What I felt during my brief pregnancy

It was probably more than liver qi stagnation but here were things that I noticed:

SP6 kept throbbing -- it didn't bother me last year

Breast pain that felt like I was having knives stabbed into me for days. This pain surfaced at a new greater level over Memorial Day weekend after which, a couple days later, my symptoms backed off and I had the faintest amount of spotting one day. I think that weekend was when things tipped and my body fought back against the disruption the pregnancy was causing.

Cold feet -- they were as cold in the evenings as they ever were. It didn't feel right to me.

Sweating at night

I had and still have this odd sensation of pressure above my navel.

I emailed Eastern Harmony yesterday and got a referral to someone who has studied with Randine in Seattle. I'm trying to get an appointment to see if we can't do more to rectify my imbalances. I like my acupuncturist but he doesn't specialize in infertility and I've had to suggest that we try herbs or different approaches a bunch of times. He's a little too needle work focused.

----
Here are my general symptoms we've been treating:

Uterine fibroid -- associated with blood stagnation and liver qi stagnation

I was anemic for years (just enough to have it not be a problem for my docs evidently) and this gave me other symptoms such as phlegm issues (coughing a lot, especially after meals), getting sick a lot (so much so that my friends were worried for me)

PMS symptoms starting right after I ovulated including irritibility, depression and breast pain including fibrocystic breasts (this was somewhat improved based on naturopathic and TCM diet changes and tx)

Night sweats during LP

Heavy periods that last 6-7 days

Cold feet at night, cold hands

Constipation

Stress makes me lose my appetite and thirst

Fatigue generally, depressed somewhat

Basel temps tend to lull a bit mid LP (horse pattern as per that article you/I recently posted); jaggy temps during the cycle fairly frequently

Tend to shed hair during LP and also since my surgery also during follicular phase

It's hard to be totally objective since I feel like crap (physically) right now but that's most of it.

I've had headaches since last Saturday, I think it is due to the blood loss, low blood pressure and also some qi disturbances. I'm still bleeding but my body was craving the dong quai herb mix my acupuncturist gave me and so I had some this morning. I drank the entire cup which is unusual for me, I usually only have half a cup of anything. I'm still craving more, though it is a bit of a blood thinner so I'm trying to be conservative. I'm also coughing, I think it is related to being a bit blood deficient as this was a chronic sypmtom I had while I had anemia for years (it's been better since I supplement regularly but I lost a lot of blood last weekend). My hands and feet hurt at night and when I wake up in the morning.

I emailed to the Eastern Harmony clinic and asked for a referral to someone who had trained with Randine Lewis, author of The Infertility Cure, and they sent me to this clinic here in Seattle.

They are pretty close to my office and in the same building as the dentist I go to so that would be convenient. I like my acpuncturist but I don't feel like we have made enough ground in the almost 18 months that I've seen him. Granted that was peppered with my getting pregnant and have a miscarriage and then the surgery and all but I think that I've still got too many old patterns sitting tight. I've beenthe one to suggest different approaches to my issues and I think we've learned more from those times than from anything else (that's just my opinion though).

I still haven't passed the sac. I'm going to do some yoga and qigong later this afternoon to try to help my body move things along.

Still thinking about that qi and what it might have had to do with this all

"Although invigorating the uterine blood can be risky during pregnancy, when blood stasis is present, if it isn't addressed and resolved, the fetus will abort."

"The herbal formula I prescribed for Christine is often used to treat endometriosis and uterine fibroids, and other manifestations of uterine blood stasis."

"[She] suffered from very severe PMS. About a week before her period was expected she became extremely depressed and irritable....Her menses were regular, coming every 30 - 32 days. She bled rather heavily, and the menstrual blood was dark red and clotty. She was always cold, especially her feet."

"During one visit, Claudia off-handedly told me that every month she experienced vision changes premenstrually. She had told her gynecologist and reproductive endocrinologist that her vision would dim and she saw floaters just before her period arrived, and they both told her it was insignificant. According to Chinese medicine, the liver, which governs the eyes and vision, also supplies blood to the uterus. This clue allowed me to hone in on another aspect of Claudia's menstrual disharmony. Although the liver qi had been rectified, the liver blood remained relatively vacuous and couldn't supply both the eyes and the uterus."

From: Immunologic, Autoimmune Factors, and Recurrent Miscarriage

Those things are my symptoms, my normal symptoms I have lived with for years.

I feel like there was something to how painful my breasts were that last weekend I felt pregnant. I think it was related to stagnation. My body didn't feel happy at all and while I know things like morning sickness also show that the body isn't happy there is something that tells me that my body was trying to protect itself instead of giving in to the pregnancy.

I like my acupuncturist but I think he's a little less practiced in fertility. I think a deeper understanding would be a help for me. I sent an email to Eastern Harmony Clinic to see if they know anyone to refer me to in Seattle. I don't see how any other treatment is going to work as just using progesterone last year made me feel so sick and I don't want to go through this again.

Still working on it

My ultrasound this morning showed that the gestational sac has moved down towards the area of the cervix but it has not passed yet. It still showed up as a dark blog on the screen so it still is fluid filled, though that doesn't have anything to do with it being still in there.

The nurse checked my cervix and boy did having that speculum opened feel like a treat. Everything is a little more sensitive down there right now, even the cotton swab she used to move blood away from the cervix opening was intense and ouchy.

My doctor, the nurse and I agreed that avoiding a d&c was worthwhile (see there is a reason I named my blog that) so I will just have to let my body do the remaining work to move the remaining tissue out of me which should happen within a few days but maybe a little longer. We'll reevaluate later on this week if nothing has happened by the end of day Thursday.

My head is foggy and my body still feels weird, unresolved as it was. Not as hormonally hung up as last time though but somewhere in between. I've realized that the hormonal changes your body goes through for a miscarriage somewhat impair the analytical part of the brain. Oh well, if I can just push through and focus on design work and not on any more proposals or client meetings I should be able to make it through the week.

It's 1:15 am and I can't sleep. I had a nap earlier this evening because I felt sleepy and heavy and then I woke up. I've been surfing around and not working on this proposal that is still hanging over my head.

I wish I felt tired. I feel like an insomniac.

I also wanted to thank you all for coming and lurking and posting and sending me prayers and good thoughts. It helps to make this seem less of a lonely time. I wish it was because we were all celebrating instead of worrying over this non-event.

Today I kept thinking of this song by Sarah McLachlan,"Out of the Shadows". It's from her first album. It's a pretty song but a bit moody. Reading the lyrics they hover around what I'm feeling, but I'm not going to let myself be depressed. Well okay a little. But not in a big self-indulgent way. Just a measured amount.

I'm going in for an ultrasound in the morning. I don't believe I passed any tissue, the so-called Products of Conception, over the weekend. When I called the nurse she wanted me to come in sooner rather than later. From last time I know that you can have retained tissue for a while without any problem. From other women who have gone through miscarriage I know that there is a real risk of infection. They said they might want to do a procedure tomorrow. I so don't want that. There is always the possibility of using medications to try to bring on contractions again, but who knows how long that will take. It's hard to be discreet about these things when you are dealing with nature and nature takes its own good time.

I spoke to my mother today and told her about it. First I sent her an email after she sent me a nagging one about not calling for Father's Day. I just was blunt about it, no details or anything. We talked and she was okay about it. I don't know why she was this time and not last time. Maybe it is because I've already been there and she knows it. Maybe because she has already seen me wounded. I told her maybe third time's a charm. She said that is what happened for her. I wish we didn't have so much in common.

If I can get my miscarriage to be resolved I could try to go visit her this weekend. The next two weekends after that we are busy and then it is the middle of July. She's going to start her radiation therapy and she would like to see me while she still has energy. Though isn't it ironic that I won't have any. I can't win at this game.

I'm so beat. It's like the life has been drained out of me. I woke up today at 5am to a flooding sensation and then went through hours of passing large clots and having awful pains. I still haven't passed any tissue though (argh!)

I was bleeding so much that in spite of using a cold pack and taking 1000mg of vitamin C there was no stemming the flow. I talked to my partner about how we would know if I needed to go to the hospital, it was pretty scary for a while. I took a shower around 8am (?) and it looks like that shower scene from the movie Psycho for a while. After a while longer sitting up with intense pains I started getting sleepy and so I went upstairs and fell asleep for several hours. When I awoke the bleeding was less. I sat on the couch all day and knitted.

This evening we went over to see my niece and nephew as they are going out of town for a couple of weeks. It was a good break from all the torment of the weekend but I'm absolutely wiped now.

I've got some proposals due for work that I can't get around so I'll just have to push on through and then make up with more rest and shorter days during the week.

It's been such a different experience this time around, I think last time was punctuated by needing an abortion (d&c) to get rid of the failed pregnancy while my hormones were still high and that was immensely difficult for my body to deal with. This time things waned and while I'm sad a bit it's much more okay, I can manage.

I didn't call my father for Father's Day though. Last year I called him on Father's Day to tell him that he was going to be a grandpa and then that was dashed a few weeks later. I was feeling so drained that I knew that I would have to say something of why (or at least I would want to) and I just couldn't bear to pass on that sadness today. Not on this same freaking holiday.

We've talked some about when we will try again. I'm feeling like August might be a good time, give my body a chance to recover hormonally. We'll see how it goes in the coming weeks.

It started finally. I woke up around 4:30 this morning to some cramping and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding. The cramps got stronger after that so I couldn't go back to sleep so I'm up watching a moving on cable with my hot water bottle against my lower back.

I have my last drawing class of the session today but I don't think I will be going. It's not a good time with these cramps all.

At least it is the weekend.

In spite of my aching ovaries we went out for a nice dinner together last night. My partner ordered a fabulous bottle of red wine, 1998 vintage from Europe (he loves '98 and '99 from Europe as they were noted as great years for growing grapes). The wine helped, getting a little tipsy helped.

I was so tired by the end of the day yesterday, it's be a long week. I had work to do last night but I couldn't do it so I just made do today.

My spotting has progressed some, it reminds me more of what you get after the peak of your period. Still there is more stuff in there than my lining and that will have to come out sooner or later. I felt bad this morning so I called in sick and told them I had food poisoning. Whatever. I've been working from home but so far nothing exciting happening on the miscarriage end of things. Maybe soon, over the weekend.

I was just thinking that for all the time I said "Please God. Please God" it didn't work. I've had to work so hard to get pregnant and then I lose another one. My partner did get me pregnant twice within a year period. And the third cycle since our last pregnancy and my surgery. That's not too bad right? We should have hope.

A bunch of my infertile and miscarriage buddies have just gotten pregnant recently, I'm a tiny bit jealous but I'm also so excited for them. They too have worked hard and waited a long time for their tiny heartbeats. Hopefully I'll be pregnant again soon enough.

I got a letter in the mail from my RE's office yesterday; she's leaving the clinic. That's 3 for 3 RE's that I've seen and they all left that practice. They do excellent work. During my d&c last July one nurse mentioned that the hospital administration was the issue. Too bad and sad because people really need good help and they were all excellent. I would never go to the group that had formerly been at the University of Washington so let's just hope that we can do this on our own. Again, so far so good right?

My ovaries hurt! Ow!

Hmmmmmm...

Slow slow slow.

I did some qigong again last night after nothing much happened yesterday and even the spotting was slow. Spotting picked up right away after that. Still slow.

This morning I started stimulating some of the acupoints that are forbidden during pregnancy. A couple hours later I had a little more spotting with a touch of pink.

Now I feel still a bit blocked. I want thing to flow. I'll have to do some more qigong.

I have a meeting tonight but I think I will cancel so I can deal with this instead. It's a reasonable excuse, no? Well, but the excuse I will give is that I am sick. I'm not actually, but I don't feel well. I feel ick and stuck and not like dealing with an evening meeting.

Nothing much to report. Pretty consistent brown spotting now, cramping on and off but not very active cramps yet. They slacked off a bit yesterday but then picked up again right as I was going to bed but I was able to sleep through unaided.

People online have been so nice and supportive. Some of them are so sad for me that it makes me get teary. I don't feel that bad, I'm a bit more sensitive but I'm also feeling a bit quiet about it. It's very different this time.

I was pregnant and it grew -- my breasts, belly, nausea and peeing -- then it started to decline and it's almost the same but backwards -- smaller breasts, smaller belly, no nausea and regular peeing. It's weird but having had two losses diagnosed around the same time in my pregnancy, it starts to tweak you sense of reality a bit. Pregnancy for me is something that begins and ends, but not with a baby. It's just a weird uncomfortable hormonal routine and then it goes away. I wonder how I will feel if I ever get past the first trimester.

Who are those people who get pregnant and go on to have babies the first shot? That used to be how I thought it went but not really anymore. I expect something to go wrong. Those people must be a different species than I.

I just called and cancelled my scan. The nurse Debbie at the RE clinic I go to said that was fine and she understood. I told her that I would wait a week to see if things resolve on their own and then we could decide if we need to do a scan or bloodwork or anything.

My partner dropped me off at the office on the way to his consulting gig. That was nice of him. I'll have to take the bus home (or a taxi) but today has been pretty uneventful.

By the way, I really don't think at the end of the day that my liver qi stagnation had anything to do with my loss. I think something just went wonky with it. Maybe it was the delayed ovulation, maybe late implantation. Someone else I know had a beta level at 350 or something on CD14 and while I know that beta levels are all over the place for me it might just be a sign that something wasn't right. Maybe it was because I waited until CD 8 to supplement my progesterone. Maybe it was just messed up DNA.

I'll do some more qigong when I go home this evening to see if that will move things along. I can't remember if I mentioned it here (I must have) but in October when I went to a health resort with my friend and we first tried qigong, several hours later I passed a chunk of my retained tissue that how I know that it can move the immovable.

We are climbing Jacob's ladder,
We are climbing Jacob's ladder,
Higher, higher.

I think this is going to be easier this time around. My hormones have been dropping I believe for the past two weeks so it won't be such a dramatic dive as the d&c caused last time. I'm thankful for small blessings.

I'm still a bit crampy at work, but mostly it is like bad menstrual cramps. It isn't the kind of cramps that take your breath away. They still might come, usually it is when the cervix starts to dialiate that you feel those and some nausea (it would happen when I was passing clots from heavy menstrual bleeding as well).

I feel a little spacey and tired and I have a bit of a headache. In the center of my head. Maybe it is my hypothalmus or something getting adjusted.

Cramps, cramps and more cramps

The cramps started yesterday evening with increased spotting. Still nothing that dramatic, no bleeding yet. I slept with a hot water bottle to help alleviate some of the discomfort. I feel a bit relieved that things appear to be moving along on their own though dealing with the bad pain and bleeding which is almost inevitably in my future during a busy work week when we are short staffed and have numerous deadlines isn't much fun.

I'm sipping passionflower tea this morning, it's a nerve tonic and hopefully it will help calm the cramping a bit so I can function at work. I've been trying to figure out which is better to drive to work or to take the bus. They take almost the same amount of time but one I have control over and the other I don't though if I take the bus I can always take a taxi home if I don't feel like driving. Blah.

I had faint spotting last night. That and some vague cramping that I could feel in my lower back and just all over my abdomen. Nothing happened over night and this morning there isn't more spotting but I expect to start bleeding sooner rather than later and if so I'm a bit relieved. That would be a lot easier than last time.

Yesterday I started thinking more about whether or not my liver qi stagnation and depleted kidney yang could have impacted my pregnancy. It was the fact that my breasts started hurting again that suddenly I realized that my liver qi stagnation was acting up yesterday since I really didn't feel more pregnant; it was likely caused by the emotional trauma of Wednesday's scan. What if the dagger feeling two weeks ago was related to my liver qi stagnation as well? Granted the majority of miscarriages are due to genetic problems with the embryo but what if the qi issue had something to do with it. We won't ever know but I did find some interesting mentions about it.

The next three quotes are from Chinese Medicine and Infertility; Ancient Solutions for the Modern Couple

"Infertility due to Liver Qi Stagnation manifests mostly in women and is a frequent cause of unexplained infertility. This is because this type of Liver stagnation effects the blood flow in the pelvic cavity. Acupuncture at the right time in the menstrual cycle, in conjunction with an herbal formula and some counseling, is effective in dealing with this issue. However, because of the often long standing nature of this condition resolution and the restoration of balance may take several months of treatment. In the final analysis it really depends on each individual's specific symptoms and circumstances. Despite the amount of time involved, the resulting pregnancy is a more than welcome reward along with the added benefit of emotional clarity that arrives when the Liver organ/meridian is less toxic (stagnated)."

"Dysfunctional family factors also play a major role in the upset Liver, and may cause the condition to exist for quite some time." [oh yeah, I've got this one nailed]

"In oriental medicine we say that all chronic imbalances effect the Kidney organ/meridian network. What this means is that if a person has a weak constitution i.e., is pale, feels cold is undernourished, etc., then this is a result of either prenatal (genetic) influences and or a lifetime of habits and illnesses." [I was getting sick so regularly that my friends were all concerned. From colds to flu to bronchitis I would get sick every 6 weeks or so. With the lifestyle changes I've made this is no longer the case, I still get sick but definately not as frequently]

Here are some other references that piqued my interest:

"in TCM it is said that the Blood nourishes, the Qi protects, and the Kidney Qi holds the fetus."

"In TCM theory, the liver ‘stores blood’. The liver is the organ most closely related to our emotions. Good emotional balance comes from the smooth flow of liver Qi, and the normal flow of liver Qi depends on sufficient blood nourishment."
Alternative Woman's Health - A Look at Traditional Chinese Medicine

If there is itching of the nipples, this is stasis heat in the liver channel
A Discussion on the Diagnosis and Treatment of Infertility

"In addition to giving herbs for infertility problems, traditional Chinese medicine recommends herbal formulas for such problems associated with pregnancy as morning sickness, threatened miscarriage, and postpartum depression. One well-known formula, recommended to be taken three to six months before attempting conception, is called "The Rock on Tai Mountain Decoction."

The formula is intended to build up both the woman's qi, or life energy, and her blood. In Chinese medicine it is thought that the mother's blood nourishes, the qi protects, and the qi in the kidneys holds the fetus. Chinese practitioners use acupuncture to assist conception by clearing the stagnation of qi in the liver; to prevent miscarriage by conserving qi in the kidney; and to induce labor."
Pregnancy Treatments

I've found little references here and there that one can continue using dong quai in pregancy to continue to help with liver qi stagnation issues.

Unfortunately my acupuncturist is away for a month and won't be back for another two weeks. In the meantime though I'm going to keep doing my qigong since that seems to be helping.

Saturday Morning

I came home from work last night and took a nap for maybe an hour. I just needed to give my nervous system a break. After I got up I realized that I just felt blocked inside so I decided to do some qigong. My acupuncturist told me that I needed to be careful what I did since certain types of qigong movements can cause you to miscarry. I haven't practiced in months but I had to try something, nothing was moving in my body. I did a portion of the Jade Body routine I learned at the beginning of the year and right away I started getting that shivery feeling of energy starting to move in my body. I felt a lot better afterwards. Later after dinner and a movie we had a bath in our new jetted tub and soaking in the warm water helped me feel more relaxed.

My breasts hurt. They have continued hurting, but not in the same way from day to day. Last night the pain started building again and this morning they are killing me, almost like that knives sensation again. How fun. How completely distracting.

Here is a list of my symptoms as they peaked and what I've noted over the past week:

Fatigue -- was needing to take naps from the week after AF was due until Tuesday after Memorial Day when I strangely didn't need them anymore.

Sore Breasts -- On and off but became significantly less a week ago Wednesday though the pain picked up again today.

Swollen Belly -- peaked Memorial Day weekend and gradually has receded so that you can't really tell but I'm still more bloated than normal.

Hair growth -- My chin hair (yes, it's true) was growing so quickly up until last week that I needed to tweeze every day because a new hair would show up. It was freaking me out.

Nausea -- only faint boughts, last episode was at the beginning of this past week

Thirst -- I normally don't get thirsty very much but I've noticed that the increased hormones make me more thirsty. I wasn't thirsty for much of the past week.

Increased need to pee -- I was having to pee lots all the time, though thankfully not at night. That wasn't really happening this past week.


Who the heck knows. My partner wants me to go for the scan on Wednesday. I asked him if just he and my uterus could go and that I would stay home. Either that or that I be able to be drunk when I go in so I don't have to deal. I'm not a big drinker at all (to such a degree that many of my friends don't think I drink at all) but it is just that painful and stressful to be dealing with all this.

Intercourse Frequency -- Why more might be better

[I hadn't posted this info before and I want to get it out there. I know its not entirely topical at the moment but I hope you don't mind the diversion]

Since we have a bit of a sperm morphology issue we first tried the every other day routine recommended for MFI. But after having no success and then playing around with the numbers it seemed to us that loading up the EWCF with sperm prior to ovulation would help get more swimmers in there and ready to catch the egg. We've used this strategy both times we have gotten pregnant.

I looked up more research and articles related to ejaculatory frequency and I found some interesting things that I thought I would share:

"The characteristics were examined of 87 consecutive semen samples obtained from participants of an intra-uterine insemination (IUI) programme. The population investigated comprised 65 normozoospermic, 13 moderately oligozoospermic and nine severely oligozoospermic individuals. The samples were produced after 4 days abstinence for the first IUI and after a further day of abstinence for the second IUI. Semen volume, sperm concentration, total sperm count and total motile sperm count for the whole population decreased significantly between the first and second samples. [b]The characteristics of the second sample were significantly decreased only for the normozoospermic group.[/b]"
The effect of ejaculatory frequency on semen characteristics of normozoospermic and oligozoospermic men from an infertile population.
Matilsky M, Battino S, Ben-Ami M, Geslevich Y, Eyali V, Shalev E.
[Note: Normozoospermic is normal counts, oligozoospermic is low counts. The numbers seems to jump down more if you have normal counts -- the higher you are the harder you fall.]

"there was a significant positive relationship between the time taken to produce a specimen and sperm concentration. We conclude that the duration of preejaculatory sexual arousal is an important predictor of ejaculate quality for specimens produced by masturbation and that variation in the duration of preejaculatory arousal may contribute to within-male fluctuations in semen parameters over time."
Duration of sexual arousal predicts semen parameters for masturbatory ejaculates.
Pound N, Javed MH, Ruberto C, Shaikh MA, Del Valle AP.
[Note: we should be doing our best to get our guy intersted evidently if we want his best "effort"]

"Sperm numbers and semen volume increased with duration of abstinence. Abstinence did not influence pH, viability, morphology, total or grade A motility, or sperm DNA fragmentation. A short (24-hour) abstinence period negatively influenced chromatin quality."
Influence of the abstinence period on human sperm quality.
De Jonge C, LaFromboise M, Bosmans E, Ombelet W, Cox A, Nijs M.
[Note: Chromatin is what they are testing for in the SCSA test]

"The results have demonstrated that the motility and normal morphology of spermatozoa do not change significantly with ejaculation frequency. Also, while the volume of the ejaculate and the total number of spermatozoa decreased during a period of frequent coitus, an individual's depletion and recovery of his spermatozoal reserve could not be accurately predicted. It is suggested that coital frequency during the woman's periovulatory period could be modified by the partner's response to this test. Furthermore, while it is acknowledged that the variation in results from a 'routine' semen analysis is large, data obtained after depletion of the extra-gonadal reserve and recovery over a set time may have more value and could be the method of choice for the future."
Studies of human seminal parameters with frequent ejaculation. I. Clinical characteristics.
Matilsky M, Battino S, Ben-Ami M, Geslevich Y, Eyali V, Shalev E.

It just seems to me that the every other day BD routine might not be right for all MFI folks and that it is worth it to try upping frequency to see if it helps improve things for you. Since morphology and motility don't really necessarily seem to be affected it might be better to try out some sexy lingerie and a strip tease and learn some tantric breathing techiques to slow him down a little.

It's worth a thought.

Here's a chart showing why this might work:



I took two different hypothetical total counts and then reduced subsequent by 30%, just a random level that I pulled out of the air. Obviously real life generation rates could be better or worse than that, but note that based on this model having more sex results in a greater number of total sperm deposited.

Two other gals that I know online who were TTC post vasectomy reversal both tried this strategy and it worked for them the first try as well.

Some other random bits of info:

• The best sperm can live in a test tube at room temperature for a week
  
• it takes about 20 sperm to help weaken the zona pellucida enough to have one be able to penetrate the egg to fertiize it
  
• on the day of ovulation your body has already produced some progesterone which helps ripen the follicle. This progesterone can change the quality of your CF so that it is less hospitible to sperm so timing BD on the day of your peak day (the gooey EW day) or prior is probably the best.
  

I have this song in my head, it's one that we did across the floor exercises to in one of my modern dance classes...

"here I go again on my own...like a drifter I was born to walk alone"

I did a search and it is by WhiteSnake (Here I Go Again), oh the glories of bad 80s rock music.

Another one that has been going through my head is a very special adaptation of the Monchichi song from the commercial. ("Monchichi, Monchichi, Oh so soft and cuddly"), my version goes like this:

"My baby, dead baby. Not so soft and cuddly."

(It's my blog, I can say what I want. I never did own a Monchichi by the way, they came out when I was out of their target age range and I don't think I would have enjoyed them at all)

Yesterday's special phrase, my mantra of sorts for the anniversary of my first BFP coupled with the news of my second failed pregnancy was:

deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby

Oh and for the complete and total irony of the situation, since I had that fibroid surgery and I'm not allowed to go through labor for fear of rupturing my uterus and killing my baby (well, someday I might get that far) the only time I ever get to experience labor is through my miscarriages. How pleasant.

Good things, bad things and random things

Here are some of the things I've been thinking about:

Good things:

1. our embryo developed into a sac or something this time, it wasn't another blighted ovum
2. we got pregnant on our own
3. we got pregnant on the third cycle trying after my surgery
4. we got pregnant again before the anniversary of my previous BFP (or ovulation date)
5. I got pregnant before I was 35
6. I likely will be able to miscarry on my own
7. My pregnancy was in my uterus so at least one tube isn't blocked, maybe even both
8. I have wonderful buddies online who help give me support

Random things:
1. I can now finish working on the office renovations which is mostly painting work
2. I can stay focused on work for longer (well, trying to stay focused at least)
3. I get to keep my girlish figure for a little longer
4. I can look forward to some more time running around with my dog without sore boobs in the near future
5. we didn't tell anyone in real life so no one knows
6. I've been over this ground before so it isn't totally unknown territory

Grumble things:
1. I won't be able to get pregnant again until after I am 35
2. The gap between our potential babies and their cousins grows wider
3. We didn't get to see a heartbeat again, let alone an embryo
4. I don't feel like I'm in a good place to see my mother and deal with her illness
5. "I've been TTC for 3 years and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

I feel angry today. I once read that anger was one way that our bodies/minds deal with stress. I must be really stressed out. It wasn't until I got to work that I felt it, like biting people's heads off. I'm going to try to hold my tongue since it isn't anyone's fault that I feel this way.

We went for a walk last night in a neighborhood park with our dog. It was nice and I wish my partner would come with me more often. I left the front gate open and after running an errand and stopping back at the house this morning the dog was gone. She's done it before and has her little routine for roaming the neighborhood but I hated having to leave for work and know that she wasn't safe at home.

I woke up at 4:45 in the morning and was up until 6:30 and then went back to bed. I'm trying to focus on just waiting for AF to come as I feel certain she will. Well likely its not going to be the same but I figure I'll just wait it out even it if takes three weeks since I would prefer not to have my third d&c in a year.

I'm feeling like I don't want to have a repeat u/s next week. It isn't going to provide me with good news, it has no therapeutic value and I'm going to have to pay for it. Why bother if the only thing to see is a further disintegrated sac with some schmutz in it. I hope I start bleeding soon so we can get it over with.

We are oddly a little relieved, as I posted just one day before my BFP some weeks ago, this isn't the best time. I'm trying to get my business back on track and I really need to focus on it right now for a little while more. Also, I was right in the middle of doing some painting prep work in our office and I wasn't going to be able to finish which bothered me but I was avoiding exposure to the paint fumes and toxins.

It's weird to know that when I started feeling better last week is likely when things stopped happening. So I'm making a mental note -- pregnancy is supposed to make you feel more uncomfortable, bloated, exhausted and in pain and having less of those symptoms is a bad sign.

I had a thimbleful of hope going in for my scan yesterday but I guess it was knocked over and now hope has dissipated.

I had my scan and there was a gestational sac with a little bit of schmutz in it but it dated 2 weeks behind (5w 4d instead of 7w 2d). I'll have a repeat scan in a week just to be sure but based on my beta numbers at 14/16 dpo and all its not looking at all favorable at this point.

I talked to a nurse about it and she thought that perhaps the delayed ovulation might have resulted in a poorer egg. I told her about how I had been having hormonal weirdness all year since my surgery which was why I tried the vitex under supervision of my acupuncturist.

She said that likely I will miscarry on my own, but the jury is still out. There is a vague (almost nil) chance that it was late implantation but that doesn't really jive with my beta numbers.

My symptoms haven't increased in over a week, in fact they have levelled out. I've been across this bridge before -- d&c, bleeding, cramps, etc. But this time would surely be less physically uncomfortable without the fibroid.

Oh well. Thanks for your prayers.

My partner told a longtime client today. She cornered him to ask about what happened with our pregnancy last year since she hadn't seen him. She said to him "you didn't have a baby did you?" He told her no but that we would find out tomorrow if we have another chance. It made me feel a little emotional to know that it was hanging out there in the wind, a few random people wondering here and there. Sheesh! I hope we don't have to go through that again.

My scan is in 24 hours (3pm PST). I can't wait for it on one hand and in denial on the other. I think to myself that maybe I can just ignore and things will happen or not. Right? I'll either have a miscarriage or a won't. I'll either have a baby in 8 months or I won't. Seeing the scan will just mean that I have to do something, feel something and part of me doesn't want to feel anything.

I feel a bit pregnant but nothing compared to last time when I was exploding with my fibroid. Realistically if there is an embryo inside of me it is the size of a pea or something, with the sac around it. Fairly small over all. My pregnancy symptoms have been pretty easy over the past week, my breasts still hurt but gone is that feeling of knives stabbing into them, my uterus feels a bit full, sometimes at the end of the day it actually feels extra swollen. My abdomen has adjusted to the hormonal bloat. I'm a bit moody -- alternating feelings last night of frustration, anger and wanting to cry. Overall it just feels like a bad case of weird PMS - is that how pregnancy is supposed to feel?

I talked to my partner last night about not wanting to tell anyone about our pregnancy and he said that he felt the same way. We're kinda of feeling like letting people find out if/when it gets noticible. We have no plans either way for telling or not telling -- I guess we'll just have to see how our appointment goes tomorrow.

I just remembered from a few weeks ago something that I thought you might find interesting. I had that BFP come up on the HPT and brought it into the bedroom. My partner and I just stared at it for a while and I remember we talked about the fact that it was probably a chemical pg and that there was a good chance that it might go away the next day. It didn't of course, but that just goes to show you how much we feel like this isn't for real.

We talk about it a little bit. We both want to have it go well but losing that pregnancy last year was really hard for us both. I woke up early this morning and remembered thinking to myself that if our scan goes badly will I be able to not feel so sorry for myself this time. I just don't know.

I'm doing okay but feeling very emotional today. My mother had her surgery and it went well, the cancer hadn't spread at all.

I'm still holding my breath until we have a scan that shows that there is something actually growing in there and not just a blighted ovum like last time. As the day for the scan grows nearer I find myself getting more and more emotional and scared about it. I've been trying not to get my hopes up at all but instead I've been feeling a bit alone about it. I just feel like I've got awful PMS and maybe it will stick and maybe it won't but it's a really hard place to be in. So when you add that on top of the other stuff going on in my life I'm having a hard time not crying while writing right now.

And depending on what treatment my mother has I might not be able to see her, because radiation would make her radioactive and pg women and children (sometimes adults as well) are supposed to stay away.

Even if you get a BFP there is no solace and you don't necessarily feel like you have accomplished anything other than a delayed AF.:(

I slept in this camisole with a built in shelf bra and I woke up in the middle of the night with my breasts absolutely killing me so I yanked it off and went back to bed. I've decided to go bra-less today which has felt a lot better. It's easier to do when the weather is cooler since the layers will hide my enlarged pregnant nipples better. They aren't grossly enlarged but still I like to leave a little more to the imagination when walking about, ya know?

My mother-in-law is in town for the weekend and so we've been around family more. That's all been fine but the key things are to avoid getting into discussions about my fertility since I don't want to outright lie about my pregnancy but we don't want to share about it either, and also to not give away any signs that something is up. The 2-3 hour naps I like to take now, my big boobs and my bloated belly are all things that we need to distract them from. So far so good (knock on wood).

I haven't mentioned it here yet, but at the end of the week when we found out we were expecting my mother called to let me know that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's really small and only in one breast and they caught it early but she'll be having surgery this coming Friday. Why is it that life has to send a good with a bad, it's almost like there was this trade-off that happened in the negotiations and it was decided that I could get pregnant but that something else bad had to happen in my life. Sigh. My mother and I haven't been getting along very well for a year now and still I'm making a better effort to call her and the like. She's loving the extra attention. We decided not to tell her about the pregnancy since she didn't deal well with my loss last year, not helpful to me and I think it brought back unresolved memories of her own losses. Better to wait until there really is good news.

Only 10 days until our ultrasound. My partner took the day off from work. I keep saying to myself over and over "Please God. Please God. Please God..."

So I had an A-HA moment this morning. I was seriously showing a lot earlier last time, which makes sense with the normal swelling of the uterus and growth of the sac and placental tissue but I also had a fibroid so my uterus was already enlarged to about 3.5 months pg equivalent in size, and it surely got up to around 5 months pg in size by 8 weeks post O. This is so much easier this time around.

What a relief!!

You can see how I was feeling at this point of my pregnancy in my post from last year.

I'm feeling okay. My thyroid feels very active, earlier today I had to pee and was thirsty at the same time and I'm a little extra emotional/irrational.

I walked down to where my partner is working yesterday and tried calling him but he didn't answer and didn't call back and I decided he was having an affair and at the same time I knew that was a totally crazy thing to think. He was at a client meeting in another city. It's just the wacky hormones.

I also have been hot while sleeping, also peeing a bit more and I have moments of pelvic twinges and bloating that comes and goes. If I push myself too long without a rest in the early evening I get hot flushes that are very odd. My acupuncturist said it is due to yin deficiency. I'm taking care to lay down and relax.

How is it possible that I'm pregnant? Two nights ago I woke up really early in the morning and was too tired to get up and one of the first things I thought was how this pregnancy is taking over my body bit by bit which caused me a little anxiety. I was half-asleep at the time and it's kinda funny thinking about it now.

I'm 16 dpo today and I just got back the results of my second beta. Monday=94 (14dpo) Wed=266 (16dpo). My progesterone was 13.2 but they aren't worrying about it and I'm already supplementing with progesterone cream.

I don't want to say anything until after my 6 week scan, since that was such a rough thing for us last year. After we see a baby then we will let everyone know.

I'm going in for my repeat beta later this morning after my acupuncture appointment. If the numbers look good then I'll post my chart tonight.

I told another friend from the boards yesterday, she hasn't been on in months and is taking a break and just happened to IM me yesterday. She's been trying for ages and it turns out her DH has anti-sperm antibodies. Their relationship has really been affected by the infertility and they are likely going to separate -- a lot has gone wrong in their relationship, this would be for the best.

She told me to let people know so that they could share in the good news. I know what she means but I think about my infertile buddies and how this news would be a mixed thing. I hate how hard it is for ppl, but this really didn't come easy I had to make some pretty radical lifestyle changes and also have surgery.

My breasts are sore, though a touch less sore than yesterday. Its more different sore. I so hope that everything is going to go well. With all the healthy eating I've been doing to help rebuild my system since the surgery, the weekly acupuncture, the select use of medicinal herbs, and the progesterone -- plus not having my blood-sucking fibroid in there anymore -- surely things will go better this time.

My partner, came down last night from his office in the attic and sat next to me and put his head on my shoulder and said "When are we going out to dinner to celebrate my good sperm" He wants to go to that nice restaurant we went to on our anniversary. I reminded him that we opened up a celebratory bottle of champagne last week (yum!) and that it was a good thing we got that out of the way as I wouldn't be drinking for a while. I don't mind a sip here or there, but nothing more.

I think I'll post my updated chart on Thursday if my temps look good and just let people find out that way. Does that seem weird. I'm just so afraid of jinxing it. Ya know?

My breasts are so huge already, much sooner than last time for certain. I tested positive at 19 dpo -- I waited until I was a couple of days late -- and it was the week after that things got interesting. I didn't use progesterone that cycle though so who knows.

I've had lots of belly twinges and also faint waves of nausea but nothing that would stop you in your tracks. I so hope this is a keeper. You have no idea how much my mood lifted when I got the beta result.

I tested on 13 dpo. I kept thinking about a buddy's late BFP, it was partly what kept me using the progesterone cream. I was thinking that it was possible that somewhere inside me was a little fertilized egg that was trying to find a place to implant and it was up to me to try to help improve the environment with the progesterone (I've tested low for progesterone twice).

While studies are inconclusive about progesterone preventing miscarriage, there is still a lot they haven't studied and some clinical evidence points to progesterone supplementation actually helping "rescue" the corpus lutuem. If your progesterone production is lame and implantation can happen late then there is a chance that supplementing progesterone can keep the endometrium in a state that the egg can implant whereas without it the environment is inhospitable.

You have no idea how surprised I am. I totally wasn't expecting that test to come up positive. I thought to myself that it was just going to be another blank test. Then I noticed a the test dye was activated and it just looked a little bit different. Then I walked away and came back and it looked like nothing but I picked it up and the dye was starting to lightly accumulate some on the test line as well as the control line.

It's been a long time since we started on this TTC adventure. I was just saying on the Ovusoft boards on Saturday about how this would be a bad time to get pg since work is so busy right now with proposals and deals closing. Same as last year though, I was just starting to give up hope and then this. We conceived last May 24th (my ovulation date) so this must be a fertile time for us.

Of course the bathroom is still a mess and the kitchen remodel isn't underway. I still haven't finished renovating the office but now I need to stay away from paints and solvents -- even though we use low toxicity/water-based they still contain compounds which act on the endocrine system.

All it took...

Vasectomy reversal in 1998
Poor morphology 2000
Charting and TTC started 2002
Fibroid dx 2002
Start working with a naturopathic doctor 2002
Consult with a bunch of REs and Ob/gyns 2003
Get partner off of Paxil 2004
Get partner on MFI vitamin mix 2004
Acupuncture for me 2004-2005
Blighted ovum July 2004
Fibroid surgery 2004
Chinese herbs to help rebuild my system after surgery 2005
Fertility monitor Feb 2005
Lots of wonderful online buddies to help keep me sane when things were sure as heck not feeling that way.

Thanks to all who donated babydust to this BFP. I'm spreading a little back out at the rest of you who are needing it.

I forgot to mention that I used vitex as you may recall, for 6 days of this cycle. I think that it actually might have helped to recalibrate me a bit. Then I started using natural progesterone cream (Emerita) starting 8dpo and the combination of the two might have made my wooba more hospitible. I also used cinnamon to help counteract my post O fatigue which did help. I haven't posted my updated chart yet, I'll do that for Thursday morning, after I have the result from my second beta draw. Oh, and I also did what another TTC buddy did -- I went out shopping for new clothes last week.

My beta came back at 94, which is in that good range (around 100 ng/ml 14-16 dpo results in an 85% success rate at this point)

Can you even believe it?

My partner doesn't want me to tell anyone online yet though so it will just be you and I for a little while. I don't think I can hold it back though for long, already people are starting to ask questions about my chart.

I posted a message on Saturday to one of my buddy groups that went on about how lame my chart was this cycle and how it didn't even look a little like the example charts of pregnancy success and how it was a good thing I wasn't pregnant right now as work is so busy and that I just had to resign myself to the fact that we might not have kids since we don't want to do IVF. I almost took it down on Sunday morning but decided to leave it. Pretty amusing.

One of my chart-lurking buddies, said to discard the weird peak prior to O and then to move out my ovulation date ( it was only due to my override that it was on Sunday anyway) and my coverline would drop down indicating a larger thermal shift. When you look at it that way, the vitex does in fact look like it adjusted my hormones for the better compared to previous cycle and that it does in fact look like a better chart.

My partner and I both had decided some time ago that we wouldn't tell anyone IRL until we were past the all clear, after hearing the baby's heartbeat the risk of loss goes down to 5%.

My partner, after seeing how hard our loss was for me last year, want me to also protect myself and not set myself up for disappointment should something go wrong. I'm a very sensitive person and it doesn't take much to blow me over.

I tested again this morning and it was a touch darker. I'll go in to get my beta checked today, I even printed out a copy of my chart since I don't want them to go by LMP since I ovulated late. I should know the results this afternoon and I will keep you posted.

My breasts were sore yesterday and this morning (13dpo), plus my temp went up to 98.6. I was going to stop using NPC to help let AF arrive a little easier but thought I better test just to be sure and here's what came up:



I'm not going to tell anyone else just yet nor am I going to update my chart to the Ovusoft site.

There's a chance that it might not stick as implantation was probably a little late, though the progesterone cream supplementation might have counterbalanced that a bit.

Ovulation, eventually.

I took vitex for about 5-6 days and it really did help stop my breasts from hurting. But then when it gave me a headache I stopped taking it. It took me an additional 5-6 days until my body ovulated this cycle which was on May 1 or 2, so no ovulation in April.

After I ovulated I was exhausted for a few days. Really, really exhausted. Like after a full nights sleep wanting to lay down in my office at work and nap. I wasn't on herbs or meds or anything. The second day of that I did go home in the afternoon and fell right asleep. I woke and went to a community meeting and then went back to bed for another 10 hours.

When I saw my acu for my weekly visit I asked him what was up. He said that my kidney yang was depleted, that is the warming energy that heats things up during the luteal phase. He did some moxa and other heated needle work on me and told me to have more cinnamon. That seemed funny to me too but it worked. I had a lot more energy on Thursday. Friday, well that was another story.

Friday I was dealing with a deadline and some really nasty horrible moody feelings. Kind of miserable really -- I can't be the only one who feels this way during their luteal phase. Saturday I was still a bit on a downer note but then in the afternoon I decided to kick my own a$$ and make myself do things that would make me feel better. I decided to cook dinner for our extended family and give some gifts. You know, it worked. Then I spent a good amount of time on Sunday exercising, washing the car, working on home improvement projects, and baking. I've been much better this whole week thank goodness.

My basel temps were awful though, not only that but they were tanking when they should have been at their peak for a non-pregnant cycle. I started using my natural progesterone cream Sunday night (it was part of my original plan for this cycle but I somehow didn't get around to it), and my temps have been up all week into a reasonable range. I think that this cycle is a total nogo but what the heck do I know. I'm on 10 dpo so technically I'm still in the reasonable range for implantation.

I'm tired of all the energy that I've put into TTC right now though. And with all the grief and healing that I had to do (physical and emotional) my work really bore the brunt and now we are all feeling it. I had to change my priorities, so for now I'm feeling a lot quieter.

Headaches and moving too much qi

My acu had me on a herb mix that contained bluplurum a while back. It gave me a headache so he put me on a different formula that contained dong quai which was bitter but I didn't get a headache. So, I know that headaches and herbs are related.

From a TCM standpoint he told me that bluplurum moves the liver qi, and I have stagnant liver qi, but the problem was that it was moving more liver qi than I had available to move.
I started taking vitex last week, which move the kidney yang and penetrates the liver. I was doing great until yesterday when I got another headache -- same as before, in the front of my forehead. I guess the vitex is moving too much qi as well so I will have to stop and figure out what to do next.

I found this page about headaches and TCM, it might be helpful to you in understanding why one gets headaches - Arterial Hypertension And Traditional Chinese Medicine In China

~~

Is anyone actually reading my blog? If you are can you please just do a little post so I know you are out there?

Progesterone cream and pregnancy/miscarriage

I was on 50mg suppositories twice daily at the start of my pg last year and I stopped all at once when I found out it was a blighted ovum and I didn't even spot -- nothing changed, and my pregnancy sure as heck didn't end. Obviously that is a different situation but it did change my impression of how difficult it was to end a pregnancy.

I looked up a lot to see if there was anyway I could get my body to miscarry and other than practically poisoning myself or giving myself a life-threatening uterine infection there really wasn't much I could do. Really, think about it this way, with all the women wanting to terminate their pregnancies when they don't want them, surely if using and stopping progesterone was an easy way out then lots of people would be doing it and it would likely become a controlled substance. No?

Vitex to the rescue

I was reading someone's post about B6 for PMS and decided to look up food sources of B6 and came up with this abbreviated list: "Vitamin B6 is found in beans, nuts, legumes, eggs, meats, fish, brewer's yeast, bananas, green leafy vegetables, wheat germ, wheat bran, milk, whole grains, and fortified breads and cereals."

I eat a good amount of B6 rich foods but I was still having similar problems -- lame LP, PMS, etc. I had my CD# bloodwork done again last week and my estradiol was high -- darn estrogen dominance anyway -- though it is totally part of the pattern that leads to fibroids. So I started looking up stuff about estrogen, and prolactin since having sore breasts for the past 3 weeks hasn't been any fun.

And then I did a search again and came across, of all things -- vitex and this:
quote:

Chaste berry (also spelled chasteberry) contains several different constituents, including flavonoids, iridoid glycosides, and terpenoids. Chaste berry (the fruit of a small Eurasian tree, also called Vitex agnus) does not contain hormones. The benefits of chaste berry stem from its actions upon the pituitary gland. Chaste berry keeps prolactin secretion in check. The ability to decrease mildly elevated prolactin levels may benefit some women with breast tenderness associated with PMS. Chaste berry may also be helpful in menopause and cyclic mastalgia. New research indicates that certain compounds in chasteberry may have activity similar to the brain chemical dopamine.
http://www.raysahelian.com/chasteberry.html

So I conferred with my acupuncturist and he said I could try it if I wanted to. I started yesterday morning and I was in a better mood than I had been in weeks and by evening my breast pain had dissipated. It had to be the vitex as drinking water, taking vitamins, exercise, low stress all had no affect. And it wasn't optimism either as there was the great news about my partner's sperm morphology (increase from 2% to 5% with supplements) and that didn't affect my mood for the better -- I still felt like growling at everyone in sight.

I looked up more about vitex and liver qi stagnation since that is my chronic diagnosis. I found a few things that mentioned it:

"Vitex (V. Agnus-castus) -- acrid, spicy, warm; goes to the Liver and Spleen. It contains essential oil, fatty oil, flavonoid casticin, iridoglyside and aucubin. It is used for menstrual irregularities and irregular symptoms associated with menopause. It stimulates progesterone production and regulates the menses. It effectively treats ovarian cysts and non-cancerous breast lumps. Dose: 3-9 gms"
http://www.planetherbs.com/articles/fivestag.html

"TCM Usage:regulates the Blood, nourishes the Kidney, moves Qi in the lower Jiao.
Contra Indications: Vitex is a bit hot, so use with this in mind (not for use in ovarian cysts?)."
http://www.rchm.co.uk/articles/western_herbs.html

In The Infertility Cure, Randine Lewis says that vitex is a kidney yang tonic, but since what happens in the kidneys affects the liver in chinese medicine it might make sense that it would help me out. Also my feet get really cold at night which is supposedly a sign of a kidney yang deficiency.

I'm just amazed! I know it doesn't work for everyone, evidently it isn't good to take if you have cysts, and even I haven't been psyched about how it worked when I took it previously but talk about a perfect fit for me right now.

Other than that, my acupuncturist told me that he still thinks I'm a bit blood deficient and that's why I'm craving chocolate, that and overthinking. Oh well.

Updated to add: it delayed my ovulation by as many days as I took it though I did end up getting pregnant again this same cycle. The delayed ovulation might have contributed to my subsequent miscarriage though that is entirely conjecture on the part of the NP at my RE's office.

Updated to add 4/6/06 -- it did help me with PMS and mastalgia during my LP

Vitex and herb form

After consultation with my acupuncturist, I am taking a liquid vitex (chase berry) extract from Herb Pharm, they are a reputable grower of medicinal herbs in Oregon. We aren't sure if it will work for me, my acupuncturist said it doesn't totally match my pattern in TCM but was okay with a trial.

I've heard that the less processed the herb or vitamins are the better, the best being cooked whole herbs, then liquid and then prepared capsules (unless they are custom prepared for you). I think that as long as they are high quality and agreeing with you though, so that you actually take them regularly is the most important thing.

I know that it is already working for me after less than one day (amazing but true as my breasts aren't hurting any longer) and I'm looking forward to even more benefits over the next few months if I don't get knocked up in the meantime.

Jumpin' Jiminy! Supplements work!

So don't think I'm an idiot for not knowing sooner, I got the last test results over the phone in May 2004 and we got pg that same cycle so it wasn't like we were having to pay too much attention.

I met with the nurse practitioner this morning and she was of the same opinion as my partner -- that my fibroid was a big impediment to our fertility so having it out really changes the lay of the land. She agreed that unless we were feeling really impatient that the best course of action is to just keep trying on our own and give things a chance to work on their own. She pulled up my partners last s/a results and I was surprised to see the results -- his last test did include a morphology check and it had jumped up to 5%!

Date	10/13/2003	5/18/2004
Viscosity	Normal	Normal
Volume	4	4.1
Concentration	49 mill/ml	36 mill/ml
Motililty	57%	57%
Morphology	2% Kruger	5% Kruger
Prog	Grade 2	Grade 2
Agglutination	Slight	None

So, I really need to look at this like we're just starting over. Being 34 means that our fertility is a bit less than prime but the nurse thought waiting until August before re-evaluating was totally reasonable. She advised me to go get a pelvic exam and a pap and then to just keep timing things properly and something should happen. I sure as heck hope so.

A little bit off

I've just started back in with infertility testing again and had my CD3 yesterday. So, my panel came back normal for FSH and LH, with just a teench more estrogen than normal. I want to get my prolactin tested as I think it might be a little bit high, perhaps in a subclinical way. I've looked up hyperprolactinemia in the past and have a lot of links. Today I was looking for the relationship between estrogen and prolactin and came across some interesting things that I thought I would share along with some other facts I've picked up along the way...

• Too much or too little prolactin causes infertility
  
• Prolactin excess can be stimulated by excess estrogen (this include using fertility drugs)
  
• Prolactin has been linked to low progesterone during the luteal phase
  
• Stress can elevate prolactin levels
  
• Dopamine regulates prolactin levels
  
• Stress can deplete dopamine levels in the brain
  
• Estrogen deprivation kills dopamine cells in the brain
  
• Excess estrogen leads to dopamine depletion
  
• Low progesterone leads to excess estrogen production
  
• Excess prolactin is linked to hypothyroidism
  
• Hypothyroidism and low progesterone can sometimes be linked to excess estrogen
  

And all of this could be on a subclinical level. Are you seeing the chicken and the egg here? So, for those of you who are relatively normal body weight and are experiencing infertility without other causes, such as IR or PCOS or a blockage, this might be one option for the hormonal imbalance that is impairing your fertility. A whole lotta little things being off just a little.

I'm going to explore this theory with my doctor in the coming weeks especially since I believe I have signs of excess prolactin.

Going Back in for Testing

I just called my RE's office to set up at "What Next" appointment after talking to the nurse there for a while. We haven't used any birth control since February 2000, and then it took us two years of fairly diligent trying (2002-2004) to finally get our BFP only to have it be a blighted ovum. In spite of the delay in our return to TTC until February (so the second half of 2004 was out) I still can't help but feel like there is something else at play. I haven't had my panels done since Feb 2003 and a lot has happened since then and I'm older now too.

I'm also going to get CD3 bloodwork done since that's tomorrow and I can just make sure that hormonally everything is swimming right (at the end of AF in my last cycle I had this odd temp rise that seemed unusual to me). The nurse said it might be time to have another HSG as well, not fun but I want answers.

My partner wasn't upset by the tests but he has this idea that my fibroid was the root of all evil and I'm not convinced that it was. When you can read stories about women having pregnancies with 5 tumors the size that I had (how they do it I don't know), it just boggles my mind. He keeps telling me that we just have to have a lot of sex. We have been having a lot of sex. I have three years worth of records of the majority of times we had sex -- somedays we even did it twice and you can't mark that down as a double in the charting program I use. Maybe I should do the math for him and tell him how many sperm he has deposited over the past three years and maybe then he will understand my frustration.

He wants me to just start over like it was the beginning again and we were just coming to this place where we are TTC in our lives. I don't know about you but I can't just erase three years of stress and heartache without a lobotomy. He got all pissed with me and said "I hate when you get like this" and I just said goodbye and hung up.

If we end up pg I can tell you it will be a result of all my hard work, research, hours of commiseration with my online buds, some surgery, some tests and not just because we had a lot of sex!

Charting for Three Years

I just passed my three year anniversary and it's been trippy. I have learned a lot along the way and at the end of the day charting, even in its most basic form give us data. I took the length of each of my cycles and made them into a chart in Excel and then enhanced it in Photoshop, it is interesting to see the forest and not just the trees.

Semen Analysis -- Helpful Details

Tapered refers to the head of the sperm, I found several references that mention testicular heat as a possible contributor to this defect:
Men with an elevated testicular temperature frequently due to a varicocele or exposure to excessive heat often have tapered sperm quality and may be missing the acrosome, the packet of enzymes at the tip of the sperm head that allow the sperm to bore through the coating of the egg.
From: An in-depth look at fertility

I also found this article: Deterioration Of Sperm Morphology In Men Exposed To High Temperature

Forward progression has to do with how well the sperm are at swimming forward. I don't know much about it but Vitamin E and Selenium are supposed to help with motility

Hypoosmolarity has to do with too much water being in the sperm cell I believe, remember osmosis from biology class in high school? I couldn't find anything that directly spoke to directly this but this quote points out some possible things to research more on:
In mammalian cells, hydration may change dynamically in response to hormones, ethanol, aniso-osmotic environments, oxidative stress or by cumulative substrate uptake.
from: Hepatocellular hydration: signal transduction and functional implications.

Here's a comprehensive guide to refer to: Semen Analysis in the Clinical Evaluation of Infertility

Semen Analysis

Here are some comprehensive guides to refer to: Semen Analysis in the Clinical Evaluation of Infertility

Semen analysis

The Fertility Guide: The Male Factor

Normal Ranges for a Semen Analysis from INCIID

Helpful Details

Morphology refers to the shape and structure of an object. Morphology may be even more important than count or motility in determining potential fertility. Abnormally shaped sperm cannot fertilize an egg. About 60% of the sperm should be normal in size and shape for adequate fertility.

The perfect structure is an oval head and long tail. Abnormally shaped sperm may include a number of variations:

A very large round head. (In one study, if 14% or more of sperm had round enlarged heads, the chances for pregnancy fell to about 20%. Such an abnormality indicates early unraveling of genetic material.)
An extremely small pinpoint head.
A tapered head.
A crooked head.
Two heads.
A tail with kinks and curls.
From Infertility in Men

Tapered refers to the head of the sperm, I found several references that mention testicular heat as a possible contributor to this defect:
Men with an elevated testicular temperature frequently due to a varicocele or exposure to excessive heat often have tapered sperm quality and may be missing the acrosome, the packet of enzymes at the tip of the sperm head that allow the sperm to bore through the coating of the egg.
From: An in-depth look at fertility

I also found this article: Deterioration Of Sperm Morphology In Men Exposed To High Temperature

Forward progression has to do with how well the sperm are at swimming forward (aka motility). I don't know much about it but Vitamin E and Selenium are supposed to help with motility

Hypoosmolarity has to do with too much water being in the sperm cell I believe, remember osmosis from biology class in high school? I couldn't find anything that directly spoke to directly this but this quote points out some possible things to research more on:
In mammalian cells, hydration may change dynamically in response to hormones, ethanol, aniso-osmotic environments, oxidative stress or by cumulative substrate uptake.
from: Hepatocellular hydration: signal transduction and functional implications.

A Shot at Improving Your Semen Analysis

(to a woman who's husband was just diagnosed with 2% morphology)

I wouldn't give up hope just yet, since your husband has been away there is a good chance that things got a bit sluggish and studies have shown that ejaculatory frequency can improve sperm quality. You guys should get busy and that's one step in the right direction.

There are a bunch of people on the boards who have gotten pg with 2% morphology. We did it too, though we had a blighted ovum.

I would suggest that since it takes 120 days to grow new sperm, that you repeat the test but after a few months of supplementation, healthy eating, destressing and regular intercourse. Then you could also do as Sonnet mentioned, using a condom to collect the sample -- how you collect the sample can influence what comes out and a longer pre-ejaculatory arousal period is associated with a greater quantity of sperm in the sample (I can't find the reference but its out there).

The UR had us do the SPA (Sperm Penetration Assay) test to see how the sperm reacted with the egg membrane. We did that test in May, the test results came back positive and we coincidently conceived the same cycle. He felt that the SPA (sperm penetration assay -- aka hamster egg test -- poor hamster) was useful as a next step in our diagnosis. This might show how your guys swimmers are performing IRL.

Laboratory Section - Sperm Penetration Assay
Sperm Penetration Assay

Also, having more sex prior to ovulation when you have fertile quality mucus means that you are pooling the available sperm which can make up some for the paucity in a single sample (see POOLED SPERM COUNTS)

Dr Perloe (guest host for chats here on the boards sometimes) suggested to us that the sperm DNA fragmentation test (SCSA) would be worthwhile but we got a BFP and didn't need to -- maybe soon we will do it if we don't get a BFP (having my fibroid out might have improved our fertility).

Supplements can help, we've seen some good results on the MFI board from various regimes that are all fairly similar. I expect that your DH hasn't been eating a lot of fresh veggies while he's been away, so he probably could do with a little extra for now.
I wrote up what supplements and doses my partner has been taking for another board member recently so I'm posting that here, other ppl might have additional recommendations:

Grapeseed -- 120 mg, 1 each day
L-Carnitine -- 250 mg, 1 each day sometimes
Arginine -- 500mg, 1 each day sometimes
Multi-vitamin -- 1 each day
Zinc -- (with c) -- 23mg, 1 each day sometimes
Rhodiola Rosea -- 300 mg, 1 each day

The ones marked sometimes he doesn't take every day, but instead several days a week. He senses that his body doesn't need it, which if your DH is in tune with his body he might find with some of the supplements as well. For starts though, I would do take all of these (rhodiola is optional though it might help as well, it is a potent anti-oxident and adaptogen which can help DH feel better after the stress he's been under -- they gave it to Russian fighter pilots in the Soviet Union to deal with the G-force better) -- he should do the supplement routine for three months and you should be able to see a difference in a subsequent analysis.

More information to check out:

Sperm

Male Infertility

Male Fertility or Infertility

Here's a shot of my myo scar 5 months after my surgery. Not bad at all.



Well, I don't know that I'll be doing any nude modeling but surely a little body makeup could make that just about disapppear.

And I know it's over still I cling I don't know where else I can go it's over, it's over, it's over I know it's over and it never really began but in my heart it was so real

I Know Its Over, The Smiths
from The Queen is Dead (1986)

Getting Calcium Without the Dairy

I looked up some info about calcium and thought I would share in response to this post:

Leafy greens contain vitamin C, A and D, magnesium -- along with calcium and folic acid -- and the combination is supposedly easier for your body to assimilate and use. There is also some evidence that too much calcium by itself actually isn't helpful to the body. Since the new USDA guidelines are for 7 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, everyone should probably drinking less milk and getting more vegetable sources of calcium in their diets.

Page 4 of the USDA Dietary Guidelines has a list of non-dairy sources of calcium

This was interesting as well to find out:

"While it is usually stated that calcium impairs iron absorption, the inconsistent results across experiments suggest that calcium-iron interactions are complex...It is likely that iron absorption can be protected by consuming calcium-rich foods and iron-rich foods at different meals."
http://www.mostproject.org/ISTD5.htm

I've been eating a lot more leafy greens over the past couple of years and have noted that if you can't get around to cooking them yourself that ethnic restaurants are a great way to incorporate some into your diet -- Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Ethiopian, Soul Food all have things like bok choy, spinach, or collard readily available. I actually feel better when I have less dairy, I will have some cheese if I'm craving it but otherwise I try to steer clear.

How long to take off for recovery post myomectomy

I was out of work for 3 weeks and then returned part-time at first and then worked up to full time. I did that in part to try to allow my body to focus on healing, all that thinking we do takes up valuable energy that the body could use to help heal itself. Also, it isn't comfortable as you are swollen and have lots of aches and pains in the first 6 weeks or so. It isn't too bad though, manageable really. It depends on many things --

* if you lose a lot of blood or go in anemic then healing will go slower, and you may be fatigued longer
* if you are in good shape your body should be able to heal you more quickly,
* if you eat really well you should heal better,
* if you really do take it easy for the time you are off you will heal better
* if you have any complications such as the incision opening then it will take longer
* some people say that the more quickly you are able to start walking again regularly that it can help promote healing -- but you can't do anything like yoga or running for at least 6 weeks.

I'm feeling like working from home today. Talking to my SIL really stirred up some emotion for me and I feel like I need to be away from people right now. My partner said to me last night that I've been grouchy for days, though I've only noticed that I've been very tired -- though I do get grouchy when I'm tired. I didn't tell him about my conversation with my SIL, just telling my online buddies about it was hard enough -- each time it just opens up the waterworks again and I just need a break from it. I've been almost feeling like I should take a break from charting and even the board too, though I know I couldn't do it easily. I think I need a vacation -- 10 days in Europe sounds nice. Do you know that I'm having a hard time at work right now too, I'm supposed to right all these proposals for new work and I just can't do it. I feel like nothing matters and I don't even understand what people in business want anymore -- it all seems so trivial and petty to me, like "who cares". It's probably just another phase of grief, recovery and acceptance.

The difference between medroxyprogesterone and progesterone

Medroxyprogesterone is a synthetic form of progesterone, it mimic the affects of progesterone on the body. It can cause side effects though that are similar though some of the s/e of progesterone, though it seems to affect more parts of the endocrine system than simple progesterone will cause (yellow eyes indicates liver problems, facial hair growth and loss of head hair indicate adrenal and thyroid involvement):

Medroxyprogesterone

Progesterone

Either way, large doses of hormones are tough on your system so make sure you eat a lot of fiber and drink water and include things like onions, garlic, leafy greens, artichokes and lemon in your diet to help support liver function.

I've been running/walking a mile each day with my dog for the past couple of weeks. I've been really good about keeping it up. I did fall off the wagon and I had hot cocoa and cheese over the weekend which made me feel awful. I'm not lactose intolerant, its just that my body doesn't like taking milk -- it causes more stagnation in my system. I'm trying to be good again and not slide off into my bad dietary habits. Want to know what they are? Well either way, I'm going to tell you -- they fall among the following:



not drinking enough fluids throughout the day

not eating breakfast

not eating breakfast and not eating lunch until after 2:30pm

eating chocolate when I have skipped breakfast and eaten lunch late

eating simple carbs and not enough protein or veggies

not going to the bathroom right away and holding it in (i have an aversion for public bathrooms, it is a problem)



My weekend... My partner's other brother is in town, visiting from France with his girlfriend. We spent a lot of time with them, they leave tomorrow afternoon. We were over at my SIL's house on Sunday and I boldly chose to stay behind with her when everyone else went to lunch, I figured that since she is staying home with the two little ones all the time this might help give her a break and make it so she wasn't feeling left behind. We chatted and eventually the conversation turned to my miscarriage. It was a very difficult and emotional conversation for us both and we both cried. She didn't understand why I couldn't talk to her for 6 months since my partner said I was fine (which wasn't true) -- she was a week behind me in getting her BFP so it was very difficult for me to see her. It was hard for me to have to open it up and explain it to her, but it had to be done as it was unresolved between us. I didn't tell her the nasty things, the really awful feelings I had along the way -- such as hating her, wishing her baby would die too, thinking she was selfish for only trying to reach out to me once. It is normal, I'm not the only one who has felt that way but I can't tell her that stuff. I told her instead that you worry enough when you are pregnant and that I didn't want her to see the dark side of pregnancy -- which is partially true as well.

She told me she was glad that I was accepting of my niece and that ultimately the pregnancy meant nothing -- we both agreed that, but I told her I just didn't need the constant reminders of the baby I wasn't having, the pregnancy that had failed.

Cervical Dysplasia & Cervical Cancer Info

My friend in NYC contacted me yesterday about cervical cancer, she knows someone who had dysplasia diagnosed as cancer and was looking for info (knowing that I'm big into women's reproductive health, she asked me to look it up). Anyway, I have a bunch of links you might want to share with your friend:

----

From what I know the first sign of a problem is a bad pap smear. The results may show signs of cervical dysplasia. Cervical dysplasia means that there are some irregularities in how the tissue is growing, and this can be affected by hormonal imbalances.

An ob/gyn might then go in and do a colposcopy, which is look at the area with a magnifying device to investigate further. Typically the next step is to do a biopsy. The only concern about the biopsy is if your friend has not had children or desires to have more, that this can sometimes affect a woman's fertility.

It is scary but it is fairly common. It can be a pre-cancerous condition, but it does not mean cancer. I have read of it being successfully treated early on with progesterone supplementation (as per What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause, by John Lee M.D.) She needs to find out how bad it is, I believe they give it some sort of rating.

Here are some links:

Cervical Dysplasia

She should join a group like this one, she'll get better information from women who have been there, and find out if she is being taken proper care of:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/cervical_dysplasia/

The Reversal of Cervical Dysplasia With Vitamin Therapy

Cervical Dysplasia Treatment

Alternative Medicine site: Cervical Dysplasia

Xenoestrogens the cause of Cervical Dysplasia
(this is probably not the cause, though it might contribute)

http://www.cancer.gov/cancerinfo/types/cervical

"The prognosis for patients with cervical cancer is markedly affected by the extent of disease at the time of diagnosis."http://www.meb.uni-bonn.de/cancer.gov/CDR0000062759.html

http://www.cervicalcancercampaign.org/

What do you know about Montgomery's tubercles (areola bumps)?

Montgomery's tubercles are those bumps on the areola. Do they ever swell outside of pg?

My breast and nipples have been super sore since 1dpo, and since my cycles have been wacky since my loss and surgery last year I was wondering if this might be just hormonal imbalance and not pg.

The only time I had ever seen my nipples look so weird was when I was pg. I'm not sure what happened this last cycle but it is possible that my body just produced way too much of one of the estrogens -- like maybe I produced more estrone than normal. A day after I posted that the syptoms had subsided so it was just a fleeting thing.

Things you can do to prepare yourself for the prospect of surgery that I found helpful

* Meditate on it -- I walked a labrinth, a type of meditational maze, and thought about my fibroid. After a while I was able to work through what I was afraid of and see that I was going to be okay. It was pretty amazing for me.

* Read Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster -- this book is very soothing and helps you see how to look at the surgery and put yourself in a good mental space for healing. I wish I would have read it sooner.

* Watch a webclip of the surgery being performed -- this alleviates a lot of stress about this unknown. You can also read about it in What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Fibroids

* See what the scar looks like. I posted photos after my surgery to my blog and to the NUFF board and people have written back how helpful it was for them to see. This is my first post after my surgery to my blog, you can see more in the archives before and after that date -- about my decision-making to have the surgery and the healing afterwards.

Those are my best suggestions. The only other thing I might add is that you aren't the only one to have those conflicted feelings. It's our uterus and we're trying to have a baby -- having surgery on that part seems to be in total conflict with having a baby. But, as many of us here have seen, fibroids can also equally be damaging to our plans for babies, and if having them out will help us to get our babies than so be it. In 18 months of being on the NUFF board where there are thousands of members, I only recall one woman having a hyst and she had a cancerous tumor -- which isn't what you have. Everyone else still has theirs and more and more are having babies and getting pregnant all the time.

As for the prospect of a c-section delivery, I am trying to be true to myself and at the same time true to the situation and reality. My fibroid was preventing me from getting pg and I had to have it out if I want to have babies. Having it out changed the situation for delivery and since I've gone to such extremes to "make room for baby" I should just relax about it and focus on getting pg firstmost and then getting the best surgeon I can find and get along with.

I've been feeling a lot better over the past week though energy-wise so I've started running/walking with my dog each day around 5:30 or 6pm, right before the sun goes down. It really helps clear my head and help my body shift gears from work. The furthest I can run is 2 blocks but then we walk -- my dog and I are getting more exercise though this way than just walking and she (old girl that she is at 14 1/2) is loving it. I've also been practicing my qigong and doing acupressure to help with my stagnation.

Fibroids Increases Miscarriage Risk

I was just talking to some of my fibroid buddies online about the fact that our group, which is comprised of women with fibroids, has a much higher rate of miscarriage -- than even my miscarriage buddy group. I'm not surprised at these study findings, though the fact that they still know so little about where fibroids come from is frustrating (inner dialogue: "don't get frustrated, it blocks your liver qi")

Fibroids and miscarriage link

Early results from a pioneering study at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill indicate that small uterine fibroids are associated with an increased risk of miscarriage.

I'm 12 dpo today and I did an HPT which came up blaringly negative. I had all the symptoms too: sore breasts, moodiness, funny looking bumps on my areolae, no interest in sex, implantation spotting at 10-11 dpo. I'm trying not to obsess but really I haven't been able to get anything done today that is useful. I'm trying to obsess my way into getting pregnant but it isn't working out. Argh!

Learn About Beta HCG

A woman was wondering about her beta HCG levels (beta) in the early weeks. Here are some links with good information about beta in early pregnancy:

BetaBase -- an online database of beta HCG levels submitted by women with pregnancies that get past the benchmark of a heartbeat.

What is beta HCG? - info chart and calculator

IVFer's HCG Levels in Early Pregnancy Page -- info, calculator and links to other HCG pages/info

Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG): The Pregnancy Hormone

What is hCG?

There is also this link which is not related but you might find interesting, this is related to how your body knows there is a fertilized egg at all and might explain why some women know that they are pregnant right away:

Early Pregnancy Factor


As for me, I'm 3-4 dpo and having PMS symptoms. It's been my best cycle since before I got pregnant so I've got my fingers and toes crossed. This is our second cycle trying without the fibroid, perhaps my best fertility ever. I hope this month is a success and it is so hard not to get one's hope up.