I found that as I got closer to the end of my pregnancy I started to be able to let more of my fears go and just be. I hope you will find the same as you get into those final weeks where the baby's health even if s/he should come early is more certain. I still am amazed at how long it took for us to get here, but I learned so much along the way (not that it was all willingly experienced) that I know I'm stronger for it

I've talk to my partner some in the past few days about how many tears I shed thinking that we would never get here -- negative doctors, difficult diagnoses, our losses, the surgeries, etc. And, for all the times my partner was like "it doesn't matter to me either way if we have a baby" he's now totally in love with his baby and he's upstairs right now working on editing songs from his band on the computer with Jonah in a pouch and he can't wait to have the chance to bottle feed him in a few weeks.

I don't know if one can ever totally reconcile what infertility does to you, but in the present moment there is such a sense of satisfaction and joy at being able to take care of this perfect little guy (with his tiny puss) that I can honestly say I'm happy -- tired yes, but happy.

My animals have been a little out of sorts, but mostly they are doing well. One cat pooped in the hallway the other day but I've been slowly showing him the baby, giving him extra attention (or even just more of the regular attention he's used to) and extra brushing and he seems like he's relaxing about it a bit.

We are co-sleeping at the moment and rather liking it -- all three of us. It makes it easier to give each other a bit of a break over night, even if just for a couple of hours, to know that the other one is one duty with the baby. We've also had some giggles with middle of the night diaper changes when we put the diaper on the wrong way or the baby decides to shoot out some poop right as you are in the middle of changing him into a new one -- twice in the space of a minute. We'll continue to make adjustments as needed though as my partner is going to have to be able to get a bit more rest overnight so I'll be likely doing more changes and feedings in the nursery in the coming weeks. My partner goes back to work tomorrow -- only 4 days off though he's going to work from home when he can, and work shortened hours.

I've got to eat some lunch before we head out to the pediatricians for a little check-up. Since we are nursing they wanted to have Jonah checked a couple days after we left the hospital for hydration, jaundice and weight. The kid has been nursing so vigorously and soiling so many diapers that I would be surprised if he isn't over his birth weight already.

Just dropping by for a quick note. Baby's sleeping downstairs with Grandma at the moment so I've got a bit of a break.

So Jonah's birth weight was 8.05 lbs. His discharge weight was 7 lbs 7 oz. At his ped appt. he was back up to 7 lbs 13oz. -- so gaining over an ounce a day.

He's a great eater, and getting him to latch hasn't been that difficult. Granted it takes us a few tries but we're both determined and we've always worked it out.

Little things I've noticed over the past few days...

In spite of a careful latch I still developed tiny blisters on my nipples in the first few days, which then scabbed over slightly. Lansinoh helped to get me over that hump. I don't see how one could not get blisters though as the suction of the little one isn't like something your nipples can prepare for.

Milk letdown has built up over the past few days to the point where the breast I'm not feeding from will start leaking while I'm nursing. It's good to keep a towel on hand to help out with that and the inevitable spit up.

Lying in bed the other night I suddenly felt like my breasts heaved a little on their own, and I got a tiny little headache in-between my eyes (yin tang point in acu). I figured out quickly that it was letdown -- just on its own, without nursing -- probably because I was just relaxing thinking about baby lying next to me. I've noticed that I get that little headache for a few minutes at the start of letdown at each feeding -- so weird and I'm thinking of asking my acu about it.

I haven't had a lot of post-partum bleeding, just pink. It does increase some after a feeding and I can definately feel my uterus contracting while I nurse -- which at the moment just feels like an uncomfortable pinchiness -- probably due to my c/s.

I'm learning about my baby's patterns when he requires attention -- usually it is tied to digestion. He fusses b/c he is hungry, has bubbles (or is trying to help move food in his GI tract) or is trying to have a BM. These things can happen in almost any order though, so you start with the obvious:

If he's rooting he's hungry
If he's rooting but fussing and won't latch then he either needs a diaper change or he's in need of a tummy rub
If he starts fussing in the middle of a feed then he needs a tummy rub or a burp
If it's been a while since he was last changed then start with a diaper change
(lather, rinse, repeat)

Since my milk came in we had to adjust our expectations as there are now more wet diapers to deal with. Also, he can eat more than his stomach can hold and in the middle of the night I went to pee and came back and my partner was asking me what this big wet patch was on the bed. It turns out that Jonah had a huge spit-up all over my partner and the bed.

Here's a suitably cute pic of Jonah

Jonah is an awesome little guy, pretty alert (always looking around), eating really well, and cooing a lot. We're really enjoying our time with him.

Friday was a bit rough (no I don't recommend c/s if you can avoid it) as I was overwelmed and drugged up. Still we got nursing going well and it was great having my partner, mother and sister there to help look after Jonah.

My milk finally came in today, and not a moment too soon -- I was really mindful of getting him to latch well but colustrom sucking hurts after a while. The meconium poops were a yucky mess there for a while too, but now we're moving on and they are easier to clean up.

I came home yesterday afternoon, pretty tired but ready to leave the disruptions and overmedicating of the hospital behind me. It's been interesting trying to sort out a little bit of a schedule and where to change him etc. but we're figuring it all out. I love to hold and look at him, he's so tiny and perfect