma of the experience that needs to be worked through.

I told her about my ghost pregnancy now, the one that has me comparing calendar dates and events to where I would be in my pregnancy, should I have stayed pregnant. I told her how hard it was as I approached the dates around the end of my first trimester, and as August closed and I should have been shopping for maternity clothes.

I also confided that I can stand the thought of seeing my pregnant SIL who is due a week later than I was in February. And how every pregnant belly jumps out at me. Or how I can't really look at babies anymore because it hurts.

I talked about things that people had said or done for me that were helpful, more than half of them were things that women said to me here on the Internet. We talked about how miscarriage is combination of life and demise, birth and death take on new meaning in this process.

She thanked me for sharing with her, and admitted that she had never really known what happened in a miscarriage or that it could take so long. She also asked if there was anything she could do, or that I could do to make sure others in my life knew how I continued to feel. I'm not sure though writing a letter comes to mind. I also feel, though perhaps it isn't fair or nice, that I should share this experience in such a way to make it a tear-jerker, like in the movies where they make you cry. Then I would know that I had gotten through to them and made them hurt too.

Last night I had a dream, I've been having such vivid dreams this whole summer. In this dream I was in a clinic and I was losing a second pregnancy. In the next bed over was a woman who was losing a baby in her second trimester and there was blood everywhere. I remember wrapping my arms around her and crying into her hair and she wailed on my shoulder and I told her how sorry I was. It isn't the kind of dream one can forget about easily. I know that it was triggered in part from talking about my miscarriage in such detail, but it shows me how changed I am in that I had no horror at the blood, only sorrow.

Miscarriage Factoid

I had a miscarriage in July, actually it was more like an abortion since my body didn't miscarry on its own. Having seen the dark side I would like to share some information with you that you probably don't know.

Miscarriages are not like in the movies, over in one scene. They take time, they are painful, and recovery takes weeks if not months. Also, miscarriages are really awful and anguishing. I used to think when I heard about someone's miscarriage "oh that's so sad". To go through one is a 4-dimensional experience of hell and enlightenment. It's more than sad. To the pregnant mother her baby, this idea of baby or embryo or fetus, it died. It doesn't matter that something was wrong with the pregnancy, we have really strong instincts to take care of our young and being pregnant is no different. Even if you couldn't see the baby it was still there and it died along with the idea of being a mother, your new family and all the planning and changes that one would have to make in preparing for the baby's arrival.

If you hear about someone having a miscarriage you need to reach out to that person and at least say you are sorry for their loss, no different than if you heard that someone's parent died. Don't start trying to think of things beyond that such as "it was for the best", "it wasn' t your time" or "it's God's will" -- you don't know and those things aren't helpful. Things you can do are send flowers or drop them off yourself, send cards or letters of condolence. Don't expect the greiving mother to take phone calls, it is really hard to talk on the phone I've found when you can't stop sobbing.

Also, the pregnancy might have ended but that pregnancy has marked time for the mother and father. The due date is supposed to be a difficult time, any other events one had imagined from clothing or furniture shopping to holidays are reminders of the non-pregnant state, that baby that isn't coming. Keep your love and support coming if you can, it is greatly appreciated.

I'll do a separate posting about what to do if you are having a miscarriage or are helping someone through the actual physical process.

Between a fibroid and a hard place

I've been on this long journey over the past 2 1/2 years. I went from not being ready to get pregnant, panicked about the thought of it, to where I am today which is still recovering emotionally from the loss of my first pregnancy.

Along the way it hasn't been easy, I found out I have a large tumor in my uterus which is called a fibroid. It is benign but they don't really go away on their own. It may be compromising my fertility but the only treatment offered to me was to have major abdominal surgery to have it out which could cause pelvic adhesions which could really compromise my fertility. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't (I'm beginning to notice that theme in my life...hmmmm...)

My fibroid and I are having our second anniversary this week since we first met. Maybe I'll bake a cake. I have not named my fibroid though I know women who have. And I only have the one, I'm monogamous when it comes to uterine fibroids.

At any rate I've done a lot of research into male and female fertility, hormones, supplements, diet, lifestyle, and a ton about fibroids and other gynecological conditions and I'd like to share with you what I have learned. I do think there is more than one way to skin this cat and I hope you find my research worthwhile.

(This was my very first post here.)