Pretending

Lately I've been feeling like it's all just pretend. I'm pretending that eventually I am going to have a baby. I'm pretending that this is something that will happen to me. Like looking at some Hollywood actress or rock star and thinking that I could do that (don't we all have those moments?) Since its been so darn long I just feel like I've been pretending for a long time, that small piece of hope left seems almost a little silly.

The other side of it is that I worry that I'm just getting too comfortable in my own life (not such a bad thing) and that I'll not be able to adjust to sharing my world with a wee one. That I should even be so lucky. It's been an ongoing worry of mine, though feeling comfortable is a newer addition.

But then here I am in the 2ww again (2dpo) and that little piece of hope (and distraction) lifts its head and says "what if..." If it wasn't so sad it would be aggravating.

We went camping over the weekend and I brought along my digital basal thermometer to temp with. Of course it was freezing at night (38 degrees) and so I slept with a hat on and a wool blanket over my head but who knows if my temps are what they would have been otherwise. It was challenging getting one BD session in with our friends there with us. We had one session Saturday morning before we left and then one on Sunday afternoon and then I ovulated on Monday. Not as much as we usually try to get in but maybe the timing was good enough.

I had acupuncture today and it was very relaxing. I'm on a luteal phase herbal formula that tastes okay though a little smokey. Fingers crossed pleased that we catch another eggie.