It started finally. I woke up around 4:30 this morning to some cramping and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding. The cramps got stronger after that so I couldn't go back to sleep so I'm up watching a moving on cable with my hot water bottle against my lower back.

I have my last drawing class of the session today but I don't think I will be going. It's not a good time with these cramps all.

At least it is the weekend.

In spite of my aching ovaries we went out for a nice dinner together last night. My partner ordered a fabulous bottle of red wine, 1998 vintage from Europe (he loves '98 and '99 from Europe as they were noted as great years for growing grapes). The wine helped, getting a little tipsy helped.

I was so tired by the end of the day yesterday, it's be a long week. I had work to do last night but I couldn't do it so I just made do today.

My spotting has progressed some, it reminds me more of what you get after the peak of your period. Still there is more stuff in there than my lining and that will have to come out sooner or later. I felt bad this morning so I called in sick and told them I had food poisoning. Whatever. I've been working from home but so far nothing exciting happening on the miscarriage end of things. Maybe soon, over the weekend.

I was just thinking that for all the time I said "Please God. Please God" it didn't work. I've had to work so hard to get pregnant and then I lose another one. My partner did get me pregnant twice within a year period. And the third cycle since our last pregnancy and my surgery. That's not too bad right? We should have hope.

A bunch of my infertile and miscarriage buddies have just gotten pregnant recently, I'm a tiny bit jealous but I'm also so excited for them. They too have worked hard and waited a long time for their tiny heartbeats. Hopefully I'll be pregnant again soon enough.

I got a letter in the mail from my RE's office yesterday; she's leaving the clinic. That's 3 for 3 RE's that I've seen and they all left that practice. They do excellent work. During my d&c last July one nurse mentioned that the hospital administration was the issue. Too bad and sad because people really need good help and they were all excellent. I would never go to the group that had formerly been at the University of Washington so let's just hope that we can do this on our own. Again, so far so good right?

My ovaries hurt! Ow!

Hmmmmmm...

Slow slow slow.

I did some qigong again last night after nothing much happened yesterday and even the spotting was slow. Spotting picked up right away after that. Still slow.

This morning I started stimulating some of the acupoints that are forbidden during pregnancy. A couple hours later I had a little more spotting with a touch of pink.

Now I feel still a bit blocked. I want thing to flow. I'll have to do some more qigong.

I have a meeting tonight but I think I will cancel so I can deal with this instead. It's a reasonable excuse, no? Well, but the excuse I will give is that I am sick. I'm not actually, but I don't feel well. I feel ick and stuck and not like dealing with an evening meeting.

Nothing much to report. Pretty consistent brown spotting now, cramping on and off but not very active cramps yet. They slacked off a bit yesterday but then picked up again right as I was going to bed but I was able to sleep through unaided.

People online have been so nice and supportive. Some of them are so sad for me that it makes me get teary. I don't feel that bad, I'm a bit more sensitive but I'm also feeling a bit quiet about it. It's very different this time.

I was pregnant and it grew -- my breasts, belly, nausea and peeing -- then it started to decline and it's almost the same but backwards -- smaller breasts, smaller belly, no nausea and regular peeing. It's weird but having had two losses diagnosed around the same time in my pregnancy, it starts to tweak you sense of reality a bit. Pregnancy for me is something that begins and ends, but not with a baby. It's just a weird uncomfortable hormonal routine and then it goes away. I wonder how I will feel if I ever get past the first trimester.

Who are those people who get pregnant and go on to have babies the first shot? That used to be how I thought it went but not really anymore. I expect something to go wrong. Those people must be a different species than I.

I just called and cancelled my scan. The nurse Debbie at the RE clinic I go to said that was fine and she understood. I told her that I would wait a week to see if things resolve on their own and then we could decide if we need to do a scan or bloodwork or anything.

My partner dropped me off at the office on the way to his consulting gig. That was nice of him. I'll have to take the bus home (or a taxi) but today has been pretty uneventful.

By the way, I really don't think at the end of the day that my liver qi stagnation had anything to do with my loss. I think something just went wonky with it. Maybe it was the delayed ovulation, maybe late implantation. Someone else I know had a beta level at 350 or something on CD14 and while I know that beta levels are all over the place for me it might just be a sign that something wasn't right. Maybe it was because I waited until CD 8 to supplement my progesterone. Maybe it was just messed up DNA.

I'll do some more qigong when I go home this evening to see if that will move things along. I can't remember if I mentioned it here (I must have) but in October when I went to a health resort with my friend and we first tried qigong, several hours later I passed a chunk of my retained tissue that how I know that it can move the immovable.

We are climbing Jacob's ladder,
We are climbing Jacob's ladder,
Higher, higher.

I think this is going to be easier this time around. My hormones have been dropping I believe for the past two weeks so it won't be such a dramatic dive as the d&c caused last time. I'm thankful for small blessings.

I'm still a bit crampy at work, but mostly it is like bad menstrual cramps. It isn't the kind of cramps that take your breath away. They still might come, usually it is when the cervix starts to dialiate that you feel those and some nausea (it would happen when I was passing clots from heavy menstrual bleeding as well).

I feel a little spacey and tired and I have a bit of a headache. In the center of my head. Maybe it is my hypothalmus or something getting adjusted.

Cramps, cramps and more cramps

The cramps started yesterday evening with increased spotting. Still nothing that dramatic, no bleeding yet. I slept with a hot water bottle to help alleviate some of the discomfort. I feel a bit relieved that things appear to be moving along on their own though dealing with the bad pain and bleeding which is almost inevitably in my future during a busy work week when we are short staffed and have numerous deadlines isn't much fun.

I'm sipping passionflower tea this morning, it's a nerve tonic and hopefully it will help calm the cramping a bit so I can function at work. I've been trying to figure out which is better to drive to work or to take the bus. They take almost the same amount of time but one I have control over and the other I don't though if I take the bus I can always take a taxi home if I don't feel like driving. Blah.

I had faint spotting last night. That and some vague cramping that I could feel in my lower back and just all over my abdomen. Nothing happened over night and this morning there isn't more spotting but I expect to start bleeding sooner rather than later and if so I'm a bit relieved. That would be a lot easier than last time.

Yesterday I started thinking more about whether or not my liver qi stagnation and depleted kidney yang could have impacted my pregnancy. It was the fact that my breasts started hurting again that suddenly I realized that my liver qi stagnation was acting up yesterday since I really didn't feel more pregnant; it was likely caused by the emotional trauma of Wednesday's scan. What if the dagger feeling two weeks ago was related to my liver qi stagnation as well? Granted the majority of miscarriages are due to genetic problems with the embryo but what if the qi issue had something to do with it. We won't ever know but I did find some interesting mentions about it.

The next three quotes are from Chinese Medicine and Infertility; Ancient Solutions for the Modern Couple

"Infertility due to Liver Qi Stagnation manifests mostly in women and is a frequent cause of unexplained infertility. This is because this type of Liver stagnation effects the blood flow in the pelvic cavity. Acupuncture at the right time in the menstrual cycle, in conjunction with an herbal formula and some counseling, is effective in dealing with this issue. However, because of the often long standing nature of this condition resolution and the restoration of balance may take several months of treatment. In the final analysis it really depends on each individual's specific symptoms and circumstances. Despite the amount of time involved, the resulting pregnancy is a more than welcome reward along with the added benefit of emotional clarity that arrives when the Liver organ/meridian is less toxic (stagnated)."

"Dysfunctional family factors also play a major role in the upset Liver, and may cause the condition to exist for quite some time." [oh yeah, I've got this one nailed]

"In oriental medicine we say that all chronic imbalances effect the Kidney organ/meridian network. What this means is that if a person has a weak constitution i.e., is pale, feels cold is undernourished, etc., then this is a result of either prenatal (genetic) influences and or a lifetime of habits and illnesses." [I was getting sick so regularly that my friends were all concerned. From colds to flu to bronchitis I would get sick every 6 weeks or so. With the lifestyle changes I've made this is no longer the case, I still get sick but definately not as frequently]

Here are some other references that piqued my interest:

"in TCM it is said that the Blood nourishes, the Qi protects, and the Kidney Qi holds the fetus."

"In TCM theory, the liver ‘stores blood’. The liver is the organ most closely related to our emotions. Good emotional balance comes from the smooth flow of liver Qi, and the normal flow of liver Qi depends on sufficient blood nourishment."
Alternative Woman's Health - A Look at Traditional Chinese Medicine

If there is itching of the nipples, this is stasis heat in the liver channel
A Discussion on the Diagnosis and Treatment of Infertility

"In addition to giving herbs for infertility problems, traditional Chinese medicine recommends herbal formulas for such problems associated with pregnancy as morning sickness, threatened miscarriage, and postpartum depression. One well-known formula, recommended to be taken three to six months before attempting conception, is called "The Rock on Tai Mountain Decoction."

The formula is intended to build up both the woman's qi, or life energy, and her blood. In Chinese medicine it is thought that the mother's blood nourishes, the qi protects, and the qi in the kidneys holds the fetus. Chinese practitioners use acupuncture to assist conception by clearing the stagnation of qi in the liver; to prevent miscarriage by conserving qi in the kidney; and to induce labor."
Pregnancy Treatments

I've found little references here and there that one can continue using dong quai in pregancy to continue to help with liver qi stagnation issues.

Unfortunately my acupuncturist is away for a month and won't be back for another two weeks. In the meantime though I'm going to keep doing my qigong since that seems to be helping.