Little hope links

For you Crystal, for when you need them.

The Flood (even more poignant in light of the recent flooding of New Orleans)

Footprints in the Sand

Why Good Things 'Don't' Come to Those Who Wait

Should I be happy or sad?

Ah sh*t I'll just be cranky, the PMS is really doing me in this month. All the acu and herbs and diet changes and here I find myself back at square one. At least I know how to manage my stress better and I can fight my anemia a little better without the heavy periods. My breasts are killing me, I'm feeling uncharitable to say the least and I would love to just go home and sulk by myself for the rest of the day.

I also think I'm coming down with a cold -- I'm sneezing and mid-LP my immunity always plummets. My theory is that it has something to do either with the hormones or the anemia or perhaps both. Progesterone compromises your immunity slightly and then with my body devoting more blood resources to building up my endometrium this time of month maybe it just tweaks my anemia and my resistance slumps. Who knows.

I've found out in the past day that two of my fibroid sisters are pregnant now, both moving along okay so it seems. I coached both of them through the pre-myo stress and now they are going to have babies. Considering how many more women with fibroids I know online who aren't getting pregnant I should be celebrating the miracle. Me, I just feel a bit dejected. I think I would rather know that someone in a similar situation to mine was having success but still it bites a bit.

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Is anyone actually reading this blog? I get so few comments that it makes me feel like I'm a bad blogger or something. I appreciate the few of you who drop notes now and again. Thanks so much for your continued support.

Talking about it

Lately I've taken to selectively letting people know, when they ask about whether or not I've had kids that I've had two losses in the past 18 months. Rather than say "maybe" or "perhaps" I figure its better to speak the truth. It's something I've wanted to do anyway, let it out there and let others recognize it. I've also added when appropriate that we've been trying since 2002, just to let them know how long the road has been (too long).

I was on the phone with my mother last night and mentioned that we were going on vacation to some place tropical and that we might as well since we don't have kids. She responded in a way that sounded negatively to me, like I was lame or not trying hard enough to have kids. I think it is just her own disappointment at not having grandkids to spoil but it felt a bit selfish and mean to me. It was probably due to what I said, though you know that hidden behind that cavelier phrase is a lot of pain and agony over the same subject.

If my mother only knew that basically my heart is broken and that Christmas feels oddly hollow to me this year. That psychologically I'm bracing myself for the fun weeks ahead in January and February when I get to live through my EDDs of my two dead babies. That I'm in the middle of my luteal phase and trying not to think about it, about how my sore breasts mean nothing, how my period will show up again -- that my body feels like a punishment to me right now. Maybe if she knew she would be a little nicer. But who wants to go into that level of depressing details with me, no probably not even my mother.

Fatigued

I know I'm out of shape, since with the miscarriages and surgery and anemia my body was feeling like hell; and then my back was terribly out of alignment as well so that caused further reasons to not want to move. I've been taking my iron for months to try to build up my iron stores but now I need to start dragging my butt out to get it moving to start gaining some more strength and endurance. Also, aerobic activity helps to promote the production of more red blood cells so provided my iron stores are closer to a normal range it should help build my blood oxygen in many ways.

I went skiing yesterday for the first time since 1989. Yes that's right, I haven't been downhill skiing since the 80's. In addition to my known fatigue I also knew that my muscles are a little weaker so I had to pay attention to how tired I was to make sure that I wouldn't injure myself by overdoing it. I only did four runs down the mountain before I finally fell (only once all day!) and decided that it was time to rest. My partner and friend went back out in the afternoon but I just rested in the lodge. On the way back home I was falling asleep in the car (unusual for me) and I went to bed at eight-o'clock and slept for eleven hours. How's that for fatigue?

Here are some links about fatigue that I found:

Fatigue: When to rest, when to worry

Anemia and Fatigue

Anemia Symptoms

Puzzled by fatigue: what can I do when my doctor says my lethargy is caused by stress and that there's nothing wrong with me? … and more of your questions answered here

Precaution Can Be the Best Remedy for Skiing Injuries