UB62!

I had a headache all day yesterday, and felt vaguely full of water -- but not really bloated. I couldn't figure it out but it wasn't the kind of headache that Tylenol will fix. It was the kind that I've had over the past week, that's like when I took Vitex and Blupleurum last year and they were too moving for me.

Last night while in bed sipping my fibroid herbs from my acu, with a hot water bottle on my belly I took out The Infertility Cure to see if I could find anything -- which is hard as you know b/c not everything in it is indexed. Then the outside of my foot started hurting out of nowhere and I looked it up -- UB62. When I looked further into that in the book (Governing Meridian key point) it sounded like it was perfectly connected to
excess hormones and headache that I've been experiencing. I rubbed it once, but just thinking about that spot seemed to get the Qi flowing as I started feeling tingly sensations going up the backs of my legs and back.

I woke up really sleepy this morning and still with a little headache.

I did have a chiropractic treatment yesterday afternoon, one of my vertibrae mid back was stuck I noticed at dance class on Saturday. I don't know if that might have contributed as well

Miscarriage Tips

I just wanted to write down a few things that might be helpful for people dealing with their first losses. Others feel free to add on your advice as well.

-- Unless your pg is dating more than a week behind in the 6-7 week range, you can't be sure about what's going on with your pg until you have waited a week and had a repeat scan unless you are already losing it and bleeding or have blood tests showing that your HCG level is dropping.

-- Don't just get a d&c after one bad u/s, wait a week just to confirm -- barring other situations that might preclude that such as ectopic, molar pg, etc. Sometimes things look badly and then it turns out to be just a bad scan. Not a majority of the time but you don't want to make a decision hastily and then feel guilt-ridden later that you hadn't given it a chance.

-- the medications that they use to knock women out during a d&c can have a side-effect that you might wake up crying. Doctors and anesthesiologists don't often tell women this and when you are dealing with the already emotionally traumatic experience of pg-loss this s/e can really make you feel worse and more out of control. (light sedation won't do this)

-- you usually have the option of doing a d&c under light sedation or under general. Ask your doctor about it. Some gals have had better experiences with light sedation. I've had both but only general during the d&c to remove retained tissue -- one didn't strike me as better than the other but each has it own benefits and drawbacks.

-- You can choose to m/c at home on your own. You need to know what to watch for (hemorrhaging and signs of infection) but lots of women do it. (see my miscarriage prescription)

-- Even if you have a d&c to end a failed pg more quickly you still might go into labor a few days later. (see my miscarriage prescription)

-- you might want to save the POC/baby if you miscarry at home. Some women here have planted it in their garden or even it potted plants. Some women feel guilt later if they have flushed it down the toilet. It's totally up to you what you want to do but don't feel like a freak if you feel the need to honor your loss in that way. And if you don't want to it's okay too.

-- if you have a full-time job it is hard to know how much time to take off and when. Miscarriages can be draw out affairs. Many women take at least a week off, some go back to work right away. I've alternated, going to work when I was up to it and stayed home on the days when I just couldn't cope at all. It's hard, and I think we've all had to deal with it. Know that others have struggled as you have and that it's okay. Just try to be gentle with yourself.

-- its easy to want to stop taking care of yourself after you learn of your baby's demise, wait to miscarry and recover physically afterwards. To go from being so careful about what you eat and taking all your vitamins to eating junk food and drinking wine. Try to do better than that, keep taking your prenatals as your body will need the extra nutrition as it reorganizes your hormones and body back to an unpregnant state. Drink lots of water, go for walks, and eat healthy meals. It's okay if you aren't perfect and can't manage to be super fabulous about it, just make an effort. Not taking care of yourself isn't going to make you feel better ultimately, it might make you feel worse.

-- If you have lost a lot of blood make sure to add in more iron into your diet and take iron supplements for a while. I think taking a separate supplement separately from my prenatals is easier for my body to absorb -- I take a chewable iron that doesn't disagree with my system.

-- bleeding more than two weeks after a d&c should be looked into via u/s or at least a beta draw.

-- you should have a beta draw a week after a d&c to help make sure you have no retained tissue

-- if you continue to have a dragging pregnant feeling after your miscarriage and your doctor hasn't done a f/u beta draw you might have retained tissue.if you have retained tissue that is still growing and engaged the progesterone produced post-O will make you feel more pg

-- your body can ovulate after the hcg level drops below 40-50 ng/ml.

-- you might ovulate a couple weeks later or your body might need more time to recoup and get things reset and restarted after your loss.

No tears at dance class

I went to modern dance class again yesterday and got through class without any big swelling of emotions. Hopefully that was just a fluke thing, triggered more from lack of fitness than anything else -- it reminds me of why I feel so crap.

I was able to go through all the class this time but I only marked the composition as there was something pinching in my spine and I didn't want to push it just in case. I have a chiro appointment on Monday afternoon so hopefully that will help. At class another dancer mentioned a Pilates instructor she has worked with that really helped her with a major back injury (lower back slipped disc) and now it never bothers her. I'm going to look her up as well and see if maybe that might help strengthen things. I also got some new ballet slippers so I can continue to focus on some basic barre and floor work at home for strengthening my back and core gently.

Except for the recent hormonally induced PMS issues over all I'm feeling so much more myself finally. Each day I feel like I've been sleeping for the past few years. My partner even recognizes it, and it had a lot to do with my original fibroid diagnosis; it really caused me to lose my sense of self and caused me to shut down a bit. Overall I feel really relieved.

Yesterday on the Ovusoft Miscarriage board I read a post someone made about how her losses took all the joy from her life and how she finally stopped trying because she didn't want to live like that anymore. That's sort of what I feel as well. I can be happy and childless or struggling with TTC, infertility and miscarriage. Right now just being me is bringing joy to my heart and spirit.

Charmed Star Pregnant with Second Post Fibroid Surgery

I thought you might be interested to know that Holly Marie Combs from the TV show Charmed is pg with her second child. She had a fibroid surgery several years ago.

Mentions of her fibroid surgery:

"I had a few fibroids removed, and they left me with a Grand Canyon of scar tissue in my uterus. The doctors weren't sure I'd be able to reproduce. I was prepared for a rough road, and then out of nowhere we conceived."
From: Celebrity Mom Interview: Holly Marie Combs

"Actually," she says, "I'm not quite sure if I want to talk about this, but I kind of do, because I'm so sick of all these rumors. I just had surgery (for a uterine fibroid) recently, and we shut down for two weeks.

"These girls, I mean, Shannen was with me through every doctor's appointment and held my hand, and Alyssa was in my hospital room every day, she even climbed into bed with me. These are kind of life-and-death things when you really need people, and they're actually there. It's pretty nice.

"It made a huge difference in how fast I got better to have them around and have them be so supportive of me. These were not pleasant doctor's appointments and tests that they sat through with me. And my crew was so supportive of me. It's really become this family atmosphere where we take care of each other."
From: Holly Marie Combs' "Charmed" Life

From other links I found it sounds like she was a vegetarian for years and her fibroids might have been discovered when she was 24.

There are waves

I had an interesting week that I think you might be interested in. In my french class there are only three students and we're all girls and it's pretty casual. My teacher has just fallen in love and she's funny how she gushes over this new love. Another gal mentioned that she wants to TTC later on this year -- she's my age. The other day in one of the oral exercises I answered that I don't go visit my friends very often and my teacher asked why and I said b/c a bunch of them had moved away recently. She said you seem like such a nice girl... She wasn't mean but she just meant that she would have thought I would have lots of close g/fs. (Well I do but you guys are on the net and I can't easily visit you all). So I mentioned that I had hot water with my breakfast on Thursday and they acted all shocked (not coffee or tea?) and I tried to explain that it was due to having health issues and TCM. There was only one other student there that night so finally I just blurted out -- my body doesn't deal with hormones well and I've had two miscarriages and a fibroid the size of a grapefruit removed in the past two years and my friends moved away recently and it hasn't been a good time to make new friends. That went over well. They both just quieted right up. So, what I want to know is did I come across as a freak or did I just make them feel bad for being so trivial? Did I enlighten them? Should I always expect this type of reaction if I try to speak about my losses?

Then yesterday coming home on the bus I sat next to a woman with a baby, obviously sleeping under some blankets. I was feeling brave so I asked her how old her baby was and she said 3 months and she pulled back the blanket so I could see him and he was a gorgeous little thing with these lovely pouting lips. We chatted a bit more about how he was and his personality and then we went back to just riding the bus. I was glad we stopped talking b/c my eyes were starting to tear up -- I could have had an almost 3mo right now as well, but even more it just was hard in general. It was the first time I've been around a baby since my niece's birthday in February.

Last night my partner got back in town from a short business trip to Spokane, WA. We stopped at a bar on the way home and had a drink and talked. It was really nice to have his attention fully and the break from the day-to-day was good for him. At one point in the conversation I asked him how he though our losses affected him and he admitted that it did hurt him, more like the loss of a pet but not his most dear pet. He knows that losing a child would be harder than our failed pgs but it was interesting to hear him say that. I think he's a little curious about how long I want to TAB. We talked about that as well. He appreciates that for me the pg losses were both physically, spiritually and emotionally traumatic experiences and he sees that I'm afraid to get pg again for that reason.

I talked to my acu about it yesterday morning as well, about how I'm still not TTC for a variety of reasons including that it isn't a good time relative to work, that I'm not physically ready to accept the yuckiness of early pg (as much as I know of pg having done it twice), and that I am most importantly not in a good place for having another loss -- which for me at this point still feels like is a greater chance than success. Also, I'm coming up on the cycle where I conceived last year and the year before and I can't deal with adding to the pile up. Even in the absense of TTC I actually sense a tremendous apprehension about the coming months with all the bad memories of the past two years. It sucks but I need to acknowledge it and honor those feelings.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions I welcome them.

I'm all crampy and yucky feeling, just waiting for AF to start up and just about dying I'm so uncomfortable. Okay, yes I'm being melodramatic but I feel crummy and I can't sleep. I'm CD 32 and spotting, 17 dpo. Nope, not pg I tested when AF didn't show on Monday just so I didn't get all antsy about it.

So I've got two theories and both are possibly as to why AF was late this week.

1) my body was waiting for the full moon.

2) my L2/L3 in my feet has been aching in the evenings which has never happened before (though I've pretty much found thong sandals to be uncofortable -- pressing on L2?) My body felt like it was trying to start AF on Monday but it got stuck for two days and I felt awful. Finally it showed up last night but it was dark red and a bit thick instead of bright red and fluid. I broke open TIC last night and it looks like with all the recent stress, long hours and compromised diet/not taking my herbs that I might have accentuated my blood stasis/Liver qi stagnation issues -- which are associated with fibroid btw.

Both things could be the reason. I'm so relieved to have it start. The waiting reminded me of my m/c last June where I was waiting to start the miscarriage process and then waiting to pass the tissue -- bad memories for sure.

I made an appt with my acu on friday to review and revise my treatment accordingly. Sigh. If it isn't one thing it is something else...

PMS Induced Mastalgia

Oh yeah, it's that time of the month -- time for sore breasts. My breasts have been killing me and I've been so freaking bloated during my LP that it is not even funny. I haven't been able to get to acu due to travelling out of town but I do have a massage scheduled for this Thursday afternoon. Yesterday morning I took a look back at my blog posts about PMS, estrogen and the like and came across my info about elevated estrogen, prolactin and then vitex to treat the same. I decided that I had to try something as I was just about to DIE or burst or something like that. I took 10 drops in a glass of water and by the time I got to work I was like crazy get-out-of-town peeing. It was like my body randomly decided to drop all that water -- well actually it felt more like the vitex coaxed it out of me. My breasts are still sore but not nearly as bad and my belly doesn't look like a balloon (though I swear my ankle are looking a little bloated still). I think I'm going to keep trying the vitex for a few days more to see if it takes my edge off.

So here's my question to you all, if I've had my prolactin checked and it has been fine then why does it seem like that might be the problem? I've also got that weird headache back, like right between my frontal lobes. I keep getting it during my LP, since January. What the heck is wrong with me and my stupid hormones! The problem is that I don't feel like any of my docs will really listen to me and if they give me a med it will likely be something really nasty. Grrrrr.

I have been feeling bit less painful today thankfully. Maybe I'm onto something.

Here are some links about breast pain, cyclic mastalgia specifically, that you might find interesting.

Cyclic Mastalgia

Painful Breasts

Severity of Mastalgia in Relation to Milk Duct Dilatation

Toremifen May Be Helpful for Mastalgia

Info about Vitex for PMS/mastalgia

Moving...

I went to dance class this morning, its time for me to take back my body from the past year. I haven't been very active in a year, except for intermittently. I went to a dance class last September I think it was, there was a half day of skiing in December, occasional ballet at home using tapes, the daily swimming and running while in Fiji but not really that much overall. I haven't felt up to it.

Now though, its time to get back into the swing of dance practice, my body needs it for flexibility and strength -- it counteracts the computer work and also the whiplash injuries.

I went to a beginning class this morning and I could feel the aches and pains. I wasn't feeling very strong through the warm-up, without strength you don't have control and you can hurt yourself.

The more I moved, the more the past two years...they started to come out, wrap around me, about how this experience came through me and then to me and it hurt me. I could feel it all welling up inside of me -- how did all of that happen to me?

I could tell I reached my emotional limit so I ducked out after the warm-up; my instructor knows what's happened just enough to understand. I started crying as I left the studio.

I feel like I am a tight ball, crouched down protecting myself and holding out. I need to open up slowly and let it all out. I was thinking about how I've been taking back myself through my French class and growing more in my role at work as and owner -- I guess taking back my body is going to take a little longer. I'll have to just keep going until it doesn't hurt any more.

When I came home I told my partner that I really don't want to get pregnant right now. I don't want to deal with another bout of all the badness that comes with miscarriage right now, I'm not in a place to take it on. And being pregnant would only be a huge emotionally loaded distration and I want to focus on work right now. I want to focus on being me and doing that well.

What's up with the neighbors

I came back from a trip out of town and my partner mentioned to me that the couple next door told him that they are in the process of adopting a baby from China.

How odd I thought, two infertile couples living next door to each other. I did wonder why they didn't have kids, they seem to live their home life so deliberately, almost regimented.

Still I don't find the wife friendly at all so I wouldn't commiserate with her at all, especially since we're not the adopting sort at this point in our lives. I get along well enough with the husband but pretty much the only interactions we have with them as neighbors is when they need something from us.

I don't know how I feel about it yet. I suppose it might make me feel frustrated or something later on but right now the infertility connection seems to be the most noticible thing.

I ovulated while I was out of town and so there wasn't a chance that anything could come from this cycle. I did meet up with one of my miscarriage buddies from BabyCenter though for a wee bit and that was really super nice. ;)

I also started mon cours de Francais hier soir, oh la la. It was tres tres bien.

The big business of fertility medicine

As I was driving to work yesterday I heard mention on the local NPR station of an upcoming program about fertility medicine. I didn't catch when it was and searching their site hasn't been helpful so I decided to do a general web search. I did find some other interesting artitles that I thought you might enjoy so here you go.

I think this first one is the program I heard about on the radio, about the unregulated big business of fertility medicine:

The Baby Business - Here and Now Podcast and a transcription on the Living on Earth site
Infertility is a painful prospect for hopeful parents, but Harvard Business School professor Deborah Spar also saw infertility as a big business, 3 billion dollars in the U.S. alone. And she says, should we view it more as a business.
Wed, 08 Mar 2006 16:58:02 EST

The Fertility Race -- a series of radio shows from Minnesota Public Radio about fertility


All Too Conceivable - Slate.com, an article about the short-lived NBC show Inconceivable


It's interesting listening to the program after our recent stint back in with the RE. I'm feeling pretty okay right now, and my period just show up yesterday even. I feel liberated right now, like it doesn't matter if we conceive or not. I don't think I wrote about it here but my sister called me last week and I told her about our recent struggles and how I just didn't like how it all felt and she said right away, quite earnestly and supportively -- "but you have so much else going on in your life." It was said with love and compassion and a deep understanding of my value and worth, something only a sister who loved you could say or perhaps a very dear friend.

I found out this week that one of my infertile buddies finally birthed her little girl, she got pregnant right as my last one was failing. And then another online buddy, this one dealing with Spleen Qi Deficiency and infertility and being treated by an acupuncturist, she got a BFP and I'm really pleased for her.

While in New York a few weeks ago, my friend Jen mentioned that it was odd for those of us who meet in the online space to have access to each other's lives in this deeply personal and intense times of our lives as we deal with fertility and family. I think she's right, it's downright profound that we should even think to share so much of that experience with relative strangers online, though it speaks volumes to the relative amount of stress the experience comes with that we need to talk about it so much. The only downside of it is when you find out that you are in the very small group of people who don't concieve on their own after two years. And then watch as others pursue fertility treatments, some of which are not available to you due to other health issues. And then when the situation changes and you realize that you have philosophical issues with fertiity treatment and that you don't want to do it (that's me right now), it just makes it hard to relate a bit to those who were infertile and are now mothers. Those who were infertile and are now pursuing treatment. Those who were infertile and are pursuing adoption.

I think that God has a purpose for me yet, be it as a mother or in some other role. I just need to be the very best me I can be in the meantime so I'm refocusing on life outside of baby-making. I'm able to focus around the house like I haven't been able to do in several years due to the emotional disruptions of fibroids, infertility, surgery and miscarriage. I'm able to focus on growing at work and I'm really proud of my strength and determination. I still care for my online friends so much, and I've been pleased to see that they are as awesome in person as online. There's a great gift in that and someday I hope to see more of them as I travel around.

Goodnight for now.

Fun with site visitation stats

I have StatCounter running on this blog so I can see where people are coming from, what they are interested in and then I make sure that the pages they are coming to contain decent information, adding new info to help hook them up with more useful information if I can.

So over the past couple weeks I've noticed that my belly shot showing my scar from my myomectomy kept being pulled up through Google Images. I was amazed that people would even thing to search on "myomectomy scar" for photos, I was intrigued.

Yesterday I looked at that posting though with my first post op photo and there wasn't anything really that would make it make sense for fibroid patients doing a search. I went to Google Images and did a search on myoscar, the name of the image and low and behold Google asked -- did you mean "my oscar" Oh brother, so these people are looking for oscar photos and they are instead finding my belly with its scar and this blog with all its sad stories. Oh well, maybe a few other people learned something about the world of womens's reproductive health issues. I adjusted the image title to be more precise and hopefully that will help fix the situation.

Warm

Just back from acupuncture and shopping. Both activities were productive. Acupuncture made it so I finally warmed up and I'm not feeling freezing cold and shopping, well I got lucky with a sale plus two dresses and a pair of shoes.

Along the TCM line I'm making progress. My tongue coating is thinning some, I'm feeling more emotionally even, and my digestion has been improving some. My lung qi is weak, still fighting that virus from two weeks ago. All of my spleen points in my legs are sore, I had needles up both my legs from my feet to my knees. She asked me if my feet were cold and I said yes, basically since I came back from Fiji. She told me to do nightly foot soaking, then use that time to meditate or do qi gong breathing. That I think I can manage, heck while I'm at it I might as well do the castor oil pack ;P

I'm actually not a big shopper but this time of year I tend to notice the gaps in my wardrobe and I am willing to do what it takes to help fix that problem.

Work is going well, I usually only complain about it, and not much here, but over all its doing well. I'm feeling knowledgable, experienced and useful (mostly).

Very amusing and informative.

The House passed that bill for National Food Labelling Uniformity. I looked it up on Thomas (I hope that link works) and it evidently doesn't affect organic food labeling:

(g) No Effect on Certain State Law - Nothing in this section or section 403A relating to a food shall be construed to prevent a State or political subdivision of a State from establishing, enforcing, or continuing in effect a requirement relating to--

`(1) freshness dating, open date labeling, grade labeling, a State inspection stamp, religious dietary labeling, organic or natural designation, returnable bottle labeling, unit pricing, or a statement of geographic origin;

You Are What You Eat

After coming across a few interesting news items this week I though I'd just include a general email about nutrition and food quality in the United States.

Some months ago I met a new doctor, an internist, just out of her residency and starting to work with patients. Since I had read that medical school curricula only included about 30 hours total information about nutrition, and that was spread out over all of their studies and not in nutrition courses. I asked this young doctor if that was still accurate and she confirmed it was about right. She said that she didn't buy into all this stuff about food, that people had been eating for thousands of years and people should just eat what they want. She also had an attitude that indicated that nutrition was akin to dietician or nutritionist, the lowest of the low -- she was a doctor. Wow I thought to myself, not only ignorance but arrogance about it even. I was not impressed.

Did you know that the food we eat today is not the same as what people ate 100 years ago? I don't just mean food preparations, but the nutritional value of the food has actually changed. Beef came from cows that ate grass and the omega-3 to omega-6 fat ratio was actually a lot more inline with what our bodies can handle. With the feedlot handling of today's cows/steer they eat a lot more of corn and other grains which drive up the omega-6 content. Too much omega-6 in the diet is linked to some types of arthritis and other health conditions. That's just one example that I heard about from an arthritis expert on NPR some years ago.

Then there are trace nutrients in the soil such as selenium. Wheat is usually a good source of selenium but with depleted soils in farmlands and crops grown predominently on fertilizer you likely aren't getting as much selenium in your diet as people were even 50 years ago. Selenium is one of those nutrients on the fertility supplement list -- if people dealing with infertility are having to supplement for this then you know on average there is a deficiency in the food supply on the whole.

So I wasn't that surprised when this article popped up on the ABCNews site this week, perhaps you saw coverage about it on the news this week:

Fruits, Veggies, Not As Vitamin-rich as in Past, Says New Data
Larger Fruits and Vegetables Mean More Plentiful but Less Potent Bounty

So the food you eat has 30% less vitamins than before, and it sounds like they weren't speaking even about trace nutrients, probably just the basics like Vitamin C, Iron, Calcium, etc. Does that mean that the average American is also 30% less healthy? I don't even need to say much about the recent figures about obesity in this country, I'm sure you haven't missed that.

Here's another good one:

What we don't eat can actually hurt us, Seattle Times 3/8/06

So the real deal is that if you want the best nutritional value you should buy organic. And eating local is also another way to help make sure you are getting food that hasn't been in storage for months, or ripened in warehouses with methane gas (that's what they do to those nasty pink tomatoes they sell in the supermarket).

A great couple of books you might be interested in to learn more include:

This Organic Life by Joan Dye Gussow

Coming Home to Eat: The Pleasures and Politics of Local Foods by Gary Paul Nabhan

So had to be mad about something

When I was brushing my teeth this morning I remembered that my acupuncturist last week had asked me to do castor oil packs on my belly. Oh well, forgot about that for a good number of days. But then I was thinking about it and got all annoyed. I don't like doing castor oil packs. Castor oil packs don't do anything. When has a study ever shown that castor oil packs help shrink fibroids? Wouldn't a hot water bottle do the same thing? And so on.

I did do castor oil pack a few years ago when I first started working with a naturopathic doctor, the routine left a lot to be desired -- heat up a cloth soaked in castor oil in the oven for 15 minutes and carry it upstairs. Place it carefully on my belly and then lay a sheet of plastic over it and a towel over that and then top the whole affair with a hot water bottle. Sit like that for 25-30 minutes every day. Then after that you had to wash your belly off with a baking soda solution though I usually just used a washcloth with soap and water. Hoo boo was that a lot of work. I did it too for about a month but after that I just shrugged it off. It's too much work. Taking a bath every single night would be less work.

But really, I don't mind sitting with a hot water bottle on my belly but what's up with the castor oil really. Where did this tradition start and why do they keep pushing it? Grumble, grumble.

My breasts did start getting sore right after I last posted about how they weren't. Nice isn't it? So that's about mid-LP, just as my hormones peak, I start getting sore this month and it will stay that way until AF (due on Monday). Well, that's better than last month. I'm going to go back through my Ovusoft notes in the new 2.0 version of the software and see about any patterns for breast pain that I can pick out.

Holding up

I'm in the middle of my luteal phase and my breasts aren't killing me. Hows' that for an improvement? I think the acupuncture is helping out.

We went out with friends the other night and I wasn't drinking and I mentioned it was a chinese medicine/acupuncture thing and our friend's girlfriend who is an ear-nose-throat doctor asked me about it. I was dubious of how interested she was but I mentioned that I was having bad PMS, nausea for the better part of five weeks, really bad congestion and post-nasal drip, etc. Her response? That it was probably gastro-esophogeal reflux and that there's medication for that. I said I don't think acid reflux gives you bad PMS, and then she said, well no... I said that the dietary changes and the acupuncture and herbs seemed to be helping and the nausea was now gone. She said it was probably coincidence to which I replied I was sure that it wasn't. Oh sigh.

I went for a massage today, the first time that I've seen this practioner since September 2004. She practices Lomi Lomi massage, a technique that comes from Hawaii. Sometimes she chants during the massage, and she usually starts out with a type of prayer, but she always checks in with you on an emotional level before she starts so she can help use the time for more healing. When she asked how I was doing I said pretty good. But then I told her about the recent EDD and anniversary and I started getting teary. I filled her in a little about the second loss, about my frustrations with Western medicine having nothing really to offer since they don't really listen, and about how depleted I've felt since last June.

We started into the massage and I started crying a bit, it was hard just being touched. Before I got there I thought I might fall asleep during the massage but there was no chance of that happening. She worked a lot on opening up my hips and that didn't hurt but it felt like there was a little grief hidden there. Then I asked her to do some abdominal work and when she started doing that it felt like there was a big tight knot in the middle there. So she pulled back some and started asking me to do some visualizations and breathing and after a while my hands started buzzing, sort of like an electric shock but ongoing. She had placed one hand on my heart and the other on my belly and they were just buzzing and buzzing with energy. Then suddenly I started sobbing and crying and it was really intense, I told her I supposed I had been holding a lot of grief in there. She told me to just cry if I needed to and the tears rolled down the sides of my face into my ears and down my neck. Big fat tears.

She told me to breathe in and on the exhale to direct hope, or light or healing to the part of me where I'm holding my grief. I kept thinking of it like my shadow, a full body of myself but only a few inches thick that was dark and I held in my back. She asked me to acknowledge the place in my center, to ask it if it had a name or perhaps a shape -- what came to mind was the color green and the shape of a kidney bean. It was so odd and emotionally intense.

I'm going to go back for another massage in a few weeks to keep trying to resolve this, to help my body move on more. It's amazing what you can find hidden inside the folds and curves of your body.

Alert: Protect Your Right to Food Safety

In case you are interested in the politics of what you eat, I received an email alert from the Organic Consumers Association that Congress was poised to pass legislation that would disallow States from having separate standards for food safety and the like. They called it the National Uniformity for Food Act. This wouldn't allow States to continue having things labelled as certified organic for California, or Oregon, or Washington. I count on those labels when I shop at the store to help me make my buying decisions. This affects me and everyone else who eats organic food most directly.

The legislation was put on hold for a few more days so there's time for you to step in a help combat this attempt to eliminate some of the few trust-worthy controls that are available in this country.

Learn more about it and take action by emailing your congressional representatives and sending info about it to your friends.


Congress Poised to Pass Bill Taking Away Your Right to Know What's in Your Food

Here's the link to the Washington State Department of Agriculture Certified Organic Program if you want to know what these types of programs entail.

How My Mom's Doing

I realized that I haven't posted much about my mother and thought I would give you an update on how she is doing post breast cancer.

As you might recall she was diagnosed finally with breast cancer in May of last year, a couple days after I found out I was pregnant. She had a lumpectomy at the beginning of June, where they also removed a lymph node in her breast/armpit area. The cancer hadn't spread at all and it was small so her prognosis was and continues to be very good. As with my abdominal surgery, small nerves were cut in the skin, though for her it made her armpit numb.

Over the summer she underwent daily radiation treatment in White Plains. They had given her two little freckle sized tattoos that the radiation technicians (is that the right term?) used to line up the equipment to focus the treatment on the area. She had some skin changes as a result, mostly a kind of sunburn. She found the treatment made her very tired. Radiation treatment stopped in September/October or so.

She was put on an aromatase inhibitor, Relafin (I think) which has the nice side effect of cognitive impairment. This she was not warned about and had to learn about it online after the symptoms were preventing her from doing almost anything. She asked her doctor about it and he said "oh yeah, that can happen." She talked about it with a family friend who is a cancer specialist (but not a breast cancer specialist) who felt that an aromatase inhibitor was not the correct way to treat a totally focalized instance of cancer and that the side effects would outweigh the benefits.

After much deliberation my mother determined that if she couldn't think then she didn't want to live, as thinking is what makes her tick. It's true, she's a very analytical person who is constantly using her critical thinking skills -- not having access to them would just be wrong, it wouldn't be her. So currently she's not taking anything, just watching her diet, increasing her consumption of fiber and eating more organic food.

I think she's still physically dealing with the stress and I know that she's wanting to lose some weight. Her endocrinologist has cut back her thyroid medication level, thinking that as humans mature they can't handle such a large dose of TSH all at once. Having been on thyroid medication since the late 1960's though, this means that her body is running a lot more slowly than it was used to -- and her early doses of medication were much higher than they would start someone on today. It's just another drag for her though, and too bad as well. She mentioned to me during my visit last weekend that she hopes that someday someone would come up with a better delivery system for thyroid medication that would better mirror the body's typical pulsing doses.

So, she's doing well and taking care of herself and she's got a good outlook. I guess, if that was the bargain (her health for my second baby) then I can live with it, even if it pains me. She's my mom after all, as imperfect as she is.

More Spleen Qi Deficiency Info

I've been reading through my copy of The Web That Has No Weaver, it's one of the first books that brought TCM to the West. My previous acupuncturist said that there were better texts than this one so I take it with a grain of salt but so far it makes reasonable sense based on what else I have read.

I've been looking through the sections about the Spleen, dampness and mucus and it's been interesting what I've seen. Here are a few items:

"copious, clear, or white, and thin discharges (leukorrhea) usually signify Deficiency and Dampness" (p.192)

"The Spleeen like Dryness...Dampness can distress the Spleen...[and] can be seen in signs such as loss of appetite, indigestion, nausea, diarrhea and abdominal edema" (p.148)

"When a person experiences Dampness, the head may feel dull...limbs may feel heavy and sore, and the person will express a dislike for damp environments" (that would be Seattle this time of year with all the rain and dampness)

"Dampness can easily obstruct the movement of Qi producing ...incomplete urination..."

"Mucus in the stool, relatively soft, mobile swellings, lumps or tumors...and a phlegm cough can all be signs of Mucus" (p.252)

It also mentioned that not being able to discern any taste in the mouth (when there is no food, just as it is when it is empty) is also a sign of a Deficient Spleen.

When I read it and I see the various descriptions of things pointing towards heat, wind and other variations on Spleen Deficiency they don't match but the symptoms of dampness and mucus, cold, etc. they all point right at my symptoms. It's pretty weird. I do also have continued signs of Blood Deficiency, particularly Liver Blood Deficiency as I keep seeing dark spots before my eyes and it's been quite constant and distracting to me lately.

I hope that the acu treatment works, the diet changes aren't much fun but I'm already feeling a lot better and the nausea has gone away. I guess we'll see when I hit my LP whether or not the bloating and breast pain has dissipated yet.