Saturday Morning

I came home from work last night and took a nap for maybe an hour. I just needed to give my nervous system a break. After I got up I realized that I just felt blocked inside so I decided to do some qigong. My acupuncturist told me that I needed to be careful what I did since certain types of qigong movements can cause you to miscarry. I haven't practiced in months but I had to try something, nothing was moving in my body. I did a portion of the Jade Body routine I learned at the beginning of the year and right away I started getting that shivery feeling of energy starting to move in my body. I felt a lot better afterwards. Later after dinner and a movie we had a bath in our new jetted tub and soaking in the warm water helped me feel more relaxed.

My breasts hurt. They have continued hurting, but not in the same way from day to day. Last night the pain started building again and this morning they are killing me, almost like that knives sensation again. How fun. How completely distracting.

Here is a list of my symptoms as they peaked and what I've noted over the past week:

Fatigue -- was needing to take naps from the week after AF was due until Tuesday after Memorial Day when I strangely didn't need them anymore.

Sore Breasts -- On and off but became significantly less a week ago Wednesday though the pain picked up again today.

Swollen Belly -- peaked Memorial Day weekend and gradually has receded so that you can't really tell but I'm still more bloated than normal.

Hair growth -- My chin hair (yes, it's true) was growing so quickly up until last week that I needed to tweeze every day because a new hair would show up. It was freaking me out.

Nausea -- only faint boughts, last episode was at the beginning of this past week

Thirst -- I normally don't get thirsty very much but I've noticed that the increased hormones make me more thirsty. I wasn't thirsty for much of the past week.

Increased need to pee -- I was having to pee lots all the time, though thankfully not at night. That wasn't really happening this past week.


Who the heck knows. My partner wants me to go for the scan on Wednesday. I asked him if just he and my uterus could go and that I would stay home. Either that or that I be able to be drunk when I go in so I don't have to deal. I'm not a big drinker at all (to such a degree that many of my friends don't think I drink at all) but it is just that painful and stressful to be dealing with all this.

Intercourse Frequency -- Why more might be better

[I hadn't posted this info before and I want to get it out there. I know its not entirely topical at the moment but I hope you don't mind the diversion]

Since we have a bit of a sperm morphology issue we first tried the every other day routine recommended for MFI. But after having no success and then playing around with the numbers it seemed to us that loading up the EWCF with sperm prior to ovulation would help get more swimmers in there and ready to catch the egg. We've used this strategy both times we have gotten pregnant.

I looked up more research and articles related to ejaculatory frequency and I found some interesting things that I thought I would share:

"The characteristics were examined of 87 consecutive semen samples obtained from participants of an intra-uterine insemination (IUI) programme. The population investigated comprised 65 normozoospermic, 13 moderately oligozoospermic and nine severely oligozoospermic individuals. The samples were produced after 4 days abstinence for the first IUI and after a further day of abstinence for the second IUI. Semen volume, sperm concentration, total sperm count and total motile sperm count for the whole population decreased significantly between the first and second samples. [b]The characteristics of the second sample were significantly decreased only for the normozoospermic group.[/b]"
The effect of ejaculatory frequency on semen characteristics of normozoospermic and oligozoospermic men from an infertile population.
Matilsky M, Battino S, Ben-Ami M, Geslevich Y, Eyali V, Shalev E.
[Note: Normozoospermic is normal counts, oligozoospermic is low counts. The numbers seems to jump down more if you have normal counts -- the higher you are the harder you fall.]

"there was a significant positive relationship between the time taken to produce a specimen and sperm concentration. We conclude that the duration of preejaculatory sexual arousal is an important predictor of ejaculate quality for specimens produced by masturbation and that variation in the duration of preejaculatory arousal may contribute to within-male fluctuations in semen parameters over time."
Duration of sexual arousal predicts semen parameters for masturbatory ejaculates.
Pound N, Javed MH, Ruberto C, Shaikh MA, Del Valle AP.
[Note: we should be doing our best to get our guy intersted evidently if we want his best "effort"]

"Sperm numbers and semen volume increased with duration of abstinence. Abstinence did not influence pH, viability, morphology, total or grade A motility, or sperm DNA fragmentation. A short (24-hour) abstinence period negatively influenced chromatin quality."
Influence of the abstinence period on human sperm quality.
De Jonge C, LaFromboise M, Bosmans E, Ombelet W, Cox A, Nijs M.
[Note: Chromatin is what they are testing for in the SCSA test]

"The results have demonstrated that the motility and normal morphology of spermatozoa do not change significantly with ejaculation frequency. Also, while the volume of the ejaculate and the total number of spermatozoa decreased during a period of frequent coitus, an individual's depletion and recovery of his spermatozoal reserve could not be accurately predicted. It is suggested that coital frequency during the woman's periovulatory period could be modified by the partner's response to this test. Furthermore, while it is acknowledged that the variation in results from a 'routine' semen analysis is large, data obtained after depletion of the extra-gonadal reserve and recovery over a set time may have more value and could be the method of choice for the future."
Studies of human seminal parameters with frequent ejaculation. I. Clinical characteristics.
Matilsky M, Battino S, Ben-Ami M, Geslevich Y, Eyali V, Shalev E.

It just seems to me that the every other day BD routine might not be right for all MFI folks and that it is worth it to try upping frequency to see if it helps improve things for you. Since morphology and motility don't really necessarily seem to be affected it might be better to try out some sexy lingerie and a strip tease and learn some tantric breathing techiques to slow him down a little.

It's worth a thought.

Here's a chart showing why this might work:



I took two different hypothetical total counts and then reduced subsequent by 30%, just a random level that I pulled out of the air. Obviously real life generation rates could be better or worse than that, but note that based on this model having more sex results in a greater number of total sperm deposited.

Two other gals that I know online who were TTC post vasectomy reversal both tried this strategy and it worked for them the first try as well.

Some other random bits of info:

• The best sperm can live in a test tube at room temperature for a week
  
• it takes about 20 sperm to help weaken the zona pellucida enough to have one be able to penetrate the egg to fertiize it
  
• on the day of ovulation your body has already produced some progesterone which helps ripen the follicle. This progesterone can change the quality of your CF so that it is less hospitible to sperm so timing BD on the day of your peak day (the gooey EW day) or prior is probably the best.
  

I have this song in my head, it's one that we did across the floor exercises to in one of my modern dance classes...

"here I go again on my own...like a drifter I was born to walk alone"

I did a search and it is by WhiteSnake (Here I Go Again), oh the glories of bad 80s rock music.

Another one that has been going through my head is a very special adaptation of the Monchichi song from the commercial. ("Monchichi, Monchichi, Oh so soft and cuddly"), my version goes like this:

"My baby, dead baby. Not so soft and cuddly."

(It's my blog, I can say what I want. I never did own a Monchichi by the way, they came out when I was out of their target age range and I don't think I would have enjoyed them at all)

Yesterday's special phrase, my mantra of sorts for the anniversary of my first BFP coupled with the news of my second failed pregnancy was:

deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby
deadbaby

Oh and for the complete and total irony of the situation, since I had that fibroid surgery and I'm not allowed to go through labor for fear of rupturing my uterus and killing my baby (well, someday I might get that far) the only time I ever get to experience labor is through my miscarriages. How pleasant.

Good things, bad things and random things

Here are some of the things I've been thinking about:

Good things:

1. our embryo developed into a sac or something this time, it wasn't another blighted ovum
2. we got pregnant on our own
3. we got pregnant on the third cycle trying after my surgery
4. we got pregnant again before the anniversary of my previous BFP (or ovulation date)
5. I got pregnant before I was 35
6. I likely will be able to miscarry on my own
7. My pregnancy was in my uterus so at least one tube isn't blocked, maybe even both
8. I have wonderful buddies online who help give me support

Random things:
1. I can now finish working on the office renovations which is mostly painting work
2. I can stay focused on work for longer (well, trying to stay focused at least)
3. I get to keep my girlish figure for a little longer
4. I can look forward to some more time running around with my dog without sore boobs in the near future
5. we didn't tell anyone in real life so no one knows
6. I've been over this ground before so it isn't totally unknown territory

Grumble things:
1. I won't be able to get pregnant again until after I am 35
2. The gap between our potential babies and their cousins grows wider
3. We didn't get to see a heartbeat again, let alone an embryo
4. I don't feel like I'm in a good place to see my mother and deal with her illness
5. "I've been TTC for 3 years and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

I feel angry today. I once read that anger was one way that our bodies/minds deal with stress. I must be really stressed out. It wasn't until I got to work that I felt it, like biting people's heads off. I'm going to try to hold my tongue since it isn't anyone's fault that I feel this way.

We went for a walk last night in a neighborhood park with our dog. It was nice and I wish my partner would come with me more often. I left the front gate open and after running an errand and stopping back at the house this morning the dog was gone. She's done it before and has her little routine for roaming the neighborhood but I hated having to leave for work and know that she wasn't safe at home.

I woke up at 4:45 in the morning and was up until 6:30 and then went back to bed. I'm trying to focus on just waiting for AF to come as I feel certain she will. Well likely its not going to be the same but I figure I'll just wait it out even it if takes three weeks since I would prefer not to have my third d&c in a year.

I'm feeling like I don't want to have a repeat u/s next week. It isn't going to provide me with good news, it has no therapeutic value and I'm going to have to pay for it. Why bother if the only thing to see is a further disintegrated sac with some schmutz in it. I hope I start bleeding soon so we can get it over with.

We are oddly a little relieved, as I posted just one day before my BFP some weeks ago, this isn't the best time. I'm trying to get my business back on track and I really need to focus on it right now for a little while more. Also, I was right in the middle of doing some painting prep work in our office and I wasn't going to be able to finish which bothered me but I was avoiding exposure to the paint fumes and toxins.

It's weird to know that when I started feeling better last week is likely when things stopped happening. So I'm making a mental note -- pregnancy is supposed to make you feel more uncomfortable, bloated, exhausted and in pain and having less of those symptoms is a bad sign.

I had a thimbleful of hope going in for my scan yesterday but I guess it was knocked over and now hope has dissipated.

I had my scan and there was a gestational sac with a little bit of schmutz in it but it dated 2 weeks behind (5w 4d instead of 7w 2d). I'll have a repeat scan in a week just to be sure but based on my beta numbers at 14/16 dpo and all its not looking at all favorable at this point.

I talked to a nurse about it and she thought that perhaps the delayed ovulation might have resulted in a poorer egg. I told her about how I had been having hormonal weirdness all year since my surgery which was why I tried the vitex under supervision of my acupuncturist.

She said that likely I will miscarry on my own, but the jury is still out. There is a vague (almost nil) chance that it was late implantation but that doesn't really jive with my beta numbers.

My symptoms haven't increased in over a week, in fact they have levelled out. I've been across this bridge before -- d&c, bleeding, cramps, etc. But this time would surely be less physically uncomfortable without the fibroid.

Oh well. Thanks for your prayers.

My partner told a longtime client today. She cornered him to ask about what happened with our pregnancy last year since she hadn't seen him. She said to him "you didn't have a baby did you?" He told her no but that we would find out tomorrow if we have another chance. It made me feel a little emotional to know that it was hanging out there in the wind, a few random people wondering here and there. Sheesh! I hope we don't have to go through that again.

My scan is in 24 hours (3pm PST). I can't wait for it on one hand and in denial on the other. I think to myself that maybe I can just ignore and things will happen or not. Right? I'll either have a miscarriage or a won't. I'll either have a baby in 8 months or I won't. Seeing the scan will just mean that I have to do something, feel something and part of me doesn't want to feel anything.

I feel a bit pregnant but nothing compared to last time when I was exploding with my fibroid. Realistically if there is an embryo inside of me it is the size of a pea or something, with the sac around it. Fairly small over all. My pregnancy symptoms have been pretty easy over the past week, my breasts still hurt but gone is that feeling of knives stabbing into them, my uterus feels a bit full, sometimes at the end of the day it actually feels extra swollen. My abdomen has adjusted to the hormonal bloat. I'm a bit moody -- alternating feelings last night of frustration, anger and wanting to cry. Overall it just feels like a bad case of weird PMS - is that how pregnancy is supposed to feel?

I talked to my partner last night about not wanting to tell anyone about our pregnancy and he said that he felt the same way. We're kinda of feeling like letting people find out if/when it gets noticible. We have no plans either way for telling or not telling -- I guess we'll just have to see how our appointment goes tomorrow.

I just remembered from a few weeks ago something that I thought you might find interesting. I had that BFP come up on the HPT and brought it into the bedroom. My partner and I just stared at it for a while and I remember we talked about the fact that it was probably a chemical pg and that there was a good chance that it might go away the next day. It didn't of course, but that just goes to show you how much we feel like this isn't for real.

We talk about it a little bit. We both want to have it go well but losing that pregnancy last year was really hard for us both. I woke up early this morning and remembered thinking to myself that if our scan goes badly will I be able to not feel so sorry for myself this time. I just don't know.

I'm doing okay but feeling very emotional today. My mother had her surgery and it went well, the cancer hadn't spread at all.

I'm still holding my breath until we have a scan that shows that there is something actually growing in there and not just a blighted ovum like last time. As the day for the scan grows nearer I find myself getting more and more emotional and scared about it. I've been trying not to get my hopes up at all but instead I've been feeling a bit alone about it. I just feel like I've got awful PMS and maybe it will stick and maybe it won't but it's a really hard place to be in. So when you add that on top of the other stuff going on in my life I'm having a hard time not crying while writing right now.

And depending on what treatment my mother has I might not be able to see her, because radiation would make her radioactive and pg women and children (sometimes adults as well) are supposed to stay away.

Even if you get a BFP there is no solace and you don't necessarily feel like you have accomplished anything other than a delayed AF.:(

I slept in this camisole with a built in shelf bra and I woke up in the middle of the night with my breasts absolutely killing me so I yanked it off and went back to bed. I've decided to go bra-less today which has felt a lot better. It's easier to do when the weather is cooler since the layers will hide my enlarged pregnant nipples better. They aren't grossly enlarged but still I like to leave a little more to the imagination when walking about, ya know?

My mother-in-law is in town for the weekend and so we've been around family more. That's all been fine but the key things are to avoid getting into discussions about my fertility since I don't want to outright lie about my pregnancy but we don't want to share about it either, and also to not give away any signs that something is up. The 2-3 hour naps I like to take now, my big boobs and my bloated belly are all things that we need to distract them from. So far so good (knock on wood).

I haven't mentioned it here yet, but at the end of the week when we found out we were expecting my mother called to let me know that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's really small and only in one breast and they caught it early but she'll be having surgery this coming Friday. Why is it that life has to send a good with a bad, it's almost like there was this trade-off that happened in the negotiations and it was decided that I could get pregnant but that something else bad had to happen in my life. Sigh. My mother and I haven't been getting along very well for a year now and still I'm making a better effort to call her and the like. She's loving the extra attention. We decided not to tell her about the pregnancy since she didn't deal well with my loss last year, not helpful to me and I think it brought back unresolved memories of her own losses. Better to wait until there really is good news.

Only 10 days until our ultrasound. My partner took the day off from work. I keep saying to myself over and over "Please God. Please God. Please God..."

So I had an A-HA moment this morning. I was seriously showing a lot earlier last time, which makes sense with the normal swelling of the uterus and growth of the sac and placental tissue but I also had a fibroid so my uterus was already enlarged to about 3.5 months pg equivalent in size, and it surely got up to around 5 months pg in size by 8 weeks post O. This is so much easier this time around.

What a relief!!

You can see how I was feeling at this point of my pregnancy in my post from last year.

I'm feeling okay. My thyroid feels very active, earlier today I had to pee and was thirsty at the same time and I'm a little extra emotional/irrational.

I walked down to where my partner is working yesterday and tried calling him but he didn't answer and didn't call back and I decided he was having an affair and at the same time I knew that was a totally crazy thing to think. He was at a client meeting in another city. It's just the wacky hormones.

I also have been hot while sleeping, also peeing a bit more and I have moments of pelvic twinges and bloating that comes and goes. If I push myself too long without a rest in the early evening I get hot flushes that are very odd. My acupuncturist said it is due to yin deficiency. I'm taking care to lay down and relax.

How is it possible that I'm pregnant? Two nights ago I woke up really early in the morning and was too tired to get up and one of the first things I thought was how this pregnancy is taking over my body bit by bit which caused me a little anxiety. I was half-asleep at the time and it's kinda funny thinking about it now.

I'm 16 dpo today and I just got back the results of my second beta. Monday=94 (14dpo) Wed=266 (16dpo). My progesterone was 13.2 but they aren't worrying about it and I'm already supplementing with progesterone cream.

I don't want to say anything until after my 6 week scan, since that was such a rough thing for us last year. After we see a baby then we will let everyone know.

I'm going in for my repeat beta later this morning after my acupuncture appointment. If the numbers look good then I'll post my chart tonight.

I told another friend from the boards yesterday, she hasn't been on in months and is taking a break and just happened to IM me yesterday. She's been trying for ages and it turns out her DH has anti-sperm antibodies. Their relationship has really been affected by the infertility and they are likely going to separate -- a lot has gone wrong in their relationship, this would be for the best.

She told me to let people know so that they could share in the good news. I know what she means but I think about my infertile buddies and how this news would be a mixed thing. I hate how hard it is for ppl, but this really didn't come easy I had to make some pretty radical lifestyle changes and also have surgery.

My breasts are sore, though a touch less sore than yesterday. Its more different sore. I so hope that everything is going to go well. With all the healthy eating I've been doing to help rebuild my system since the surgery, the weekly acupuncture, the select use of medicinal herbs, and the progesterone -- plus not having my blood-sucking fibroid in there anymore -- surely things will go better this time.

My partner, came down last night from his office in the attic and sat next to me and put his head on my shoulder and said "When are we going out to dinner to celebrate my good sperm" He wants to go to that nice restaurant we went to on our anniversary. I reminded him that we opened up a celebratory bottle of champagne last week (yum!) and that it was a good thing we got that out of the way as I wouldn't be drinking for a while. I don't mind a sip here or there, but nothing more.

I think I'll post my updated chart on Thursday if my temps look good and just let people find out that way. Does that seem weird. I'm just so afraid of jinxing it. Ya know?

My breasts are so huge already, much sooner than last time for certain. I tested positive at 19 dpo -- I waited until I was a couple of days late -- and it was the week after that things got interesting. I didn't use progesterone that cycle though so who knows.

I've had lots of belly twinges and also faint waves of nausea but nothing that would stop you in your tracks. I so hope this is a keeper. You have no idea how much my mood lifted when I got the beta result.

I tested on 13 dpo. I kept thinking about a buddy's late BFP, it was partly what kept me using the progesterone cream. I was thinking that it was possible that somewhere inside me was a little fertilized egg that was trying to find a place to implant and it was up to me to try to help improve the environment with the progesterone (I've tested low for progesterone twice).

While studies are inconclusive about progesterone preventing miscarriage, there is still a lot they haven't studied and some clinical evidence points to progesterone supplementation actually helping "rescue" the corpus lutuem. If your progesterone production is lame and implantation can happen late then there is a chance that supplementing progesterone can keep the endometrium in a state that the egg can implant whereas without it the environment is inhospitable.

You have no idea how surprised I am. I totally wasn't expecting that test to come up positive. I thought to myself that it was just going to be another blank test. Then I noticed a the test dye was activated and it just looked a little bit different. Then I walked away and came back and it looked like nothing but I picked it up and the dye was starting to lightly accumulate some on the test line as well as the control line.

It's been a long time since we started on this TTC adventure. I was just saying on the Ovusoft boards on Saturday about how this would be a bad time to get pg since work is so busy right now with proposals and deals closing. Same as last year though, I was just starting to give up hope and then this. We conceived last May 24th (my ovulation date) so this must be a fertile time for us.

Of course the bathroom is still a mess and the kitchen remodel isn't underway. I still haven't finished renovating the office but now I need to stay away from paints and solvents -- even though we use low toxicity/water-based they still contain compounds which act on the endocrine system.

All it took...

Vasectomy reversal in 1998
Poor morphology 2000
Charting and TTC started 2002
Fibroid dx 2002
Start working with a naturopathic doctor 2002
Consult with a bunch of REs and Ob/gyns 2003
Get partner off of Paxil 2004
Get partner on MFI vitamin mix 2004
Acupuncture for me 2004-2005
Blighted ovum July 2004
Fibroid surgery 2004
Chinese herbs to help rebuild my system after surgery 2005
Fertility monitor Feb 2005
Lots of wonderful online buddies to help keep me sane when things were sure as heck not feeling that way.

Thanks to all who donated babydust to this BFP. I'm spreading a little back out at the rest of you who are needing it.

I forgot to mention that I used vitex as you may recall, for 6 days of this cycle. I think that it actually might have helped to recalibrate me a bit. Then I started using natural progesterone cream (Emerita) starting 8dpo and the combination of the two might have made my wooba more hospitible. I also used cinnamon to help counteract my post O fatigue which did help. I haven't posted my updated chart yet, I'll do that for Thursday morning, after I have the result from my second beta draw. Oh, and I also did what another TTC buddy did -- I went out shopping for new clothes last week.

My beta came back at 94, which is in that good range (around 100 ng/ml 14-16 dpo results in an 85% success rate at this point)

Can you even believe it?

My partner doesn't want me to tell anyone online yet though so it will just be you and I for a little while. I don't think I can hold it back though for long, already people are starting to ask questions about my chart.

I posted a message on Saturday to one of my buddy groups that went on about how lame my chart was this cycle and how it didn't even look a little like the example charts of pregnancy success and how it was a good thing I wasn't pregnant right now as work is so busy and that I just had to resign myself to the fact that we might not have kids since we don't want to do IVF. I almost took it down on Sunday morning but decided to leave it. Pretty amusing.

One of my chart-lurking buddies, said to discard the weird peak prior to O and then to move out my ovulation date ( it was only due to my override that it was on Sunday anyway) and my coverline would drop down indicating a larger thermal shift. When you look at it that way, the vitex does in fact look like it adjusted my hormones for the better compared to previous cycle and that it does in fact look like a better chart.