Late First Trimester Symptoms

So, the symptoms have shifted over time and I thought I should post an update less anyone think that it's all the same throughout the first tri.

Around 9 weeks I slowly started feeling a little less nauseous -- only to have it swoop back in for a few good bouts. Still it was amazing to have those quieter moments. I didn't want to take my prenatals for a couple of weeks, not sure why my body wasn't into it. Now I'm being pretty good so I'm sure things are fine.

I have shifted my eating pattern pretty well -- I eat breakfast (fruit juice, toasted whole grain waffle with nut butter, fresh fruit); mid-morning snack if I need (fruit); lunch (sandwich quite often, sometimes eaten with a break in between to aid digestion when things were working slowly); afternoon snacks (ice cream, tortilla chips, soda, fruit); something as I'm heading home (fruit leather, fruit if avail.) and then dinner. I try to make sure I'm getting one good portion of protein a day, and including enough water. If I don't drink enough during the day then I make sure to hydrate a lot in the evening -- which does result in a lot of bathroom trips overnight but at least my body can do the cleansing it needs internally.

I haven't really gotten that much bigger, just a bit, from my first weeks. I guess I'm less bloated and a teeny bit more full. I'm up about 8 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight (I can't remember if I posted that yet). My breasts are a little less sore than they were, though my nipples are more sore -- at least it seems so to me. My breasts are definately bigger now, though thankfully no one seems to have noticed at the office. Skirts and dresses are working out a bit better for me as well and some pants I just can't wear to work.

My uterus has pushed a little above my pubis at this point, with the right side feeling achy from the fibroid growing in the wall -- it's familiar from the first pregnancy unfortunately. It doesn't bother me all the time, though a couple of weeks ago I felt it was aching more. I don't feel my uterus all the time, sometimes it's like nothing's going on at all. It's most present in the morning when my bladder is full -- or when I tried wearing my jeans to work yesterday and the waistband felt really uncomfortable down low on my belly.

I do have food cravings -- more like I'll see/hear/read about some food item and randomly my body will fixate on it. Right now I have an unfulfilled craving for meatballs and spaghetti, a cheeseburger and macaroni & cheese. I know that these things mostly won't make me feel great so I'm avoiding for now.

I am still tired. Tired, tired, tired. I mostly go to bed before 10:30 (sometimes as early as 8:30) but I wake up and I still feel tired. I pee usually two times before midnight, once in the middle of the night, once in the early morning and 1-2 times before work.

Sleeping, peeing and eating -- that's what I do these days. Surely there's some preparation for a kiddo in that pattern -- eh?

Thoughts on the First Trimester Screening

I have the option of doing this test if I want (all tests are optional really though) and I sort of always dreaded the thought of making a decision about it. Now, being here at almost 11 weeks, the decision is in front of me squarely -- and I find my instincts, my being, is telling me not to do it.

It's taken me four years to get this far -- which is why I'm now over 36. We've had two losses, early on, but both of them were drawn out over weeks, not to say months for the first one (July-October). I also had fibroid surgery -- and I've got a new fibroid growing.

I'll have a c-section either way, due to the fibroid surgery. I'm in a major city with an excellent hospital so it's not like labor is going to cause any complications. But none of that is my concern.

Having lived through my losses, I know the stress that waiting can bring when you already have the bad news. It's not something I want to bring on myself. It would be crushing for me, and I don't see any good that will come of it. I didn't ever due ART or hormones or anything, opting instead to find other means of healing my body enough to let it be able to carry (other than the needed surgery). I think even if I end up with a sick baby, I will feel more at peace with that than with knowing -- there's nothing to prepare for, what happens happen. I would rather let fate or God have a hand in it and just live with that outcome.

Come what may.

The Kid

The scan shows s/he's measuring 3.5 cm right now.

When the baby came up my partner's first reaction was "he looks just like me" LOL, what is he thinking. It's nice that he had such a strong sense of affiliation with his unborn.

The doc said that we're not out of the woods just yet, but that everything looks great.

Let's see what else, we met with a nurse first who gave us this booklet from the hospital and all these brochures to look at. Then she started asking questions and explaining things to us like we were going to have a baby. You have to imagine what it was like for us, as we were both sitting there thinking that maybe we would have a kid but then maybe the sky was about to fall again. In my head I was like "blah, blah, blah...yeah whatever if you want to pretend we are having a baby" It was very surreal as she just went on about this and that.

They asked about genetic defects and testing in several ways. I think we're going to do the first trimester screening where they look at a few measurements including primarily the nuchal translucency screening, plus some blood work to rule out big issues (hopefully). I've seen how women get online when they get results that put them in the possible range for an issue and it isn't pretty. That's my key hesitation. I'd have to do it in the next couple of weeks and they gave me all the codes to run it by my insurance company.

My doc started going on about appointment frequency and delivery and then I reminded him that I was a mandatory c-section -- unless of course he was feeling daring. He assured me that he was not. I gave him a copy of this article I read through an Ovusoft link this morning about a "natural c-section" and told him that I didn't know that I wanted to necessarily do something like that but perhaps he might find it interesting and we could discuss it later. We also brought up with the doc about how my partner didn't like being there for the d&c with the vacuum and not being on good drugs like I was -- he understood. At least this way we can address it as we get closer to delivery, about how we can make sure my partner is comfortable with the plan.

My next ob appt is in a month about. Sheesh, I would be in the second trimester then already.

Early Pregnancy Success Rates

Everyone online is always wondering when certain positives are linked with a reduction in the chance of pregnancy loss -- and a greater chance of having a baby. I've looked it up an found these references:

The loss rate after a normal scan was similar in symptomatic (10.6%) and asymptomatic patients (9.1%) and declined progressively with gestational age from 17.0% at 6 to 7.9 weeks to 4.3% at 12 to 13 weeks (P < 0.01, chi-squared).
From: Pregnancy outcome after a first trimester sonogram demonstrating fetal cardiac activity.

The pregnancy outcome of 347 patients with a confirmed, viable intrauterine pregnancy between 6.0 and 14.0 weeks, menstrual age, was determined. The miscarriage rate was 4.2% in a subgroup of patients without vaginal bleeding, as compared with 12.7% in a subgroup with bleeding
From: Fetal loss rate after ultrasonically documented cardiac activity between 6 and 14 weeks, menstrual age.

This one isn't an easy read, but it sort of looks like, in the absence of bleeding, the rate is around 4-5% chance of pregnancy failure after the detection of fetal heart activity. With bleeding it's a little more touch and go, with the miscarriage rates ranging from 11-16.5%.

There's a kid in there

My appointment went well this morning and I'll post my u/s pic later tonight. The kid looks perfect and measured exactly where it should 10w3d -- with a due date of February 17th, just like Ovusoft predicted.

More later. I've got to get some work done.

GTT/GDM Testing and alternatives

I've read so many times online about women throwing up from the GTT and it seemed to me that there had to be other alternatives (my friend Gato just went through that this week). I did a search and came across some interesting info that I thought might be helpful. Please feel free to add in any other options you may know about.

I have to take the glucose tolerance test and drink that awful sweet drink. I detoxed from sugar before pregnancy, are there any alternatives?

You may ask your doc to forgo the GTT unless you are actually spilling sugar into your urine. It does not have to be done routinely.

Here is another alternative from Helen.

At the beginning of December I wrote to you all asking about what I should do about the glucose test to see if I have gestational diabetes. I didn't want to drink the sugar drink because I know it would make me so sick. I mentioned it to my Doctor and he kind of murmured to bad but didn't give me any alternatives.

I decided to switch the midwifes at the office I go to so I can use the natural childbirth center. In the orientation they said all tests are up to me. So when I met with one of the midwifes I said I didn't want to take the glucose test that morning. She said instead of not taking it, she proposed a sugar sensitive friendly alternative. I'll pass it along in case it comes up with any of you.

She told me to fast starting at midnight. Go to the office first thing in the morning and have my fasting blood drawn. Then go out and have breakfast- protein and complex carb like I eat anyway. Then come back in 2 hours and have my blood taken again. She said that will tell her everything she needs to know. Now it is a bit of a pain because the test will take all morning instead of an hour, but I think it is worth it.

And one more suggestion from Julie

A few years ago (1999, I think) ACOG did a study that showed that 18 Brach's Jelly Beans (the small ones) had exactly 50 ml of glucose and was a valid alternative to the glucola for the gestation diabetes test. Women also tolerated the jelly beans much better with fewer side effects such as headache and nausea/vomiting. Maybe your care provider has heard of this and/or is willing to look into it to let you try it.
from: http://www.radiantrecovery.com/newsletter2/pregnancy.html

The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists (ACOG) said in a recent statement to the media that there is not one certain method to be used to effectively screen the pregnant population for gestational diabetes. They do not, however, know what screening is best or agree on when the screening should take place.

...

Testing for those women who have a positive screen for GDM can take many forms. The most common is a fasting glucose after a woman has been given a drink called glucola (concentrated sugar) and had her blood drawn. About four years ago some studies were done showing that ingesting 18 Brach's® jelly beans worked just as well as the glucola. The jelly bean test is a bit more pleasant and has few stomach side effects than the glucola for most women. It is also important to note that there is not one perfect time for testing for GDM and that this should be decided between the practitioner and the woman.

Jelly Bean Alternatives for Glucose Testing

Glucose Tolerance Testing

How, when, and why to test for gestational diabetes mellitus <-- great article

Some of my tips for controlling nausea in early pregnancy

These are some of the things I've been doing to help keep my nausea at bay:

* make sure I have protein a couple times a day -- typically meat, fish or cheese (not liking eggs right now) -- remember a serving of protein is the size of a casette tape

* carry snacks in my purse -- fruit leather works well, as did nuts for a while though I'm not digging the bitterness of walnuts right now

* tortilla chips have helped me out at work in the afternoon, just plain with a little salt on them

* keep the water going at all times, I carry bottles of water with me just about everywhere. I alternate between wanting plain water, water with lemon or lime in it, or wanting sparkling water.

* if you start to feel it kicking up on you go eat something right away, eat slowly while sitting down

* don't eat too much at once -- eating small amounts all the time will help prevent you from wanting to binge. Eating too much at one sitting will just cause you to have digestive problems including gas and constipation which is really, really not fun

* make sure you are getting your fruits and veggies in with your protein. Portioning out grapes into baggies I could grab on the way out the door helped, also cutting up a cantelope or pineapple and having it ready to go

* try ginger if you are having acid indigestion, it might just surprise you at how well it works -- freshly grated with hot or cold water, or even spice cookies with ginger in them can help.

* don't go for the simple sugars, they aren't going to make you feel better -- it's just empty calories and your body knows the difference

I also haven't been eating fried foods at all, and I normally eat a low fat diet that's pretty high in fiber. My mother told me that she didn't have any vomiting when she was pregnant so maybe it's partially a physiological thing that we share.

Also, the other day I just was feeling so nauseous. I left my acu appointment and thought I would be fine until dinner but obviously my body had other ideas. I dug in my purse for a fruit leather and ate that but my body was on a rampage. My partner called to let me know he was going out with a friend and as I walked along I had this dialogue in my head about whether or not I could make it home without eating something. My body decided no, so I went into Westlake Mall and ate dinner right then and there in the food court. I felt a bit silly about it, but then again not eating was not an option -- my body was starting to send those signals that something awful was going to happen if I didn't eat right then (if you have been pregnant you will know what I'm talking about). I had a mediterranean platter and felt so much better after that -- grilled chicken, hummous, salad, tabouleh, falafel, pita -- a nice well rounded meal. Be good to yourself.

90 degrees in the shade

Not typical Seattle weather, but we do get a few days here and there above 90. About the same number as we get below freezing -- if global warming and all that don't change things (who knows).

I've found that ice cream is my friend when I get over heated. At least something should help out. I'm not too keen on chocolate right now but I'm not too particular. I just had a Julie's Organic Ice Cream pop, blackberry with a chocolate shell. I also baked chocolate ginger scones this morning - so it's not like I'm abstaining from chocolate.

My Irish friend is visiting from Spain where he lives now; he's spent most of the day with us and thankfully he knows the meaning of siesta -- because this pregnant gal needs her naps. We had a really nice lunch on our front porch with a greek style salad, pita bread wedges and hummous. My friend leaves tonight, as he's off to a wedding in the morning and needs to take an early ferry so he's going to crash with one of the other wedding guest nearby. We might see him again tomorrow before he leaves.

With this heat my little belly is starting to feel a little more uncomfortable and I'm longing for loose-fitting sundresses. The reality is that I've got a few, and I'm sitting in one right now that I've had for years, but really shopping would be wise if this heat holds up. But, that isn't likely. Though, there will be more opportunities for wearing sundresses.

My parents are planning on coming for a few days in August for a visit. Which will be nice, but right now I feel like I'm just waiting for my appointment on Tuesday to tell me that everything is going okay. I don't know when this feeling that I'm going to get bad news will subside but hopefully soon.

No, I'm not worrying constantly about it. My partner and I talk about having a kid next year and we continue to make motions planning towards that eventuality. It's just that it doesn't feel real to me, like my heart isn't totally sure of it yet. Still, today marks 10 weeks and by the best of my figgerin' this is the longest I've ever been pregnant, even past the first one where I ovulated on May 24 and had a d&c on July 19 that time. This time I ovulated 3 days later and now it's three days later than the 19th. So, let's mark down another little step towards success.

Thanks for your comments. I know, I wish hiring people was easier but I think I'll know the right candidates when I meet them. And there are plenty of options we haven't explored yet.

Quick Update

I've been tired this week, not too much on the computer after hours and during work I've been pretty swamped. Here are some random things if you wanting to keep tabs on me (which is really nice of you).

Less nausea early in the week -- and then there was yesterday and today where I'm just having a hard time keeping up with my water and caloric intake needs. I think it's partially the heat and also my body maybe going through some more big hormonal changes this week.

I got my hair cut on Wednesday, the first time since April 2005. I didn't feel like getting it cut and I was also liking it being long. It was long enough that a good trim has it looking healthy again and it's still long. My stylist commented that I had a lot of new growth coming in, I muttered about being pregnant but he didn't hear me. So I guess that tale about pregnancy and your hair might be true.

My partner started checking my belly out more this week. He does it while I'm sleeping, just grabbing and feeling things. He says I'm definately getting bigger. Still not that big though and my transition clothing is holding up. Definately not that comfortable in some of my regular summer clothes though -- more that I'm not liking the way they hang on my current build.

I had acu yesterday, the first time in a few weeks. She did the standard ones that she's been doing -- inside ankles, inside wrists, crown of head. After she left the room I started feeling some achiness, it's related to my fibroid, sort of a line the runs up and down on the right side of my navel, down deep. I had it a lot this spring as well. Hopefully it was just things adjusting. I dozed on the table for a good 45 minutes and then the pain was gone when I awoke. She asked me if I had any sense of what we were having, and I told her that early on I had an inkling that it might be a boy but I really don't know. She said she was trying to check on my pulses but she wasn't sure yet, maybe next week.

My prenatal appointment and next check on things is coming up on Tuesday. I think we are ready for it. My partner is feeling pretty confident about things, me I'm just surviving -- being tired, tired, tired and keeping up with work.

We interviewed 6 people this week for a few different positions and none of them were quite right. If we are less picky then maybe. Sigh.

Nine Weeks Today

That seems like such a crazy idea, that I'm still pregnant at nine weeks. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm still pregnant and then I just press my boobs and they are still sore so I figure things are just keeping on.

I caught a virus this week, the first time I've been sick while pregnant I think. For all the normal queasiness, light headaches, fatigue and general malaise that comes with pregnancy it is in fact possible to feel worse. I couldn't eat, I didn't want to get out of bed, I had a low-grade fever, and my joints ached. Thankfully it was mostly one of those 24-hour affairs, at least the worst of it. I think that's why my mood was so dark this week though, that can happen when I'm fighting a virus.

Work was really strenous this week, I totally need some more help, particularly since my new project manager quit (but that person had some serious personality issues so it's no loss for us). I've already set up some interviews for this week. I hope that some good come out of it. It's hard to find talented people who are a good fit with our little company. We'll get there though -- we have to.

Feeling kinda lost

With infertility and loss I at least felt like there was a common struggle for me and my online buddies. Then there are all those happy pregnant people online, or the ones who obsess over every little symptom. I feel like I don't know where I fit in right now. I feel closer to my infertility and loss buddies, but I know that my being pregnant can be trying for them. I feel I have to hide it even a little more around them -- and generally I'm not boasting about it.

It's weird to not have people know at work, yet I've known for 5 weeks now. Then I have so many work responsibilities -- so now I get to do them, with out letting on that something is up, but feeling twice as bad with half the energy. I guess that's sort of raining on my parade too. The fatigue is pretty common, but I guess for me I still have so much going on that it's hard to just be thrilled about it.

I've sort of noticed that the women who seem the most thrilled tend to have invested the least in their education and careers. So, again it makes me feel like an outsider -- though I know there are lots of women out there like me as well. Besides, with infertility and all the other delays that contributed to some of us being more mature as we approach uncertain motherhood, we would be pretty lame if we didn't at least have more than pregnancy and TTC going on in our lives -- right?

The other weird part is just knowing how much the past four years have put a damper on my relationships. You find with the problem fibroids, and the infertility and then the miscarriages, that people who you were close to just couldn't deal with the intensity of it all. I found that I pulled back from developing new relationships -- and it ended up being for years. Now I'm trying to find my way out of that as well, and it feels awkward. I guess the little bit of success I've had so far with this current pregnancy has helped cushion my heart so I can speak more honestly about my losses. But then now I worry that I shouldn't let on too soon, because if something bad was to happen right now the whole world would dissolve into tears.

I guess that's the complexity of it. And its my reality.

More Nutrition Information

I found this great doc from the USDA last night which details the amount of folate in different food items.

Use the Acrobat Search feature (binoculars, fourth icon from the left on the Acrobat toolbar) to things up such as grapes or tortilla chips)

Folate Contents of Foods - USDA (PDF)


Also from the USDA there is also a tool, available online or for download to a PC, that will let you search items, enter in portion and then it will spit out a fill report on the nutritional content

What's In The Foods You Eat Search Tool

I also have these posts you might want to refer to:

Anemia & Iron Rich Foods

Non-Dairy Sources of Calcium

Tuesday

It's been two weeks since we saw that first little flicker. Kinda weird isn't it that I'm still here and my period is still staying at bay.

I've been feeling a little better, but still fatigued, and the nausea and heartburn come in waves. Today I feel like when you first get your period and you just want to stay in bed all day. But of course I couldn't. I managed to keep my growling in my head, except for one client who was being a bit stupid -- shaving 2.5 days off of our print production schedule and thinking that was okay. Not!

I think what is weird is having people expect me to be all thrilled and stuff. I just feel like I'm hanging in there. I'm not unhappy, I'm not happy -- I just am. There's still a long way to go.

My MIL spoke to my partner yesterday and said that I seemed reserved/cautious/not happy -- something along those lines. He told her I was doing fine, just being really natural about it all.

I told him that of course I wasn't thrilled, or ecstatic. We've been through too much for that. I'm doing just fine. My parents are really happy (first grandkid) and my partner is excited and that's enough for me.

I'm 8w3d today (45 days since conception) and evidently more than 17% of the way there -- since I would deliver early that percentage would shift a bit obviously. Supposedly the end of 8 weeks marks the end of the embrionic stage of development and then begins the fetal stage.

What else can I tell you...my partner spaced on our prenatal appointment on the 25th and booked a business trip then but I couldn't move the appointment so he moved his business trip --that's how much he wants to be there (which I think is really sweet).

Take care and let me know how you are doing.

Ultrasound Update

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, the acid indigestion/reflux was out of control. But eventually I crashed out. My partner came to bed late though, a couple hours later, and he woke me up and I was soooo grouchy with him. I had to get up for a while and drink some fresh ginger tea and have some cookies to try to soothe my stomach before I could get back to bed.

We got up and went to the ultrasound appointment this morning, I stopped off to buy some bottled water -- as again the acid is so bad. At the doctor's they tried to help move things along but someone was hogging the ultrasound suite so we just waited and waited. My doc came in to ask how I was feeling and to see if my symptoms were still strong and I said yes, and mentioned the lovely indigestion. He said in the second tri I could use one of the acid blockers if I still needed it. He stepped out again and my partner commented on how much he liked the doc. He's a good guy my OB.

Suddenly the door opens again and there's my doc, dragging an ultrasound machine on wheels into the exam room we are in. He said they brought down a portable, lesser quality machine from their other office since they were having that delay with the other machine. He looked so funny and determined though, dragging that machine through the door that it made me laugh. He looked like a determined little boy (and he's a mature man).

The scan wasn't as clear as last time but the baby looked a lot larger and the heartbeat was again visible. I had my doc check on my fibroid as well, to see what she was doing. She's grown but is way off to the side away from the pregnancy so there's nothing to worry about with that. No pictures today though, but they were really blurry anyway. We didn't take measurements either, it just wasn't of a good enough resolution.

My partner commented that there was no getting out of this one, that statistically each time we were closing in on the gap of having a kid. He said our bigger problem now is that we are going to have a kid.

How did this happen to me? I don't know if I'm ready for all this.

My next appointment is Tuesday July 25th, though my OB said to give him a call if I needed any reassurance. I actually told him that I almost feel better when I don't have appointments looming -- that's when I get anxious, when they go and check to see what's going on.

You've probably been checking in on me but I haven't been writing. I don't know, I guess I'm in a bit of denial about things. Sometimes I think it is going to work out, sometimes I brace myself for another loss and lots of the time I sort of just ignore it except for managing my symptoms.

I went camping for a few days which wasn't that much fun for me. It's hard to be out in the heat when your body is trying already to adjust to so many changes. Then there were the swarming mosquitoes, not fun for a pregnant person who is having to pee multiple times a night -- try not getting bites with your butt exposed. And there was my dog, who fell into the cold mountain river late at night because she was thirsty and her water dish was empty. We found her downriver the next morning, about 8 hours after she disappeared -- and evidently none the worse for wear. I've got a ton of bug bites and I'm tired and recovering.

I go in for my next ultrasound first thing tomorrow. I don't know what the news will be. I've seen too many friends online have a good first scan and a bad second scan to be too hopeful. All I can do is count out the things that I know:

sore boobs
slow digestion
contipation
fatigue
bloated belly
and my period hasn't been here in almost 2 months.

Factor v Leiden & Pregnancy

I gathered these links this morning for my friend Bridget who just found out she was pregnant again. She's got this blood clotting disorder which is one factor in her having had three miscarriages since December 2004.

Bridget and I met up in Chicago in November when we just needed time to vent about our losses and hang out talking about it without judgement. We shared a hotel room and had a great time. I only knew her online before that. Other loss gals, you might want to try it -- it was an amazing experience and we're even stronger friends because of it.

Factor V Leiden and recurrent miscarriage—prospective outcome of untreated pregnancies
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/17/2/442

The effect of factor V Leiden carriage on maternal and fetal health
http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/167/1/48

Gestational outcome in thrombophilic women with recurrent pregnancy loss treated by enoxaparin.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=10823264&dopt=Abstract

Enoxaparin ( e-nox-a-PA-rin) is the generic name of Lovenox
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/uspdi/202686.html

Pregnancy, Clotting, and Factor V Leiden: An Overview
http://www.naturalchildbirth.org/natural/resources/prebirth/prebirth35.htm

FVL-PG · Factor V Leiden and Pregnancy Issues (Yahoo Group)
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FVL-PG/

Anticoagulation Forum -- click on the link on the left labelled Clinic Locations to find anticoagulation specialists in your area.
http://www.acforum.org/

So I'm up early for the second day in a row. This time because my digestion is slow and my body is uncomfortable about it. Hopefully that will rectify itself later this morning.

I haven't posted much this week, I almost have felt like there wasn't too much to say after the shock of seeing the h/b on Tuesday. I'm relieved that so far there is nothing to grieve but I'm so tired right now and still trying to keep it together with stuff at work (yes we sooo need to hire more staff) that it's almost nice just to have a bit of a break from my previous pg experiences.

I'm amazed that we got this far, that each test and check so far has been stronger and more advanced than our previous experiences with pregnancy. I don't know what to think.

I have noticed that I look at babies a little more when I see them about, perhaps not more than before but now with a new lens. Still though, I feel this ambivalence about it. Motherhood seems a far way off and a far cry from my reality thus far.

I've allowed myself to think about the fact that we might end up with a baby here and there. And the other day while walking around I realized for a moment that I had let a little love for my embie grow. But just a little teeny bit. I check in on my embie energetically now and then and I feel like it tells me it is busy, too busy to engage with me right now.

I did go shopping this week to try to get some more clothing items that would help mask my transitional figure. Yes it is early but I mostly have fitted clothes and already my body has changed itself. I bought a stretch cotton twill skirt on sale, a sports bra in a size larger (that was nice to wear yesterday), a few tanks and a top also on sale. Nothing extravagent as thing will likely continue to change. I've only ever experienced pregnancy through about 11 weeks (the first one) and who knows what this hormone packed current experience will hold in store for me.

I've been dealing with growing bouts of nausea, some headaches, fatigue, slowed digestion, food cravings/aversion, dryer skin in some places and oiler skin elsewhere.

The housekeeping has fallen by the wayside a bit -- I think I am really going to have to hire someone to come and help us out. Between this pregnancy experience and my partner having so much work it's just not all being kept up.

So anyway, I'm doing okay. I hate when people tell me congratulations (except for present company of course) and I'm hoping that our next ultrasound on Thursday shows a lot of growth. Please, please, please?

Oh, and last but not least I wanted to let you know that two of my favorite TTC buddies online just found out they were knocked this week as well. Please send Bridget and Yolie lots of prayers.

How My Scan Went

So I show up at the OB's office to check in and the reception person doesn't have me on the schedule. She tells me that she has me down for two weeks from now. She tells me to have a seat. I sit there stressed out and miserable until she calls me back. I wasn't there for a prenatal (even though they told me when I made the appt that it was) but for a viability check. Then she told me to sit down again.

So I sit there, waiting for my partner to come up from getting a cup of coffee and that word keeps running through my head -- a viability check. Viability. Not Viable. Which is it going to be? I have viability checks because my pregnancies haven't been viable. And it makes me sad, and makes me feel abnormal, somehow less than. Then I think that maybe I should have just waited to find out, pretending that this was a normal pregnancy, but then I remember how hard it is waiting and not knowing and that I'm just looking for a little resolution right now.

Finally the nurse calls me to come in, so my partner and I walk into the ultrasound suite. She takes my blood pressure and asks me the date of my last menstrual period -- which was already written down from my last visit. I even brought a copy of my Ovusoft chart from this cycle but they aren't used to reading those I guess.

I get undressed from the waist down, and talk to my partner. He said that if it was good that was good and if it was nothing again then it was okay because we could just go on living our lives as they were. I told him that my preference was that something was growing in there because then we could just hire people to replace me at work -- having another loss would be too hard as too many people are relying on me right now. He's dithering between wanting to watch the scan in the hopes that something is growing in there -- a heartbeat even - versus just waiting outside just in case it is another empty sac. In the end he just stayed put, particularly after I said -- don't you want to be here for me?

So the doc comes in and inserts the transvaginal u/s wand up my hooha-- the magic wand which will let us know our future. And then what comes up on the screen is this:

Yes, there is something in there. There are two blobs on top of each other, the top one is the yolk sac and the bottom one that is whiter is the embryo. We saw its little heart beating, just the tiniest little flicker. Based on conception date I'm 6w1d pregnant and the embryo measured at 6w0d -- so right where it is supposed to be.

[updated to add: I think you can see Twyla Twerp in the scan, right smack in the middle of the image -- the gestational sac is sort of pointing at a grayish white blob that looks a bit distinct from the rest of the uterus. If I'm right it looks like the gestational sac is already bigger than that which is great.]


I'm feeling a little emotional right now. This morning was stressful. But, we just crossed the second hurdle in the race to having a baby -- the first is just getting pregnant, the second is seeing that there is something growing in there. Weird huh?

My doc said to come back in next week for another scan, and then my first prenatal was scheduled for about a month from now. What? I might be having a baby for real?

My last few hours of blissful ignorance

It's time for me to get ready for bed, but that means when I wake up it will be time for me to go to the doctor to see what lies in store for me.

It's like that TV show from the 70s -- Let's Make a Deal. That was the one where the contestents got to pick which door they wanted and behind it was some prize of some sort. I swear there was also a part where they could climb up a pile of wrapped presents and pick one, not knowing what it contained. Actually, I'm sort of like that.

I like the idea of a gift, somewhat even more than what it contains. In example, when I was 8 I woke up on Christmas morning at 2am (just after my parents had gone to sleep BTW) and being scared of the dark I woke my brother to see if there were presents (my brother having told me the truth about Santa a couple of weeks before). We went downstairs and the living room was piled with presents. I was just so amazed and full of joy at the look of it. I told my brother that we had to get back to bed and we could open them in the morning. Not but 5 minutes after we went back upstairs I heard the sound of wrapping paper tearing back downstairs -- he had gone back down and was opening like a madman. It made me sad, I sort of liked just that pause, the not knowing, the potential, the moment that it was.

I don't know what's behind door number 1 or 2 or any other door. I'm just taking in my last few moments with my wrapped present.

Today

I felt better yesterday and this morning I'm feeling pretty good, though I need to go eat something pretty quick. Saturday was really awful though, not sure why my body was having such a hard time.

I find that the EDDs bother me more than the dates of my losses, since for each of my failed pregnancies the process of finding out I lost them and then the subsequent resolution covered so many days (July 1-Nov 5 with my first loss; June 9-26 with the second). If this pg works out it will be right smack in the middle of the other two EDDs and if it doesn't work out, well let's just say the end of January and the beginnning of February will definately not be a happy time for me.

I had a dream this morning about my appt tomorrow morning. In it my doctor and his assistant were checking stuff out but I never saw the images and they never said "there it is" and it was all vague and I was bothered and a bit anxious about it and I wanted numbers -- how thick was my lining, where was the baby, etc. And then I woke up and remembered that it was just a day away and I thought to myself, maybe if I can just get an answer.

I'm feeling queasy today actually, and its not going away. I think I need to go take a walk.