The Belly

Here's my first belly shot from 15w1d. I don't think the angle quite does me justice but it was the clearest out of the lot I took. I know I look positively average build but it's very odd for me to be growing this much and out of my clothing. My arm is covering up part of my butt where I think you might notice a bit more heft to my figure. Normally my stomach is a few inches in, not having it's furthest part in line with my boobs.

Growing

I've got to go do some more shopping right now (RIGHT NOW), the wardrobe pickings are becoming slimmer and slimmer. It might just be me though, as my goal is to de-emphasize the belly. I had to try on 3-4 outfits this morning and was almost stuck. I'm not ready to be outed yet. I don't think I want to be treated like a pregnant woman.

Its kinda weird having my uterus grow now but not have it be like the first time where it grew really fast due to the fibroid being in there as well. My belly is about as round as it was post myo now, and a bit bigger than when the fibroid was in there -- but since the pg is softer and and more fluid than that 9x11cm fibroid it isn't as uncomfortable. Still though, things are definately starting to pick up in the belly growth area. I don't really know how large Twyla (the new fibroid) is, I'm rather assuming she's grown some but modestly.

Feeling a little more real

Hearing the heartbeat the other day really helped make it feel more normal now, like if this subtle check of the heartbeat can happen so easily then the kid must be doing pretty well in there.

My partner and I were talking, it is pretty amazing when you consider that this pregnancy is happening after:

Vasectomy in 1994
Vas Reversal in 1998
Fibroid dx 2002
Miscarriage 2004
Fibroid surgery (myomectomy) 2004
Miscarriage 2005

And all without doing the whole Clomid/Follistim/IUI/IVF/ICSI plan that four REs laid out for us. When I see my online friends and acquantainces and all the things they have tried it does seem a bit odd that we just used acupuncture, herbs, supplements, lifestyle changes -- plus our surgeries -- to get this party going.

Yes it took a long time. Yes it was emotionally grueling. but somehow taking more aggressive action seemed like trying to force it and we didn't want that. When you factor in those basic statistics (which may or may not be accurate) that post vas reversal your chances of success are 50% and after a myomectomy they are also about 50% then which percentage was left for this kid to happen?

I always felt that somewhere in the statistics there was a place for me, and I tended to think that perhaps I was in the minority but that didn't mean that things couldn't happen for us. I know that we approached the entire situation differently than many others did, but we knew from the start of our relationship that our chances might be compromised due to the vasectomy. I think that same fact made my miscarriages harder to deal with -- how can you have success and no success at the same time. How can you feel like you have proved your fertilty and still walked away without a baby?

My parents returned home Thursday night. I was nice having them here and getting to talk and share the pregnancy with them. I'm not really able to do that with too many people, other than online yet. I'll save that for another post.

The sounds

pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish bonk PWISH PWISH PWISH pwish pwish pwish PWISH PWISH PWISH bonk pwish pwish

Kinda like that when the doctor put the doppler to my belly at my OB appointment this afternoon. The heartbeat sounded fairly swishy and sometimes it would get louder and sometimes quieter, as the baby would move around. The bonks were when the baby was crashing into me I guess. My partner was fascinated, he concentrated so much on that sound. He's a musician outside of work, and so that was right up his alley. He said he would like to sample the sound, though of course he didn't bring a recorder.

When I showed up they showed me "the routine". I have to go check in, then pee in a cup and put a little test strip in to check for glucose and protein (mine were just about perfectly negative -- just a hair off in shade for protein). I then get weighed and I was pleased to see that I've only gained 2 pounds since my last appointment, so I'm up around 10 pounds total, but I'm not absolutely sure what my weight was pre-pregnancy as I don't have a scale.

The doppler is interesting, just a little battery operated dohickie. I just had to lay back and give my doc access to my lower belly. He saw my bikini scar from my myo for the first time. I didn't need to strip from the waist down or anything. The heartbeat came up right away. My doctor was suitably pleased; it's nice how keen he is on having this go well for us.

I got my ferritin checked as well, and should have those results in a few days I hope. My doc asked me if there was anything else I wanted to get checked while we were at it, but that was all that really needed checking.

My doc said he would show me where my uterus was and I assured him that I knew exactly where it was. I guess I got familiar with it, having that large fibroid in there. In case you are interested, this site, about halfway down the page, has a couple tables showing fibroid sizes in comparison to fruit and pregnant versus non-pregnant uterus sizes:
http://www.fibroiduae.com/fibro5.html

My next appointment is in a month and they will check fetal measurements during a more detailed ultrasound. After that I'll have a regular check up.

More about my shopping trip

I went shopping with my mother at a maternity shop on Saturday. I can't deal with shopping normally and maternity shopping I don't find all that fun. I work with a lot of guys and then there's our complicated history -- so its not like I'm dying to share the news. So while I'm there, looking for things that will help me out over the next couple of months at least, I ran into someone I know who had previously, quite adamantly told me she never wanted kids. She was 20 weeks along. She tried for a year and then got assistance she said -- probably clomid or something. I mentioned that I hadn't told anyone (outside of the people I told early on) and then elaborated that after 4 years of trying and two miscarriages (not to mention, which I didn't, the fibroid surgery and vasectomy reversal) it wasn't something that felt like an easy thing for me. I said it loud enough and I swear everyone in that boutique got quiet for a second and the clerk looked at me. Yes, I said the bad word in a maternity shop. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage.

It still feels all unreal and tenuous for me. I know I have no control over it, I just have to go along for the ride. It's weird to think that there's something inside of me -- but then I have my next OB appt tomorrow and I worry that something won't be right. And then when I think about February and having to take care of the creature that comes from within me -- all the time(!) I think that maybe I had no business getting pg in the first place. Sigh.

Still Not Out

I still haven't told anyone at work about my pregnancy but I'm now 14 weeks. It's going to be hard to keep it from people much longer but I really don't feel like telling.

My mother is in town visiting me and she asked me when I was going to tell my staff and I said perhaps not at all. Can't they just figure it out on their own?

I feel like my emotional history with fertility is so loaded that people trivially saying "congratulations" to me is just so not even on the mark.

My mother and I went shopping today and got me a few more things to wear. I now have a new long sleeve tee, stretch corderoy with a demi band skirt, brown maternity dress and maternity black jacket that is suitable for work. The jacket has zipped up darts in the front that can be opened to provide more belly coverage later on. So add those to one pair of demi panel jeans from the gap and my bigger undies and it's a start of a new wardrobe that will keep me from going naked.

It's weird how I keep moving through my closet and eliminating things as they just don't fit any more. My favorite corderoy jean jacket that's all cropped and fitted can't be buttoned any longer -- mostly due to the new larger rack I'm carrying for instance. Another Ann Taylor top that I really like is now poised for the storage closet as the "girls" were busting out the other day. Either that or else I need to become less of a prude. At least my socks still fit.

Phlegm Again

I don't know that I've really mentioned it but for the past few weeks I've been having more and more problems with post-nasal drip. It's gotten so bad that I have been gagging in the mornings. It was getting progressively worse. While I might have had a touch of some slight illness last week that didn't help, this was something else. I knew that I needed to see my acu about it so I got in this morning for a treatment.

Evidently my spleen qi was depleted and that was letting the phlegm overwhelm. She did a lot of points on my legs to help dry things up, and amazingly within 20 minutes my sinuses weren't congested any longer. Phew. I hope it holds a while.

She asked me how I was doing with the blood building foods, evidently I'm still showing signs of blood deficiency (not unexpected though). I also asked her about foods that I should be eating or not, as with the pregnancy it is a little harder to be as rigid about some of the diet, especially when my body is so demanding of food and sometimes quite specific about what it wants. She said some dairy was okay, but definately not ice cream (oops). More corn, celery, melon, rye, turnip, scallions, kidney beans...

My acu today asked me if we thought we were going to have a boy or a girl and I replied that we definately were planning on having either a boy or a girl. My other acu had guessed based on my pulses that we were having a girl but today the acu who usually sees me checked and she said she was going to say boy. She said my kidney pulse was strong for female but everything else was boy.

My french teacher also thinks boy. My early sense of it, in the first couple of weeks after the BFP was boy. I guess we'll see eventually.

My next OB appointment is on Tuesday afternoon. My partner will be there as well. I love that he is so committed to participating in this with me. He says "it's mine too."

I find this point of pregnancy is a little quieter, less nausea, body more adjusted to symptoms on the whole. Yeah, I don't fit into a lot of my clothes but if I sit still I can still pretend that it's just regular-old me that isn't pregnant right now. I kinda like that. But man, when I look in the mirror I'm just amazed at my expanding figure. The boobs! The belly! The butt!! I don't think I've ever been quite this big in my lifetime.

Today is Saturday August 12th 2006.
You conceived on Saturday May 27th 2006
and your due date is Saturday February 17th 2007.

77 days have passed since the conception,
and you are 189 days before your due date.

You are 13 weeks into your pregnancy,
and you have 27 weeks to go.

You are in the 2nd trimester.

29% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 71% left to go.


From my pregnancy calendar on the AmazingPregnancy.com site.

My first maternity purchase

After my only pair of pants that fits quit on me yesterday I decided it was time to buy something. I stopped by The Gap in downtown Seattle on the way home from work, hoping no one would see me, and ducked into the maternity area. I was looking for some dark jeans and they had a couple options, not brilliant but enough. There was one pair that matched and fit like I wanted to, a demi panel bootleg pair with room for my belly and butt to grow if they want.

I also grabbed a few other things to try on, a skirt, a sweater, but those items made me look more pregnant -- something I'm still trying to downplay. They had this odd looking thing on the wall and it took me a while to figure out that it was to help envision how big your belly would be (beige, polyester with velcro, strap-on belly falsie that it was). I tried it out for a second with one top and promptly removed it as it freaked me out to look at that body shape. I don't want to think about getting that big!

I didn't feel as awkward as I might have thought, probably because necessity was really driving my shopping trip. I decided to hold off on buying anything else until my parents come to visit next week. That would be a good thing to do with my mom.

My sister dropped by last night and told me not to shop at Pea in the Pod -- she said the store name freaks her out. Ha! I'm thinking that checking out maternity consignment might be worthwhile, there's a place nearby.

Just came across this blog post from Chic Mommy which reveals the true extent of what motherhood can mean.

Shopping for Undies

So I had a client meeting in another city nearby this morning and when I got back downtown I realized that the underwear I had on was just not going to cut it -- or rather was totally cutting into my behind and I hate VPLs.

So I stopped by Macy's and bought new knickers and three new bras -- that fit me. Well actually the knickers are a size 8 which is a bit loose, but I started out a size 6 and that's basically a no go at this point. I had some 7s that fit well from when I had my abdominal surgery, and a few 8s that are loose as well. But really, I needed more so that I wasn't having to do laundry every 5 minutes.

Bizarrely I've already gone up a full band size. I was between a 32/34 and between a B/C but now I'm between a 34/36 (favoring 36) and about a C. I'm so excited about better fitting bras.

I'm rather pleased with myself, even if the increase in garment sizes is a little daunting.

My fever went away and gradually throughout the day Monday I felt better.

My uterus seems to be a bit higher now, about 1-1/2 inches above my pubic bone. I'm sure I'm measuring ahead height wise but I've got that fibroid in there too. I'm hoping Twyla will take a break now that we are approaching the next tri. There's a chance that her growth will slow down.

I went out for sushi last night and I was dying as I wanted to eat the usual. I did indulge in one piece of raw fish only, and a couple of sips of Sapporo (beer) and was quite contented. Otherwise everything I ate was either vegetarian (umejiso) or cooked (ebi). We went out for dessert afterwards, there were three of us, and each ordered one so we could all have a taste. I came home and ate an orange as I was still hungry.

that's funny, me at peace.

Someone online said I that seemed at peace. Rather I'm just trying to hold it together with all my work responsibilities, being short staffed and so tired all the time. I don't have enough energy to worry all that much to be honest -- but that seems a far cry from being at peace with things.

I've had a fever today and I was sooooooo tired this weekend. I'm not sure what it is but my body was really not happy about it. I'm so tired that I wonder if it is normal or not - I'm thinking not quite as if I was like this in the wild I surely would have died or been eaten by now. I keep asking myself how I could go through this again if we wanted more than one (hoping that this one makes it).

It's weird for me b/c ppl IRL that know want me to be happy and I'm just okay. (reminds me of The Smiths lyrics "and I'm not happy and I'm not sad. The dream has gone and the baby is real..."). My partner's mother asked him if I was less fearful. Um, hmmmm. It's like you can't even say anything b/c she so obviously doesn't understand what it is like to try so hard for so long and end up with death instead of life coming through you. Yes, things are happening now but nothing is a sure thing and those of us who have witnessed loss firsthand know that only too well now. My SIL was trying to be nice and ask about things last week and I don't really have anything to say other than how far along I am now. I know my parents are cautiously optimistic, hopeful but still cautious -- and they want a grandbaby so badly, at least I think they do.

Late First Trimester Symptoms

So, the symptoms have shifted over time and I thought I should post an update less anyone think that it's all the same throughout the first tri.

Around 9 weeks I slowly started feeling a little less nauseous -- only to have it swoop back in for a few good bouts. Still it was amazing to have those quieter moments. I didn't want to take my prenatals for a couple of weeks, not sure why my body wasn't into it. Now I'm being pretty good so I'm sure things are fine.

I have shifted my eating pattern pretty well -- I eat breakfast (fruit juice, toasted whole grain waffle with nut butter, fresh fruit); mid-morning snack if I need (fruit); lunch (sandwich quite often, sometimes eaten with a break in between to aid digestion when things were working slowly); afternoon snacks (ice cream, tortilla chips, soda, fruit); something as I'm heading home (fruit leather, fruit if avail.) and then dinner. I try to make sure I'm getting one good portion of protein a day, and including enough water. If I don't drink enough during the day then I make sure to hydrate a lot in the evening -- which does result in a lot of bathroom trips overnight but at least my body can do the cleansing it needs internally.

I haven't really gotten that much bigger, just a bit, from my first weeks. I guess I'm less bloated and a teeny bit more full. I'm up about 8 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight (I can't remember if I posted that yet). My breasts are a little less sore than they were, though my nipples are more sore -- at least it seems so to me. My breasts are definately bigger now, though thankfully no one seems to have noticed at the office. Skirts and dresses are working out a bit better for me as well and some pants I just can't wear to work.

My uterus has pushed a little above my pubis at this point, with the right side feeling achy from the fibroid growing in the wall -- it's familiar from the first pregnancy unfortunately. It doesn't bother me all the time, though a couple of weeks ago I felt it was aching more. I don't feel my uterus all the time, sometimes it's like nothing's going on at all. It's most present in the morning when my bladder is full -- or when I tried wearing my jeans to work yesterday and the waistband felt really uncomfortable down low on my belly.

I do have food cravings -- more like I'll see/hear/read about some food item and randomly my body will fixate on it. Right now I have an unfulfilled craving for meatballs and spaghetti, a cheeseburger and macaroni & cheese. I know that these things mostly won't make me feel great so I'm avoiding for now.

I am still tired. Tired, tired, tired. I mostly go to bed before 10:30 (sometimes as early as 8:30) but I wake up and I still feel tired. I pee usually two times before midnight, once in the middle of the night, once in the early morning and 1-2 times before work.

Sleeping, peeing and eating -- that's what I do these days. Surely there's some preparation for a kiddo in that pattern -- eh?

Thoughts on the First Trimester Screening

I have the option of doing this test if I want (all tests are optional really though) and I sort of always dreaded the thought of making a decision about it. Now, being here at almost 11 weeks, the decision is in front of me squarely -- and I find my instincts, my being, is telling me not to do it.

It's taken me four years to get this far -- which is why I'm now over 36. We've had two losses, early on, but both of them were drawn out over weeks, not to say months for the first one (July-October). I also had fibroid surgery -- and I've got a new fibroid growing.

I'll have a c-section either way, due to the fibroid surgery. I'm in a major city with an excellent hospital so it's not like labor is going to cause any complications. But none of that is my concern.

Having lived through my losses, I know the stress that waiting can bring when you already have the bad news. It's not something I want to bring on myself. It would be crushing for me, and I don't see any good that will come of it. I didn't ever due ART or hormones or anything, opting instead to find other means of healing my body enough to let it be able to carry (other than the needed surgery). I think even if I end up with a sick baby, I will feel more at peace with that than with knowing -- there's nothing to prepare for, what happens happen. I would rather let fate or God have a hand in it and just live with that outcome.

Come what may.

The Kid

The scan shows s/he's measuring 3.5 cm right now.

When the baby came up my partner's first reaction was "he looks just like me" LOL, what is he thinking. It's nice that he had such a strong sense of affiliation with his unborn.

The doc said that we're not out of the woods just yet, but that everything looks great.

Let's see what else, we met with a nurse first who gave us this booklet from the hospital and all these brochures to look at. Then she started asking questions and explaining things to us like we were going to have a baby. You have to imagine what it was like for us, as we were both sitting there thinking that maybe we would have a kid but then maybe the sky was about to fall again. In my head I was like "blah, blah, blah...yeah whatever if you want to pretend we are having a baby" It was very surreal as she just went on about this and that.

They asked about genetic defects and testing in several ways. I think we're going to do the first trimester screening where they look at a few measurements including primarily the nuchal translucency screening, plus some blood work to rule out big issues (hopefully). I've seen how women get online when they get results that put them in the possible range for an issue and it isn't pretty. That's my key hesitation. I'd have to do it in the next couple of weeks and they gave me all the codes to run it by my insurance company.

My doc started going on about appointment frequency and delivery and then I reminded him that I was a mandatory c-section -- unless of course he was feeling daring. He assured me that he was not. I gave him a copy of this article I read through an Ovusoft link this morning about a "natural c-section" and told him that I didn't know that I wanted to necessarily do something like that but perhaps he might find it interesting and we could discuss it later. We also brought up with the doc about how my partner didn't like being there for the d&c with the vacuum and not being on good drugs like I was -- he understood. At least this way we can address it as we get closer to delivery, about how we can make sure my partner is comfortable with the plan.

My next ob appt is in a month about. Sheesh, I would be in the second trimester then already.

Early Pregnancy Success Rates

Everyone online is always wondering when certain positives are linked with a reduction in the chance of pregnancy loss -- and a greater chance of having a baby. I've looked it up an found these references:

The loss rate after a normal scan was similar in symptomatic (10.6%) and asymptomatic patients (9.1%) and declined progressively with gestational age from 17.0% at 6 to 7.9 weeks to 4.3% at 12 to 13 weeks (P < 0.01, chi-squared).
From: Pregnancy outcome after a first trimester sonogram demonstrating fetal cardiac activity.

The pregnancy outcome of 347 patients with a confirmed, viable intrauterine pregnancy between 6.0 and 14.0 weeks, menstrual age, was determined. The miscarriage rate was 4.2% in a subgroup of patients without vaginal bleeding, as compared with 12.7% in a subgroup with bleeding
From: Fetal loss rate after ultrasonically documented cardiac activity between 6 and 14 weeks, menstrual age.

This one isn't an easy read, but it sort of looks like, in the absence of bleeding, the rate is around 4-5% chance of pregnancy failure after the detection of fetal heart activity. With bleeding it's a little more touch and go, with the miscarriage rates ranging from 11-16.5%.

There's a kid in there

My appointment went well this morning and I'll post my u/s pic later tonight. The kid looks perfect and measured exactly where it should 10w3d -- with a due date of February 17th, just like Ovusoft predicted.

More later. I've got to get some work done.

GTT/GDM Testing and alternatives

I've read so many times online about women throwing up from the GTT and it seemed to me that there had to be other alternatives (my friend Gato just went through that this week). I did a search and came across some interesting info that I thought might be helpful. Please feel free to add in any other options you may know about.

I have to take the glucose tolerance test and drink that awful sweet drink. I detoxed from sugar before pregnancy, are there any alternatives?

You may ask your doc to forgo the GTT unless you are actually spilling sugar into your urine. It does not have to be done routinely.

Here is another alternative from Helen.

At the beginning of December I wrote to you all asking about what I should do about the glucose test to see if I have gestational diabetes. I didn't want to drink the sugar drink because I know it would make me so sick. I mentioned it to my Doctor and he kind of murmured to bad but didn't give me any alternatives.

I decided to switch the midwifes at the office I go to so I can use the natural childbirth center. In the orientation they said all tests are up to me. So when I met with one of the midwifes I said I didn't want to take the glucose test that morning. She said instead of not taking it, she proposed a sugar sensitive friendly alternative. I'll pass it along in case it comes up with any of you.

She told me to fast starting at midnight. Go to the office first thing in the morning and have my fasting blood drawn. Then go out and have breakfast- protein and complex carb like I eat anyway. Then come back in 2 hours and have my blood taken again. She said that will tell her everything she needs to know. Now it is a bit of a pain because the test will take all morning instead of an hour, but I think it is worth it.

And one more suggestion from Julie

A few years ago (1999, I think) ACOG did a study that showed that 18 Brach's Jelly Beans (the small ones) had exactly 50 ml of glucose and was a valid alternative to the glucola for the gestation diabetes test. Women also tolerated the jelly beans much better with fewer side effects such as headache and nausea/vomiting. Maybe your care provider has heard of this and/or is willing to look into it to let you try it.
from: http://www.radiantrecovery.com/newsletter2/pregnancy.html

The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists (ACOG) said in a recent statement to the media that there is not one certain method to be used to effectively screen the pregnant population for gestational diabetes. They do not, however, know what screening is best or agree on when the screening should take place.

...

Testing for those women who have a positive screen for GDM can take many forms. The most common is a fasting glucose after a woman has been given a drink called glucola (concentrated sugar) and had her blood drawn. About four years ago some studies were done showing that ingesting 18 Brach's® jelly beans worked just as well as the glucola. The jelly bean test is a bit more pleasant and has few stomach side effects than the glucola for most women. It is also important to note that there is not one perfect time for testing for GDM and that this should be decided between the practitioner and the woman.

Jelly Bean Alternatives for Glucose Testing

Glucose Tolerance Testing

How, when, and why to test for gestational diabetes mellitus <-- great article

Some of my tips for controlling nausea in early pregnancy

These are some of the things I've been doing to help keep my nausea at bay:

* make sure I have protein a couple times a day -- typically meat, fish or cheese (not liking eggs right now) -- remember a serving of protein is the size of a casette tape

* carry snacks in my purse -- fruit leather works well, as did nuts for a while though I'm not digging the bitterness of walnuts right now

* tortilla chips have helped me out at work in the afternoon, just plain with a little salt on them

* keep the water going at all times, I carry bottles of water with me just about everywhere. I alternate between wanting plain water, water with lemon or lime in it, or wanting sparkling water.

* if you start to feel it kicking up on you go eat something right away, eat slowly while sitting down

* don't eat too much at once -- eating small amounts all the time will help prevent you from wanting to binge. Eating too much at one sitting will just cause you to have digestive problems including gas and constipation which is really, really not fun

* make sure you are getting your fruits and veggies in with your protein. Portioning out grapes into baggies I could grab on the way out the door helped, also cutting up a cantelope or pineapple and having it ready to go

* try ginger if you are having acid indigestion, it might just surprise you at how well it works -- freshly grated with hot or cold water, or even spice cookies with ginger in them can help.

* don't go for the simple sugars, they aren't going to make you feel better -- it's just empty calories and your body knows the difference

I also haven't been eating fried foods at all, and I normally eat a low fat diet that's pretty high in fiber. My mother told me that she didn't have any vomiting when she was pregnant so maybe it's partially a physiological thing that we share.

Also, the other day I just was feeling so nauseous. I left my acu appointment and thought I would be fine until dinner but obviously my body had other ideas. I dug in my purse for a fruit leather and ate that but my body was on a rampage. My partner called to let me know he was going out with a friend and as I walked along I had this dialogue in my head about whether or not I could make it home without eating something. My body decided no, so I went into Westlake Mall and ate dinner right then and there in the food court. I felt a bit silly about it, but then again not eating was not an option -- my body was starting to send those signals that something awful was going to happen if I didn't eat right then (if you have been pregnant you will know what I'm talking about). I had a mediterranean platter and felt so much better after that -- grilled chicken, hummous, salad, tabouleh, falafel, pita -- a nice well rounded meal. Be good to yourself.

90 degrees in the shade

Not typical Seattle weather, but we do get a few days here and there above 90. About the same number as we get below freezing -- if global warming and all that don't change things (who knows).

I've found that ice cream is my friend when I get over heated. At least something should help out. I'm not too keen on chocolate right now but I'm not too particular. I just had a Julie's Organic Ice Cream pop, blackberry with a chocolate shell. I also baked chocolate ginger scones this morning - so it's not like I'm abstaining from chocolate.

My Irish friend is visiting from Spain where he lives now; he's spent most of the day with us and thankfully he knows the meaning of siesta -- because this pregnant gal needs her naps. We had a really nice lunch on our front porch with a greek style salad, pita bread wedges and hummous. My friend leaves tonight, as he's off to a wedding in the morning and needs to take an early ferry so he's going to crash with one of the other wedding guest nearby. We might see him again tomorrow before he leaves.

With this heat my little belly is starting to feel a little more uncomfortable and I'm longing for loose-fitting sundresses. The reality is that I've got a few, and I'm sitting in one right now that I've had for years, but really shopping would be wise if this heat holds up. But, that isn't likely. Though, there will be more opportunities for wearing sundresses.

My parents are planning on coming for a few days in August for a visit. Which will be nice, but right now I feel like I'm just waiting for my appointment on Tuesday to tell me that everything is going okay. I don't know when this feeling that I'm going to get bad news will subside but hopefully soon.

No, I'm not worrying constantly about it. My partner and I talk about having a kid next year and we continue to make motions planning towards that eventuality. It's just that it doesn't feel real to me, like my heart isn't totally sure of it yet. Still, today marks 10 weeks and by the best of my figgerin' this is the longest I've ever been pregnant, even past the first one where I ovulated on May 24 and had a d&c on July 19 that time. This time I ovulated 3 days later and now it's three days later than the 19th. So, let's mark down another little step towards success.

Thanks for your comments. I know, I wish hiring people was easier but I think I'll know the right candidates when I meet them. And there are plenty of options we haven't explored yet.

Quick Update

I've been tired this week, not too much on the computer after hours and during work I've been pretty swamped. Here are some random things if you wanting to keep tabs on me (which is really nice of you).

Less nausea early in the week -- and then there was yesterday and today where I'm just having a hard time keeping up with my water and caloric intake needs. I think it's partially the heat and also my body maybe going through some more big hormonal changes this week.

I got my hair cut on Wednesday, the first time since April 2005. I didn't feel like getting it cut and I was also liking it being long. It was long enough that a good trim has it looking healthy again and it's still long. My stylist commented that I had a lot of new growth coming in, I muttered about being pregnant but he didn't hear me. So I guess that tale about pregnancy and your hair might be true.

My partner started checking my belly out more this week. He does it while I'm sleeping, just grabbing and feeling things. He says I'm definately getting bigger. Still not that big though and my transition clothing is holding up. Definately not that comfortable in some of my regular summer clothes though -- more that I'm not liking the way they hang on my current build.

I had acu yesterday, the first time in a few weeks. She did the standard ones that she's been doing -- inside ankles, inside wrists, crown of head. After she left the room I started feeling some achiness, it's related to my fibroid, sort of a line the runs up and down on the right side of my navel, down deep. I had it a lot this spring as well. Hopefully it was just things adjusting. I dozed on the table for a good 45 minutes and then the pain was gone when I awoke. She asked me if I had any sense of what we were having, and I told her that early on I had an inkling that it might be a boy but I really don't know. She said she was trying to check on my pulses but she wasn't sure yet, maybe next week.

My prenatal appointment and next check on things is coming up on Tuesday. I think we are ready for it. My partner is feeling pretty confident about things, me I'm just surviving -- being tired, tired, tired and keeping up with work.

We interviewed 6 people this week for a few different positions and none of them were quite right. If we are less picky then maybe. Sigh.

Nine Weeks Today

That seems like such a crazy idea, that I'm still pregnant at nine weeks. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm still pregnant and then I just press my boobs and they are still sore so I figure things are just keeping on.

I caught a virus this week, the first time I've been sick while pregnant I think. For all the normal queasiness, light headaches, fatigue and general malaise that comes with pregnancy it is in fact possible to feel worse. I couldn't eat, I didn't want to get out of bed, I had a low-grade fever, and my joints ached. Thankfully it was mostly one of those 24-hour affairs, at least the worst of it. I think that's why my mood was so dark this week though, that can happen when I'm fighting a virus.

Work was really strenous this week, I totally need some more help, particularly since my new project manager quit (but that person had some serious personality issues so it's no loss for us). I've already set up some interviews for this week. I hope that some good come out of it. It's hard to find talented people who are a good fit with our little company. We'll get there though -- we have to.

Feeling kinda lost

With infertility and loss I at least felt like there was a common struggle for me and my online buddies. Then there are all those happy pregnant people online, or the ones who obsess over every little symptom. I feel like I don't know where I fit in right now. I feel closer to my infertility and loss buddies, but I know that my being pregnant can be trying for them. I feel I have to hide it even a little more around them -- and generally I'm not boasting about it.

It's weird to not have people know at work, yet I've known for 5 weeks now. Then I have so many work responsibilities -- so now I get to do them, with out letting on that something is up, but feeling twice as bad with half the energy. I guess that's sort of raining on my parade too. The fatigue is pretty common, but I guess for me I still have so much going on that it's hard to just be thrilled about it.

I've sort of noticed that the women who seem the most thrilled tend to have invested the least in their education and careers. So, again it makes me feel like an outsider -- though I know there are lots of women out there like me as well. Besides, with infertility and all the other delays that contributed to some of us being more mature as we approach uncertain motherhood, we would be pretty lame if we didn't at least have more than pregnancy and TTC going on in our lives -- right?

The other weird part is just knowing how much the past four years have put a damper on my relationships. You find with the problem fibroids, and the infertility and then the miscarriages, that people who you were close to just couldn't deal with the intensity of it all. I found that I pulled back from developing new relationships -- and it ended up being for years. Now I'm trying to find my way out of that as well, and it feels awkward. I guess the little bit of success I've had so far with this current pregnancy has helped cushion my heart so I can speak more honestly about my losses. But then now I worry that I shouldn't let on too soon, because if something bad was to happen right now the whole world would dissolve into tears.

I guess that's the complexity of it. And its my reality.

More Nutrition Information

I found this great doc from the USDA last night which details the amount of folate in different food items.

Use the Acrobat Search feature (binoculars, fourth icon from the left on the Acrobat toolbar) to things up such as grapes or tortilla chips)

Folate Contents of Foods - USDA (PDF)


Also from the USDA there is also a tool, available online or for download to a PC, that will let you search items, enter in portion and then it will spit out a fill report on the nutritional content

What's In The Foods You Eat Search Tool

I also have these posts you might want to refer to:

Anemia & Iron Rich Foods

Non-Dairy Sources of Calcium

Tuesday

It's been two weeks since we saw that first little flicker. Kinda weird isn't it that I'm still here and my period is still staying at bay.

I've been feeling a little better, but still fatigued, and the nausea and heartburn come in waves. Today I feel like when you first get your period and you just want to stay in bed all day. But of course I couldn't. I managed to keep my growling in my head, except for one client who was being a bit stupid -- shaving 2.5 days off of our print production schedule and thinking that was okay. Not!

I think what is weird is having people expect me to be all thrilled and stuff. I just feel like I'm hanging in there. I'm not unhappy, I'm not happy -- I just am. There's still a long way to go.

My MIL spoke to my partner yesterday and said that I seemed reserved/cautious/not happy -- something along those lines. He told her I was doing fine, just being really natural about it all.

I told him that of course I wasn't thrilled, or ecstatic. We've been through too much for that. I'm doing just fine. My parents are really happy (first grandkid) and my partner is excited and that's enough for me.

I'm 8w3d today (45 days since conception) and evidently more than 17% of the way there -- since I would deliver early that percentage would shift a bit obviously. Supposedly the end of 8 weeks marks the end of the embrionic stage of development and then begins the fetal stage.

What else can I tell you...my partner spaced on our prenatal appointment on the 25th and booked a business trip then but I couldn't move the appointment so he moved his business trip --that's how much he wants to be there (which I think is really sweet).

Take care and let me know how you are doing.

Ultrasound Update

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, the acid indigestion/reflux was out of control. But eventually I crashed out. My partner came to bed late though, a couple hours later, and he woke me up and I was soooo grouchy with him. I had to get up for a while and drink some fresh ginger tea and have some cookies to try to soothe my stomach before I could get back to bed.

We got up and went to the ultrasound appointment this morning, I stopped off to buy some bottled water -- as again the acid is so bad. At the doctor's they tried to help move things along but someone was hogging the ultrasound suite so we just waited and waited. My doc came in to ask how I was feeling and to see if my symptoms were still strong and I said yes, and mentioned the lovely indigestion. He said in the second tri I could use one of the acid blockers if I still needed it. He stepped out again and my partner commented on how much he liked the doc. He's a good guy my OB.

Suddenly the door opens again and there's my doc, dragging an ultrasound machine on wheels into the exam room we are in. He said they brought down a portable, lesser quality machine from their other office since they were having that delay with the other machine. He looked so funny and determined though, dragging that machine through the door that it made me laugh. He looked like a determined little boy (and he's a mature man).

The scan wasn't as clear as last time but the baby looked a lot larger and the heartbeat was again visible. I had my doc check on my fibroid as well, to see what she was doing. She's grown but is way off to the side away from the pregnancy so there's nothing to worry about with that. No pictures today though, but they were really blurry anyway. We didn't take measurements either, it just wasn't of a good enough resolution.

My partner commented that there was no getting out of this one, that statistically each time we were closing in on the gap of having a kid. He said our bigger problem now is that we are going to have a kid.

How did this happen to me? I don't know if I'm ready for all this.

My next appointment is Tuesday July 25th, though my OB said to give him a call if I needed any reassurance. I actually told him that I almost feel better when I don't have appointments looming -- that's when I get anxious, when they go and check to see what's going on.

You've probably been checking in on me but I haven't been writing. I don't know, I guess I'm in a bit of denial about things. Sometimes I think it is going to work out, sometimes I brace myself for another loss and lots of the time I sort of just ignore it except for managing my symptoms.

I went camping for a few days which wasn't that much fun for me. It's hard to be out in the heat when your body is trying already to adjust to so many changes. Then there were the swarming mosquitoes, not fun for a pregnant person who is having to pee multiple times a night -- try not getting bites with your butt exposed. And there was my dog, who fell into the cold mountain river late at night because she was thirsty and her water dish was empty. We found her downriver the next morning, about 8 hours after she disappeared -- and evidently none the worse for wear. I've got a ton of bug bites and I'm tired and recovering.

I go in for my next ultrasound first thing tomorrow. I don't know what the news will be. I've seen too many friends online have a good first scan and a bad second scan to be too hopeful. All I can do is count out the things that I know:

sore boobs
slow digestion
contipation
fatigue
bloated belly
and my period hasn't been here in almost 2 months.

Factor v Leiden & Pregnancy

I gathered these links this morning for my friend Bridget who just found out she was pregnant again. She's got this blood clotting disorder which is one factor in her having had three miscarriages since December 2004.

Bridget and I met up in Chicago in November when we just needed time to vent about our losses and hang out talking about it without judgement. We shared a hotel room and had a great time. I only knew her online before that. Other loss gals, you might want to try it -- it was an amazing experience and we're even stronger friends because of it.

Factor V Leiden and recurrent miscarriage—prospective outcome of untreated pregnancies
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/17/2/442

The effect of factor V Leiden carriage on maternal and fetal health
http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/167/1/48

Gestational outcome in thrombophilic women with recurrent pregnancy loss treated by enoxaparin.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=10823264&dopt=Abstract

Enoxaparin ( e-nox-a-PA-rin) is the generic name of Lovenox
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/uspdi/202686.html

Pregnancy, Clotting, and Factor V Leiden: An Overview
http://www.naturalchildbirth.org/natural/resources/prebirth/prebirth35.htm

FVL-PG · Factor V Leiden and Pregnancy Issues (Yahoo Group)
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FVL-PG/

Anticoagulation Forum -- click on the link on the left labelled Clinic Locations to find anticoagulation specialists in your area.
http://www.acforum.org/

So I'm up early for the second day in a row. This time because my digestion is slow and my body is uncomfortable about it. Hopefully that will rectify itself later this morning.

I haven't posted much this week, I almost have felt like there wasn't too much to say after the shock of seeing the h/b on Tuesday. I'm relieved that so far there is nothing to grieve but I'm so tired right now and still trying to keep it together with stuff at work (yes we sooo need to hire more staff) that it's almost nice just to have a bit of a break from my previous pg experiences.

I'm amazed that we got this far, that each test and check so far has been stronger and more advanced than our previous experiences with pregnancy. I don't know what to think.

I have noticed that I look at babies a little more when I see them about, perhaps not more than before but now with a new lens. Still though, I feel this ambivalence about it. Motherhood seems a far way off and a far cry from my reality thus far.

I've allowed myself to think about the fact that we might end up with a baby here and there. And the other day while walking around I realized for a moment that I had let a little love for my embie grow. But just a little teeny bit. I check in on my embie energetically now and then and I feel like it tells me it is busy, too busy to engage with me right now.

I did go shopping this week to try to get some more clothing items that would help mask my transitional figure. Yes it is early but I mostly have fitted clothes and already my body has changed itself. I bought a stretch cotton twill skirt on sale, a sports bra in a size larger (that was nice to wear yesterday), a few tanks and a top also on sale. Nothing extravagent as thing will likely continue to change. I've only ever experienced pregnancy through about 11 weeks (the first one) and who knows what this hormone packed current experience will hold in store for me.

I've been dealing with growing bouts of nausea, some headaches, fatigue, slowed digestion, food cravings/aversion, dryer skin in some places and oiler skin elsewhere.

The housekeeping has fallen by the wayside a bit -- I think I am really going to have to hire someone to come and help us out. Between this pregnancy experience and my partner having so much work it's just not all being kept up.

So anyway, I'm doing okay. I hate when people tell me congratulations (except for present company of course) and I'm hoping that our next ultrasound on Thursday shows a lot of growth. Please, please, please?

Oh, and last but not least I wanted to let you know that two of my favorite TTC buddies online just found out they were knocked this week as well. Please send Bridget and Yolie lots of prayers.

How My Scan Went

So I show up at the OB's office to check in and the reception person doesn't have me on the schedule. She tells me that she has me down for two weeks from now. She tells me to have a seat. I sit there stressed out and miserable until she calls me back. I wasn't there for a prenatal (even though they told me when I made the appt that it was) but for a viability check. Then she told me to sit down again.

So I sit there, waiting for my partner to come up from getting a cup of coffee and that word keeps running through my head -- a viability check. Viability. Not Viable. Which is it going to be? I have viability checks because my pregnancies haven't been viable. And it makes me sad, and makes me feel abnormal, somehow less than. Then I think that maybe I should have just waited to find out, pretending that this was a normal pregnancy, but then I remember how hard it is waiting and not knowing and that I'm just looking for a little resolution right now.

Finally the nurse calls me to come in, so my partner and I walk into the ultrasound suite. She takes my blood pressure and asks me the date of my last menstrual period -- which was already written down from my last visit. I even brought a copy of my Ovusoft chart from this cycle but they aren't used to reading those I guess.

I get undressed from the waist down, and talk to my partner. He said that if it was good that was good and if it was nothing again then it was okay because we could just go on living our lives as they were. I told him that my preference was that something was growing in there because then we could just hire people to replace me at work -- having another loss would be too hard as too many people are relying on me right now. He's dithering between wanting to watch the scan in the hopes that something is growing in there -- a heartbeat even - versus just waiting outside just in case it is another empty sac. In the end he just stayed put, particularly after I said -- don't you want to be here for me?

So the doc comes in and inserts the transvaginal u/s wand up my hooha-- the magic wand which will let us know our future. And then what comes up on the screen is this:

Yes, there is something in there. There are two blobs on top of each other, the top one is the yolk sac and the bottom one that is whiter is the embryo. We saw its little heart beating, just the tiniest little flicker. Based on conception date I'm 6w1d pregnant and the embryo measured at 6w0d -- so right where it is supposed to be.

[updated to add: I think you can see Twyla Twerp in the scan, right smack in the middle of the image -- the gestational sac is sort of pointing at a grayish white blob that looks a bit distinct from the rest of the uterus. If I'm right it looks like the gestational sac is already bigger than that which is great.]


I'm feeling a little emotional right now. This morning was stressful. But, we just crossed the second hurdle in the race to having a baby -- the first is just getting pregnant, the second is seeing that there is something growing in there. Weird huh?

My doc said to come back in next week for another scan, and then my first prenatal was scheduled for about a month from now. What? I might be having a baby for real?

My last few hours of blissful ignorance

It's time for me to get ready for bed, but that means when I wake up it will be time for me to go to the doctor to see what lies in store for me.

It's like that TV show from the 70s -- Let's Make a Deal. That was the one where the contestents got to pick which door they wanted and behind it was some prize of some sort. I swear there was also a part where they could climb up a pile of wrapped presents and pick one, not knowing what it contained. Actually, I'm sort of like that.

I like the idea of a gift, somewhat even more than what it contains. In example, when I was 8 I woke up on Christmas morning at 2am (just after my parents had gone to sleep BTW) and being scared of the dark I woke my brother to see if there were presents (my brother having told me the truth about Santa a couple of weeks before). We went downstairs and the living room was piled with presents. I was just so amazed and full of joy at the look of it. I told my brother that we had to get back to bed and we could open them in the morning. Not but 5 minutes after we went back upstairs I heard the sound of wrapping paper tearing back downstairs -- he had gone back down and was opening like a madman. It made me sad, I sort of liked just that pause, the not knowing, the potential, the moment that it was.

I don't know what's behind door number 1 or 2 or any other door. I'm just taking in my last few moments with my wrapped present.

Today

I felt better yesterday and this morning I'm feeling pretty good, though I need to go eat something pretty quick. Saturday was really awful though, not sure why my body was having such a hard time.

I find that the EDDs bother me more than the dates of my losses, since for each of my failed pregnancies the process of finding out I lost them and then the subsequent resolution covered so many days (July 1-Nov 5 with my first loss; June 9-26 with the second). If this pg works out it will be right smack in the middle of the other two EDDs and if it doesn't work out, well let's just say the end of January and the beginnning of February will definately not be a happy time for me.

I had a dream this morning about my appt tomorrow morning. In it my doctor and his assistant were checking stuff out but I never saw the images and they never said "there it is" and it was all vague and I was bothered and a bit anxious about it and I wanted numbers -- how thick was my lining, where was the baby, etc. And then I woke up and remembered that it was just a day away and I thought to myself, maybe if I can just get an answer.

I'm feeling queasy today actually, and its not going away. I think I need to go take a walk.

Phew, less bloated today

I felt so much better today; it was amazing the difference. Still lots of boob pain and cravings though -- so I'm going to stick with those as good signs.

Still when things feel quiet in my system right now I just start to think that it's just a matter of days before it is all over again. When people ask me what I think about whether this one is a keeper or not IRL I tell them I just don't know. I really don't know. What does a keeper feel like exactly?

Less than a day and a half until reckoning. Sigh.

Online Pregnancy Calendars

I was trying to find one last week, so I could see how far along I would be at Christmas if this pg lasts that long (so not a usual one that just tells you how far along you are now). My partner and I usually go away that time of year to someplace warm and exotic.

With some help from the gals on the Ovusoft board I've tracked down the following pg calendar links.

Amazing Pregnancy - Pregnancy Calendar

About.com - Pregnancy Calculator

Evidently BabyZone (requires registration) has one as well.


Other calendars
These ones just showing week by week progress, but not tailored to your pregnancy

About.com Pregnancy Calendar

BabyCenter.com tracks you by the present week you are in based on LMP (requires free registration)

Pregnancy Weekly has a little ticker when you register with them that tells you how far along you are, how many weeks left, and your percentage to completion. This is an online pregnancy journal if you want to track appointments and sensations.

You can find others by doing a search on the terms "pregnancy calendar", "pregnancy calculator" and so on.

Blood thinning foods

I looked these up for a friend of mine who was diagnosed with some clotting disorders. I had come across reference to blood thinning foods a couple years ago while researching about fibroids. In chinese medicine fibroid are linked to blood stasis, the western equivalent being excess estrogen or clotting issues.

Here are some links and information about natural blood thinners and liver support that I think may be helpful.

This link about thrombosis prevention has info about halfway down the page about foods and supplements that will help thin the blood to prevent clotting:
Thrombosis Prevention

Increase consumption of:
* Tomato Juice/ tomatoes
* Garlic
* Onion
* Omega-3 fatty acids -- found in fish, fish oil, flax seed oil, olive oil
* Vitamin E

Exercise will also help thin the blood and reduce estrogen levels (which causes blood thickening)

You will also want to increase your consumption of fiber and leafy green vegetables which aid in liver function -- which helps to get rid of excess hormones in the body. Oatmeal is great, also barley and brown rice. I've got some good recipes for greens -- it's hard to know how to get more but through trial and error I've found some good ones.

Here are a couple links about how your liver functions to detoxify your body and what nutrients are required.

http://www.liverdoctor.com/03_detoxpathways.asp

http://tuberose.com/Liver_Detoxification.html

Fashion Nightmares of a Bloated, Tired and Cranky Woman

This week the bloating picked up big time. It was increasing day by day until last night I look at myself in the mirror and was shocked at how big I looked in my pajama bottoms.

This morning when I took a shower my rounded belly of six weeks pregnant bloat reminded me of how round my belly was post myo. Nice. My underwear is giving me panty lines, or rather my butt is giving my panties too much to enclose and it's just spelling disaster for my caboose. I've got to go shopping (I don't really like shopping very much) and in the meantime I have broken out the granny knickers I bought when I had my surgery and yes, they are fitting well (grumble, so much for slightly low rise pants unless I've got really long tops on)

My thighs are a problem as well, changing the dimensions of my clothes just enough so that no longer do I feel like I might be able to pull off looking a little sleek. I'm height-weight proportionate normally and I'm not eating too much, it's just that I easily put on 10 pounds of weight early on in pregnancy -- it's happened twice before as well.

I don't know what to do, wear more skirts or buy more clothes -- something's gotten happen because I'm feeling like a poorly styled lump at the moment. I guess I'll see if there is reason to go shopping very soon (like Tuesday).

I told my good friend today about my pregnancy and she was really excited for me; she knows how long we've been trying (four years). She wanted me to be excited but I explained how crying when I scheduled the appointment really put a damper on things for me.

I talked to her about how I do hope things go well with our scan on Tuesday since that will be easier to deal with than having another loss, logistically speaking, at work. We are sort of waiting to see what comes and then going to start recruiting and hiring to try to replace me if we get our heartbeat. If things are bad again it's going to be doubly rough as we are still a bit short-staffed and I'm going to have to make time for depression and emotional breakdowns. Lovely that I know what miscarriage brings so well now isn't it.

Overall I feel pretty neutral about it all emotionally, and physically I just feel like crap. We were talking about it with a friend over dinner last night and basically being pregnant, at this point early on, feels a lot like a really bad hangover coupled with coming down with the flu. I don't feel like doing anything though I did do laundry today, cook a little bit and vacuum the upstairs. I did also take a nap and have been knitting.

I feel like nothing will really make me happy right now, because all this bloat makes me feel awful. No music, no TV shows, no movies, no books, no projects, nothing. I just feel like crap.

I guess feeling worse is a good sign?

Work Worries

I'm co-owner of a small firm and it's been hard to recruit and hire enough skilled people to be able to do all the work that needs to be done. This has only gotten worse now that I'm pregnant since I can't carry as much of the load as I was prior; I'm just exhausted.

My partner is also my business partner so that makes things hard as well. He's used to relying on me and he needs to adjust to the fact that I just can't do as much right now.

Yesterday was a really strenuous day at work and I was exhausted at the end of the day. I have a new project manager and she seems to need more training than I can handle right now. My sales person is a part-time mother but even on the days when she's supposed to be at the office I'm having to do flex time with her -- she comes in late, leaves early. She's diligent but she doesn't create enough of a buffer between her work and life. I don't think she had an ideal childcare situation and now her nanny has given notice.

I ended up fighting with my partner last night when he came home, I was so over-tired and he wanted to talk business even though it was midnight. He doesn't get how much has changed for us right now, in some ways this is worse than the flu since I feel like if I push myself too much right now I'm going to kill this pregnancy. I told him that things will probably go badly next week and then I'll have to deal with another loss, and if things happen (by an act of God) go well, then I'm still screwed because I just don't have enough energy for this level of responsibility.

I feel so frustrated. And tired.

My stuffy nose and sinuses

Since Joelle asked last post, I actually think the stuffiness started around 2-3 dpo. I ovulated on CD17 (Saturday May 27), after a painful bout of pelvic pain that started the evening before which made me feel very poorly and continued the next morning. I still had EWCM on Saturday morning, a lot of it (not what I was expecting since the pain from the night before) so we gave it one more go that AM.

In addition to not wanting to drink this cycle, I also didn't schedule that pelvic massage that week after I ovulated because my body kept telling me not to interfere with it. It was kinda weird but I just kept feeling like my body was telling me that so I didn't call to see about an appointment.

I believe implantation was on Friday June 2nd, which is why I felt all hot and nauseous that day and I had to leave work early. Over the next few days I felt a lot of qi moving around in my back and limbs, not typical for just hanging out but definately a sensation I'm familiar with from qigong and acu.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I'm just trying to listen to what everyone says and take it day by day. Just one week now until my scan. Surely they will see something then.

As for symptoms, my breasts are sore, sometimes more and sometimes less, but if I press on them they are always more dense and sore. My temp is up, if I just take it before bed or whatever its usually up by several tenths of a degree -- 98.9, 99.0 etc. I have a stuffy nose, it's been going on for weeks now. I think it has to do with whatever my body is doing to my CM -- the chemical changes there are causing my sinuses to behave the same. My scalp has little pimples on it, it reminds me of when I was a teen[&:], my skins oil production seems at an all time high and yet my cuticles are a bit dry. And then there is the fatigue, I spent most of the weekend resting.

Yesterday at work I did surprisingly well and wasn't that tired, but it was such a busy day that I didn't drink enough or eat enough all day (bad me) -- I'm going to try to not let that happen again. My typing has gotten more sketchy though -- I am making so many typos all of the sudden. I also can't remember anything from a meeting a week ago except what this potential client does and what their office looks like -- not helpful when you need to help write a proposal, though thankfully I wasn't the lead on that. I'm just forgetting random stuff, and I'm known at work for my good memory. It might be that my getting up to pee at night and/or waking up early has disturbed my sleep cycle enough. Kinda weird.

Ugh. Someone please pass the Tums

This afternoon, after I ate lunch, I started having awful acid indigestion. It's awful. It's got to be the pregnancy right? This is so not normal for me. Blech.

I was just out to dinner with my partner, we went to a nice neighborhood Greek restaurant. Even eating didn't help my tummy though. I still feel ugh.

We talked about stuff, he wanted to know if I thought we could go to L.A. for Thanksgiving and I told him I just don't know. I don't really get along great with his family anyway so he's sort of figuring that me plus a lot of people I'm not super keen on, plus being possibly "all big" as he put it, isn't a good combination. I can't figure out why he is wanting to plan our Thanksgiving travel in June though.

I told him that other than being tired, not able to multi-task as well, and with a tummy ache that the bloating had dropped some and I didn't feel that pregnant. He said that I'm emotionally volatile plus a little poofier than normal so he definately can tell I'm not myself. Nice. Well, it is true. I keep reminding him of how he pushed me past my limits with my firs pregnancy to the point where I threw a book at him and burst into tears at the same time, and that he better not go there this time. (I don't think I wrote about it at the time.)

Five Weeks

Amazing how these funny numbers they come up with based on last menstrual period have you going from being a few days late on your period to suddenly being 5 weeks pregnant. Whatever, at least I can pretend that this is really happening. So if I'm 5 weeks now, then that means that I would deliver via c-section in 33 weeks. That doesn't seem long at all -- well not really.

I started thinking last night about the fact that we have a wedding to attend at the end of July (the bride is pregnant too) and what I will wear. I just don't know. That's only like another 5 weeks away. I guess if things don't work out I've got stuff that will work, and if things do work out then I'll just have to deal with that later.

Yesterday at work we were moving a lot of furniture around which required a lot of lifting and I was hovering between not wanting to but also not letting on that something was up. I took little breaks and drank water and let the guys do the heavy lifting but it was kinda weird. We got new desks for my team so we're looking oh so much more professional now.

I'm rather overwelmed at work, too much work, not enough focus and I swear I'm not able to multi-task like I used to. We're short-staffed still so I'm just going to have to keep on recruiting and get some more help in.

Images of Development by Trimester

Fetal Development
Westside Pregnancy Resource Center - This one has some amazing photos of what the developing baby looks like

The companion site to the PBS Nova Program Life's Greatest Miracle

Visembryo -- shows images of development through all the key stages.

Pregnancy Video -- Discovery Health -- good narrative explanation

Ultrasound Images

First Trimester- Transvaginal vs. Transabdominal

Obstetrical ultrasound

Amazing Pregnancy Pictures -- ultrasounds

Changes in the Mother

Your Baby's Growth Over 40 Weeks - U of M (requires Shockwave Player)

Your Growing Body & Baby - Childbirth Connection

Normal Course Of Pregnancy

I'm melting

I don't know why I thought of that, it's like that saying "I'm not sugar, I won't melt" but today I do feel like I will melt. So am I sugar? Remember that scene in the movie Amelie when the guy she has a crush on comes into the cafe where she works and she doesn't say anything and then she dissolves and crashes into the floor as a pile of water. That's me too.

So my beta result came back at 2069 which is really good. But I feel awful, like I can't hold it together today. My partner came in to talk to me at work and he was reassuring, like the nurse at my ob's office was reassuring and yet I feel like it is impossible to be reassured right now.

If I wasn't pg right now I could do with a glass of wine. Sigh.

Okay, so maybe I'm not so hot

I just got done with my acu appointment and yes indeed, I cried. I'm feeling so emotionally stressed today about this pregnancy.

She said all the pains I'm feeling -- in my ankles, in my feet, in my ear -- are key kidney points and it is typical for pregnancy to have that much going on with my kidney channel. They felt better, meaning the pain dissipated, when she put the needles in several of the key spots. I did feel some big waves of qi moving through me and I could also breathe a little better.

She thought that I would be anxious about something no matter what, but aside from the big tests I think I would be all right if I just knew that things were going to be okay this time. She said how I was feeling was entirely understandable, but I need to try to stay rested and relaxed as much as possible.

I'm to continue with my herbs and she gave me a list of things to do to try to help get through the next couple of weeks.

On the way back I stopped to get some Thai Red Curry and a mocha -- I'm not sure the coffee is good for me but I feel like I need it and deserve it today.

I only cried a little

I went in for my blood draw this morning, to check for beta and progesterone again. I had to wait even though I had an appointment with the phlebotomist (grumble). Sheesh, it's just a blood draw.

Afterwards I went to the reception to see about scheduling my ultrasound. The woman doesn't really know about loss I could tell. Whatever. She pulled out her pregnancy wheel and was trying to figure out where between 8-10 weeks was when I again reminded her that I had more than one early loss and that we were going to need to come in the week after next. She got it then, so she started throwing out appointment times. First thing in the morning? Might as well ruin the whole day I replied. I had to call my partner to see what his schedule was like since Tuesdays are usually bad for him but luckily his client is out that day so he's able to do it.

I started to tear up as we confirmed the time and when I asked what would happen next after that if everything was going well. She said that the appt a week from Tuesday would be considered my first prenatal and then they would see me again in a month, unless my doc wanted to do something different. In my head all I could think was that I needed to prepare myself for another bad scan. In the span of a couple of seconds all that horror of the bad scans from my last two pregnancies came back. I told the woman at the reception that I was having a hard time convincing myself that everything was going to be okay. More tears welled up as I walked down the hall, though I didn't outright cry.

I feel bad now, sort of emotionally strained. Why do I have to feel this way. Couldn't I just ignore this pregnancy and just pretend that nothing is happening. My partner wants to do the scan and really it should help us to not get too attached if there's nothing going on. It just hurts right now.

I'll let you know what my blood results are this afternoon.

My strange diet

I got up this AM and was online for a little while, plus I made a shopping list and sewed some buttons onto several shirts that needed mending. I was hungry and so I checked in with myself about what I was hungry for. Cold cereal with almond milk? No. Oatmeal? No...There's pot roast. Pot roast? Yes, pot roast. And so I had pot roast with gravy on bread at 7:30am for breakfast on a Sunday. Whatever my body wants must be what it needs.

My partner got up mid-morning and I decided to take a nap -- so I passed out for 2 hours. Then I made a totally amazing (if I do say so myself) salmon tart for lunch and went off to my painting class (which I totally didn't feel up to doing).

I felt pretty lousy so I just made sure that I sat down periodically and drank a lot of water and ate some stroopwafels (really good dutch cookies with caramel -- hey, all this progesterone changes the way your body deals with carbohydrates so I needed them). It actually did help so I'll have to keep that in mind over the coming weeks and hopefully months.

I've also allowed myself a bit more cheese over the past few days, I think my body wants the extra calcium right now -- and that's okay by me and my body seems to be tolerating it fine. I've developed a taste for my smokey Retain the Fetus chinese herb that I am drinking twice daily as well.

My breasts are even firmer and more sore now, my belly actually feels less bloated -- I wonder if it is because I'm making sure to drink that much more in fluids for the past week. I am still feeling shivery qi occasionally, though I feel fairly flushed all the time (but my temp when I took it was normal). If I didn't know better I would say I was coming down with something. Boy, Mother Nature did a number of us women didn't she. It's like there's no winning.

IV Iron Administration

Since my iron stores are still low and my body is going to try to increase my blood supply by 50% over the next month or so, I'm thinking that it might be time for a more aggressive anemia treatment.

I've been taking oral iron, and eating iron rich foods but still it seems to me that my body doesn't absorb iron well orally. A friend of mine had suggested intravenous iron to me a while back but I never pursued it, but I really want to help this pg in every way possible.

I just started looking up stuff about it and a recent study showed that it helped, and also could help stave off the need for a transfusion later on in pg.

quote:

IV iron "restores blood stores more rapidly and a prompt increase in hemoglobin may be achieved," they point out. Moreover, it may reduce the need for blood transfusion in pregnant women who have severe anemia near term.
From: Intravenous Iron Rapidly Treats Iron-Deficiency Anemia of Pregnancy, Dec 2005 (Obstet Gynecol 2005;106:1335-1340.)

I feel like this would be the right thing for me to do at this point. I do eat dark leafy greens, chicken, fish, occasional red meat and even chicken liver, plus supplementation (granted I'm not as good as I should be about it) but still, I don't eat crap or a lot of caffeine so this still looks to me like I don't absorb it well. And my period is way less than it was before, so that shouldn't be an issue. I'll have to discuss with my doctor next week.

447%!

First hCG: 15 mIU/ml	Second hCG: 82 mIU/ml
hCG Difference: 67 mIU/ml	Time Difference: 48 hours	Total hCG Increase: 447 % (5.5)
Daily Rate Increase: 134% (2.34)	Two Day Rate Increase: 447% (5.47)
1st Day hCGAs If: 35 mIU/ml	2 Days hCG As If: 82 mIU/ml
Assessment: The Two-Day hCG rise was 447% and is considered adequate.

Up Before Dawn

I've been up since 4am; I had to pee badly (not typical for me but then I'm drinking more fluids and I'm pg) and then all my little aches kept me up. I'm going to be exhausted by later this afternoon, even if I manage to get back to sleep.

My partner told me late last night that he had two friends call him last night to go out for a drink and he declined. He said that he knew he couldn't keep his mouth shut about my being pg and he feels it is too early to tell. He, and we, are holding out for the heartbeat scan.

This pregnancy already feels different to me from the others. With the first I felt like my pregnancy, my baby, had no soul. It was an odd feeling that I didn't really talk about. Then my scan showed that it was an empty sac. The pregnancy last year, from the time I saw the positive pregnancy test I just thought that it would just be a matter of time until it failed.

But this time, I feel like there's a spirit in me, a small one but a very vibrant one. I don't feel like it will fail. I do think it's going to be a rough couple of weeks but I'm going to do my all to try to help keep my baby sticky this time.

My doc said that typically with number like mine are he wouldn't do follow up bloodwork. He agreed with me, though things are going well, that moderate tracking of levels would at least give us more information to work with -- should something go wrong. So I'm going to have my progesterone and beta checked again in a week.

I need to figure out about a scan, though something tells me this one is a keeper.

Thanks for your support and comments. You guys are great. :)

News blast

I just got the call from my ob/gyn...

my beta is now at 82!

my progesterone was at an unbelievable 31.4 (2 days ago)!

Lupus antibodies -- negative

Wow!

Back from acu

My acu is so excited she gave me a hug[:)] I've been seeing her for just about a year (one of two acus who alternate in seeing me at the one practice) and she helped me through my last m/c.

I described to her all the little weirdness I've been experiencing, the random nausea and sinus issue last week, the light fever on Friday, odd aches and pains. The aches I know are related -- I've got a pain in my left foot in the spot where the point is for the uterus in reflexology; around my navel I feel a light burning sensation; above that in my girdle meridian there are little pains. The bottom of both feet just below the ball of my foot in the middle are achey, I've had that since last week -- that's a major kidney point and she said it was just that my body was drawing a lot on my reserves right now.

She did points to secure the fetus -- 3 inches up from my wrist on the inside of my arm, several points on the crown of my head, and several points around my ankles. I fell asleep for a little while even (and now I'm so tired I want a nap!)

She gave me a new herbal formula called Securing the Fetus that contains blood building and kidney nourishing herbs. She told me to bump up my blood building foods and then to use ginger if I was having any nausea symptoms. I'm also supposed to take fish oil capsules, one a day I think to help provide more omega-3s -- it's also another type of blood thinner and it's supposed to help both my body and provide good help for neural development for the baby. She said she wants to see me weekly until at least week 10.

I was thinking about all the people sending me prayers and sticky thoughts and trying to capture that in my body and use that energy. It made me get a bit misty. I really appreciate your support.

My temp was still up this morning (98.5) -- and really I think this implantation was a little earlier than last time. Tomorrow I go for another beta draw, I'll let you know when I get results back.

Am I making this all up?

While I was at the doctor's office this morning all of the sudden I just felt so odd -- like I must be making this up that I've got this positive pregnancy test sitting on my desk at home. I mean how ridiculous is it to have a consult scheduled already and then to test positive that morning?

But my doc was reassuring and then he called me himself (dang! that never happened ever with my RE) and let me know that my beta level was at 15 already and that it surely was something.

The appointment went well; I brought my sister along with me -- she's just back in town and I thought why the heck not. My doctor and I discussed the various options and tests we could do and he fully appreciated that I'm not a regular old OB patient. I let him know about Twyla (my new fibroid) and he wasn't too concerned just wanted to know about its placement (towards the outside of the uterine wall away from the uterine cavity).

I had 5 vials of blood drawn -- beta HCG, progesterone, ferritin, IgG and IgM. He told me to start taking a baby aspirin a day for possible preventative value (against any clotting issues I might have) and then he's likely going to prescribe me progesterone suppositories.

So far so good. I feel like I'm better hands already.

My sister told me to not read too much and my online friends are all sending me prayers which I really really appreciate so much right now.

I go for a repeat beta draw on Thursday. I don't have an ultrasound scheduled yet but I'm sure my doc will make it happen.

Miscarriage Testing

This was posted with permission from my friend ozgal who did a lot of info gathering. It's a list of all the different types of testing that you can get done. My ob/gyn today suggested that I just get the IgG and IgM tests done -- as they more common blood clotting disorders. I'll get the results in a few days time.

Here's a list of suggested post-m/c tests (with resources below):

• Toxoplasmosis


• Antinuclear Antibody Titre (ANA)


• Anti dsDNA Antibody


• Anti ENA screen (ELISA)


• APA – Antiphospholipid Antibodies (Anticardiolipin antibodies)


• Lupus Anticoagulant


• Thrombotic Assays (for clotting factors):

-- Antithrombin III Activity
-- Protein C Assay (functional)
-- Protein S Assay (free)
-- Plasminogen Assay
-- Activated Protein C Resistance (Factor V Leiden)

• Serum Immunoglobulins (IgG, IgA, IgM)


• Fertility hormones: Progesterone, HcG, Prolactin


• RIP (Reproductive Immunophenotype – natural killer (NK) cell)


• NKA (NK cell assay)


• Antihistone Antibody


• Coagulation Assay


• DQ alpha HLA antigen (male and female)


• LAD (Lymphocyte Antibody Detection) (male and female)


• TNF alpha (Tumor Necrosis Factor)


• Antibodies to neurotransmitters


• ETA (embryotoxicity assay)


• Ratio of TH1 to TH2


• Genetic/karyotyping of male/female blood


• DNA Integrity Assay (this requires sperm analysis)

Sources:
Dr. Jonathan Scher and Carol Dix, Preventing Miscarriage, the Good News. New York: Harper Collins, 2005.
Jon Cohen, Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2005.
http://www.repro-med.net/info/cat1-5.php
http://www.haveababy.com/rpl/basics.asp
http://www.illinoisivf.com/recurrent-pregnancy-loss/post-implantation.html
http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=immunology&id=374&pagenumber=1
http://www.asklenore.info/miscarriage/immune_testing.html
http://www.rialab.com/miscarriages_prevented.php
http://sharedjourney.com/loss.html
http://www.infertilitytutorials.com/miscarriage_members/hormonal.cfm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4002539.stm
http://www.gentlebirth.org/archives/miscrg.html#Prevention
http://www.sefertility.com/patinfo_progesterone.html

Please send her some prayers as thank you for sharing. She'll need them as she works on TTC post loss.

Bloated as anything

Have you ever had a cycle where you went from feeling normal, almost skinny before ovulation and then felt like you gained 10 pounds after ovulation? It's been driving me nuts and I thought to myself, surely I've not been eating that much. Even my underwear hasn't been fitting right for the past 10 days.

This morning I have my consult with my ob/gyn to discuss my care plan for my next pregnancy. I figured that to rule it out, I would test this morning before my appointment to see if anything was there. I wasn't that optimistic. I took the test and it was blank, and waited and it was blank. So I stuck it in my drawer and then after a couple of minutes I checked again. And sure enough there was the faintest line coming up. I sort of felt like something must be going on for all that bloating.

So here you go, my third BFP, without any enhancement:

So, that's three for three of getting pg around this time of year.

I'm just hanging out, bloated as anything. What a fun LP this one is. And all my pants are tight and I'm fighting with my underwear all the time due to my backside being a little too fluffy for its own sake. I swear I gain inches during my LP. My partner is out with his friends, he should as he's been working, working, working non-stop as he's overloaded with projects right now. The poor guy needs a break. Since I have to fend for myself I'm thinking couscous, salad and grilled asparagus -- I've got a load of veggies to use up.

Extended birth control use issues that could affect fertility and health

There was a discussion on Ovusoft so I looked up some references based on things that I had read here and there. Studies supposedly show that upwards of 80% of women will return to "normal" cycles upon discontinuation of the Pill. It really does matter how they did those studies though, as cycles before and after hormonal contraceptive use might differ wildly so normal isn't really as normal as you might have been if you hadn't used the Pill.

I never used the Pill, it wasn't anything other than a philosophical position -- it didn't seem right to me to introduce prolonged hormonal manipulation to my body just for the sake of more assurance against unwanted pregnancy. I was careful in my selection of partners, there were few as well that I crossed that line of intimacy with, I was willing to be diligent in my use of condoms and I knew I was open to dealing with any unfortunate outcomes of my approach. Still I ended up with fibroids and heavy period and anemia and who knows if BCPs might not have carved out a different reality for me. My sister on the other hand used all sorts of birth control including Depo and she ended up with 6 fibroids combined to the size of a grapefruit (the size mine was when it was removed after I became pregnant) and that was a good 6-7 years ahead of when I got to that point when you factor in our age difference.

Here are some mentions of the pill that might interest you.

After the pill, the copper IUD, superovulation-stimulating drugs (Clomid, etc.) or previous childbirth, the copper may be over-high and the zinc, and possibly also magnesium and manganese, may be too low. It is vital to adjust this before embarking on the next pregnancy, to avoid the risk of miscarriage or premature birth.
From: Foresight, Preparing for Pregnancy

14 women with a history of taking a combined oral contraceptive (norethynodrel plus mestranol) were studied and were found to have vaginal candidosis which commenced after an average period of 9 months from start of contraceptive therapy. 4 sexual contacts (men) of those women taking the pill were also discovered to have vaginal candidosis; they had presented with candidal balanoposthitis. 4 other men had clinical manifestations suggestive of balanoposthitis caused by hypersensitivity to the candidosis of their sexual partners. Nystatin was a satisfactory treatment in most cases; however, 2 women had to stop using the pill because of frequent relapses of yeast infections.

From: Candida albicans and the contraceptive pill.

Nutrients that can be reduced by the use of Oral Contraceptives (OC):

Folic Acid (Folate). Birth control pills tend to cause folic acid depletion and increase the risk of cervical dysplasia and vascular thrombosis, stroke, and possibly megaloblastic anemia.

B-vitamins. As several B-vitamins are affected negatively by birth control pill use, a B-complex supplement is suggested, especially vitamin B6 if depression is present.

Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid). Levels are lowered by OC use which interferes with the metabolism of ascorbic acid. Insufficient intake of ascorbate is also associated with an increased risk of cervical dysplasia.

Selenium. Selenium absorption may be reduced. Selenium is an important nutrient for cancer prevention.

From: Birth Control Pill Issues

Also since the affect of the pill cause changes in the hypothalmus-pituitary-ovarian axis isn't it possible that prolonged use actually can cause some potential atrophy of this system in how it is normally meant to function? Using a contrasting situation, if you shot up someone who was healthy with insulin for years, even at a low dose, wouldn't it affect the function of the pancreas long-term? (]more about how the Pill works here)

The pill may cause permant sex drive loss

BOSTON, May 26 (UPI) -- Women who take contraceptive pills may suffer reduced sex drive for the rest of their lives, University of Boston researchers say.

It has been long known that oral contraceptives lower levels of testosterone, and thus sex drive, and increase levels of sex hormone binding globulin, or SHBG.

While it was thought that the pill's adverse effects could be reversed, the University of Boston research shows they may be permanent, the London Daily Mail reported Thursday...

Women taking the pill had SHBG levels that were seven times higher than women who had never taken oral contraceptives.

Women who quit taking the pill still registered SHBG levels that were four times as great as non-contraceptive users.