Miscarriage Testing

This was posted with permission from my friend ozgal who did a lot of info gathering. It's a list of all the different types of testing that you can get done. My ob/gyn today suggested that I just get the IgG and IgM tests done -- as they more common blood clotting disorders. I'll get the results in a few days time.

Here's a list of suggested post-m/c tests (with resources below):

• Toxoplasmosis


• Antinuclear Antibody Titre (ANA)


• Anti dsDNA Antibody


• Anti ENA screen (ELISA)


• APA – Antiphospholipid Antibodies (Anticardiolipin antibodies)


• Lupus Anticoagulant


• Thrombotic Assays (for clotting factors):

-- Antithrombin III Activity
-- Protein C Assay (functional)
-- Protein S Assay (free)
-- Plasminogen Assay
-- Activated Protein C Resistance (Factor V Leiden)

• Serum Immunoglobulins (IgG, IgA, IgM)


• Fertility hormones: Progesterone, HcG, Prolactin


• RIP (Reproductive Immunophenotype – natural killer (NK) cell)


• NKA (NK cell assay)


• Antihistone Antibody


• Coagulation Assay


• DQ alpha HLA antigen (male and female)


• LAD (Lymphocyte Antibody Detection) (male and female)


• TNF alpha (Tumor Necrosis Factor)


• Antibodies to neurotransmitters


• ETA (embryotoxicity assay)


• Ratio of TH1 to TH2


• Genetic/karyotyping of male/female blood


• DNA Integrity Assay (this requires sperm analysis)

Sources:
Dr. Jonathan Scher and Carol Dix, Preventing Miscarriage, the Good News. New York: Harper Collins, 2005.
Jon Cohen, Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2005.
http://www.repro-med.net/info/cat1-5.php
http://www.haveababy.com/rpl/basics.asp
http://www.illinoisivf.com/recurrent-pregnancy-loss/post-implantation.html
http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=immunology&id=374&pagenumber=1
http://www.asklenore.info/miscarriage/immune_testing.html
http://www.rialab.com/miscarriages_prevented.php
http://sharedjourney.com/loss.html
http://www.infertilitytutorials.com/miscarriage_members/hormonal.cfm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4002539.stm
http://www.gentlebirth.org/archives/miscrg.html#Prevention
http://www.sefertility.com/patinfo_progesterone.html

Please send her some prayers as thank you for sharing. She'll need them as she works on TTC post loss.

Miscarriage Tips

I just wanted to write down a few things that might be helpful for people dealing with their first losses. Others feel free to add on your advice as well.

-- Unless your pg is dating more than a week behind in the 6-7 week range, you can't be sure about what's going on with your pg until you have waited a week and had a repeat scan unless you are already losing it and bleeding or have blood tests showing that your HCG level is dropping.

-- Don't just get a d&c after one bad u/s, wait a week just to confirm -- barring other situations that might preclude that such as ectopic, molar pg, etc. Sometimes things look badly and then it turns out to be just a bad scan. Not a majority of the time but you don't want to make a decision hastily and then feel guilt-ridden later that you hadn't given it a chance.

-- the medications that they use to knock women out during a d&c can have a side-effect that you might wake up crying. Doctors and anesthesiologists don't often tell women this and when you are dealing with the already emotionally traumatic experience of pg-loss this s/e can really make you feel worse and more out of control. (light sedation won't do this)

-- you usually have the option of doing a d&c under light sedation or under general. Ask your doctor about it. Some gals have had better experiences with light sedation. I've had both but only general during the d&c to remove retained tissue -- one didn't strike me as better than the other but each has it own benefits and drawbacks.

-- You can choose to m/c at home on your own. You need to know what to watch for (hemorrhaging and signs of infection) but lots of women do it. (see my miscarriage prescription)

-- Even if you have a d&c to end a failed pg more quickly you still might go into labor a few days later. (see my miscarriage prescription)

-- you might want to save the POC/baby if you miscarry at home. Some women here have planted it in their garden or even it potted plants. Some women feel guilt later if they have flushed it down the toilet. It's totally up to you what you want to do but don't feel like a freak if you feel the need to honor your loss in that way. And if you don't want to it's okay too.

-- if you have a full-time job it is hard to know how much time to take off and when. Miscarriages can be draw out affairs. Many women take at least a week off, some go back to work right away. I've alternated, going to work when I was up to it and stayed home on the days when I just couldn't cope at all. It's hard, and I think we've all had to deal with it. Know that others have struggled as you have and that it's okay. Just try to be gentle with yourself.

-- its easy to want to stop taking care of yourself after you learn of your baby's demise, wait to miscarry and recover physically afterwards. To go from being so careful about what you eat and taking all your vitamins to eating junk food and drinking wine. Try to do better than that, keep taking your prenatals as your body will need the extra nutrition as it reorganizes your hormones and body back to an unpregnant state. Drink lots of water, go for walks, and eat healthy meals. It's okay if you aren't perfect and can't manage to be super fabulous about it, just make an effort. Not taking care of yourself isn't going to make you feel better ultimately, it might make you feel worse.

-- If you have lost a lot of blood make sure to add in more iron into your diet and take iron supplements for a while. I think taking a separate supplement separately from my prenatals is easier for my body to absorb -- I take a chewable iron that doesn't disagree with my system.

-- bleeding more than two weeks after a d&c should be looked into via u/s or at least a beta draw.

-- you should have a beta draw a week after a d&c to help make sure you have no retained tissue

-- if you continue to have a dragging pregnant feeling after your miscarriage and your doctor hasn't done a f/u beta draw you might have retained tissue.if you have retained tissue that is still growing and engaged the progesterone produced post-O will make you feel more pg

-- your body can ovulate after the hcg level drops below 40-50 ng/ml.

-- you might ovulate a couple weeks later or your body might need more time to recoup and get things reset and restarted after your loss.

Introducing my new fibroid

I just had my RE appointment this afternoon and it was an interesting experience. My partner basically laid it out there for her, that we were feeling that it was worse to get pregnant than to not get pregnant -- since losing the pregnancies was far worse than not having them. She suggested that we try using Femara to induce ovulation for a few cycles, in the hopes of promoting a stronger ovulation. After a few cycles we could then move on to trying IUI. She said that really, in spite of my partner's poor morphology, that getting pregnant on our own really was the ultimate test of his fertility.

We also discussed and scheduled a HSG for next week, to check for adhesions, any damage to the lining from the two d&cs and make sure the tubes are open. Sounds reasonable, and its what I wanted.

I brought up again that I had read that low ferritin had been linked by some doctors in Britain to lower fertility and increased miscarriage rates and she dismissed me and said that she had never heard that and it wasn't something that she would check for on her own. If I pressed she would do the bloodwork but whatever.

Then she suggested that we do an ultrasound right then and there to see about any new fibroids. Sure I thought, but there weren't any when I had my ultrasounds around the last miscarriage. Low and behold, there was a brand new 2.5 x 3.5 cm intramural fibroid, but away from the uterine lining and towards the outer wall of my uterus. I was in total disbelief. I just went through major abdominal surgery just 14 months before, and there wasn't anything on the scan last June. How could this happen so fast, and in the same are of my uterus?

She said it seemed to be pushing the right ovary out of the way a bit, distorting it on the scan. How nice eh? She said she doesn't think it is causing me any problems right now. She also checked my lining via ultrasound and said that it didn't appear inconsistent which can sometimes be an indicator of adhesions. I'm going to have an HSG on Tuesday next week to check my tubes. If that all looks okay then we'll try for a few cycles using Femara/Letrozole to see if maybe there is an ovulation dysfunction that we can override.

As my doctor was leaving the operatory I said dryly, "well at least I've been growing something in there," and she totally didn't know what to say but then she laughed (my twisted sense of humor overwhelms them you see).

So what should we name this new little interloper?


Some of the lovely things you find in the RE's office.

Report from the ob/gyn visit today

My appointment went well but I was really upset by the end of it, having to explain about all I've been through. The doctor was very nice though and when he saw that I was getting upset he switched over and started saying lots of consoling, positive things which was what I needed. We talked about a c-section delivery and how he would do that and I learned some about their practice. He was a little confused as to why I was seeing an RE without having fertility treatment but finally I think he got it, just circumstantial that we hadn't yet gotten to any fertility treatments. I feel like Annie in the musical, "I think I'm gonna like it here."

I dropped by my RE's office which is now on the next floor down to say hi the office staff who know me pretty well now. Still feeling upset, I decided that I wasn't ready to go in to the office so I went home and took a nap for an hour and a half (I did get up at 5:30 this morning) and then felt tired and icky after I woke up. I cooked lunch and made some passionflower tea to calm my nerves (good stuff) and realized that I was holding my muscles related to my uterus. I've been feeling crampiness like after my HSG. I think it was the PAP that set it off, probably brought back pain memories as well.

I finally got into work after 2pm. C'est la vie right?

Gyn Appt

I posted a couple places today about looking for a good Seattle ob/gyn and someone on Babycenter's fibroid board gave me her docs name. I called over there to speak with them and let them know my story: 35, TTC, 2 m/cs, fibroid surgery, RE, etc. and also about how lame my other ob/gyn's office was and asked if they could do better. They had an opening tomorrow so I set up an appointment for a pelvic exam -- with a doc whose name had been given to me by a friend a while back -- she switched her ob in the 8th month of her pg to this guy. I'm a bit nervous as I hate having to deal with allopathic doctors and their myopic view of medicine, but I still keep hope that he's going to be nice to work with.

I'll have to go through the medical records I have at home tonight and bring along copies with me to the appointment. Oh and they told me not to insert anything vaginally for 48 hours prior to the appointment. I mentioned the prog supps and the person on the phone said not to use them. I'm mid LP though. What should I do? Use one tonight and not in the AM? It would be dissolved by then. It probably has to do with the PAP though I doubt it will interfere in a measurable way -- who knows.

I have checked my temp during the night as my partner keeps coming to bed after 1am (grumble) and waking me up. I haven't yet had a sustained high temp overnight. When I was pg the first time my temp was 98.6 in the middle of the night as well as when I woke up. I also don't have an itchy forearm which happened both times I was pg. I tested yesterday with my last FM stick and it just showed a little LH as it did last cycle around this time. The curiosity got the best of me this AM and I used one FRE (I so want to be one of those gals who goes in for a beta on CD9 and has a raging great result) and it came back negative as anything. It's still early though and the cycle I got pg last I tested negative on CD9 and ended up getting a BFP on CD13 so perhaps there's hope yet.

Stupid Hot Flash or Something

I had a night sweat two nights ago and a hot flash yesterday evening that lasted quite a while. I did a FM test which showed really strong estrogen, stronger than the previous 5 days (mid-LP) which I was testing for just to see if there was any LH or reason to use a HPT (we can all have dreams right).

I read on a menopause site that some women have hot flashes even with elevated estrogen levels. I guess that would be me. But why is my estrogen peaking this late in my cycle (cd10?)(maybe its normal -- see hormonal chart on this page -- but why does it give me hot flashes and night sweats?)

I feel like I'm such a hormonal mess and I don't know if its genetic, environmental or what but for all the acu and herbs I've done (not too many herbs) why is my body still such a freak. I feel broken.

And since my mother's hormonal pattern was really similar to mine and she's recently been dx with breast cancer its even more concerning ya know?

I just came across this page about CFS and some of my symptoms/pattern are there, particularly the kidney yang/spleen qi and kidney qi deficiency. I want to be balanced, not deficient.

Crash and burn.

I think something may have been trying to gain a hold but then it didn't work for some reason as my temps the past two days have been down. Last night I had my typical luteal phase night sweat as well.

Here are my temps:

cd9 -- 97.5
cd10 -- 97.5
cd11 -- 97.5
cd12 -- 97.5
cd13 -- 97.5
cd14 -- 97.5 (Ovulation)
cd15 -- 98.1 / 1dpo
cd16 -- 98.1 / 2dpo
cd17 -- 98.0 / 3dpo (NPC)
cd18 -- 98.4 / 4dpo (NPC)
cd19 -- 98.1 / 5dpo (NPC)
cd 20 -- 98.1 / 6dpo (50 mg Rx Prog)
cd 21 -- 97.8 / 7dpo (50 mg Rx Prog) (dip to CL)
cd 22 -- 98.6 / 8dpo (50 mg Rx Prog)
cd 23 -- 98.7 / 9dpo (50 mg Rx Prog)
cd 24 -- 98.0 / 10dpo (50 mg Rx Prog)
cd 25 -- 98.1 / 11dpo

Sigh. Someday we'll figure this out. I wish I knew how to get my body and pregnancies to work together in a friendly long-term fashion.

AF is due on Sunday. It will be good to be done with this cycle so I can work more on building my blood stores.

Less is less.

So I don't think there's going to be any good news from me this time and here's why. I used some fertility monitor tests over the weekend (starting Friday I think) and the first one I did was darker for LH than the next two and the one I did this AM showed no LH at all. I also woke up early this morning so my temp isn't good but I still think that if there was something going on this cycle that it ended already.

I know, it sounds depressing and I'll wait it out until the end but I really now don't think anything more will happen for me this cycle.

Maybe it was an early chemical pregnancy.

Back in the saddle again.

I thought about waiting until September to try again but then work demands that we can't travel to Europe so my fears about conceiving in August and being away in early pregnancy in September (just in case we got lucky) is a non-reality. So with ovulation upon us this weekend it just seemed like the natural thing to do a little BDing.

I'm feeling okay about it right now. As the days go by I'm sure I will start obsessing over my temps and chart and then whether or not we caught a shooting star but for right now, I'm okay with trying.

Wish us luck.

Back from the doctor's

There are two ways to interact with a doctor. One is to sit back and see what they tell you. The other is to research more about your situation, symptoms and options and then ask a lot of questions. I prefer the latter as the former doesn't get you very far with today's managed care and insurance limitations. Doctors seem to get a little less engaged (if they ever were otherwise I don't know) and just give you the standard answer. I don't want the standard answer, which I anticipate was that our second loss was just bad luck. I want real answers.

So, I'm waiting in a consult room and my RE comes in and asks me how I'm doing. I said I was there to see about what next in light of my recent loss since even she thought there was possibly something more. I then told her, "I'm going to throw a lot of information and observations at you and I want to hear what you think" to which she agreed.

I mentioned the diagnosis of adrenal exhaustion from my naturopathic doctor a couple years ago, about my consistently low progesterone levels at each testing (not rock bottom low but always kind of a non-performer) and about how my recent acupuncture pattern has evidenced a consistent kidney yang deficiency which translates into weak adrenal functioning.

I mentioned my night sweats during my luteal phase and she said some women are really sensitive to drops in their estrogen level. Then I told her about the night sweats during my pregnancy which she said was common. I said that while I know it is a symptom of pregnancy that the stories that I've read online don't have this symptom until further along and that the ones I've seen with it starting early have also been losses. Obviously just circumstantial but when I said I had the sweats really early on I think she understood the difference.

I mentioned my charting and about how a nurse and an acupuncturist worked together to look at charting symptoms and that I have a characteristic slumping mid-luteal phase consistent with a type of luteal phase defect -- in spite of my consistent and regular ovulations and periods.

I then brought up about my sensitivity to stress and about excess cortisol and how that might impact my T3 levels and that I'd never had a full thyroid panel done. She agreed and said lets take a look and put down for the anti-thyroid antibodies which was brought up in one of the loss forums I was on. I told her that thryoid problems had surfaced for other women in my family around childbirth and that while I had always tested normal for TSH and T4 that I wanted to make sure there wasn't anything we were missing.

I talked about my pregnancy symptoms which she said could have been my body reacting to a poorly performing pregnancy as much as anything else. I mentioned the cycle I got pregnant and all my hormonal ups and downs over the past 6 months. About vitex, which she knew nothing about and I really want to send her some printouts about it, and rhodiola rosea. I mentioned the book Coming to Term and about how it said that up to four losses in a row didn't increase your risk. She hadn't heard of the book and wrote it down in her notes to check it out. We agreed that we would hold off testing for anti-phospholipid antibodies and some of the other standard repeat loss tests for now.

She said that because I'm thin she didn't think diabetes was an issue but I told that I didn't think that I had a disease or anything, but I've noticed I'm more sensitive and want to know if there's possibly a little something there as I've definately been feeling weird about eating sugar and simple carbs. She said that one a few occasions she has come across thin women with blood sugar issues that she didn't expect and thought it was worth ruling out. I asked about testing for adrenal functioning with a glucose test and mentioned the 24-hour test my partner had done. She said okay but instead we would do a fasting glucose and insulin test which since I had breakfast will be tomorrow morning.

She said when she was in medical school she thought she had 3 out of 4 diseases that she read about. I told her that really I don't think I'm diseased but I want to rule out a few things that have shown up as a part of my acupuncture treatment and since these hormones are part of the supporting cast the affect my fertility I want to make sure that we don't ignore it. I'm not a hypochondriac really. I told her about how for years I had poor eating habits and high levels of stress and anemia -- that I really ran my system ragged.

I asked if we could test my ferritin to check my iron stores and she thought we should to the full blood count again as well. She also wanted one more beta HCG to make sure it had all gone down. Yeah well, for some reason that test always makes me sad since I've had like a dozen draws to watch me get unpregnant and only 4 to watch it rise.

When I told her about feeling like needing a little break due to all that my body has been through over the past year she agreed, it was a lot for one person to go through physically. She said when we were ready to start trying again give it a few months and if nothing happened then we coudl talk about ways that she might be able to help out, which I took to mean Clomid or another fertility drug, Rx progesterone perhaps in a different format, etc. Ugh. I don't want to think about it.

I won't get test result for many of the things until Tuesday next week. I wonder if anything will show up.

I went away to New York for the weekend, to visit my parents and brother and a few friends. It was an emotional time for me, the first time I've been home since my two miscarriages and my surgery. I'll have to post more about it when I have a chance, I wrote a bunch down on the way home on the plane.

My partner and I had dinner together last night and went for a walk and talked about stuff. We talked about the TTC stuff and when we should try again. I told him that we might need to wait and that listening to one album on the ipod on the way back reminded me of when we didn't have all this TTC crap in our lives. I asked him what he thought and he said that it was up to me, if I want to try he will try and if I want to stop trying then we can do that. We both laughed about the irony that after all we have been through now we have to worry about getting pregnant. I told him that maybe he should just get another vas done. He said that he didn't like how all our recent attempts and failures have been making me so miserable so if I thought that I could make it through with another loss or two we should keep trying but if not then maybe we need to just take a break.

My friend who I saw on Monday said she was sorry that TTC had been such a physically painful thing compared to all the other people she know who have had trouble conceiving. With my great-aunt we talked a bit about what the future might hold for me if it doesn't include children.

It's hard being 35 and having to deal with all this; less time to just step aside and let things happen so it feels. I suppose it just won't get any easier. I'll see how it goes at my doctor appt in the morning. I'm going to ask a lot of questions.

My partner and I have been more lovey since I've been back though and that's a blessing. Things were a little strained due to the m/c as it can happen. In spite of all the family crap, taking a break and even crying some both seemed to help.

Cortisol and Night Sweats

I'm onto something, a few things really but the one that has my attention right now is cortisol. I had really bad night sweats at the beginning of my pregnancy. Evidently panic attacks are associated with night sweats and I know from my partner who has panic anxiety that adrenal exhaustion triggers cortisol production. I came across a reference last week that mentioned that kidney yang deficiency was akin to adrenal exhaustion and I've been diagnosed with kidney yang deficiency -- boy doesn't it all come full circle with the night sweats.

ADRENAL FATIGUE

I found a couple of links about cortisol and pregnancy loss which I posted to the progesterone and miscarriage post, look towards the bottom of the links.

I've also been looking up about heparin and blood thinners to help stop immunological rejection of pregnancy. I posted a few weeks ago about some similar cases treated with chinese herbs that contained dongquai which is a blood thinner so I wonder if trying the blood thinner route might be worth it -- and then it is a matter of eastern or western medicine.

Just a quick one. I got my period today finally, the first time since April. Granted I had the bleeding with the miscarriage but if you've been there, you know it is different and doesn't count as a period. I had cramping and spotting last night and today and now just a somewhat normal flow. I don't think there will be anything dramatic this time, I sure as heck hope not.

It's hard not to be reminded of the last time I had cramps a few weeks ago and all that crazy hemorrhaging.

We're planning on going on a trip to Europe in a few weeks and I think we may need to hold off trying again until after that as my ovulation this cycle will land us not at home with my medical and acupuncture care in the early weeks of a possible pregnancy and I so don't want the experience of pregnancy and possibly loss while travelling, not with my brilliant history. I guess we can just do FAM for a cycle for avoidance.

Today's my birthday. I'm 35 now. That means that in Western medicine I'm now considered advanced maternal age. Whatever! I can't believe I'm 35 and I don't have any children. Life just pulls you along sometimes and there you are, not where you expected to be.

My partner got in the "mood" this morning so I thought why not. I don't really have any sex drive right now but that shouldn't stop everyone from having a good time. In the middle of it though I started crying, tears kept running down my cheeks. It wasn't anything in particular, just happened. I think it is everything starting with having to use a condom during BD to prevent pregnancy, yeah that's what I want to do right now. I have to manage my fertility. Why, because the rational part of me knows that my body needs a break and I need to make sure that I'm not hurting myself by throwing a possible pregnancy at my tired body right now. I need to wait. But waiting just makes things feel even less normal right now. Then there's so much else hovering. Like all the people who don't know. I feel like I'm putting up a brave face and all but I want everyone to know what hell I've been through. Hardly anyone IRL knows the challenges we've been through in our pursuit of a child. And now, losing my second pregnancy, I just want a little more love and kindness. But I don't want to have to tell them. Can't they just know?

I've continued feeling weepy all day and my right ovary is aching; I fairly feel like I'm going to explode somewhere inside. I think the crying is the hormones, probably the biggest drop in my estrogen level that I've had in a couple months as my body prepares to ovulate. I've got to just ride out the hormones, wave by wave, somehow. But mostly I just feel like I wish I didn't have to feel it at all.

What I felt during my brief pregnancy

It was probably more than liver qi stagnation but here were things that I noticed:

SP6 kept throbbing -- it didn't bother me last year

Breast pain that felt like I was having knives stabbed into me for days. This pain surfaced at a new greater level over Memorial Day weekend after which, a couple days later, my symptoms backed off and I had the faintest amount of spotting one day. I think that weekend was when things tipped and my body fought back against the disruption the pregnancy was causing.

Cold feet -- they were as cold in the evenings as they ever were. It didn't feel right to me.

Sweating at night

I had and still have this odd sensation of pressure above my navel.

I emailed Eastern Harmony yesterday and got a referral to someone who has studied with Randine in Seattle. I'm trying to get an appointment to see if we can't do more to rectify my imbalances. I like my acupuncturist but he doesn't specialize in infertility and I've had to suggest that we try herbs or different approaches a bunch of times. He's a little too needle work focused.

----
Here are my general symptoms we've been treating:

Uterine fibroid -- associated with blood stagnation and liver qi stagnation

I was anemic for years (just enough to have it not be a problem for my docs evidently) and this gave me other symptoms such as phlegm issues (coughing a lot, especially after meals), getting sick a lot (so much so that my friends were worried for me)

PMS symptoms starting right after I ovulated including irritibility, depression and breast pain including fibrocystic breasts (this was somewhat improved based on naturopathic and TCM diet changes and tx)

Night sweats during LP

Heavy periods that last 6-7 days

Cold feet at night, cold hands

Constipation

Stress makes me lose my appetite and thirst

Fatigue generally, depressed somewhat

Basel temps tend to lull a bit mid LP (horse pattern as per that article you/I recently posted); jaggy temps during the cycle fairly frequently

Tend to shed hair during LP and also since my surgery also during follicular phase

It's hard to be totally objective since I feel like crap (physically) right now but that's most of it.

My scan is in 24 hours (3pm PST). I can't wait for it on one hand and in denial on the other. I think to myself that maybe I can just ignore and things will happen or not. Right? I'll either have a miscarriage or a won't. I'll either have a baby in 8 months or I won't. Seeing the scan will just mean that I have to do something, feel something and part of me doesn't want to feel anything.

I feel a bit pregnant but nothing compared to last time when I was exploding with my fibroid. Realistically if there is an embryo inside of me it is the size of a pea or something, with the sac around it. Fairly small over all. My pregnancy symptoms have been pretty easy over the past week, my breasts still hurt but gone is that feeling of knives stabbing into them, my uterus feels a bit full, sometimes at the end of the day it actually feels extra swollen. My abdomen has adjusted to the hormonal bloat. I'm a bit moody -- alternating feelings last night of frustration, anger and wanting to cry. Overall it just feels like a bad case of weird PMS - is that how pregnancy is supposed to feel?

I talked to my partner last night about not wanting to tell anyone about our pregnancy and he said that he felt the same way. We're kinda of feeling like letting people find out if/when it gets noticible. We have no plans either way for telling or not telling -- I guess we'll just have to see how our appointment goes tomorrow.

I just remembered from a few weeks ago something that I thought you might find interesting. I had that BFP come up on the HPT and brought it into the bedroom. My partner and I just stared at it for a while and I remember we talked about the fact that it was probably a chemical pg and that there was a good chance that it might go away the next day. It didn't of course, but that just goes to show you how much we feel like this isn't for real.

We talk about it a little bit. We both want to have it go well but losing that pregnancy last year was really hard for us both. I woke up early this morning and remembered thinking to myself that if our scan goes badly will I be able to not feel so sorry for myself this time. I just don't know.

I'm doing okay but feeling very emotional today. My mother had her surgery and it went well, the cancer hadn't spread at all.

I'm still holding my breath until we have a scan that shows that there is something actually growing in there and not just a blighted ovum like last time. As the day for the scan grows nearer I find myself getting more and more emotional and scared about it. I've been trying not to get my hopes up at all but instead I've been feeling a bit alone about it. I just feel like I've got awful PMS and maybe it will stick and maybe it won't but it's a really hard place to be in. So when you add that on top of the other stuff going on in my life I'm having a hard time not crying while writing right now.

And depending on what treatment my mother has I might not be able to see her, because radiation would make her radioactive and pg women and children (sometimes adults as well) are supposed to stay away.

Even if you get a BFP there is no solace and you don't necessarily feel like you have accomplished anything other than a delayed AF.:(

I slept in this camisole with a built in shelf bra and I woke up in the middle of the night with my breasts absolutely killing me so I yanked it off and went back to bed. I've decided to go bra-less today which has felt a lot better. It's easier to do when the weather is cooler since the layers will hide my enlarged pregnant nipples better. They aren't grossly enlarged but still I like to leave a little more to the imagination when walking about, ya know?

My mother-in-law is in town for the weekend and so we've been around family more. That's all been fine but the key things are to avoid getting into discussions about my fertility since I don't want to outright lie about my pregnancy but we don't want to share about it either, and also to not give away any signs that something is up. The 2-3 hour naps I like to take now, my big boobs and my bloated belly are all things that we need to distract them from. So far so good (knock on wood).

I haven't mentioned it here yet, but at the end of the week when we found out we were expecting my mother called to let me know that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's really small and only in one breast and they caught it early but she'll be having surgery this coming Friday. Why is it that life has to send a good with a bad, it's almost like there was this trade-off that happened in the negotiations and it was decided that I could get pregnant but that something else bad had to happen in my life. Sigh. My mother and I haven't been getting along very well for a year now and still I'm making a better effort to call her and the like. She's loving the extra attention. We decided not to tell her about the pregnancy since she didn't deal well with my loss last year, not helpful to me and I think it brought back unresolved memories of her own losses. Better to wait until there really is good news.

Only 10 days until our ultrasound. My partner took the day off from work. I keep saying to myself over and over "Please God. Please God. Please God..."

I'm 16 dpo today and I just got back the results of my second beta. Monday=94 (14dpo) Wed=266 (16dpo). My progesterone was 13.2 but they aren't worrying about it and I'm already supplementing with progesterone cream.

I don't want to say anything until after my 6 week scan, since that was such a rough thing for us last year. After we see a baby then we will let everyone know.