Miscarriage Factoid

I had a miscarriage in July, actually it was more like an abortion since my body didn't miscarry on its own. Having seen the dark side I would like to share some information with you that you probably don't know.

Miscarriages are not like in the movies, over in one scene. They take time, they are painful, and recovery takes weeks if not months. Also, miscarriages are really awful and anguishing. I used to think when I heard about someone's miscarriage "oh that's so sad". To go through one is a 4-dimensional experience of hell and enlightenment. It's more than sad. To the pregnant mother her baby, this idea of baby or embryo or fetus, it died. It doesn't matter that something was wrong with the pregnancy, we have really strong instincts to take care of our young and being pregnant is no different. Even if you couldn't see the baby it was still there and it died along with the idea of being a mother, your new family and all the planning and changes that one would have to make in preparing for the baby's arrival.

If you hear about someone having a miscarriage you need to reach out to that person and at least say you are sorry for their loss, no different than if you heard that someone's parent died. Don't start trying to think of things beyond that such as "it was for the best", "it wasn' t your time" or "it's God's will" -- you don't know and those things aren't helpful. Things you can do are send flowers or drop them off yourself, send cards or letters of condolence. Don't expect the greiving mother to take phone calls, it is really hard to talk on the phone I've found when you can't stop sobbing.

Also, the pregnancy might have ended but that pregnancy has marked time for the mother and father. The due date is supposed to be a difficult time, any other events one had imagined from clothing or furniture shopping to holidays are reminders of the non-pregnant state, that baby that isn't coming. Keep your love and support coming if you can, it is greatly appreciated.

I'll do a separate posting about what to do if you are having a miscarriage or are helping someone through the actual physical process.