that's funny, me at peace.

Someone online said I that seemed at peace. Rather I'm just trying to hold it together with all my work responsibilities, being short staffed and so tired all the time. I don't have enough energy to worry all that much to be honest -- but that seems a far cry from being at peace with things.

I've had a fever today and I was sooooooo tired this weekend. I'm not sure what it is but my body was really not happy about it. I'm so tired that I wonder if it is normal or not - I'm thinking not quite as if I was like this in the wild I surely would have died or been eaten by now. I keep asking myself how I could go through this again if we wanted more than one (hoping that this one makes it).

It's weird for me b/c ppl IRL that know want me to be happy and I'm just okay. (reminds me of The Smiths lyrics "and I'm not happy and I'm not sad. The dream has gone and the baby is real..."). My partner's mother asked him if I was less fearful. Um, hmmmm. It's like you can't even say anything b/c she so obviously doesn't understand what it is like to try so hard for so long and end up with death instead of life coming through you. Yes, things are happening now but nothing is a sure thing and those of us who have witnessed loss firsthand know that only too well now. My SIL was trying to be nice and ask about things last week and I don't really have anything to say other than how far along I am now. I know my parents are cautiously optimistic, hopeful but still cautious -- and they want a grandbaby so badly, at least I think they do.