My partner is so sweet, he's already giving me kisses on the belly at night. I've been going to bed before he has by at least 2 hours now (he's been working late and I've been more tired and with that wacky sleep schedule - 5am today! I feel like I should be a farmer's wife!!!)

We did tell our families over the weekend. They were all in disbelief since they thought that we couldn't do it. When my mother visited early in May she started talking about how she knew people who had adopted children from China, as if we should keep our options open. I think ultimately they are all thrilled.

REs are so curious that I couldn't tell you if they always do u/s but mine is going to.

Today I've been feeling weepy and less tired, my nipples are aching right now. Can someone please explain why the boobs get so big right away when they won't be put into service for 8.5 months?

My biggest conundrum right now is the care provider question and I bet a lot of you are thinking about that as well. I've thought for years that I would use a nurse-midwife, or a ob with a midwife, in a hospital/birthing center setting and have a doula. My sister is in training to become a doula so that would be neat to have her there to support me. But after all I've been through I finally found an RE who respects me as a patient and isn't patronizing or threatened when I ask questions. A good care provider counts for a lot in my book. So I guess I'll have to prepare my list of questions for him to ask at our next appointment like:

C-section delivery rate
Willingness to work with a midwife and/or doula
When he/she does interventions and when not
etc.

How are you all today? I've been supplementing my progesterone with natural progesterone cream since the Rx for the suppositories was messed up on Friday. I started the suppositories last night. Today I'm feeling a little tired and achy, my breasts are sore and there are fewer contractions (which could be because of the progesterone).

I woke up before 5am this morning for no reason in particular. My partner stroked my back for a while until I fell asleep again but then I still woke up at 7am -- still early compared to me before last week. It's like the pg hormones have triggered my circadian rhythms to go to a different pattern or something.

I also have to get up in the middle of the night to pee whereas before I was sleeping like a rock all the night through.

I get a little faint queasiness in the morning so I have to eat but that doesn't count as morning sickness in my book.

When can they see the heartbeat do you know? I'm wondering if anything will show up on my 7/1 appointment u/s. [I found this link which describes the various things they are looking for in the ultrasounds of early pregnancy: http://radiology.creighton.edu/ultraofearlypreg.html]

My partner's mother left a message on his phone yesterday saying that she had a dream that he told her I was pregnant; I think she's pretty excited for more grandkids than just my dear nephew.

We had doctors tell us along the way that SSRI meds for panic-anxiety that my partner took didn't affect fertility but when I read the fine print their tests on rats left a question mark. He got off of Paxil and his count increased.

Then they told us that morphology was something that you are born with and there is nothing to be done about it but he had a vasectomy and reversal and I found it hard to believe that might not contribute.

They also said there was nothing you could take, or do to improve MFI but we didn't give up. My partner saw a naturopath and was Dx as being hypoglycemic so he changed his diet and eating habits and he's felt a lot better since.

They told us IVF/ICSI was the only way but they would take us through a progression -- abdominal surgery for me with 3 months recovery (and 3-4 weeks missed work) before we could try again, then try naturally for 3 months, then try IUI/Clomid for 3 months and then move on to ICSI. We were devastated.

We watched and read the stories of the other couples online who succeeded in spite of similar low morphology and had hope. I noted every instance of slight improvement and finally looked up all of the anti-oxidents and nutritional supplements that people were trying. He's been taking those for 6 months and coincidently hasn't had any problems with panic-anxiety. He started walking to work each day as he was able and he's feeling great.

Then we just tried to maximize the odds (plus I did a bunch myself to improve my fertility since my fibroid was an issue as well) and kept our fingers crossed but I thought for sure it wouldn't work, we were hopeless and intervention might be the only way. But then my period was late and my breasts were large, my body was hot and I took the test and we got our first positive pg test.

I waver between not wanting an ultrasound (fewer are better, less possible interferance) and wanting to know how close it has implanted to the fibroid.

I think when you have had infertility troubles it is just standard for REs to do -- especially if one had undergone fertility treatments (which we did not other than naturopathic and acupuncture care).
quote:

From the FDA site:
Certain tests are routinely done to check the well-being of the fetus during pregnancy and labor. The most common of these, ultrasound, uses sound waves that bounce off internal organs to project images of the organs and the fetus on scanners. There have been no reports of harmful effects associated with ultrasound, which has been used for more than 20 years. Ultrasound does not use radiation, drugs, dyes or chemicals and is beneficial in providing valuable information. For example, it can reveal the number of fetuses and age, size, fetal position, some birth defects, and other information vital to the health care of the pregnant woman and her baby.

There are three types of ultrasound, each used during pregnancy for different purposes. The most common is real-time ultrasound, which takes still pictures in rapid succession and detects the heart-beat, placenta, movement of the arms and legs, and the number and position of the fetus(es).

The second is the Doppler ultrasound, used before and during labor to provide electrical signals that are converted to audible signals of the fetal heartbeat.

The third, vaginal ultrasound, can help diagnose the cause of bleeding and pain or an ectopic pregnancy, in which the fertilized egg grows outside the uterus. It can also detect some birth defects early in the pregnancy.

Also, FYI the FDA advises against keepsake 3-D ultrasound images

I've also heard less is better but it is hard since we have technology available now that can help us understand more what is happening to us when we are pregnant.

Even with being pg my temps aren't that high. I've taken it twice since Wednesday and I've only been at 98.6 and 98.4, although normally when I'm in the first half of my cycle the temps are like 97.7 usually and during my LP my temps are usually 98.4. That's a big enough jump for now though.

I already had 2 blood tests (#1 435 @ 17dpo, #2 985 @ 19dpo) as I was already scheduled to see my RE last Wednesday to check up on my fibroid.

My symptoms so far:
* thirsty
* sore bbs that are large (but still less sore than during PMS)
* waking up early at 6am or earlier and wanting to go to bed at 8:30pm
* tired (can't I take a nap at work?)
* smelly - my sweat was pretty strong last week
* sensitive to smell of car exhaust and cigarette smoke (and cooked brown rice -- I had all the windows open on Saturday to get rid of the smell
* little queasiness
* little headaches
* argumentative (I thought it was the PMS being weird this cycle but I guess not)
heavy feeling in lower abdomen
* mood swings that pass quickly (feel like crying and then it passes)

I'm feeling really tired right now like I need a nap. I'm also feeling a little warm right now as well as a kind of a general malaise. If I wasn't pg I would think I was getting sick. Here's another weird one, I keep feeling like going BLECH and sticking my tongue out -- how's that for weird (and no I'm not actually doing that).

I'm feeling pretty good this morning. I wasn't on the computer over the weekend much, we were trying to have a life (we work on computers all week long and then some).

My blood tests came back in the normal range. I got the second HCG test result on Friday afternoon and the level had doubled appropriately.

This weekend I decided to not go to New York at the end of the month since traveling that far would be stressful and I'm really sensitive to stress. Besides, I don't know how I'll be feeling then. I called and told my parents, brother, grandmother, great-aunt (she'll be 96 in Sept) and the mother of the bride -- my mom's cousin (I was going east for this wedding). I thought my mother was funny, she asked me when I told her "Are you sure?" My goodness, what does she think? I told my dad first and he replied excitedly "tell your mother". My brother was blown away. They knew we were trying for a long time but maybe they thought we couldn't do it.

We also told my partner's mother, brother and sister-in-law, aunt, uncle and cousin. The clan has been notified and activated on both sides.

When my bladder is full in the morning and I'm lying on my back I can see my fibroid faintly on the right side because of my uterus being swollen. The fibroid isn't feeling active so I hope there isn't any competition for blood supply going on so our baby can get all it needs. My breasts are really full and dense, that's the biggest symptom by far. I have noticed that I tend to feel more cramps, queasiness, and waves of emotions in the afternoon so that will be the biggest challenge at work until we are ready to tell everyone.

I'm feeling pretty good so far. My PMS is enough to contend with and this seems a lot easier to deal with -- just feeling a little queasy (almost barely) and then there are I guess some light cramps. My breasts are a little fuller but you would have to be intimate with them to notice, they actually hurt less than they did last week when I was PMS-ing.

Honestly for those of you who haven't been pg before it isn't earth shattering necessarily (which in my head it always seemed like it was). It is like a natural progression of the menstrual cycle which I usually describe as being a test cycle each month to help things tuned up and ready to go.

I often felt desperate as medical practitioners offered up:

"Have you considered adoption?"
"I'm sure he has antibodies; it is very common post-vasectomy reversal. You won't be able to conceive without IVF/ICSI"
"We won't treat you unless you have your fibroid removed"

I was a wreck from the time I found out about my fibroid until 18 months later when I changed gears completely by:

Trying another RE who it turns out I love
Started going to acupuncture weekly
Started going to counseling several times a month
Got us on more vitamins and supplements
Reduced my stress level
Went for chiropractic (which helped with an old back injury)
and then we tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried every cycle as much as we were able to fit in prior to ovulation

I'm amazed that we did it but here I am 6 days late and the tests say it is a done deal. Don't give up hope and if you want to stay natural just know that it is a game of odds and that it just might take time.

I'm off to get my next blood sample. The nurses were total flakes yesterday. My doc said on Wed to call on Thursday to find out if I should do supplemental progesterone. I had to call twice and I didn't hear back until 5pm yesterday that I should but by then they couldn't call the order in until today. I've been using my natural progesterone cream in the meantime. My mother had low progesterone when she was pregnant with her first baby so I think it might be a genetic thing that we aren't such great producers of progesterone.

We'll tell one grandma over Father's Day weekend since she'll be in town (she will be so excited since my partner is her favorite and she's been wanting lots of grandkids to spoil). My parents I think I'll wait until the end of the month when I'm in New York for a family wedding.

I got my blood work back and my HCG (beta?) is 435 and my progesterone was 18.4. I'm waiting to hear if they want me to supplement progesterone but I can feel the extra hormones -- especially in my bbs which are feeling a little fuller and less sore than what I experience normally with PMS. I told you all back
when my CD21 test came back low in November that my suspicion was
that low progesterone was part of my issue. The elevated progesterone so far actually makes this pregnant part easier than my PMS -- my breasts are full but less sore and my mood is better. Normally I go from grouchy and sore to feeling hot in my lower abdomen and weak when I get my period. Are you sure my period isn't going to show up on my unexpectedly? Should I keep running around with sanitary products in my handbag?

I saw my acupuncturist this morning as well and told him that my
fibroid was smaller. I didn't tell him about the pg and asked him to
check my pulses (this is something that you have to find a good
acupuncturist to do but it is amazing what he can sense from both
wrists). He checked first on the left, then on the right and then he
looked at me and asked "are you pregnant?" I've been going for
treatment since January and it has really helped calm my system down. I tend to be a bit frenetic and very sensitive -- work and emotional stress knock me down quickly and I get sick a lot because of it. With acupuncture I feel a lot more even. We're going to give treatment a break for a few weeks while my body adjusts to the pregnancy.

Because of my fibroid and TTC I've gotten quite attuned to the
different pains and sensations in my lower pelvis. I would have
fibroid related pain on the right side, a couple inches to the right
of my belly button in a vertical channel. Last night and today I feel a sensation more in the center but just to the left of my belly
button. Not pain but something is going on in there and it feels like the front, side and back of my uterus that are involved. In
acupuncture they say that things are being reorganized.

I'm just back from the RE. He said it was too early to see a gestational sac and it is really early still. I told him that we were pleased just to see that our equipment works!!!

My fibroid was a bit smaller too no 9cm measurements this time. It was only 6x7cm.

They did a blood draw to check my progesterone and HCG. I'll have the latter in an hour or so. Progesterone will have to wait until tomorrow.

I told them that I wasn't sure if they would show me the door since we got a positive pg on our own and they said no, that's not how they work. The doc was pleased about the positive pregnancy test just by itself. I thanked him for making me feel like my fibroid wasn't a life sentence and that in that he helped alleviate my stress and that surely that influence helped out as well. He said he would happily take credit. I also asked him to please tell the UR in the same clinic (the one who did the reversal) that he had another success story.

My partner is so excited he's already telling me what to eat and not eat. Let's hope it is a keeper because we are so ready for this change in our life.

I just wanted to add that I too used every last positive posting about MFI successes to have hope even though doctors sometimes made it feel like there wasn't any reason for any. If there is anything I can do for any of you to help make you feel better supported please let me know.

I tell you I don't really feel that different. My breasts are a touch fuller and less sore than normal, I'm late, I had a touch more of acne on my chin (but I get a little of that during PMS usually), slight crampy feelings and feeling full like just before my period. I kept asking my partner "what if we are?" and he would say "do you think you are" and I would say "I don't feel like it but I've never been before".

The expected due date falls right around my sister's birthday in February and she's in training to become a doula. When I told her she said that she'd have to come back from France (she's going to be teaching there next year) to help attend the birth.

Things that may have helped (other than luck, God and timing):

Iron supplements
Acupuncture
Happier about work, more fulfilled
Meditation
Giving up hope
Chiropractic adjustments (to help heal my back from falling down the stairs 2 months ago and also problems from a car accident 4 years ago)
Lots of prayers from family, and friends

With my fibroid my uterus was already estimated to be comparable to a 4 month pregnancy (crazy I know) but I'm thin and it is amazing how much extra stuff you can fit in the abdomen without it showing. If this holds then I imagine I'll start showing sooner rather than later. Risks with the fibroid are:

Blood supply to the embryo/fetus/placenta can be compromised since fibroids are so demanding. This can happen even if the placenta isn't placed over the fibroid and can result in miscarriage.

The fibroid can go through rapid growth because of the pregnancy hormones. This can cause the fibroid to outgrow its blood supply and some of the fibroid tissue starts to die and this is supposed to be quite painful. I've heard of women having to be on bed rest and narcotics for 1-3 weeks because of this. Still, some fibroids don't grow during pregnancy, and some even shrink.

The fibroid can cause premature labor which can result in a preemie or in a pregnancy loss. There are no guarantees.

I'm feeling lucky though somehow. Let's just keep praying that it’s all good.

So today is full of all kinds of good news for me and my partner. We
just got our first pregnancy test positive, confirmed by the doctor's office just a little while ago (my pregnancy hormone level is very good). We've been trying, actively trying, for over 2 years. My partner had a vasectomy reversal in 1998 and we had a sperm morphology issue as well. This happened though completely naturally, the old fashioned way.

I already had an appointment scheduled with the RE (reproductive
endocrinologist) today to check on the size of my fibroid since I've
been going for acupuncture treatment since January. I was worried
because the ultrasound wouldn't be accurate since my period hadn't
arrived yet (with its corresponding drop in the estrogen level). The
fibroid in February measured 6 x 6.5 x 9 cm, today it measured about
6x7. Who knows what's up with it but at least it didn't get larger!!

We are really excited that the "equipment" works and have our fingers crossed.

I don't feel pregnant at all and honestly, I even told the doctor,
when you have a heavy period and it doesn't arrive when you expect it you feel like you are walking on eggshells until it does. I guess the biggest thing is that my PMS symptoms are backing off and I don't feel hormonal or yucky. So far my impression is that this is all a good thing hormonally.

It is 6:00AM and my partner pushes me to move over and mumbles that I'm too hot. Too hot I think, that's kinda odd if I'm just about to get my period. So I take my temp and it is 98.6 - really high for being woken up an hour and a half early. So, I figure 34 day cycle, temp a little warm, still no sign of my period, I guess that warrants a pregnancy test. So I go down the hall to the bathroom and do. And I watch the paper fibers being saturated and it looks oddly bluish and it settles into two very clear blue lines. That's right, my first positive.

I have no idea what we are up against at this point because of my fibroid but I wanted to share. We have been trying for over 2 years, unprotected sex since February 2000 as well. This seems amazing and I don't really feel different. Not really. I guess that visit to the doctor will be for something else this afternoon.

Our UR didn't check for antibodies until we asked. That was frustrating to say the least since one RE (the male head of a university fertility center in our area -- who fired me as a patient b/c I didn't want to have abdominal surgery) I was talking with assumed we had an anti-body issue without any tests being done.

My partner likes to think that the doctor's know it all and I was raised to question doctor diagnoses (my dad went to medical school and was in practice as a dentist so we had a different perspective on the medical system). He's open to my research but one RE (a woman) told him a year ago in Feb that he probably always had a morphology issue and that it was genetic and there was nothing to be done about it -- yet the UR works in the same clinic and he is optimistic for us in spite of the bad morph numbers. (We don't have antibodies thank goodness -- we've got enough working against us).

Here's the fact sheet from the ASRM site about Diagnostic Testing for Male Factor Infertility

Still waiting. I did ovulate a little late this month on CD 17 instead of 15 like usual. Work stress or the stress of my mother visiting I'll never know. I don't think I'm pg though but I'll keep a candle lit just in case I'm one of those people who can't tell their pg. I'm so sensitive to my hormones that seems unlikely. I do feel wacky moody today, holding it together as a professional at the office but feeling weepy and the like -- signs that aunt flo approaches.

I do have this ultrasound scheduled tomorrow and it won't be accurate at all unless I get my period. When the hormones drop at the beginning of the cycle my fibroid shrinks and that's what we use as baseline. It takes a couple days for the effect though. I think it is still growing although I don't want it to. I'm fighting messed-up DNA at this point in time though; that just keeps replicating itself. Blah! I'm still shooting for trying the IUI with the fibroid in place. Don't want to go through major abdominal surgery if I can help it.

My cycle average length is 30 days but the longest one since I've been charting was 33 days. I could be hours or minutes away from it starting though. Here's to cycles longer than 30 days though.

The psychological burden of fertility

Infertility I think, from a psychological burden standpoint is so hard to take. Will we or won't we? Can we or can't we? Actually I know people who don't even plan on having children who still struggle with their fertility.

One friend of mine thinks this is due to the fact that out of any of our instincts the desire to reproduce would be one of the strongest since that is what perpetuates the species. Watching the birds nesting in our yard and how they do it year after year in spite of the grueling feeding schedules I think that is probably true.

I called the fertility clinic on Thursday and got the SPA test results which are completely normal (a good ratio of sperm penetrated the ova showing good functioning). I've got an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday to check up on my fibroid. I had continued growth from September 2002 through February 2004; I would love to see that there was no growth but that might be too much to ask for.

My partner is feeling really good about the IUI prospects and he's getting psyched up for me getting pregnant soon. It is kind of cute but it feels so far from reality to me. It feels like winning the lottery, you can't even imagine what it is like until you do it. There are sooooooo many pregnant women and new babies in town right now that I'm constantly gazing after. I try not to make it too much of a head trip but it is hard to not think Why not me?

SPA Test Results (poor hamster)

I just got off the phone with our fertility clinic and they gave me the results from the SPA test (the hamster egg test). The results were 5.8 and less than 2.x is failing. She told me that we were normal.

They didn't check morphology this time (I tell him he's got to ask for these things or else they forget) and his count is 36 million and he had 57% motility. Not too bad.

I would love to know if there was any change in the morphology due to his supplements but no such luck this time.

Then, I heard the oddest story today. This woman couldn't get pregnant and was going to have a hysterectomy (maybe for pain). Since she wanted to have a baby they did some procedure on her to remove endometriosis. She had odd adhesions maybe covering her ovaries. They cleared out the film that was blocking the passage of the egg and low and behold she got pregnant with quadruplets -- and this was totally natural, no medications. How crazy is that?

The only other boy tests I can think of us having done is the SCSA test (thanks for reminding me) which I'm waiting to hear back from the UR about, and then maybe more blood work since his FSH was a little high at last check a while back.

Here's for small blessings!

Nothing much happening here. I've gotten so used to the not being pregnant signs that I know nothing is going on with me this month. I only wish we had a hint of something EVER. Sometimes it is hard not to feel sterile through all of this. (I'm just tired and cranky from PMS right now). My partner still hasn't called the doc to set up the appointment to review the SPA test results. Maybe next week while AF is visiting, that would be a great time don't you think

I did speak with my friend of 20+ years this morning and she had just finished nursing her week-old twins. It was nice talking to her and seeing how she was doing with this new life phase and responsibility. I could hear one of the babies over the phone making little squimy whimpers. I'll see them later this month.

Please God let something work for us.